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  #51  
Old 04-21-2011, 01:27 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I believe in honesty more than almost anything. But every now and then being a good partner means hiding your feelings. When Gia and I talked about this, which was a conversation that happened online, I was just like "that's totally cool, no worries at all, whatever you need." I won't let her know how sad it makes me, because that would just make her feel bad and wouldn't help anything. There's no accomodation to be made here. So I have to be strong for her and let it go and not whine. I just wish she could see that I'm being strong... maybe then she'd trust me enough to let me be there with her. But if I show her, I'm invalidating the very strength I'm trying to embody. I know I'm being emo about this. I'm glad there's a place where I can let it out. Thanks, polyamory.com
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  #52  
Old 04-21-2011, 01:30 AM
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I was incapable of saying anything during them (the feeling is too intense), but the first time, while the intensity was ebbing, I turned to her and asked: “Have you just had a contraction?”
“Yes. It just finished 3 seconds ago.”
“Well, I had it with you.”
“Oh WOW!”
That sounds so, so amazing.
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  #53  
Old 04-22-2011, 10:28 AM
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How long have the two/three of you been together? In a year or two, she might be sad you weren't there. Do you feel that she wants to nest with Eric and you have less of a role in their life as a result? Have you talked about this co-parenting thing?

I know it does nothing to alleviate this particular sting, but this might not be her only birthing. It might be that one day she will there to hold your hand when you give birth.
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  #54  
Old 04-23-2011, 06:59 AM
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How long have the two/three of you been together? In a year or two, she might be sad you weren't there. Do you feel that she wants to nest with Eric and you have less of a role in their life as a result? Have you talked about this co-parenting thing?
The three of us became casual lovers more than two years ago, and Gia and I have been dating for a year and a half. I do think there's a nesting instinct going on, and that it's part of the mix of things making her want more space.

We haven't talked about the idea of co-parenting. It's a decision that would have to involve Eric too, of course. This is *their* child, one they've been wanting and planning on for a long time. I'll play a role in the child's life, but I don't think my involvement will warrant a title like Mom #2. I can't even articulate whether or not that's something I want. I've never really imagined children of my own, it's a hard thing to think about.

What I want right now is for the two of them to really want me to be there, and for me to get the chance to help them, to bond with the child, and to continue to be a part of their lives. I've expressed as much to Gia and she's down with it. As for what it'll look like? I think that, like the relationship itself, it's going to have to be allowed a certain freedom to evolve organically.

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I know it does nothing to alleviate this particular sting, but this might not be her only birthing. It might be that one day she will there to hold your hand when you give birth.
Chances are good it will be -- if they have a second child they want to adopt. But who knows. And the potential reversal some day is neat to think about.

I haven't gotten a chance yet to bring up the idea of me taking some time off work to babysit in the first several months after the birth, but I'm very curious to see what their reactions will be.
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  #55  
Old 04-23-2011, 07:12 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Annabel,

I can imagine how heartbreaking that must be.

I just wanted to tell you-in case it might help a little.

I didn't want ANYONE with me either.
Maca was with me for all of them-because in spite of all of our other, day to day tribulations, the man just understands exactly what I need when I'm hurting. He can do labor and delivery like a pro.

IF (and it AIN'T happening) I ever had another, I'd be totally ok with it being only him-no midwife, no doctor, nobody but him.

Due to that, in spite of planning to have GG there when the little girl was born-his only child, I couldn't manage it when it came down to the wire and he sat in the next room with my sister waiting until the baby was born.

It wasn't personal against him (or my sister). I just get distracted very easily and when I'm hurting that bad, distraction is NOT a good thing AT ALL. I need to focus on breathing and helping the baby out. It's really important to me to feel TOTALLY safe and secure. Extra bodies-even those of people I trust with my life, are extra and that creates a sense of tension due to my inability to focus, the tension creates a sense of insecurity and unsafeness. Not because THEY are unsafe for me, because I am unsafe for me when there's more than one person there.

On a side note-you said she's decided she doesn't want you there for the birth. Does that mean she doesn't want you in the room or in the building? I ask, because like I said GG and my sister were in the waiting room. So once baby wasw born, they were able to see the baby, hold her, cuddle and bond while I took a shower, got cleaned up and dressed etc...
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  #56  
Old 04-23-2011, 11:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight
I was incapable of saying anything during them (the feeling is too intense), but the first time, while the intensity was ebbing, I turned to her and asked: “Have you just had a contraction?”
“Yes. It just finished 3 seconds ago.”
“Well, I had it with you.”
“Oh WOW!”That sounds so, so amazing.
It SOUNDS amazing? What do you think that it FELT like?!...

(I kept having them with her until they became less insistent and we all went to bed.) I was woken up the next day [I was sleeping on a mattress in the living room where the birth was planned to take place]: "OK! This looks like it!"
The mother asked me if I wanted to share another tobacco-free joint that morning. I turned the offer down...

Otherwise I might have gone down in the history books as the first man to ever give birth!

p.s. BEAUTIFUL birth: one of the most amazing experiences of my life.
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I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
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  #57  
Old 04-24-2011, 12:37 AM
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I was just like "that's totally cool, no worries at all, whatever you need." [...] I just wish she could see that I'm being strong... maybe then she'd trust me enough to let me be there with her.
Annabel, keep this in mind: Gia really doesn´t want anybody not totally necessary there. Hasn´t she told you that - in a way - she´d rather that Eric weren´t there... but that she feels that she... [how to express this?: owes it to him? can´t very well deny him his right to be there?]

We all sometimes do things against our real wishes out of feelings of obligation.

Let me share one more story from my first adventure in home births (aside from being born at home myself): In the preparation group, each couple was encouraged to invite the couple whose child was due after them. [This was so that each couple would get to witness a live home birth, to get used to the process BEFORE they had to deal with it in starring roles.] The couple due just before my friend said: "Good idea in theory, but with our first child it was a big party. This time we´d like a more intimate affair, so sorry..."

The couple 2 births before my friend´s birthing invited her (and me) to theirs.
Both his and her mother were also there and the mother-to-be asked him to send his mother (or both) away. [She didn´t mind her own mother being there, but her mother-in-law´s presence was making her tense.]

He didn´t have the strength of character to tell his mother to go... his wife continued to be tense... and ended up having a caesarian in hospital and a stressed new-born. (The only "failed" home birth in our group.)

Personally, I think that you should be glad that Gia "trusts you enough" to tell you straight that she´d be more relaxed without your presence. It´s not a personal slight to you (see Loving Radiance' most recent post): she´d be more tense the more people who were there whoever they were (including - apparently - Eric).

I'm sorry if I made you jealous with my own experience of attendance at births. (That wasn't my intention.) But I'll tell you this: I have (for 2 different reasons) lost all contact with all 3 children involved - my ex-girlfriend's son, the girl who was born after my contractions, and her elder sister [and with their parents]. The 2 I saw born have recently turned 28. I haven't seen them since they were 8. I would willingly trade all my memories of those 2 home births for the chance to be their friend today.

Be a good friend to Gia and Eric's child and you won't mind so much missing the birth.
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If I can't dance, I want no part in your Revolution.
- Emma Goldman Anarchist and Polyamorous par excellence
The person who says something is impossible should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- old Chinese proverb
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
~ Anais Nin
I'd rather have a broken heart / Than have a heart of stone.
- from "Boundless Love (A Polyamory Song)" by Jimmy Hollis i Dickson
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  #58  
Old 04-25-2011, 04:06 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Be a good friend to Gia and Eric's child and you won't mind so much missing the birth.
This. I can confidently say that there is NO ONE who is more devoted and close to our littlest, than GG. He wasn't there in the moments she was born. He didn't see her body slide from mine.
But, he hasn't missed a day in the almost 4 years since and those days are overwhelmingly more significant and bonding than the day of birth.

She adores him. Not a morning goes by that she doesn't run to his room to wake him up and not a night goes by that she doesn't wait for him to tuck her in and read her a story.

She's a daddy's girl (with Maca) but her bond with GG is just as significant as her bond to her daddy and I daresay, more significant to her than her bond with me!

Don't underestimate the love of a child.

My 11 year old is the same way with GG and he wasn't at that birth either. He's not closer to ANYONE than he is to GG. That's GG's "little buddy" and they're like peas in a pod, not to mention inseparable. The time after the baby is born is SOOOOO much more important.

HUGS!
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  #59  
Old 04-26-2011, 06:11 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I just wanted to tell you-in case it might help a little.
It really does, thank you.

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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
IF (and it AIN'T happening) I ever had another, I'd be totally ok with it being only him-no midwife, no doctor, nobody but him.
Wow!

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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Extra bodies-even those of people I trust with my life, are extra and that creates a sense of tension due to my inability to focus, the tension creates a sense of insecurity and unsafeness.
It sounds like Gia is wired the exact way you are.

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Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
On a side note-you said she's decided she doesn't want you there for the birth. Does that mean she doesn't want you in the room or in the building?
That question hadn't occurred to me. She's having a home birth and I imagine she'll want to wander around the house, so I don't think I could be there. But maybe I could wait at a cafe nearby or something like that and then visit as soon as she's ok with it.

I'll have to talk to her about the possibilities... when I'm feeling up to it. I get so SO scared of anything remotely resembling emotional rejection that I have to work my way up to each conversation about a topic that has serious meaning to me. And there's *so* much to talk about in a poly relationship. It getss tiring sometimes!
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  #60  
Old 04-26-2011, 06:13 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Originally Posted by MrFarFromRight View Post
I'm sorry if I made you jealous with my own experience of attendance at births. (That wasn't my intention.) But I'll tell you this: I have (for 2 different reasons) lost all contact with all 3 children involved - my ex-girlfriend's son, the girl who was born after my contractions, and her elder sister [and with their parents]. The 2 I saw born have recently turned 28. I haven't seen them since they were 8. I would willingly trade all my memories of those 2 home births for the chance to be their friend today.

Be a good friend to Gia and Eric's child and you won't mind so much missing the birth.
It's all good, I like hearing those stories. I'm so sorry that things haven't worked out so well since. And I think you're right, that's a really good way to think about it.
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