the story of a secondary

[SNeacail]

What about addressing it to "My Family" and place a cc: at the bottom of who you sent it to and/or add a personal note to each person at the beginning.

[AnnabelMore]

When the hurricane was hitting, I called Gia and we talked about how, yeah, babysitting plans were definitely off the table. I was grumbling about how much it sucked that we weren't going to be able to see each other for a while and she was like "It just means I'll be that much happier to see you when I do see you!"

Which was nice and chipper but made me feel like, what, it takes distance for you to appreciate me? Am I a bother? Bleh. Insecure, I know, but like I was saying above I feel palpably sometimes how we each are reacting to things very differently right now, and it's a struggle to pull back.

Anyways, I wrote this poem, and that's the last I'll post for now:

Yet and still.

So we're in different places now, well how else could it be?
I still care for you and I know you still care for me
We have that and we have time, as for the rest we'll see

A friend, a lover, family member, all these I could be
Or we could drift apart, it's true, although I still believe
That for someone who sees you like I do you yet have need

To stand beside you, hold you, help you, of these things I dream
But when I reach my hand for yours, that's when your hand recedes
So when you want me, if you need me, you know where I'll be

Seeing to my own affairs, still upright, proud and free

[nycindie]

Beautiful!

Maybe write that poem for them on a pretty piece of paper and give that, instead of an analytical email. Gets the point across without as much "charge" to it.

[TruckerPete]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Beautiful!

Maybe write that poem for them on a pretty piece of paper and give that, instead of an analytical email. Gets the point across without as much "charge" to it.

I think it depends on how they feel about poetry. Me personally, I would rather a straightfoward explanation on what someone is thinking, and have in the past had problems with fighting the urge to run the other way when someone gave me a poem describing their feelings.

That said, it's a very lovely poem, and you know Eric and Gia best.

[AnnabelMore]

Thanks for the thoughts, ladies. I've decided to not try to get them to give me any further definitions or reassurances right now, whether by email or by poem. Making that firm decision has helped me relax and refocus a little.

I know from experience that when a partner is pulling away my instinct is to cling tighter... and that's not helpful. Gia is looking for some space and lightness in a life that has just become waaaay more crowded and serious. If I try to smoosh us closer together I'm just going to make her want to pull away more. So, I chill out. I back off. And then I notice she's emailing me a little more. When I stop chasing her, that's when she feels safe enough to relax and reach out to me.

I don't think I could handle it if it were always this way. I hate those reverse psychology games when you have to pretend you don't want somone in order to get them to want you. But I can handle it for a short while, during this time when she's so overwhelmed that the idea of putting energy into her relationship with me must seem so daunting.

I can be the stronger one right now. I have the strength to spare and she doesn't, and it just comes down to that. I believe in the intimacy we've built together, and I will do what I've been saying I would do all along -- continue to be patient and to see this through with her.

I cannot *wait* to see her and Bee again. It wouldn't do me any harm to see Eric either, but it's my lady and her son that I'm thinking of at the moment.

[AnnabelMore]

Really good essay by Franklin Veaux of xeromag.com:
Polyamory, Loss, and the Superhuman Soul

In it, he says "real intimacy lets you see right through a person and down deep into what my partner Shelly calls their "superhero soul," past appearance and past superficial details and into what makes them who they are."

In this I recognize what Gia and I have done together -- what it means to actively build a relationship. Talking and sharing and saying the hard things and telling the past hurts and revealing the unusual desires. Emotional intimacy.

Veaux also describes "a sort of wishful, warm fuzzy sensation" that we get from false intimacy, where we feel close to someone even though we haven't seen deep inside them the way you do with real intimacy.

I wonder if that "wishful, warm fuzzy sensation" is a lot of what I feel with Eric. After all, he hasn't let me into his interior life the way Gia has.

And yet, while he may not have poured out his heart to me, he *has* let me deep into his life in other ways... into his home, his bed, his marriage. Surely most would consider that to be some very intimate sharing. And I know he's not an introspective person in the way that Gia and I are... maybe he just doesn't have as much to say.

Another interesting wrinkle is that while he may not have ever told me his most private thoughts, he's heard plenty of mine just because he's been within earshot when I've been talking to Gia.

It's not a simple situation, to be sure, so I guess it makes sense that I've let myself dwell on it so much!

[Minxxa]

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore

I don't think I could handle it if it were always this way. I hate those reverse psychology games when you have to pretend you don't want somone in order to get them to want you. But I can handle it for a short while, during this time when she's so overwhelmed that the idea of putting energy into her relationship with me must seem so daunting.

I don't really see this as one of those "games" people play-- like playing hard to get so that the person will chase you. What I see is that you are recognizing that Gia needs space, and even though you would prefer to see her all of the time, you are respecting that need and giving her the time she needs. Because you are doing this for her, she is getting to have space and is feeling appreciative and closer to you and freer to contact you.

This isn't a manipulative game-- it's being a good partner.

[AnnabelMore]

Originally Posted by Minxxa

I don't really see this as one of those "games" people play-- like playing hard to get so that the person will chase you. What I see is that you are recognizing that Gia needs space, and even though you would prefer to see her all of the time, you are respecting that need and giving her the time she needs. Because you are doing this for her, she is getting to have space and is feeling appreciative and closer to you and freer to contact you.

This isn't a manipulative game-- it's being a good partner.

Thanks, Minx. I want to be a good partner but I'm also afraid of rejection, so I often find myself wondering about these things... like, am I refraining from mentioning my feelings for Eric because I'm respecting his statement that he doesn't want a relationship OR because I'm a coward... or, third and more machiavellian option, in order to make him feel comfortable enough to get closer to me so that eventually we CAN have a relationship? A combination of all three, I think.

As long as I'm operating most from motives I feel comfortable with, or at least as long as I'm fairly evenly balanced between motives, I feel like I'm ok. But like the band Scissor Sisters says, "You've got to question your intentions cuz the bad ones kill."

[AnnabelMore]

Something that SourGirl posted on another thread --
"Nothing worthwhile ever came forced."

I like it... very helpful for me to remember right now.

[AnnabelMore]

It feels like it's been so long since I've posted, and it's actually been less than a week! Ah, perspective.

Davis and I have been very close recently. I think if we were monogamous, I might be having a much harder time with this relationship. I know that his intentions are serious... he's not pushing for it, but I know that some day he hopes for marriage, maybe kids... so, if we were monogamous, I think I'd be freaking out... asking myself, can I really be with just this guy forever, does he really fulfill all my needs?? Is he really "the one"??? But with poly I can relax a little because if there's a need of mine he doesn't fill I can hypothetically get it filled elsewhere, and I could, in theory, have more than one "the one"s at some point.

So, I can just enjoy my time with him and be chill and see where things go.

Thanks, poly!