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  #1  
Old 04-21-2013, 12:36 PM
JustUs JustUs is offline
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Default Moving in together

My wife and I are in a V poly relationship, she being the hinge. Her boyfriend and I get along very well and are very comfortable hanging out together even if my wife is not around.
Our relationship is very good and we are very open and honest talking about our wants and needs and over the past couple of years our relationship has gotten even better. We communicate constantly about everything.
We are considering having her boyfriend move in with us, as it is a very long distant relationship...and he is ready to move away from where he is from. My wife and I had already chatted about living arrangements and such, and he would have his own room and we would still have our room.
Any others out there that have had their spouses boyfriend move in with them. Any downfalls? any suggestions.
Personally I believe there are a lot of perks that do go along with him living with us, and how different aspects of life would be much easier.
What has worked and not worked for all you out there?
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Old 04-21-2013, 01:08 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
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I know there can be a multitude of answers. Even with my family there is. My fiancee and I live with my boyfriend and his wife. This however was a plan even before Primal and I started seeing each other. For us it works out really well because we are all really good friends (both Primal and Lamian are going to be part of the bridal party).

On the other hand, Primal could never live with Lamian's boyfriend Darkeyes. There's too much tension between the two of them that it would never work.
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Old 04-21-2013, 01:21 PM
JustUs JustUs is offline
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I don't think my wife and I would have ever discussed having her bf move in with us, if he and I didn't get along the way we do. If he and I weren't comfortable enough with each other that we couldn't hang out together or do things on our own, we wouldn't even consider it.
The whole idea and concept is actually kind of interesting, living together as a poly unit. There seems to be many benefits from it as well. We have had the opportunity to "test the waters" as he lives 3000 miles away and when he does visit, its usually for 2 or 3 weeks at a time...
Previously we would all sleep in the same bed when he would visit. But with this most recent visit, we had set up the guest room for him and found that everyone was actually more comfortable, he had his own space if he wanted time by himself and we all sleep more comfortably. The arrangement would be that my wife and I have our room and he would have a room to himself, if we do make the move to live together.
Would love to hear others arrangements, what worked or didn't and such...
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Old 04-21-2013, 03:00 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustUs View Post
I don't think my wife and I would have ever discussed having her bf move in with us, if he and I didn't get along the way we do. If he and I weren't comfortable enough with each other that we couldn't hang out together or do things on our own, we wouldn't even consider it.
... We have had the opportunity to "test the waters" as he lives 3000 miles away and when he does visit, its usually for 2 or 3 weeks at a time...
...we had set up the guest room for him and found that everyone was actually more comfortable, he had his own space if he wanted time by himself and we all sleep more comfortably. The arrangement would be that my wife and I have our room and he would have a room to himself, if we do make the move to live together.
Would love to hear others arrangements, what worked or didn't and such...
Personally, I ascribe to the position that one shouldn't move in with their lover for at least a year of LOCAL dating. Visiting a few times for a couple weeks isn't really a test of whether living together permanently is really viable.

How long has your wife been seeing this guy? How did they meet?

If he's ready to move, if it was me and/or my gf bringing in one of our bfs, making a long distance relationship "short distance," I'd prefer he got a small apartment (or room in one) for a year or so, nearby. Long distance relationships can extend NRE. Everyone might be on their best behavior and full of idealism still.

You all might be the exception to this rule, but why take the chance?
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Old 04-21-2013, 04:11 PM
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clairegoad clairegoad is offline
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I have experience of this type of situation which ended badly.

I was living by myself, and the married couple I was dating moved in. Long story short, she moved out after a year (she didn't like the rural setting). and he's been lingering for almost a year.

The physical relationship has been over (with all three of us) for the past year.

My advice:

Have regular house meetings... this keeps communication open about the basics.. household chores, status of bill payment, schedules. We were having regular meetings but....

We celebrated accomplishments (got the back porch cleaned!!) and reviewed plans (Convention this month...need to cut grocery costs by $20 to help pay for the room...

Some of my best memories are from those meetings where we were giving praise, and goals for the next week.
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Old 04-21-2013, 05:15 PM
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Your question directly relates to our situation back then. My boyfriend moved in with us right at the start of our V relationship, because he was long distance as well and we couldn't manage too many visits back and forth. I have a blog (see signature), feel free to read about our start. We still live together (2nd year now) and we never encountered real problems concerning the living arrangement.

We started with a 'trial visit' and tested the waters. Everything worked fine and we moved him in. As you said, this wouldn't have been possible, if my two men didn't get along as well as they actually do. If you are sure, that you want to try, go for it We can't judge your personalities and the odds like you are able to. Be prepared for some intense weeks emotion-wise and keep on talking about everything that comes to mind. It will help.
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Old 04-21-2013, 11:50 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Like Phy - my boyfriend moved in with us right at the start of our Vee relationship and it has worked out fine. However, in our case MrS (my husband) and Dude (my boyfriend) were already best friends before the Vee formed and Dude was already here 3-4 days out of the week for 6 months or so.

We all sleep in the same bed (unless one of the boys opts for the couch) but if we had the room I think each person having a sleeping/personal space of their own would be ideal (especially if they are going to be dating outside of the Vee - which hasn't happened for us yet but could in the future.)

I think, though, that you don't really know what it is like to live with a given other person until you actually do it. Should probably have a back-up or transition plan in case it doesn't go smoothly.

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Old 04-22-2013, 10:35 PM
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Its been four years since my bf moved in. My blog describes the whole process. As do many threads tagged "moving in." Frankly I think he should move closer first and see how it goes. That seems to work best as a first step. Its a massive amount of unforeseen change.
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Old 04-29-2013, 06:40 PM
JustUs JustUs is offline
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Thanks for all the great replies. Very obvious everyone has different experiences with all 3 living together and opinions to why or why not.
We have known him for about 8 years. He and my wife have been in a relationship for about 4 years, and be it long distance, visits ranged for 2 weeks to a month with each visit.
We are taking it slow, all talking about the possibility of living together, the up-sides, the down-sides, and everything that comes along with multiple people in multiple relationships.
Red Pepper, we've been reading your's and Mono thread on here, which I think is primarily written by Mono, along with yours and others input, and was somewhat surprised by your response, not in a bad way, just in a way that I would not have expected. It sound like your situation has turned out great, but I am sure without there own trials and tribulations, but do have to say reading it has been inspiring, see how things have gone over the past several years.
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Old 04-30-2013, 03:41 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustUs View Post
Red Pepper, we've been reading your's and Mono thread on here, which I think is primarily written by Mono, along with yours and others input, and was somewhat surprised by your response, not in a bad way, just in a way that I would not have expected. It sound like your situation has turned out great, but I am sure without there own trials and tribulations, but do have to say reading it has been inspiring, see how things have gone over the past several years.
Lol, maybe you didn't read back far enough? It sounds like slow is what you are doing though and as a result I suspect your success rate will be better. Good luck.
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