Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #281  
Old 11-20-2011, 04:30 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,244
Default

Thanks for your thoughts, ladies. The jury is still out on this one, but of course I'll keep you updated. I'm seeing Davis today, I think I'll play this one by ear. I do think it'd be ok either way.

Ah, crushes. I kept getting distracted during yoga yesterday, grr. I wish this blog weren't a secret and this crush weren't a secret so I could post pictures of Jay. You know you're into someone when you want to show them to everyone you know.
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #282  
Old 11-21-2011, 06:42 AM
MrFarFromRight's Avatar
MrFarFromRight MrFarFromRight is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Smack in the middle of The Spanish Revolution!
Posts: 483
Default

I don't think that you should have to admit to every bout of flirtation that you get into. But the following details make me think that, in this case, it might be better to at least mention it to Davis... and even to Jay, so that he knows that your boundaries are not going to be crossed.
Quote:
I haven't felt crushed out quite like this in years, maybe not since high school, in this unacknowledged and unacknowledgeable way. [...] I'm positive, as of tonight at least, that it can't just be me, Jay has to have noticed it too, this dynamic we've slipped into. Hell, Davis has probably picked up on it too, he's an empathic sort of guy. [...] And in the meantime... masturbate furiously... er, I mean, cold shower...
Quote:
I wish this blog weren't a secret and this crush weren't a secret so I could post pictures of Jay. You know you're into someone when you want to show them to everyone you know.
Seems to me that - this time - your feelings for another are stronger than usual. Flirting can be even more fun / exciting when you DON'T know whether it's going to lead anywhere further. But it can also be fun (and much less dangerous) if everybody concerned (You, Davis, his sister, Jay, and Jay's GF) KNOWS that it's only flirting and no more. Given your own polyamory, Davis' having to deal with his discomfort at that, his depressions, and his sister's mistrust of you, you'd be playing it safer if everything were clear and above board. Things like this may seem unimportant to one of the parties (so they're not talked about) until one of the other parties springs the surprise on you that for the last 6 weeks jealousy has been gnawing at their entrails...

Especially given that Davis might have picked up on it by himself, I think that you should talk about it.

But, as opalescent points out, don't make a heavy deal out of it.

And keep taking the cold showers... or whatever.
__________________
If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
Reply With Quote
  #283  
Old 11-22-2011, 06:42 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,244
Default

So... who is this Jay guy to me anyway?

Jay and I went to the same high school but we didn't know each other then exactly. I was a freshman when he was a cool, long-haired senior. Years later, when I was just leaving high school, I started a fwb relationship with his best friend and roommate at the time, Terry (the one who's now dating Davis's sister). Jay thought it was messed up that Terry was fooling around with someone so much younger, and didn't have much to do with me. In groups he would be snarky to me, but I thought that was just the way he was (not totally untrue).

The years went by and though Terry and I were no longer a thing I stayed connected with that friend group. When I started dating Davis (a childhood friend from a different state), I introduced him to everyone. Jay and Davis became particularly close. Davis is completely straight and pretty dang mono, but he indulged me in fantasies about threeways from time to time which sometimes included our friend Thea and sometimes included Jay (yeah, I've always had a thing for him)... just fantasies, nothing we even remotely considered pursuing in real life.

When all the drama went down with Davis and I, my biggest struggle was knowing I needed to leave and not being able to bring myself to do it. Davis was scarily depressed and isolated and I cared for him very deeply, how could I abandon him? In the end, it was seeing Jay's devoted friendship that gave me the confidence that someone would be there to hold Davis together even if I left.

I felt indebted to Jay, I felt this swell of gratitude that a) he had set me free, and b) he was watching over my loved one. At the same time, I felt pretty sure he hated me. After all, Terry and Davis's sister did. How can you not at least resent someone who's broken your friend when you're the one there picking up the pieces?

Over the four and a half years between then and now, Davis and I went through various cycles of staying away from each other, reconnecting, being friends, being lovers, and finally being in mutually-acknowledged love and now a relationship again. Jay was a presence that whole time. I've talked about the way he avoids eye contact sometimes and that is in fact a thing about him, but in truth I was afraid to look him in the eye myself. I felt ashamed and almost afraid of him, of what he thought of me.

That started really changing about a year ago. The four of us would hang out from time to time -- me, Davis, Jay, and Jay's gf Bonnie -- and it was clear that things were ok. We were hardly best buds, but Jay included me and was cool with me. He and Bonnie have come to see my queer cabaret group a few times, which I really appreciate because they're totally not involved in the queer scene or the theater scene otherwise. Bonnie is a cool chick, we've bonded a little.

There was one evening, not long before Davis and I decided to date again, that shifted things on a fundamental level. The four of us went to see an art show that featured some of Bonnie's work. Afterwards, we went drinking. We were playing pool and a random guy began hitting on me inappropriately. Jay was the first one to notice, he took me aside and asked me if I wanted him to take the guy outside. I thought it was absurd but touching that he would offer to beat up this guy for me. I think he was completely sincere. I told him it was fine, and just went outside and enjoyed the air with Bonnie for a few minutes to get away.

We ended up going back to our neighborhood, dropping off the car, and walking to a different bar to finish up the evening. We were all quite sloshed by this point, as you can imagine. Jay and I got to reminiscing about high school, Terry, all that old stuff. Jay alluded to us having hated each other back then. I asked him what he meant. He explained about his problem with my relationship with Terry and how he'd been mean to me because of it and had figured I'd hated him right back as a consequence, known of which I'd known. "No," I said, "I guess I was a pretty oblivious kid, but I thought you just didn't give a crap whether I lived or died, and I never hated you... I never hated you."

It was such a strange moment, each of us having our past recast like that. I carried it with me for a couple of days afterwards, mulling it over, thinking a lot about my life and all the players in it. And then there was that dream. I guess it seems silly to keep coming back to that, what does a dream really signify anyway? But, well, there are dreams you forget and dreams that stick with you, and this was one of the latter. I'm not trying to give it more prominence or significance than it deserves, but it did represent a shift for me. Fun fact: the hug in the dream, warm and mutual and reassuring, was more close physical contact than we've ever had in real life. I hugged him once after one of my shows and he was like "woah, woah"... like I've said, closed off.

Anyway, that leads us to the present day. I've thought about it more and decided not to say anything to Davis at present after all. It may be that I'm just a little giddy at having Jay be a close friend that I can laugh with and bond with after all this time. There may occasionally be a flirty tone, but that doesn't mean we're flirting per se, I do think some of it may be in my head. Every single interaction has occurred with Davis present, and he already knows very clearly that I think Jay is attractive, so there's hardly a secret here that needs revealing. Talking about it with him might just make things weird. I've been trying to learn that even though introspection and communication are both vital, overthinking and overtalking *every* single thing is not necessarily beneficial in all cases... it's a tough lesson for me.

If I have any reason to believe something more is brewing, or if I just feel the moment is right, then I'll talk to Davis about it. But whereas Ziggy was actively wooing me, trying to get me to cheat (ugh, why did I let it go on?), Jay would never do such a thing... I truly don't have anything to fear. The fact that we don't even casually touch, except in the most incidental of ways, makes me all the more certain that I'll notice in plenty of time of we're ever in the slightest danger of crossing a line.

It's been great, sharing a wavelength with Jay, realizing that we both find the same things about Davis exasperating and that we can back each other up when he's being ridiculous. He's like a metamour, which is appropriate considering that I jokingly call him and Davis "hetero boyfriends" from time to time, they spend so much time together. Davis and Bonnie had a much more confrontational "metamour" relationship to start, each felt the other was monopolizing too much of Jay's time, but they eventually came around to getting along.
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 11-22-2011 at 07:24 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #284  
Old 11-22-2011, 06:59 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,244
Default

A postscript.

On Sunday, yesterday, I joined Davis at his place around noon to watch the ball game. Jay showed up not long after, unannounced -- Bonnie is out if town so it was just assumed between the two of them that they'd hang. The three of us groaned and cheered for the ball players, and our team narrowly won.

Afterwards, I suggested that we go out for burgers and drinks. Davis and I contrived a reason for me to stop back at my house first so that I could grab a present we'd been meaning to give Jay (his birthday was a few weeks ago but I kept forgetting the gift at home). In the car, as the three of us joked around, Davis called Jay weird-looking. "Don't say he's weird-looking, that's mean," I said. "He's striking." "Pssh," said Davis, "I mean, people do want to strike him on a regular basis..." Just totally silly, warm, familiar banter all around. I love three-person dynamics when it's all right, I really do.

At the bar we gave him the present, a book, he liked it. We talked about the impending Thanksgiving holiday -- my parents are joining us at Davis's parents' home this year for the first time. Jay had no particular plans. We invited him to join us, but he declined. I hope he hangs out with someone at least, I hate to think of him being alone (Bonnie won't be back until the weekend).
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #285  
Old 11-23-2011, 03:57 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,244
Default

I love love love this incredibly NSFW tumblr site -- http://sexisnottheenemy.tumblr.com/
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #286  
Old 11-24-2011, 07:32 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,244
Default

I used to be very careful about this site, lately I've been more lax. There have been a couple of times now that I've been posting on my phone and Davis has asked me what I'm doing. I've given generic answers and he hadn't pried. This morning it happened again and he did press as to what I was doing. Posting on a message board, I said. Which message board, he asked. His parents were around. We can talk about it later, I said.

Later we went for a walk, just the two of us. I thought about whether or not I was ready to let him see this blog but didn't end up saying anything. Who knows, he may already know about it if he's caught a glance at my phone, maybe he's secretly read the whole thing. There's nothing here that I feel like I can't show him, it's just all very personal, like a diary, and I wouldn't want him to read my diary. But this *is* a public website.

Should I just tell him?
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #287  
Old 11-25-2011, 09:51 AM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497
Default

You might tell him and ask him not to read? I don't know if that'll work for you two.

For me, it's been an adjustment since me and Mya started a relationship to have her read everything I write. Alec knows that I write but he isn't interested in reading and I don't really want him to, either. But Mya and I met through the place where I do most of my journalling, and we started our journal here together. We have talked a lot about the good and bad that brings. On one hand, I have no secrets, so it "doesn't matter" if she reads the stuff. On the other, it is different. I don't censor myself, because writing is really important to me, and because we have agreed we don't want our relationship to have an impact on what we can write. But there are issues such as timing: if it's heavy news and she's already tired I would wait a while to tell her but since I write it, she will know when she happens to read it. And often it would be important to communicate about it quite soon but it's not always possible since both of us have a life and we're in an LDR. And sometimes there can be misunderstandings, which may not have happened when talking, and which can cause hurt feelings until they're cleared up (which can be a while because of the timing thing). Then again, this has also been useful. We communicate about everything. That's both good and bad, but so far mostly good. It can cause overanalysing, and unnecessary worrying. But it also makes our partnership really close and honest. I think it benefits us because our communication styles are quite similar, and therefore misunderstandings are quite rare; and also because we enjoy talking every little thing to death. But I still would not want the same with Alec, because I think the negative effects would outweigh the positives.
Reply With Quote
  #288  
Old 11-26-2011, 03:54 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,244
Default

Thanks for the perspective, Rory. I ended up telling him and saying that he was not barred from reading my blog but that he might not want to as it could be a bit much emotionally. He said he probably won't but that he'll tell me if he does.

At his parents' place, where we just spent two days, I kept thinking about the future. On all the walls there were pictures of him and his sister as kids... I found myself wondering often whether he and I will one day go on to form a family of our own. I never used to have these kind of thoughts. I suppose it's part of growing up and not wanting to just drift through life anymore. Or maybe it's just about finally seeing someone close to me have a baby of her own. Hell, I am still totally ambivalent about the idea of kids. But the future, how can I not wonder about it?

We had a difficult conversation on the long car ride home about the things I think I would need from him if I were to feel comfortable making a long-term commitment. Chief among those is the whole sense-of-direction, dealing-with-the-depression thing. And he actually has been doing better with all that lately, to be fair, but there's so much more he could be doing with his life and I don't just mean finding a job. He didn't like feeling like I was handing him a list of faults to correct and I didn't like being in that position myself one bit, but I felt like I had to let him know where I was at rather than just silently wait for him to work on this stuff on his own and then leave if he doesn't.
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #289  
Old 11-26-2011, 04:11 PM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,244
Default

Other random tidbits.

I had an unexpected free day this week on the day that Eric stays home with Bee. I came over and watched the boy for a couple of hours while E got some chores done, it was really nice for all of us. Bee is a big fan of the natural world. If he's fussing he'll usually calm down and perk up when taken outside. During my visit, I decided to get a head start on teaching him how to give cats "nice pets", so I took his little hand and ran it along the cat's side. He got all focused and quiet as I did this several more times and didn't try to grab or pull or anything. I know he's too little to actually understand, but I appreciate his respect for animals nonetheless.

Gia and I haven't spent much time together lately. :/ The holidays make it tough, we're both running around trying to see all our family members. I feel calm about it, which is nice on the one hand, but on the other hand I worry that it means I'm losing my romantic/emotional connection to her if the distance/time apart doesn't bother me. *sigh* I am *so* good at worrying. It's assuredly just because I've been distracted by all the time I'm spending with Davis that I miss her less, which is not a bad thing.

We hung out with Jay again in a big group of friends. I still appreciate his weird-cuteness and his perceptiveness and all the other things that make me like him, but the crushed out part wasn't quite so intense. Maybe it really was just a brief, er, flare-up, based on our burgeoning friendship and my happiness about that? Like with everything, only time will tell and I would do best not to concern myself with it more than is called for!
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #290  
Old 11-27-2011, 04:50 PM
fuchka's Avatar
fuchka fuchka is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 338
Default

I'm just another newbie to this forum who got hooked for ages reading through your blog. Phew, all caught up... and just in time for sunrise
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
bisexual, boundaries, mono/poly, pregnancy, secondary, unrequited, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:52 PM.