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Old 09-24-2014, 06:17 AM
billypi billypi is offline
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Default Into The Deep End

Si I guess I should explain who I am, where I've been, and where I seem to be going.

I'm in my late thirties, and am pretty much the typical straight cis white male. I've been described as more vanilla than a bean and the guy Weird Al was talking about when he wrote the lyric "I'm nerdy in the extreme, whiter than sour cream". I was brought up in a fairly traditional, if somewhat openminded and trusting way. Occasional depressive issues, but I can usually handle them without medication.

My wife and I have been together almost twelve years. Married for eight of them. We separated several months ago. Several reasons why, but one of them was her nymphomania vs my falling sex drive from age and stress. Lots of stress. She eventually gave me an ultimatum to let her get what she wasn't getting from others, demanding an open marriage... and throwing in "And I suppose if you find anyone, you can have them. Like you would." I was raised to believe you do anything to save a marriage, so I said fine, as long as I didn't need to know about it. A while later, we had a fight about something else... and realized things weren't working, and neither of us cared enough to put in the effort to fix things.

Due to cost of living and price of filing divorce, she and our son are still living with me in the house until we can get the divorce paperwork filed. After that, who knows. The wife has... been fairly enthusiastic about finding men to help with her needs since the split. I have successfully resisted the urge to slash their tires or brain them with a baseball bat. Paperwork doesn't matter; we're over. She can do what she wants.

I decided not to try dating again until she moved out; partially to give myself time to recover and partially because of the difficulty in explaining we weren't legally divorced yet. But while chatting with random locals via a chat app, I found myself making friends with this one woman, and after a couple months of talking, she dropped a bomb on me.

"I'm actually kinda bummed you said you weren't into girls in open relationships."
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Old 09-24-2014, 06:37 AM
billypi billypi is offline
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I make a joke about considering it, then spent some time thinking. My experience with polyamorism consisted of two things: Some friends back in college who had declared me 'wired for mono', and the disaster with my estranged wife. So I started thinking... why?

As I said, I was raised openminded. I'm fairly sure I'm straight, but I realize this could very well mean I just haven't met the right guy to make me say "Okay, sure." I began to wonder if the same could apply to being poly. I've never had feelings for more than one person before; does that mean I can't, as my college friends seemed to think, or that I just hadn't met the right combination of girls?

I decided that line of thinking was a bit premature. The thing I had to think about, while some light flirting was going on, wasn't if I thought I could date multiple girls... it was if I thought I could date a married woman. One who was, in retrospect, very close to what I'd consider my idea woman. Smart, geeky, funny, and a surprising list of things in common with me. I slowly came to realize this woman had come to mean something special to me... you know that thing where getting a single text message from them can brighten up your whole day?... yeah, that. I eventually came up with a clumsy metaphor. You see a beautiful sports car. The owner tells you that he's okay with you taking the car for a drive every so often. As long as you remember that the car is his. Are you really going to -not- drive the car just because you can't have it 24/7?

Okay, metaphors aren't perfect. but after months of talking, a week of subtle flirting, and a week of not-so-subtle flirting, we met. There was chemistry. Sparks. She had the most amazing smile and laugh... I felt half my age while I was with her. She felt very much the same way. We met again; things got a bit more physical. Okay, a lot more. And the next day, I realized... I'd barely stopped smiling since the first time we met. Despite all the crap in my life, despite having been in a depressive fit for months... I was happy. And more than that... I felt normal. I very much wanted the relationship to continue, even knowing it meant that I was diving into the deep end of polyculture, where I'd never been before.

And before you know it... I'm meeting the husband and his girlfriend.
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Old 09-24-2014, 07:08 AM
billypi billypi is offline
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I went to dinner full of nerves and second-guessed misgivings. I felt there was a good possiblity I was making a bad move. I've had jealousy issues in the past... given that my marriage ended in part because I hated the thought of anyone else touching my wife, well, I began to worry I was setting myself (and her) up for major heartache. Two months to get to know her personality and a few dates to get to know her physically, and I've come to realize I'm head-over-heels for this woman... on a logical level, I know she's married, but that she's poly and the whole 'loving more than one person' is part of that. But I'm not worried about her... how do I react the first time I see her husband kiss the woman I've fallen for?

Well, that didn't come up. There was dinner and cards and some TV and then returning home as everyone had work the next day. I felt awkward many times during the night... how much of a PDA am I able to show without making things awkward? Can I hold her hand? Nuzzle her cheek? Squeeze her rear? Am I trying too hard to make conversation? I don't know any of these people's in-jokes or references to things they've done in the past...

It felt like what I imagine interracial dating must feel like. Meeting the family of a woman from India, or Kenya, or Japan, where you know none of the customs, where they tend to use a language you don't understand unless they decide to speak English so you can understand.

Anyway, long story short (All together now: "Too late!"), I get home, find out via text that apparently things went great and the husband likes me. So... yeah. I'm still worried that I'm going to wind up doing something to totally mess this all up... but it's been a long time since anybody's made me feel the way she does. Maybe even ever. I know it's probably just the 'shiny' of a new relationship... but I don't think I've ever felt this way about anyone before.

I just worry. Maybe too much. Maybe not enough. And for the first time in my life, I'm not worried about not being worthy of the girl, I'm not worried about ow she feels about me... we've been open and honest about that. What I'm worried about is... what if I screw us up? What if I screw up her and her husband? What if something I don't even know is a thing winds up being a bad thing?

We're going to try to put aside a meeting time just for asking and answering questions. I have tons. I don't know which ones to ask. I don't know if I'll even be poly... I can't see wanting to date anyone else, given how she makes me feel. I think I can handle being a mono end to a poly... well, it's not a V, it's more of a square-edged U with an umlaut... or at least, I hope to god I can, because otherwise this ends in fire and tears.

That dinner was earlier tonight. I haven't been able to sleep, a combination of nerves at wondering if I'm able to do what I say I am, and amazement that even with my awkwardness tonight, she still wants me as part of her life. So I type... and bring you all up to speed on what has become my life's focal point.

In a bad relationship, your partner tries to change you.
In a good relationship, you change yourself for your partner.


I want this to be a good relationship. I've changed bits and pieces of myself, tried to redefine words and phrases that uses to mean very different things. Love. Marriage. etc. But like the song says... I've just never been tested. I like to think that if I was, I would pass. We shall see... I just don't know -when- we will see.
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  #4  
Old 09-24-2014, 01:10 PM
billypi billypi is offline
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... And this shows why I should not try to write short, concise posts after one in the morning when I should be asleep by Midnight. Had a lot on my mind, and it got away from me. Sorry.

Tl;dr version: mono guy falls for poly girl and decides that she's someone special so he's gonna give it a shot. Coming this fall on ABC.
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Old 09-25-2014, 03:53 AM
billypi billypi is offline
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I don't know if I'll be updating this daily or not, since we don't always have time to get together... after tonight, I'll probably only update for major things and/or revelations. Or something.

Anyway. I've been doing a lot of reading, of things here, links from here, things found while googling... I don' thave the link handy, it's on my phone, but what really hit home was something called "Five Things Your Metamour Wants To Tell You." Had to swap pronouns around, but... it really made a lot of sense. Cleared up a lot of things I had been thinking about.

Then, after an afternoon of not feeling well, I had... I dunno, a breakthrough of sorts. I realized some of my definitions were a bit off, and then realized... it wasn't like a one-on-one relationship where you pick someone who fits well with you... part of the reason she likes me is that she thinks I'll get along with the others. That there's kind of a responsibility there, to make sure new relationships fit in and don't mess things up And that means... she thinks I won't mess up. She thinks I'll fit as part of the family.

Well, I don't intend to let her down. I still feel a bit awkward... but everyone seems to like me, and I'm told are looking forward to seeing me again. So... socially, the hard part seems over. I think. Emotionally, I still have... misgivings about myself. Maybe I'm just selling myself short. It's comforting to know that I'm not going to be finding out on my own, or just her and me together... it's a group thing. And I have no idea why it took me so long to grok that.
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Old 09-25-2014, 10:01 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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It doesn't have to be a "group thing" just because they are poly. So, you met your metamour and his gf, and they like you. That is great because now you know you can be comfortable at social situations. But it doesn't mean you are required to be part of the group, and have group dates, etc. You still have every right to manage your own relationship, let it develop and flourish on its own, and have alone time with her. You shouldn't feel obligated to make "everyone" happy.
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Old 09-25-2014, 12:26 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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So, a large part of why you and your wife broke up was unequal sex drive. Calling her a nymphomaniac is a bit insulting. Quite often people will accuse their partners of sex addiction when the partner's sex drive merely exceeds their own. You admit yours was low because of (unspecified) stress.

Now, you're in NRE with new woman. How's your sex drive now? NRE generally makes us lust mightily for the new partner.

OK, just had to get that out of the way.

Meeting your new gf's husband and his gf is nice. But I agree with NYCindie, you're not dating them, you're dating your new gf. Some people like family style poly. Others rarely meet with their metamour. Being polite and cordial is all that is required. Of course, if you really do like husband and his gf, great! You've got new friends. But their input into how things go with you and your new gf is up to the two of you, not to anyone else.

They can request certain things, safer sex for example. Scheduling dates so everyone gets their time in. That's about it. How long have your new gf and her h been practicing poly? I hope for your sake, they are well experienced.
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Old 09-25-2014, 04:07 PM
billypi billypi is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Calling her a nymphomaniac is a bit insulting. Quite often people will accuse their partners of sex addiction when the partner's sex drive merely exceeds their own.
I'll reply with more later, when I'm not on my phone, but I just want to point out: I'm not being insulting. We have an actual psychiatric diagnosis of her as being a nymphomiac. I am not denigrating her sex drive at all. The periods where she could tone it down a bit and I could pick it up a bit were amazing... But stressful on us in different ways.
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Old 09-26-2014, 11:02 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by billypi View Post
In a bad relationship, your partner tries to change you.
In a good relationship, you change yourself for your partner.
I would expand this further - a relationship isn't necessarily good just because "you change yourself for your partner" - if the partner is not growing as well or if the changes you make to yourself are negative or harmful to you.

I think more along the lines of:
In a healthy relationship, partners inspire us and encourage us to become our best selves... and love us through the process.
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Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (5+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic girlfriend and BFF
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My poly blogs here:
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The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #10  
Old 09-27-2014, 01:50 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Quote:
Some people like family style poly.
Magdlyn, I hadn't thought of that phrase before, but you're absolutely right! I'd had inklings of different ideals: of some people being more date-y and separate vs others liking a more all-piled-in-together style (socially, not necessarily sexually) but I hadn't put it into those words. I think I'm fond of a "family style poly" (famipoly? ) with freedom for 'outside the family' connections too (as long as things are equitable on the home front).

billypi, I'm liking your blog so far. You have an easy and clever writing style. Look forward to reading more. Don't worry about cutting a short story long. The depth is often in the details.
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