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  #261  
Old 10-30-2011, 11:47 AM
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I was crying, I couldn't explain why, he was upset and asking if it was about him.
Stereotype warning:
I'm going to say, this is a guy vs girl thing. Guys usually don't get emotional without knowing why (in the're mind anyway, because grumpy, snippy or argumentative is not "emotional") and they have a hard time understanding that girls do. Crying due to stress or anything else other than being sad, just freaks them out, it makes no sense to them what so ever. They feel that they need to "fix it", but as nothing makes sense in their mind, they don't know what to do.
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  #262  
Old 10-30-2011, 01:14 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Well said SN....add the happy,giddy activity into it and the confusion may just triple.
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  #263  
Old 10-30-2011, 01:51 PM
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Davis and I are struggling. He continues to be depressed, he has trouble just getting up every day and getting motivated. He's not in a truly dark place... just in a major slump. I keep thinking to myself, maybe I should just end it, maybe this guy will never be the partner I want.

On the one hand he's sensitive, introspective, communicative, open-minded, consistent, supportive. He's utterly devoted to me. On the other hand, I worry that he's not outgoing enough to keep up with the kind of life I like to lead, he's not as dynamic and engaged in the possibilities the world had to offer and in the issues he professes to care about as I'd like to see, he doesn't put the sort of emphasis on self-care and his own well-being and stability that I think would come from a strong internal will... and as deeply as I care about him, he's not exactly moving me to any great heights of sexual revelation or ecstatic positive emotion or joyful self-discovery.

Is all that too much to ask? Is comfort and compatibility and commitment and companionship enough?
Yes, I think "comfort, compatibility, commitment, and companionship" can be enough to sustain a relationship if there is acceptance and understanding, and if you have other relationships (including friendships) that fill you with passion and joy.

Annabel, it seems to me that whenever you start doubting your relationship with Davis, it comes out of your thoughts about his not being able to fulfill certain hopes or expectations you have -- whether those expectations are about his place in your life or how you think he should be handling his depression. Of course, there is no doubt that a person's depression does affect those around him, but you have expressed here a few times that you don't think he does enough to take care of himself and that disappoints you. You've said a few times how he doesn't have as much enthusiasm, emotional strength, or zest for life that you do and you wonder if he's right for you because of that. You say "maybe this guy will never be the partner I want," which could be a little unfair or unrealistic. Maybe there isn't anyone out there who matches the dream you have of the "partner you want."

I grew up with depressed family members, so I know where all that hoping and expecting and wishing will get you -- nowhere. I had to learn after many years of disappointment, wishing they would take better care of themselves, and feeling like I had been forgotten or dismissed, to realize that the people I loved had to find their own way. It may be a huge challenge for you to accept that he is making choices and forging his own path in life, although how he does it may not look like enough to you. How he handles his depression and life is definitely not how you would do it, but that doesn't mean he should be doing it any other way. He may have to struggle for a few more years to come to some sort of equilibrium, and he can't do it for you to come to that place, although he can use his relationship with you as a catalyst.

I think letting go of expectation and reminding yourself to see him for who he is (which can be a constant process), rather than what you hope he will become, would do a lot of good for you both. Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance. I suspect that if you had more of a sense of security about how he fits into your life, as the person he is right now, his depression would not necessarily be a deal-breaker but rather a part of him that you allow room for and know how to navigate around for yourself. After all, all we ever really have is this moment of now. Who knows, maybe at some point you will choose not to continue the relationship, but for now I think you might want to look at how you create turmoil within yourself by worrying about how the future will go and if he will step up to doing or being what you think he should do and be.
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Last edited by nycindie; 10-31-2011 at 12:21 AM.
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  #264  
Old 11-01-2011, 11:56 PM
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Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Well said SN....add the happy,giddy activity into it and the confusion may just triple.
Agreed, good point.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #265  
Old 11-02-2011, 12:11 AM
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I agree that there may well not be any perfect, imaginary "partner I want." The fact that Davis has issues doesn't need to be a deal-breaker if we can both love and support each other. But there's something inside of me that's resisting this relationship and I don't know if it's better to analyze it away and tough it out or listen to it and step back.

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Who knows, maybe at some point you will choose not to continue the relationship, but for now I think you might want to look at how you create turmoil within yourself by worrying about how the future will go and if he will step up to doing or being what you think he should do and be.
One thing's for sure, you're right about this... I definitely spend too much time worrying and configuring things in my head when I could just be dealing with the situation at hand. Bleh. I'm going to at least try to not perpetuate these unanswerable questions within myself for a while. Just meditate and be and release this circular thinking to the extent that I can.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #266  
Old 11-05-2011, 01:54 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Well, releasing my circular worries is actually going pretty well.

Each time I've seen Davis since I last wrote I've reminded myself not to start trying to analyze him or myself, cutting off any thoughts that start going too far down the path of "can we make this work, are we compatible enough, do I love him enough, what could our future look like?" Over the last few days of actively doing this I've felt more consistently loving towards him and happy to be in his company. We had a wonderful time together the other night, we gave each other full body massages and then made love (happy ending! ).

It almost makes me hesitant to post because this is a place for me to reflect and I don't want to start overthinking again, but I think maybe I'm starting to get the hang of not falling back into those patterns.

Gia and Eric had their first official post-birth just-them date night on Thursday! Not sure yet how it went, but I assume well.

Gia messaged me while I was at work the other day and we did a brief audio-video chat thing where I could see her and Bee sitting in front of her computer and hear her talking to me and him fussing (she couldn't see or hear me, I just had to type). It's something she normally does with Eric. Unfortunately it turned out she could only do one at a time and he wanted to get back on the line, so we didn't keep it going for long. But it was super cool to be literally given a window into her life when we'd normally be apart. I'm really looking forward to reconnecting with her when I get back from the 5-day work trip I'm embarking on today.

Next Sunday, we have plans to go to a shooting range -- Gia and Eric, me and Davis, and our friends K and Rob (a married couple, K is very close friends with Gia and hearts Bee almost as much as I do). I'm hopeful that Davis, G, and E can all get to know each other a little better. Eric and Davis are both big gun nuts, though Eric only owns one rifle and Davis doesn't currently own any forearms (he used to be in the military and knows a LOT about them).
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #267  
Old 11-11-2011, 11:55 AM
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Btw, lest anyone get the wrong idea and think that this is becoming some kind of exploitative setup with problematic shades of unicorn-ness, it wouldn't be just me alone with their baby, helping them get their two nights per month while I get one -- she's going to be reaching out to other friends and family for help. The fact is that I just want to spend as much time with Bee as possible, I miss him when a few days have gone by and I haven't seen him!
Now why should anybody get that idea?! Those of us who follow this thread know that you've fallen in love with Bee, as well. I don't count being ALLOWED to be one-on-one for two evenings a month with somebody that you love (whatever their age, and even considering that this one-on-one includes changing nappies*) as being exploited.

Stop worrying about what other people might think (or about yourself turning into a unicorn) and enjoy your time with Bee! I mean, before the birth, you and Gia were even discussing [at least the concept of] co-parenting.

p.s. Hardly unfair for you to get only one date a month if Eric's getting only two dates a month with his own wife. As you say, your time with each other isn't limited to these "luxury" formal dates.

* In a preparation-for-home-birthing group I attended (as friend and birthing-partner of a single-mum-to-be), one of the moderators once said: "Nobody actually enjoys washing out shitty nappies". My immediate reaction (and this based on previous experience) was: "Well, actually, if you REALLY love the child, even washing their shitty nappies can be an act of Love... and therefore cherished. I HAVE enjoyed doing so."

[Does this qualify me for inclusion in the "kinks of the month" list?]
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  #268  
Old 11-15-2011, 03:34 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Yeah, I guess that was pretty silly of me to write. At the time I was feeling some psychic overload from reading other peoples bad stories, I guess. And yeah... I actually feel fulfilled changing Bee's diapers because he stops fussing and I'm the one who made his little world right again. ^_^
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #269  
Old 11-15-2011, 03:50 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I haven't felt much like blogging lately, though I've been getting a kick from giving a lot of advice on other sections of the board.

Not much new to report. Bee has so many expressions he didn't have before. He's soooo alert and alive to his world. He laughs a lot (when he's not fussing). Davis and I continue to go through variations on our cycle of friction and connection. Just rolling with it. Gia helped me put some behavior of his into perspective in a really helpful way.

When I went out of town recently I ended up sending him a text message saying "I've found a listing online for a fetish sex club night in town tonight that's free for women -- I'm thinking about maybe going just out of curiosity and to observe, not to participate, but I don't want to push any boundaries with you. What do you think?" He wrote back and said that while he wouldn't be comfortable going to such a place himself, he understood the need to show me trust and support and so was fine with me going as long as I told him what I decided. I ended up not going but I was touched that he decided to be cool with it.

I feel like we started our relationship with the premise that we would both compromise -- I would give him space to become comfortable with things without pressuring him and he in turn would in fact work on becoming more comfortable. There's so much room within that for one person or the other to not uphold their end of the bargain, but I'm proud of both of us.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #270  
Old 11-15-2011, 04:21 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Posting this as sort of a follow-up to things I've posted previously about D/s. I think that usually when people are confused by D/s they more often seek to understand why the sub would possibly want that and maybe less frequently wonder what's going through the dom's head. I thought this guide for the novice dom was a neat window into the head of the budding dominant. It's hard and sensitive work, being in charge!
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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