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  #391  
Old 03-13-2012, 04:29 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Speaking of Gia and Zed, he ended up rejecting her in sort of a weird way. She told him months ago that she was interested. He said he was interested too but never followed up. She asked again and made it clear that he could say "no thanks" and there'd be no hard feelings. He said that he was interested. No follow up. She brought it up AGAIN, re-affirmed that he was more than welcome to say no, and said they should get coffee if he'd like to pursue something. They met for coffee and he said... not now, maybe later when his life calms down (if you knew his life you'd know this means probably never). She was let down and hurt and pissed at having to be rejected in person when she'd given him every opportunity to say no via text. He said that he felt he ought to do it in person. In describing her feelings of frustration and annoyance to me she said "It'll be a while before my brain gets past 'B-b-but, coffee meant yeeesssss. '"

Speaking of unpleasant reactions to things, I managed to put off telling Davis that I'd had sex with Gia for way longer than I should have. And when I did I made a mess of it. I'm really surprised at myself for not doing it right away, but I kept managing to put it off. On the one hand it's not like it changes anything, but on the other hand what if he'd want to know? We'd never talked about what level of disclosure he wanted. I kept remembering that I should say something at times that seemed inappropriate and then forgetting (on purpose, I suppose.... thanks subconscious......) at better times. Ugh. I'm not proud about it.

I was cutting his hair for him when I finally said, awkwardly, "If I'd had sex with Gia again would you want to know?" He was offended at me putting it like that, he said that it was the same as telling him but with the veneer of giving him a choice. I defended myself and he got more upset and eventually said that I should have known this would make him feel bad and that he just wanted some comfort. It probably didn't help that we'd been fighting over stupid things earlier in the evening. I did the best I could to comfort him that night, as we were in bed together.

My poor lovers. :/
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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  #392  
Old 03-13-2012, 05:04 AM
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Pleasant recollections, to even things out.

Gia and I went to a fetish-themed dance night on Friday, just the two of us. Eric had been invited but wasn't particularly interested and was feeling a little under the weather besides. We dressed up and she adorned me with another dark purple lipstick mark on my cheek. The venue was about an hour away and we had good conversations as we drove.

The event itself was great, a few people we knew and plenty we didn't, good space, good music, sexy people doing sexy things. We had SUCH a fun time, both separately and together! We danced together, slow, kissing, losing myself in kissing her, breathless. She had me kneel down in the middle of the club to attach her garters to her leggings, gripped me hard while we were dancing, swayed me around a bit, just sort of experimenting with domming. Beautiful.

Talking about it later she seemed perplexed that she'd had such a good time, a little surprised each time she said it. I get the impression, from that and from other things she's said, that perhaps she's having to revamp her mental image of herself to include this new facet of her sexuality... topping, domming. And it's a strange time for her to be doing so, when she's also readjusting so much of her life to fill this new role of motherhood.

I remember, a year and a half ago now, I mentioned to Eric in an email that I'd talked to Gia about her domming me and his reaction was basically "good luck with that", like he considered it completely unlikely. It's interesting to think that I may be helping to draw something out in her that neither of them expected. I wonder if Eric would find it intimidating if I were male? It's silly to speculate about.

Anyway.

The next day I came by in the afternoon. Another friend of ours was also over. We all chilled out, chatted. I played with Bee for ages, read him a book several times over as he grabbed at the pages, played lots of peekaboo, let him walk around gripping my fingers for support. I cleaned their kitchen a bit, just cuz. Gia and Eric took a long shower. I think I *might* have heard them fooling around in there... and it actually didn't bother me at all. I think it helped that our other friend was there, I might have felt differently if I were alone. They each worked on some crafting projects, we watched some shows, Eric made dinner for everyone and Gia made lovely little fruit parfaits. I left in the late evening. Warm, warm, warm.
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  #393  
Old 04-08-2012, 03:01 AM
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Sounds lime an amazing evening!
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  #394  
Old 04-13-2012, 11:43 PM
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Sounds lime an amazing evening!
It really was!
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  #395  
Old 04-14-2012, 12:45 AM
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Things have been quiet lately, or at least I haven't felt much imperative to post.

Outwardly, Davis and I are getting along very well. No big fights or long, difficult conversations. We hang out, get food, talk, watch movies, have good sex. He came to my family birthday dinner last night and I was SO glad to have him there. I like my family, but he and I share jokes, references, and glances that are just for us. He makes it all matter more. This weekend, for my present, he's taking me somewhere overnight. I don't know where yet, exciting.

Inwardly, I still question and struggle. Is this connection needful enough to my heart for me to build my life around, or would I be better off letting go, drifting, searching, until I find something that grabs me so hard that I couldn't even *think* of letting go?

In deference to my indecisiveness, I told him I couldn't commit to moving in with him in August when his lease is up, so he's looking for a place on his own. Luckily he recently got a big raise at work.

I sent him a long email about D/s last month, baring my soul, theorizing about what we could try. I didn't pose any explicit questions for him to respond to, but I'm still a little annoyed that he hasn't responded in any way. I said in the email that "This isn't for me" would be 100% ok as a response. Heck, "I don't know" would be fine too. Then again, he HAS told me that in the relatively recent past. He said that he is interested in exploring but doesn't feel comfortable doing so with roommates around. Fruuustraatiiiing.

I took off work two days last month to watch Bee while Gia and Eric were at work, as they were in between switching from their last sitter to a new one. It was *awesome*, so absorbing and pleasant.

On one of the days, I went into their yard and laid in their hammock on my back, with Bee laying on top of me, on his stomach. He snoozed for two hours while I enjoyed the breeze, the dappled sun, the warmth, the feeling. I thought to myself "If time stopped right now and I just lived in this moment forever, that would be ok."

I stayed for dinner after babysitting, and we also ended up hanging out a few more times around those same couple of weeks. Eric told me that he was enjoying having me around so much. Coming from a sometimes-taciturn guy, it was nice to hear.

Last Saturday night, G, E, and I were all at the same club night together. Gia kissed me and kissed me on the dance floor, told me we needed to hang out more. I agreed wholeheartedly, hands on her hips, smiling.

Today we made plans for a fun shopping date next week. The week after that we're going to go together to a workshop on female dominance at a local, women-owned sex toy shop. Really excited about that, and so glad 1) she wants to learn more about that, and 2) she wants to do so with me at her side. Maybe soonish we'll even manage to squeeze in another one-on-one sexy date! *sigh* It's just still hella hard for her to get away for long, and probably will be for quite some time yet.
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 04-14-2012 at 01:00 AM.
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  #396  
Old 04-14-2012, 07:37 AM
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Oh cool, I would totally love that kind of workshop. Have a good time! Hopefully you'll be able to have a date sometime in not too distant future.

I wonder about your hesitation with Davis: as things are right now, do you feel your connection and relationship is satisfying? Does your hesitation come from becoming more "primary", making commitments that practically limit your future choices, like living together?

I'm thinking, maybe it's just not for you two. If that it not what you want, I don't think it will become what you want... I don't think it will be that even if you really want to want that, or if you know it's what he wants. I'm not sure if it's good to think in terms of "what if this and that (and he) changed, then I would maybe want to live with him". Maybe it would be more fair to both of you to say "I love you as you are and our relationship satisfies me as it is, but I don't feel like I want to move further. If this if not a relationship style that will satisfy you, you need to consider your other options.". Do you feel that statement would be true? (Only assuming you are satisfied in the now.)

Just thoughts, as always, disregard whatever doesn't apply.
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  #397  
Old 04-24-2012, 02:56 AM
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I wonder about your hesitation with Davis: as things are right now, do you feel your connection and relationship is satisfying? Does your hesitation come from becoming more "primary", making commitments that practically limit your future choices, like living together?
Yes, I get satisfaction from the relationship. Companionship, comfort, stability, fun. We share new things with each other, we look out for each other, make each other feel good. It's a really good, deep friendship. And yes, it's when I think about the "primary"-type activities, commitment, that I get upset and worried and fatalistic about the relationship.

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I'm thinking, maybe it's just not for you two. If that it not what you want, I don't think it will become what you want... I don't think it will be that even if you really want to want that, or if you know it's what he wants. I'm not sure if it's good to think in terms of "what if this and that (and he) changed, then I would maybe want to live with him". Maybe it would be more fair to both of you to say "I love you as you are and our relationship satisfies me as it is, but I don't feel like I want to move further. If this if not a relationship style that will satisfy you, you need to consider your other options.". Do you feel that statement would be true? (Only assuming you are satisfied in the now.)
I often think the types of things you're saying. I think I could say that statement and mean it, though there'd be a part of me that would wonder about what I was missing by eschewing primariness with Davis. And if I did find someone I wanted to do primary things with that wasn't him, I think that would just break him to be around. We would have to fully separate our lives.

The weekend away was lovely. He took me to a bed and breakfast in an adjacent state. We had a four-poster bed and a jacuzzi. He suggested that I bring some of my kinky supplies, like my bondage tape, and he tied me up to the bed and had his rough way with me. Really really nice, I'm getting a little turned on just thinking about it. He said that that was his response to my long D/s email. I'd prefer the routh sex AND a real conversation, but I'm not going to push it more right now.

I spent the night before last at his place. I was feeling kind of snappish before I'd even arrived, for no particular reason. Things went downhill from there. He asked me why I was being so short with him, I said I'd been dwelling on our future and was feeling a little freaked out. It upset him that thoughts about us could upset me so much. While we were talking I actually had a mini panic attack, which never happens to me, breathing too fast and shying away from him.

I calmed down, we talked. He thinks that I haven't let go of the pain and blaming (of myself, of him) from our last go at a relationship, and that maybe I should talk to a therapist. I don't think it's about that, though I DO fear things ending as badly as they did last time.

He's made it very clear that we DON'T need to move in together this year, even though I know he'd really wanted that. He's not pressuring me. He's treating me well and taking an interest in the things I like. We have fun together, I don't want to lose him, I can't bring myself to leave. But I see or hear random things, in magazines or in random conversations, about people needing to break up rather than stick with something that's not right and I feel a sense of resonance.

I'm not ready to make a decision. I hate feeling paralyzed. Part of me is pretty damn sure I should leave. Another part thinks "all the more reason to make the most of the time I have left with him" and clings all the harder.
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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  #398  
Old 04-24-2012, 10:47 PM
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Oh, and thank you for the thoughts, Rory, I always appreciate it.

The feminine dominance class was GREAT, btw. Will post about it soon.
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  #399  
Old 04-27-2012, 04:49 PM
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And now, the femdom class! Gia met me at my place after work and I made us a quick dinner while we chatted. We each had a beer, to fortify ourselves. She looked beautiful... she usually does but I thought maybe she'd made a special effort.

The class was PACKED into the tiny women-owned sex toy store, chairs taking up almost all possible floor space. The presenter was a poised, middle-aged Asian woman with huge presence. She switched effortlessly between self-effacing, silly, sexy, reassuring, and commanding. She kept the audience on our toes by regularly offering up a different thought or tone or joke or question than might be the "expected" thing during the course of any given piece of her talk. It was very interactive, lots of people calling out responses and her scribbling them on large pieces of paper.

She made it clear that she wasn't there to teach us to be versions of the scowling, latex and high-heels clad porn dominatrix stereotype, but rather to help us begin to find ways to feel comfortable exploring a space that can be very intimidating if you've never done it before (this essay provides a great breakdown of how scary it can be to be a new dom: http://safeword.tumblr.com/post/2183...to-dom-you-aka). She also made space for people like me, who she referred to as "partners or consorts", to be getting things out of the class for ourselves.

The most fun part was an exercise where we listed out, as a group, aallll of our favorite "powerful femme icons" from history, mythology, pop culture, etc. Everything from Kali to mermaids to Jean Grey. Then she asked us to pick out a few favorites and write down their names and the qualities we associate with them. The list of qualities, she told us, could be used for "inside-out" work -- inner traits we can cultivate to feel more confident claiming the dominant role. The icons, she said, could be used for "outside-in" work -- styles and mannerisms we could adopt to "fake it til you make it". I thought it was a beautifully fun and individualized way to explore the topic. She advised any aspiring doms who were there with a "partner or consort" to steal their list as highly useful intelligence. I later gave mine to Gia, she seemed very pleased to have it.

The whole thing was just what Gia needed, I think -- reassurance that it's ok to feel excited but also unsure and a little lost, and ideas to make the prospect of dominance into something creative and playful rather than some scary responsibility. We both spoke highly of the event as we were leaving. Back at my house, with a few minutes before she had to leave, I licked and nibbled at her neck to her purringingly pleased approval.
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  #400  
Old 04-27-2012, 06:11 PM
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The most fun part was an exercise where we listed out, as a group, aallll of our favorite "powerful femme icons" from history, mythology, pop culture, etc. Everything from Kali to mermaids to Jean Grey. Then she asked us to pick out a few favorites and write down their names and the qualities we associate with them. The list of qualities, she told us, could be used for "inside-out" work -- inner traits we can cultivate to feel more confident claiming the dominant role. The icons, she said, could be used for "outside-in" work -- styles and mannerisms we could adopt to "fake it til you make it". I thought it was a beautifully fun and individualized way to explore the topic. She advised any aspiring doms who were there with a "partner or consort" to steal their list as highly useful intelligence. I later gave mine to Gia, she seemed very pleased to have it.
This sounds awesome! I've realized over time that I'm very, I don't know what to call it, woman-centered? Like I hold my relationships with women in the highest regard, their well-being in the highest regard, things like that. I take my identity as a woman seriously and often look for strength in other women as inspiration. Might be why I *LOVE* pictures of us looking powerful, books with female heroines, so on and so forth.
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