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  #271  
Old 11-17-2011, 06:25 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Ha, just realized that I didn't actually include the link I was referencing in the post above. Silly me! Here it is: http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/domadvic.html
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  #272  
Old 11-17-2011, 06:40 AM
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Fun fact: Gia has had sex with two people in her entire life -- Eric and me. o_O

I knew she and Eric had started dating very early, and I knew that he's had many more casual encounters with female friends than she has over the years, but I figured she'd hooked up with a person or two in college probably, plus there was their ex, Jen. Nope on the college thing, and it turns out that while she and Jen shared some very intimate moments, they never got to the point of what she would consider sex.

Just kinda boggles my mind! It came up because she's realized she's attracted to a mutual male friend of ours and was thinking of telling him, maybe even eventually doing something about it. Oddly, I wasn't jealous the way I was with Liza. Maybe because Liza, being female, is someone Gia and Eric could share a threesome with, which is the type of sex I used to have with her/them. Whereas I feel like I could hardly begrudge her the chance to explore sex with a man other than her husband when she's never done that before. Or maybe it's just that I know and trust this friend. Dunno, and don't really care, I'm just happy to be able to be chill about it. Chill is how I like to be.
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 11-17-2011 at 01:22 PM.
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  #273  
Old 11-18-2011, 02:45 AM
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"Be honest, creative and adventurous!" <-- Quote from Davis's mom on the topic of figuring out what we all want and are willing to make for Thanksgiving. I love that woman.
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  #274  
Old 11-19-2011, 06:42 AM
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Phew... so... ok... I am so flustered right now...

I spent the evening gaming with Davis and our friends Jay and Larry. Fun times, lotta laughing, lotta geekery, some drinking. I posted about Jay a good while back -- he's Davis's best friend and I have a tiny little crush on him. It's the funniest thing. We've known each other a long time, but it's only in the last year that I could say we've genuinely been friends. Davis knows I find him attractive and has no problem with that.

He's an unusual looking guy, but somehow he really does it for me. Tall and very thin, sharp face, big hands and long fingers that I keep noticing... fuuuuuuck. He's very, very hard to get to know. He's closed off unless he knows you very well, he'll barely make eye contact, he has this wall of sarcasm and indifference but when you get to know him you realize that rather than being callous he's paying very close attention to the people around him and is always ready to try to help out in some subtle, understated way.

So, I've noticed just a hint of a flirty dynamic between us before. As we've become more comfortable with each other it's slowly built. With a guy who's usually so closed, just the act of making eye contact often feels intimate. Lately we've been joking, talking more, bonding little by little over a dozen tiny things over the course of the night, like giving Davis some mutually agreed upon piece of advice for how to deal with his crappy roommate, or helping each other learn a new game, or sharing a joke that no one else seems to be getting in quite the same way. It's been a mild thing that I thought was maybe just in my own head, but tonight it was more pronounced.

I keep noticing his damn hands. God, I can only imagine how they'd feel. Plus, tonight he was wearing leather cuffs on both wrists... they didn't appear to be bondage cuffs, no place to attach them to anything, just accessories, but my brain still clicked off for a second when I noticed them, I swear.

I haven't felt crushed out quite like this in years, maybe not since high school, in this unacknowledged and unacknowledgeable way. The "forbidden-ness" of it -- Davis's best friend, who's in a mono relationship with another mutual friend -- means I'm caught between enjoying the vibe and keeping a tight handle on it, and it just ends up being all the more engaging for that.

I'm positive, as of tonight at least, that it can't just be me, Jay has to have noticed it too, this dynamic we've slipped into. Hell, Davis has probably picked up on it too, he's an empathic sort of guy.

If anything ever, EVER even *began* to happen, it would be a disaster. A huge betrayal of Davis on more than one level, which I know neither Jay nor I would ever countenance, not to mention of Jay's gf, who's really a sweet girl. Maybe, *maybe* some day things could become chill enough all around that it might be a possibility. It seems deeply unlikely, and there are other complications, such as the fact that Jay's other best friend, who dates Davis's sister, had never forgiven me for cheating on Davis back in the day.

I just really needed to get all that out.

It's just harmless flirtiness, yeah? And hell, it's so subtle that most people probably wouldn't even pick up on it. Should I enjoy it or quash it? Is it innocent or dangerous? Should I say something to Davis? I think the answer has to be yes on that score -- I have to let him know that I'm feeling this vibe between me and Jay, that I absolutely don't intend to act on it but that it's there. Gotta be honest and circumspect.

And in the meantime... masturbate furiously... er, I mean, cold shower...
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  #275  
Old 11-19-2011, 07:03 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
There was a flirty vibe going on between me, Jay and Thea, and that was the one part of it all that I was ok with, that felt respectful.

Finally I had to leave the room because I was feeling too upset. Jay came out after me and gave me a look that said he understood and we hugged. When we pulled back he looked at me appraisingly and said "Is there something we should be talking about?" I knew he was referring to the flirting happening between me and him and Thea.

I said "There are several excellent reasons why nothing's gonna happen, but... yeah, we can definitely talk." Then I woke up.
A portion of a post from late August about a dream that I found surprising at the time, about Jay and an old female friend. This was before I had even noticed anything flirty happening.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Davis runs a roleplaying game for some of our friends. Both Jay (Davis's bff, who I had a flirty dream about, mentioned in an entry a couple of pages back) and I are in the game. At last night's game Jay and I were sorta jokingly flirting for a minute... in real life this time!... and there was just sorta a lot of eye contact between us, noticeably more than usual. Surprising!!!
And from two weeks later, when I did notice.

So funny that my unconscious mind seemed to predict that I'd end up in this position of noticing a connection and wondering if I should talk about it or ignore it... my unconscious went for "talk" and I'm inclined to agree, if only with Davis... I think I'd combust from embarrassment and attraction if I tried to say something to Jay directly...
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 11-19-2011 at 07:06 AM.
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  #276  
Old 11-19-2011, 01:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
And in the meantime... masturbate furiously... er, I mean, cold shower...


That's an interesting situation you have there with Jay. Why do you feel you have to tell Davis about it if it's something you wouldn't pursue anyway? Is it just because you appreciate being honest in all situations or do you wish that you could have something with Jay and that's why you'd have to tell Davis? Although if Davis has noticed a vibe between you two, maybe it would a good idea to tell him that yes, there is something there but you would never act on it without everyone being ok with it - which you understand they might never be.
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  #277  
Old 11-19-2011, 05:45 PM
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Why do you feel you have to tell Davis about it if it's something you wouldn't pursue anyway? Is it just because you appreciate being honest in all situations or do you wish that you could have something with Jay and that's why you'd have to tell Davis? Although if Davis has noticed a vibe between you two, maybe it would a good idea to tell him that yes, there is something there but you would never act on it without everyone being ok with it - which you understand they might never be.
I realize my reaction might seems a little over the top -- surely I don't need to tell Davis about every attraction or little moment of flirtation. And I don't think I've decided for sure that I am actually going to talk to him about it yet.

Definitely the urge comes in part from wondering if he's noticed. I know he would never assume that I'd act on it, but it still might be reassuring for him to hear me say so.

A bigger part of it comes from leftover insecurity on my end from the time I cheated on him with Ziggy. It's not that I think I'd do so again, and that situation was very different -- I loved Z -- but in some ways it started similarly, with a mutual attraction that was growing for me and which I didn't think I could acknowledge. Rather then deal with those feelings I sought to stifle them. I thought I could control it, but then I got drunk and things happened and there was no turning back because my feelings just exploded.

If I had dealt with what was going on for me rather then ignoring it and letting it grow beneath the surface, maybe things would never have gone so far. Or maybe I could have just talked to Davis about the fact that I was still in love with my ex and maybe we could have started down the road of healthy poly long ago. I kind of doubt it but almost anything would have been preferable to the terrible mess that was the year or so after.

So, yeah, I guess realizing I have a secret attraction to someone in the context of my relationship with Davis is kind of a trigger for me. :/
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  #278  
Old 11-20-2011, 06:07 AM
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Ah, my dear woman, you are a thinker. And a worrier. In that way we are very similar. But perhaps this is one of those times you might want to give your brain a rest and just enjoy the attraction between you and Jay without worrying. As long as you're not dissing Davis in any way (and I am certain you are not), it's all good. It will likely either fizzle out, or morph into just a flirty friendship. Even if he did notice, maybe he just sees it as some fun flirty energy between the two of you and doesn't feel threatened. I would think you'd only need to tell Davis if it seemed like it was heading in a direction where the fantasies might become reality. But not every attraction goes anywhere, so give yourself a break.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 11-20-2011 at 06:10 AM.
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  #279  
Old 11-20-2011, 12:57 PM
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Cindie that is one way to look at it. Another way to go is how miss pixi and I handle it. We tell each other about every crush we get, whether there is sense or opportunity in pursuing an actual relationship with said crush or not.

We don't have big issues with jealousy though. I like knowing who rings her bell, and vice versa. I feel it brings us closer. But that's just us.
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  #280  
Old 11-20-2011, 03:00 PM
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If you think Davis 'knows' that you are attracted to Jay, then you may want to acknowledge the attraction. You mentioned Davis is pretty empathetic so he may already get there is a spark between you and Jay. I don't think this is required of you - people handle non-acted upon crushes different ways. But it might be reassuring to you and Davis if you acknowledge the situation and move on. It doesn't have to be a big deal or long involved conversation. I'm envisioning something like: [You]: 'Yep, I would totally bang Jay if things were different in my life. [Davis]: Yup, figured you would. [You] Hey, want to watch True Blood now?' [Davis]: Sure, that Sookie is a hottie. [Make out session ensues as True Blood plays in the background].
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