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  #801  
Old 06-07-2013, 03:05 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
I appreciate the cast list, although I wasn't having trouble following the show

Just wanted to say--as a fiction writer and teacher, I am really impressed by your character descriptions in this list! Quirky & original physical traits paired with quirky & original personality traits...you bring these people to life in two short phrases. Like a good author should! I could use something like this as an example in my creative writing classes. Good job!

And thanks for this blog. I admire how you're living your life and the success you're having.
Thank you thank you thank you! That's awesome to hear. I always wanted to write fiction, but I've always been crap at it. Creative non-fiction, though, that I can do.

You're welcome to change the names and some of the details and use this as an example if you'd like. Hee, I feel like the teacher gave me a gold star. ^_^

I actually worked and re-worked the descriptions above, because I was trying really hard to find a balance between "relevant and interesting" and "wouldn't necessarily make it immediately obvious who I was talking about to someone who casually knows a few of us and who stumbled on the blog and was skimming", the latter being my current extremely low standard for anonymity. And yeah, I tried to pair a physical trait and a personality trait for everyone except for Clay, whose physical traits I've already described in some detail because he's just so pretttyyyyyy, I can't help it. XD

Also, d'aw, thanks for the comment about the blog in general. Yay! Things are, in fact, kind of shamefully good right now.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #802  
Old 06-12-2013, 03:55 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Clay and I have been involved for just about three months. This weekend, we stopped using barriers.

I could go on and on about my thinking. I outlined some of it here just now. It's a decision that really would have surprised the me of four months ago. I had to unlearn a lot of ingrained assumptions about what "high risk" and "low risk" mean, and overcome my plain old discomfort at Izzy's job. But in the end, I'm proud of coming to where I have about it. I feel like it was a truly rational and informed decision.

I had talked to Gia and Davis about the fact that I might be making this decision. Gia was fine with it. Davis stated very calmly and clearly that we would need to go back to using condoms if I stopped using them with Clay, but said that he wouldn't be mad.

I did a final check-in with Gia ("you sure you're ok?") before going ahead. I didn't do the same with Davis. I knew it would be an un-fun conversation, and I knew it wouldn't change anything, as I'd already made up my mind. I had the nagging feeling that I SHOULD talk with him more first, but I didn't feel obligated to, and in the end I didn't. I told him the day after instead. We ended up having a long phone conversation.

He was hurt. Said that he thought that he might not be able to be intimate with me at all now. Felt that I'd chosen Clay over him. Felt like I'd made a dangerous, foolish choice. Felt that I was throwing away any chance we might still have had at building a family together. I had to stop him at that and explain that if he was still basing his choices around that hope, then he needed to seriously reevaluate. Maybe it really would be better for us just to NOT be together at all, if that's really still what it's about for him, I said. I hatehatehate the idea of losing him in my life -- but in the end, his ability to lead a happy, fulfilling life matters much more than that, and there's every possibility that my presence in his life is hurting rather than helping. I told him that we need to strongly consider it.

Then it came out that we were having the conversation AFTER I'd already gone through with unprotected sex with Clay rather than before. And then he was livid. Hung up on me and called me back. He pointed out that I said I'd tell him before making any changes on this front. I was slow to accept that this was true, but in the end I had to admit that it was, I finally remembered it -- I HAD said that, and I didn't do it. I was shocked at myself, mortified at forgetting this commitment. He was seething. He said he needed to take some space, and that he'd check in with me at the end of the week. I contacted him very shortly afterwards via text, just to make sure he was ok -- he said he was -- and we haven't spoken since. It's just been a day and a half, but it feels like forever.

I don't know if I actually did just forget, or if I subconsciously chose to do things this way in order to push him away. Either way, it's pretty shitty.

I talked to both Gia and Clay about it. Gia was blase, she said that everyone makes mistakes, that I'd done everything that was required to be a decent person and had just messed up on an extra layer of courtesy. I was scared of telling Clay, scared he'd think less of me, since I know that courtesy to other partners is a big deal to him, but he took the same stance. His perspective was that Davis was really upset about other things, and I couldn't deny that that was the case.

I felt better after talking to them, but they're my partners, of course they're going to support me. Objectively, I fucked up and really hurt someone who loves (loved?) and trusts (trusted?) me. The intimate connection between Davis and I changed the moment I decided to forgo barriers with Clay. I knew that, and was prepared for it, but I don't know if we can ever even have the same sort of friendship now. And despite the fact that I think that might be for the best, I wish it weren't for this reason.

Most of all, when I think about he and I potentially stepping out of each other's lives, I get so scared at the thought of not knowing how he is. With all his ups and downs, who will help him stabilize? What if he goes into a dark place and there's no one to help him and I don't even know he's there? It's very painful to type these things. Then there's the thought that maybe he'll be much better off than he ever was before without me. Obviously that would be much preferable, and yet... it would still be strange. It would suck so hard to think that I've just been holding him down all these years.

Ugh.

There are other things I could write about -- Gia and I had a lovely date that actually involved dyad sex, for instance, everything about it was great. Clay and I continue to be smitten. But it all feels kind of frivolous right now.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 06-12-2013 at 04:22 AM.
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  #803  
Old 06-12-2013, 08:27 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
He was hurt. Said that he thought that he might not be able to be intimate with me at all now. Felt that I'd chosen Clay over him.
And in a way, that is what it is, and that is what is so painful. I was / am in Davis' position. My bf C., to me, doesn't seem to acknowledge that it IS a big deal, and very hurtful, to realize that he chooses to have this intimacy with his new gf and not with me, his partner of 18 months.
(it doesn't help that he cannot use condoms, so no PIV sex for us at all). Anyway, I just wanted to say that it would have made a big difference to me if C had told me that he misses that intimacy with me too, and if he had worked with me to find ways to bring another kind of intimacy back into our (sex) lives. As it is, I feel very alone with this feeling.

Davis could be upset about other things, as you say, but it is THIS thing that triggers it and symbolizes it.

Of course, it does all depend on wether or not you want to be in a relationship with Davis and what that relationship should look like. Foregoing barriers with Clay might be the thing to propel the relationship in a whole different direction - which could be one of the reasons why you did it and not told him.
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #804  
Old 06-12-2013, 03:14 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I'm sorry to hear about your situation, Cleo. Going from having PIV to not having it in a relationship would be really rough. May I ask why C can't use condoms? Maybe you guys could try female condoms?

I had been thinking that Davis and I could just go back to condom use, which was our standard until a few months ago when I got the IUD put in. Didn't seem like a huge game changer to me. But then, I know that being able to be barrier-free for PIV is generally a bigger deal for men then for women.

From my perspective, I did and I didn't choose Clay over Davis. From what Davis had told me, I knew that upping my intimacy with Clay in this way would mean losing that with Davis. I chose to do it anyway. But Davis's reaction is HIS choice, so... who's more "responsible" for the change in the end, the person whose choice kicks off the chain of events or the person who makes the final decision at the end of the chain? I guess it depends on whether you see the second person's choice as a free one. I know that Davis didn't see it that way, he felt like he had no choice at all.

Philosophical questions aside, I know that if I had really still been putting Davis in the "partner" box in my head, I would have handled this quite differently. I would have sat down and talked with him about it in more depth, really tried to work it out, taken more time to explore what the consequences to our relationship would be. Even if the result had been the same, the process would have been different.

I've been stressed lately, right on the edge of burnout, rehearsing non-stop, adjusting to the new balance in my interpersonal life, freaking out over things at work. Would I have handled this differently if I wasn't running on empty in some ways? Or was this mostly about NRE with Clay... certainly I've heard stories of people making rash decisions that they don't discuss or discuss too little with their other partners under its influence. Or was it really a wake-up call, subconsciously intentional or not, about how I view Davis?

I really don't know. It's strange not to understand my own motivations. :/
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #805  
Old 06-12-2013, 03:22 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I'm sorry to hear about your situation, Cleo. Going from having PIV to not having it in a relationship would be really rough. May I ask why C can't use condoms? Maybe you guys could try female condoms?

:/
He has occasional ED, which becomes ever present when there's a condom in sight. I think female condoms would also be too big a pressure.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
From my perspective, I did and I didn't choose Clay over Davis. From what Davis had told me, I knew that upping my intimacy with Clay in this way would mean losing that with Davis. I chose to do it anyway. But Davis's reaction is HIS choice, so... who's more "responsible" for the change in the end, the person whose choice kicks off the chain of events or the person who makes the final decision at the end of the chain? I guess it depends on whether you see the second person's choice as a free one. I know that Davis didn't see it that way, he felt like he had no choice at all.

:/
This is very interesting and something I've been thinking a lot about the last couple of days. It's true my BF made a decision, but I am also making a decision in hanging on to the hurt over his decision.
I know that for C, it was a big thing that he wanted to be free, and to feel free. For him, staying fluid bonded with me (which would have meant no PIV sex with his new GF) felt like a restriction I was placing upon him.
Ugh, it all gets so complicated! And yes, when you already have lots of other things, and stress, and work, and stuff, not to mention other relationships, it can get difficult to keep a clear mind.

Try not to think too much, is my only advice (not that I can follow it for myself) and spend some time with just you, to reconnect with yourself.
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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  #806  
Old 06-12-2013, 03:39 PM
SLODurga SLODurga is offline
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Default Story of a Secondary

My dear, I hope your people appreciate you! It sounds like they are very lucky to have your love and support.
Having a new baby changes EVERYTHING...don't be naive about that.
Take it easy. Find things that give YOU joy. Take good care of yourself. Keep YOUR plate full and then you will not feel shut out.
This will not be an easy road and expect the nuclear family to need to bond with the baby. Things will ease up after a while and get back on track.

As far as expressing love...men sometimes fear that expression...they (some) want simple things...no drama, it scares them. Express it any way.

There is love and there is fear. I vote for love.

Best Wishes.
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  #807  
Old 06-14-2013, 05:02 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Davis called me today while I was at work. I closed my door and took the call. It was a short conversation. He said that he wanted to hang out tomorrow night (we had talked about doing that previously, but then had left it up in the air after our fight). I'm going to go to his place and cut his hair, he's going to cook dinner, and we're going to watch cartoons. He stipulated that I wouldn't be staying the night.

After we hung up, I put my head down on my desk and cried in relief. I've honestly made my peace with the idea that we might not be physically intimate any more. I half think it would be better. I'm just so glad to not be losing him as a friend (at least not yet, anything could still happen, of course). Who else knows me as well as he does? Who else do I know, for an absolute fact, will always be there if I need them? Who else is him? No one.

Gia got a new job! It pays better than her old one, and it's close-ish to my work. We'll be able to get lunch sometimes.

I was feeling a little melancholy about Clay today, like he'd been ignoring me and I didn't know why. Finally, I decided to message him in the evening, just to say hi, but I felt like a bit of a besotted fool for doing so. Then I checked our chat logs from earlier in the week and, well... he'd actually initiated contact the last THREE times we'd chatted! Where was my weird insecurity coming from??

I realized that the thing that was actually making me feel neglected was that, when we saw each other last, he'd asked me to set a time for us to get together next for a particular activity. The next day I emailed him some possible dates (of which there were basically no good ones this month), and he hadn't responded to the email. Scheduling and not being ignored, these things really are important to me.

But... we've already had a conversation about scheduling, I know he works differently than I do when it comes to communication around this topic, and he's been clear that I'm welcome to pester him if need be. Truly no reason for me to be out of sorts about it, none whatsoever. It helped a lot to think all that through. It looks like he and I will see each other the night after next (though just at a party he's running, not for the activity I'd emailed about).
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 06-14-2013 at 02:39 PM.
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  #808  
Old 06-14-2013, 05:06 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
Try not to think too much, is my only advice (not that I can follow it for myself) and spend some time with just you, to reconnect with yourself.
Good advice! I'll have a lot of time to practice it in the first week of July, when I'm going across the country for a friend's wedding and staying a week at a hostel to explore her part of the world. It's going to be so very good to have that time to recharge and reset.
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #809  
Old 06-14-2013, 12:52 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SLODurga View Post
My dear, I hope your people appreciate you! It sounds like they are very lucky to have your love and support.
Having a new baby changes EVERYTHING...don't be naive about that.
Take it easy. Find things that give YOU joy. Take good care of yourself. Keep YOUR plate full and then you will not feel shut out.
This will not be an easy road and expect the nuclear family to need to bond with the baby. Things will ease up after a while and get back on track.

As far as expressing love...men sometimes fear that expression...they (some) want simple things...no drama, it scares them. Express it any way.

There is love and there is fear. I vote for love.

Best Wishes.
Thank you! I feel like I took this advice, and love did, in fact, win the election.
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #810  
Old 06-17-2013, 04:06 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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My hangout night with Davis was low-key and pleasant. It was strange, the way we avoided letting our bodies touch, but otherwise it was very normal. I began to get tired early. When I mentioned it, he suggested that perhaps I should head home. He looked pensive. I asked him what was on his mind.

He took a while to gather his thoughts, then explained, in so many words, that he was still working on figuring out what he wanted us to be to each other. What he was comfortable with. Where he'll go from here.

In many ways, he's been building his life around me for a long time. I'm from the area where we live now but he isn't, he moved to this city to be with me. He even moved to the neighborhood that he lives in now to be closer to me. He said that he's considering moving, maybe far away. He said that he's trying to figure out what would really be best for HIM, and he doesn't know where to start. He said that he doesn't know whether to be mad or sad or indifferent about my handling of my decision regarding barriers with Clay, and still hasn't really dealt with that yet.

I let him talk. I told him that I supported him no matter what.

He said he'd let me know when and if he's up for hanging out next.

When he walked me to the door, I turned to hug him, and he moved away. It felt like I was living in a world that didn't make any sense... a world where Davis wouldn't hug me? At the same time, I felt like I understood, and I didn't take it too much to heart. He's figuring things out for himself. It's going to be an odd, awkward time.

He texted me later to apologize for not hugging me. I told him it was ok. I feel like the process that began months ago when I broke up with him is finally reaching a conclusion, but with him at the driver's wheel rather than me. I feel like maybe that is a better thing for him. To have some control.
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 06-17-2013 at 04:41 AM.
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