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  #141  
Old 06-27-2013, 06:29 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Personally, I find that taking offense at people's attitudes or opinions is a waste of my energy.

Personally, I find that people and their attitudes are a waste of my opinion.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 06-27-2013 at 06:33 AM. Reason: Got Psyllium?
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  #142  
Old 06-27-2013, 07:17 AM
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Originally Posted by london View Post
Yes but when it comes to stis, their attitudes do affect you.
No. Not if I don't let them.

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Originally Posted by london View Post
For example, their hysteria around stiS based on myths their granny told them can often mean that if you fuck more than they'd like, if you choose to not use barriers for some sexual activities like oral sex or if you have something like herpes, they treat you like dirt.
Someone's hysteria is not my problem. Someone's attempt to treat me "like dirt" wouldn't affect me if I don't allow it. Seriously, why would anyone stick around and put up with it if someone treated them like dirt?

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Originally Posted by london View Post
Lots of people would forbid their partner to have sex with anyone diagnosed with herpes, even with strict condom use with no scientific evidence for doing so.
So what? It is their right to choose whom they want to have sex with, based on whatever criteria they have. Me, I don't have sex with button-nosed men who have had hair transplants. My body, my choice, and if all the button-nosed men with hair transplants in the world take offense at that, I would tell them to move on and get a life. Plenty of fish out there!

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Originally Posted by london View Post
Yes, that level of ignorance does bother me. Particularly if a partner or metamour is the ones displaying it.
Well, see, there is where we differ. I don't fuck people I consider to be ignorant, or who have ignorant partners. I mean, why would I? Oh, I guess that's another category for my list of people I won't fuck, and now all ignorant people will feel offended by my choice not to fuck them, but why should I care?

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Originally Posted by london View Post
If you trust that your partner wouldn't fuck someone without a condom if they hadn't had the sti talk, you're "apathetic" rather than having a healthy amount of trust in your partners concern for your wellbeing
Not quite sure what you're saying here, but I am a very good judge of character, and don't get into situations with people I deem untrustworthy.

Being offended is a choice. People don't offend us - we either take offense or give offense. And that is why I say that being offended by someone's attitude or opinion is a waste of energy. It is an entirely different thing to combat ignorance and educate someone, and I would rather do that out of compassion or empathy, rather than waste my time and energy getting all huffy and offended by somebody's viewpoint. I am made of more substance than that.
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  #143  
Old 06-27-2013, 07:31 AM
london london is offline
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If you can't see why one partner in a polyamorous relationship forbidding another partner from fucking a sizeable amount of the population based on myths and old wives tales, them I cannot help you. You'll have a better understanding if/when one of your partners is diagnosed with herpes and another partner expects you to dump then for being diseased.

The last part of my post was referring to someone already suggesting that I am apathetic about stds, seemingly because I trust that my partner wouldn't put us at unnecessary risk and also wouldn't mind a partner fluid bonding with other people they trust to be vigorous with their sexual health.
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  #144  
Old 06-27-2013, 07:51 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
If you can't see why one partner in a polyamorous relationship forbidding another partner from fucking a sizeable amount of the population based on myths and old wives tales, them I cannot help you. You'll have a better understanding if/when one of your partners is diagnosed with herpes and another partner expects you to dump then for being diseased.
a.) I don't need your help.
b.) I can totally see and understand that the possibility exists where someone would forbid their partner from being with someone, for whatever reason, but... I would not get involved with anyone who has a partner who can exert such control over them. I don't date guys who let their partners have veto power. Nor would I be involved with anyone who thinks they can dictate to me who else I can or cannot date. They want to tell me to dump someone, I dump them. I am my own person.

Besides, the point of my post was about the useless stance of feeling offended about someone's mere OPINION. One might be angry, disappointed, sad, whatever, but I just find that being offended is draining, a waste of time and energy, and does no one any good. Someone says, "Oh I am so offended!" and I say, "Yeah, so?" You choose to feel offended and indignant - that is a total waste. Someone's attitudes or opinions really shouldn't have that kind of power over another.
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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #145  
Old 06-27-2013, 08:35 AM
london london is offline
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It's nothing to do with veto power. Guy is in vee, partner A gets diagnosed with herpes, guy does right thing and tells Partner B. Partner B says she is unwilling to continue relationship with guy if he still sleeps with Partner A because she has diseases. Partner B's ignorance about stis and hysteria means she won't listen to rhyme or reason. Happens often. Guy is left having to end a relationship because of myths and ignorance.

And yes, ignorance offends me greatly.

Last edited by london; 06-27-2013 at 05:32 PM.
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  #146  
Old 06-27-2013, 02:13 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
If my partner was completely opposed to me being fluid bonded with someone I was regularly sleeping with and I could trust to try and maintain my sexual health for no other reason, I'd probably tell them to like it or lump it. I know it's easy to say when you're not in that situation, but I strongly believe that I would.
It's much easier to live by those personal rules when you bring them into the relationship. Many people who find themselves in these conundrums are there specifically because they didn't have those types of guidelines for themselves before hand. Now you're in a position where, before this comes up, you'll presumably have already spoken to your new relationships about the matter, so they'll be clear where you stand at the beginning. That's much different than a couple who's been monogamous moving into a poly situation and exploring the boundaries of that.

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Someone's hysteria is not my problem. Someone's attempt to treat me "like dirt" wouldn't affect me if I don't allow it. Seriously, why would anyone stick around and put up with it if someone treated them like dirt?
Exactly. Many people put far too much stock in the opinions of others. If you're constantly living for the approval and support of others, you'll never be happy with yourself. You need to live to your own standards, and yours alone. As long as you're being true to your own ideals, you'll attract the kinds of people who fit them. The rest can go screw themselves, as far as I'm concerned.

Sure, other people's choices affect your life and opportunities, but they only affect your mood and outlook if you allow them. You can choose to be offended, or you can choose to shake your head and laugh it off. My mother-in-law chose to be offended by everything anyone ever did, and she was miserable for it. I choose to laugh it off when people do silly things, and it gives me a more positive outlook on life and a better sense of self. The choice is yours.
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  #147  
Old 06-27-2013, 06:37 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by london View Post
It's nothing to do with veto power. Guy is in vee, partner A gets diagnosed with herpes, guy does right thing and tells Partner B. Partner B says she is unwilling to continue relationship with guy if he still sleeps with Partner A because she has diseases. Partner B's ignorance about stis and hysteria means she won't listen to rhyme or reason. Happens often. Guy is left having to end a relationship because of myths and ignorance.

And yes, ignorance offends me greatly.
Well I'm not ignorant about STI's, but I can sure see ending a relationship under those circumstances. Guy in this case has the option of telling partner B he wont end it with partner A, and then partner B can go ahead and choose to break up with Guy if its that important to them to not get HSV2.

MY partner B has made it clear if I get HSV2, they will stop any sexual activities with me that could expose them to it. They sure aren't ignorant, they just don't want it, and they dont want to pass it along to their other partners, or be responsible for passing it to their metamours.

That means if somebody I date tests positive, I'm in the position of changing the sexual dynamic with, or breaking up with at least one of my partners. I dont like that, but I think it's a perfectly valid view for my partner B to have and enforce.

Now my husband (partner A) had a very low positive blood test for it a couple of years ago, the first time he ever got tested for it. He's never had a visible outbreak of any sort, and two follow up western blots from the U of W have come up with indeterminate results and no clear yes or no response. I get tested every six months on the chance that he really has it and I get it, I will know as soon as possible and can let Partner B know. Partner B has determined his risk to be very low since Partner A hasn't had an outbreak and has non-clear test results, but again, its his body and he gets to decide where that risk line is for him.

Edit: That means I will not start dating somebody new who has HSV2, because I value the sexual aspects of my relationship with partner B, and don't know that it would keep working if we took that out of the picture. I know that there are lots of awesome people that might rule out, and I if Partner B is out of the picture some day, I won't care because I consider HSV2 to be no big deal, but we all get to choose our risk levels & priorities. I made it clear to partner C early on that if he got it I might choose to break up with him, now that its an established important relationship, that's where things get complicated if anybodies STI status changes.
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Last edited by Anneintherain; 06-27-2013 at 07:12 PM.
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  #148  
Old 06-27-2013, 10:40 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Aha that makes you prejudiced, not ignorant. ETA, and you're still hysterical either way.

Your turn, london. Take your best shot at that. I can hardly wait to see what comes out of you this time.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 06-27-2013 at 10:43 PM.
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  #149  
Old 06-28-2013, 05:29 AM
london london is offline
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Herpes transmission rates using AVRs and condoms is less than 1%. Your issue is nothing to do with science or fact, it's just “ZOMG, diseases". There are fluid bonded couples, one who has a positive status, one with a negative status just by taking the most basic precautions. But i'm one of those hippies who would bang a guy with HIV with a condom and lube so I'd probably ignore the sciencey stuff I go on about and stick to that big book of myths and legends.
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  #150  
Old 06-28-2013, 11:00 AM
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Natja Natja is offline
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London not everyone is in the same situation as you. HSV is very dangerous to contract during pregnancy and so, women who might be pregnant or planning to get pregnant, might not appreciate him taking that risk with other partners.

Doesn't matter how slim, you know sods law says when it is the worst time to contract it, it will happen....I know someone who contracted it and her partner had no outbreaks at all. She wasn't planning on getting pregnant luckily but it does happen.
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