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  #11  
Old 04-24-2013, 03:32 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
BoringGuy,

This is not helpful at all. It is victim blaming and that is not ok. If the OP triggers you this badly - and this is different in tone and intensity than the rest of your comments - ignore this thread. God knows the stories on this board can sap one's ability to empathize but when you reach that point, it's time to take a break.
I disagree that this is "victim blaming". I'm not "blaming" the OP for the treatment she is receiving. I am pointing out that she is allowing herself to be treated poorly. And it is her own words...

Quote:
If she DOES exist, she seems to view me as a sort of free service provider that takes care of her husband's sexual needs for him so that she doesn't have to.
...that suggest to me that she herself already feels as if she's being treated like a prostitute.

I appreciate that you do not like the way I communicate. I am guessing that if you feel that my post violates the updated forum guidelines, you have already reported it to the moderators. And in the same vein, I have done due diligence by explaining the sentiment and intentions behind why I made that comment.

Thank you for your concern, Opalescent.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 04-24-2013 at 03:35 AM. Reason: like = as if
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  #12  
Old 04-24-2013, 04:21 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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ETA: I thought about this some more. I mentioned "being treated like a prostitute" but I never associated "prostitute" with "victim". I realize that exploitation commonly goes hand-in-hand with "business as usual" in the sex industry, but I am baffled by why someone would automatically assume I'm "victim blaming" just because I compared their relationship to the relationship between a prostitute and a client BASED ON THE PERSON's OWN WORDS. I did use Gala Girl's reference to "needs not being met" as a catalyst for my comment, so perhaps that is really where Opalescent takes issue with my remark?


I do not automatically associate "prostitute = victim". I associate "prostitute = person who gets paid for providing a service". The OP, I repeat, is being treated "like a prostitute" ACCORDING TO HER OWN WORDS, although she does not use the "p" word, and getting "paid" with a story that keeps her coming back for more. If she LIKES that, then more power to her. however, she's on here talking about how much she DOES NOT LIKE IT, and therefore I am trying to get her to see it from a perspective that may help her to make decisions that get different results.

May I gently suggest to anyone who is "triggered" by MY communication style to please put me on your "ignore" list? that would be great. I'm doing everything I can to make sure I am understood and not misunderstood.


ETA2: I'm reporting this and asking the moderators to split these past few posts into a discussion thread. I want to think about it some more and write more but I have to go do other things. Also, I don't want to hijack the OP's thread, but can/will link it to the split thread in case anyone else takes issue with my content. Any fallout can be addressed in the discussion thread.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 04-24-2013 at 04:46 AM. Reason: sugar-coating
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  #13  
Old 04-24-2013, 10:07 AM
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leelee22 leelee22 is offline
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thanks, Opalescent, for sticking up for me, that was nice. I am pretty tough, though. I've had some challenges in my life and I am pretty strong. somebody calling me a prostitute isn't going to hurt me. I've heard it before.
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  #14  
Old 04-24-2013, 10:36 AM
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leelee22 leelee22 is offline
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It's ok, BoringGuy. It was a blunt thing to say but you picked the right person to say it to. I'm not very fragile, and I DO feel like a prostitute in this situation.

(Opalescent -- I know you meant to speak up for the board... and that was nice).

I personally think that there's variety in prostitutes. Some are very much victims, and some are absolutely not. Depends on how they became prostitutes, and whether they had alternatives. I am a self-supporting middle-class woman with a graduate degree. If I let someone turn me into a prostitute (for free) because I'm lonely and horny all the time, I'm not a victim, I'm just an idiot. I have bad relationship skills and no self-esteem. Men can spot my particular combination of flaws a mile away, and they use it to their advantage. I would like to learn how not to be this way. But it's not as easy as someone telling me "you let people treat you like a prostitute, so stop". I don't walk around with a sign on my forehead that reads "easy to take advantage of". It's an incremental thing. I'm easygoing, I like to make people happy, I don't offend easily, it's a cluster of personality traits that get expressed in how I make decisions and respond to other people's behaviour that ultimately result in me getting taken advantage of. It's not like I SET OUT to be treated like a prostitute, or want to be!

For this not to happen, I'd have to constantly act contrary to my own personality. That's hard to sustain, on a consistent basis.

Anyway, whatever, I was not offended by what you wrote. I told my boyfriend I'm done with him. I will try to do better next time.
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  #15  
Old 04-24-2013, 12:44 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Glad to hear you decided to do something about and broke up with the BF.

What are your plans to address the "relationship skills" and the "self esteem" areas? Becoming more "assertive" in negotiating the terms of a relationship so you get a voice in it like you want?

Those things don't have to "go against" your personality any more than learning any other skill does. It's just... learning a skill.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-24-2013 at 07:14 PM.
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  #16  
Old 04-24-2013, 05:01 PM
Janelle Janelle is offline
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Leelee,

Quote:
I'm easygoing, I like to make people happy,
I see so much of myself in that we both are givers we both want to make people happy. I too am divorced and never want to go back to a pattern of horrible communication and unmet needs.

You have to grab the reigns of your life and start to speak up about what you'll take and what you won't. Be prepared, evolving into your new person may rock some boats in your current life. Those people who took your "easy going" nature for granted will think you've "changed". When in fact you are creating boundaries, and setting limits.

Words of advice, speak up in the beginning of any new friendships/relationships. Talk about boundaries early and directly, if the answers are unclear ask for clarification, right down to the littlest things like date nite and sleepovers. I've been there, its not good to be taken advantage of. Take it from me "It Gets Greater Later". GOOD LUCK
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  #17  
Old 04-25-2013, 10:43 AM
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leelee22 leelee22 is offline
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Thank you, Janelle, for the very kind words...

I am recently divorced, from an abusive husband who had a personality disorder that led him to get fired five times in the last two years of our marriage. He also wouldn't let ME work out of the home (didn't want me in "social situations with men" -- this is how he viewed work, lol!).

So in the last 2 years, I divorced him, got a demanding (but great) full-time job in the area I was trained in (I'm a lawyer), repaired all the financial problems caused by his job losses, and found a new home for me and my kids. So I have made ALOT of changes, and I feel really good about them. Figuring out how to have a say in relationships with men will be the last piece of the puzzle. I think it will help if I can learn to choose men more carefully. Controlling types of men tend to seek out women like you and me. I need to learn how to identify those men early on.

I will be rooting for you too, Janelle!!!

Galagirl -- I'm not so sure how I'm going to practice those skills with no-one to practice on. But getting rid of that boyfriend did help. He kept looking at me like I was crazy when I told him it was over. I know he was thinking "but I know you still want me". And he's right. But not on those terms. I can't remember the last time I rejected someone's terms. So I guess that's a step.

Leelee
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  #18  
Old 04-25-2013, 12:54 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'm sorry that you had to endure abuse with your ex-husband. I am so glad you were able to leave that situation and get your life rebuilt! You are stronger than you think!

Could you call the domestic violence office in your town and ask about "healthy relationships class?" Sometimes this is offered as part of recovery. Even though you are not longer in the abusive situation with the husband, learning healthy relationship skills is something you could benefit from so you don't get sucked into another one of those relationships.

Maybe also Google?

You can do this -- take your time. Already you were able to leave the BF and walk away. That's a good thing too.

GL!
Galagirl
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  #19  
Old 04-25-2013, 05:20 PM
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NutBusterX NutBusterX is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by leelee22 View Post
Thank you, Janelle, for the very kind words...

I am recently divorced, from an abusive husband ....
So in the last 2 years, I divorced him, got a demanding (but great) full-time job... repaired all the financial problems ... and found a new home for me and my kids. So I have made ALOT of changes, and I feel really good about them. ...getting rid of that boyfriend did help.... I rejected someone's terms. So I guess that's a step.

Leelee
Leelee.... there are 6 or more examples in the above edited quote of you taking action, standing up for yourself and your kids, and turning a HUGE corner in your life. Do keep up that good work! This thread has become one of my favorites to follow because not only have you absorbed advice and support, you've followed through and kicked ass! You were well on your way to a really good place a couple of years before this thread started and the good news just keeps coming. Abusive men operate much like sharks and seek out prey who are sending invisible signals of distress. Such distress is an irresistible attractant to both breeds. The funny thing about sharks is, when one dies in the water they release an unknown repellent quality, and other sharks completely vacate those waters and travel up to thousands of miles away. I believe abusive jackasses respond in the same way when people finally trigger themselves to make a stand.

I'm not saying kill any men or sharks, but you're building healthy habits of not sticking around to stand for abuse or mistreatment. The first one is the hardest, and you've got two under your belt. Yaaaaay!!
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  #20  
Old 04-25-2013, 07:33 PM
Janelle Janelle is offline
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NutBusterX you took the words right out of my mouth...

I will still say congrats on all your successes thus far. Leaving a spouse or S/O can be dificult and takes much courage. Add to the mix children and financial difficulty and I say you kicked A##. Take credit for all the positive changes you have made. In light of a minor setback you are going in the right direction, and I applaud you.

I have found this is a great, supportive and positive site. There are some good people who will answer your questions and assist you as you navigate your relationships. Best of luck as always!
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