Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 12-22-2010, 05:12 PM
felid felid is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by pixie View Post
The reason I compared to my open relationship, was that it sounds like you only have a problem with her because she was someone he 'cheated' on you with - was it 'cheating' within the agreements of your relationship with him? Have you been jealous of other women he has been with?

My point being - is the problem you have with him and other women full stop, or with her specifically - either because of a personality clash between you and her, or because of how her relationship with your boyfriend began.
You're right pixie, my biggest issue is that he cheated on me with her.

As many of you have said, suggested, etc., we do have a few rules set in place for our relationship. i have told him several times (and in writing) that i NEED to know that he's going to have sex with someone else. Its a very very personal act for me. In our relationship, not telling me before the act constitutes as cheating.

Especially as frogprincess21ca said, it was our special weekend. We never get to spend lot of time alone together so that weekend was extremely exciting for me. Afterwards i was completely depressed because of the betrayal, the bugs, the migraine, and the emotional pain.

We did talk about it, a lot, but my feelings never really changed. I still feel hurt that he would want this woman who he hurt me with so badly to still be in our lives.

I also kept a journal of my feeelings and emotions, which he was allowed to read. Unfortunately, school and work got so busy that i was unable to continue. So yes, LOTS of communication.

My problem is with her specifically. I feel like if she was worth it to cheat on me with, then she may be worth it to leave me over. (yes, i know he's poly, but they still pick and choose partners!)

I know i have some insecuirty issues, but not every other relationship has brought this up in me.

I was fine when he was dating K and N at the same time as me. K found that she needed a person with more time, and N tried to turn him mono (obviously didn't work!).

N was my best friend (like talk every day, and if you dont hear from eachother at least once every 2 days, something terrible has happened) and since then she hasn't talked to me for months even though i've tried to talk to her. This is giving me abandonment anxiety, especially around the holidays, when i'm basicly alone.

He then stated seeing D. I liked her because we had alot in common but once again, the same thing. He didn't tell me before he fucked her, and he did it on a special night. (Friday nights here, are like little events at a local club, specializing in kink and such)

Going with someone else tht night, when i was all ready to go, changed and everything, and then fucking her, without telling me.... yeah, thats cheating too.

I wasn't very insecure about them (even though D was more well off, and about 60lb lighter than me) because her and i were friends beforehand, and had alot in common.

anyway..... not feeling much better about this. Looks like im going to be alone for the holidays this year, which definitly doesn't help.

oh, btw, i'm definitly in love with him, and want to be with him, but he has troubles expressing emotion, but people say that when we're together he looks in love... shrug... i dunno, i dont see him when im not there.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 12-23-2010, 01:25 AM
rosephase rosephase is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 26
Default

Um... you love him I understand that but he isn't even coming close to treating you well. You tell him he needs to tell you BEFORE he has sex with someone new and he hasn't done it... twice.

Being poly isn't just about one partner dealing with whatever the other partner wants to do. If he isn't willing to do this within your comfort zones then it isn't a healthy relationship.

You need to sit down with him (not just let him read about your feelings) and talk about what the rules are. You need things to feel safe in this relationship (you might not always need them but you need them now and that is enough)

If you have already made the things you need very clear to him (try writing out a list and putting up somewhere in both of your places) and he is still fucking up on this level... I think you need to rethink this relationship because this won't stop happening.

Rules are bad. They aren't anti-poly. If he isn't willing to at least try to stick to rules that you need to help you feel safe then he isn't worth being with.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:37 AM.