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  #21  
Old 04-21-2013, 01:11 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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So how do you deal with something like this in a poly situation where communication is so important?
Other than just not date a poly newbie like this? Who assumes things? Has no plan? Doesn't think things out? Assumes negative intent and gets mad when I ask for clarify?

SLOW IT WAY DOWN.

I let it unfold as it will. With me or with others he dates so I can see how that operates on the communication front. For me? Sex share is slow too.

THEN I ASK and REFLECT BACK when I think things are missing in the conversation.

"When you say ____, do you mean ____?"

"I am not hearing you actually asking me anything or making a request. Am I just a listening ear here? What's your expectation of me?"
I CALL HIM ON HIS CONDUCT.
"You face is _____ and your tone is _____. You seem mad at me when I ask for more information so I can understand where you are coming from. Are you mad?"
And take I TAKE NOTE.

If he's always doing this and not learning to communicate more assertively to make his needs known?

I would walk away because for my own personal standard? I value things like "responsiveness" and I value "forthright" and I value "not having to mind reader people." I don't want to be doing all the emotional work and heavy lifting in the relationship. I don't want to date emotional weenies. It's tiresome.

There's being patient on the "just started dating" learning curve and having to learn the new person. Taking the measure of the dating partner.

But when they show me who they are? And they don't meet my standard? I believe it. I break up. Be friends or be not friends... that remains to be seen. But def be not dating a person who is this much work and not naturally compatible with my own personality/style. Not worth it to me.

I don't know if that POV helps you any.

GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-21-2013 at 01:38 AM.
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  #22  
Old 04-21-2013, 01:37 AM
Elorahd Elorahd is offline
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O.M.G., I. LOVE. YOU! This is exactly how I am comfortable operating. That whole, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them" thing? Yep. Right there.
Since this is so new to both of us I feel like giving it time to work out some wrinkles. He definitely seems like someone who will put in the work to modify his behavior or style of doing things so that the relationship has the best possible chance. So far, I trust him to put the work in. But he is an engineer and has a tendency to do things slowly and methodically. I guess I'll just have to see if I have the patience for that or not.

You know, I'm really enjoying this community. We hold so many of the same values when it comes to being responsible in a relationship. Communication is so key and it's so hard to find people who will do that. They think it's just supposed to work itself out, if its meant to be. I don't believe in fate or "meant to be". I believe in hard work, honesty, and communication, respect.

This has been cathartic for me so far. Thank you all so much for your input. It is truly appreciated.
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  #23  
Old 04-21-2013, 01:49 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am confused. This bit...

Quote:
He definitely seems like someone who will put in the work to modify his behavior or style of doing things so that the relationship has the best possible chance. So far, I trust him to put the work in.
does not seem to jive with this from your other thread.

Quote:
But this is a guy whom I could see breaking a rule to passively-aggressively make me break up with him. And I'm not having that shit.
A guy who will break rules to foment a break up scene is NOT doing the work to modify his behavior so the rship has the best possible chance.

You do not sound solid on trust building with him here yet.

Could talk about how you like to be broken up with if it has to come to that for whatever reason.

Could tell him your expectation of

"I expect my dating partner will will put in the work to modify his behavior or style of doing things so that the relationship has the best possible chance."
and ask if he agrees to uphold that agreement or not before agreeing to further relationship.

Proceed with caution if you decide to polydate with this dude. Shoot, even you choosing to mono-date with this dude I'd suggest proceeding with caution.

It is good you value communication, but could lay it out there crystal clear... Your standard for "I expect to be treated like THIS in a dating relationship. Can you agree to treat me this way or not?" Even if when you ask "How do you want me to treat YOU?" is currently out to jury because he's not thought things out for himself. Do GET that information from him when he's done thinking but in the meanwhile get your OWN things out there.

Do not assume he knows what these things are to you: hard work, honesty, and communication, respect. Define them. HOW your dating partner would demonstrate these things to you? Esp since he sounds so... newbie at best? Your 100% is still only 50% of the fuel for the relationship between you and him for it to fly right.

He sounds wishy washy to me but I'll give benefit of the doubt, assume positive intent and just say "newbie" instead. What I perceive in reading could be wrong. Just proceed with caution here since you seem to have some stuff in there that could be sorted out first. Could both talk and sort it.

You actually live your reality -- you'd know best what you have at hand here.

Could calibrate here with him before trying to build a deeper dating relationship so you are on the same page going in with what you expect of each other.

You seem like you are trying to get a handle on that.

GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-21-2013 at 02:02 AM.
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  #24  
Old 04-21-2013, 02:05 AM
Elorahd Elorahd is offline
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No, you're absolutely right. He and I would definitely have to have a discussion about there being absolutely NO passive-aggression. I'm feeling a little more relaxed about the situation after I talked to him this afternoon and told him i wasn't even going to consider this until he was more educated about it. I'm very good at laying down my boundaries. And he absolutely is a NEWBIE. It sounds like a lot of you guys have been doing this for a long time. Do you remember what it was like when you first started and had no idea what you were doing? How did you navigate those waters? What were the things that were most important to YOU?
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  #25  
Old 04-21-2013, 06:34 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I am sad to say-my navigation at the beginning was a nightmare.

However-the key detail that was most important to me was complete honesty (being totally opaque) because prior-I had lied about things to "keep from hurting" lovers.

That one detail led to so many new changes in myself-and those led to changes in our relationships and family.

The second most important thing for me was making educated, safer decisions regarding sex practices. I researched STI's, risks, tests ets. Both of my partners were horrified to learn that when you go to the Dr and ask them for the full spectrum of STI testing-they still only test for 3 sti's in our state. They will ONLY test for the others if you request them by name. So here are all these people in open relationships or who are lying and having affairs-and they think they have a clean bill of health-never knowing that they were never tested for herpes, aids, hepatitis, syphillus....

Finally-related to being opaque, I need to know that all of my partners are in agreement, that before we add a new partner-we introduce them to each other. Not because we must be friends etc. But-the only way to ensure that everyone is being treated with honesty that this is a poly dynamic-is for them to have met.
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  #26  
Old 04-21-2013, 07:17 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Opaque means you can't see through it at all. Transparent means you can see through it. #thesaurusisyourfriend #antonyms-schmantonyms

Last edited by BoringGuy; 04-21-2013 at 07:25 AM.
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  #27  
Old 04-22-2013, 03:05 AM
Elorahd Elorahd is offline
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This is all very good advice and I plan on implementing every piece....in appropriate time, of course. Thank you.
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  #28  
Old 04-22-2013, 03:43 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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BG-Yes-you are right. But, sunshine and vacation= me not paying attention to details enough.
And-I meant transparent (OP, feel free to replace opaque with transparent wherever I wrote )
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  #29  
Old 04-22-2013, 08:31 PM
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NutBusterX NutBusterX is offline
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a transparent object is one that lets light pass through with no shadows formed eg. clear window , transparent glass

a translucent object lets only some light go through (not all)and forms a shadow that is very light eg. bathroom window


an opaque object lets no light pass through and forms a shadow eg. table, chair,etc

- source: wiki-answers.com


Having read other posts and threads regarding definitions (i.e., jealousy vs envy, lying vs omission, etc) I looked up the comparison of opacity vs transparency vs translucency. I am of the thought camp who believe in common definitions amongst the group. Call me a word geek if you like. My brain wanted validation and i thought i might save some others the "googling" trip.
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  #30  
Old 04-22-2013, 09:36 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NutBusterX View Post
a transparent object is one that lets light pass through with no shadows formed eg. clear window , transparent glass

a translucent object lets only some light go through (not all)and forms a shadow that is very light eg. bathroom window


an opaque object lets no light pass through and forms a shadow eg. table, chair,etc

- source: wiki-answers.com


Having read other posts and threads regarding definitions (i.e., jealousy vs envy, lying vs omission, etc) I looked up the comparison of opacity vs transparency vs translucency. I am of the thought camp who believe in common definitions amongst the group. Call me a word geek if you like. My brain wanted validation and i thought i might save some others the "googling" trip.


Thank you, i appreciate the effort you made to bring it here for everyone's benefit. It seems people are more concerned (if they are indeed concerned at all) with definitions of recently-invented words or words adopted into slang forms that are specific to polyamory (compersion, triad, unicorn, polythisthattheotherwhatever), but it is also important to know the definitions and proper usage of established vocabulary words. The definitions i gave above, while perhaps not phrased in a scientifically correct manner, did effectively communicate the mistake LR made when it came to the usage of the word "opaque".
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