anger at self need advice

[frogprincess21ca]

ok,

firstly thank you so much for the responses.

patricks sexual problems started happening 3 years ago. they coincide with his depression/weight gain. sex prior to that was sex( it was good ). so no it isn't something that came up when D(my soul mate) came back into my life.

@redpepper - thank you for pointing out that there is more to a relationship and relationships don't have to involve sex.

Patrick is great. he is good with anything. he finds happiness in my happiness. i just miss the happiness in expressing my love to him. its something i used to enjoy and now it turns me off. the loss hurts me. i have given him leeway to look elsewhere but at this time in his life it probably will be pretty impossible.

everything is changing in my life and it is kinda overwhelming. i just got unengaged and that hurt but i understand it a little. D moved in with us(we desperately needed a roommate and he desperately needed a place. D and Patrick are becoming good friends...but are having problems learning to. communicate. but like i said both are really really amazing guys.

Patrick is going through a rough patch himself due to personal issues as well as financial due to being back in school. but having d live with us has solved the financial issues. i digress though

i still feel terrible about not physically wanting Patrick. This is something that started out with me disliking kissing about 3 years ago till now which it is full fledged feeling of wrongness when i do it. (kiss or try to be intimate) i don't think there is a way to teach myself to desire my man again ( i wish i could)(he is happy with whatever) i love him, and i am in the start of rebuilding the relationship with D. but i love D as well.

the really hard thing though is with our current families. my family absolutely hates D. They wont support my relationship and want children from Patrick and me. I don't know how to explain to them that this probably wont be happening and i wont' be getting married to him. the situation is all around complicated. i know it is worth it just so many changes in such a short time.

i still feel guilty about Patrick though. i wish that i could want him that way again. maybe it isn't something that is permanent. but i am just kinda lost with the sadness i feel. both my partners are happy.

anyway all my best wishes to people. if people want to talk on a more personal level i have the Facebook thing.

tanya

[TheBlackSwede]

So 3 years ago, Patrick started having ED problems, depression, and weight-gain (how much are we talking? 10 lbs? 100?), while at the exact same time, you suddenly found yourself disliking any intimacy with him at all...

What happened first? The dislike of intimacy or the problem? Does your dislike of that intimacy stem from the problem?

I seriously hope he's seeking treatment for this, it sounds to me like it could be a major thyroid problem or worse. Seriously, if he hasn't spoken with a doctor (and a good one at that) about this, he needs to do so immediately. It sounds to me like he's got a major hormonal imbalance and that is causing other problems like the weight gain and depression. ED can be caused by a LOT of different issues, and most of them are quite serious.

[frogprincess21ca]

as to patrick's erectile problems he has gone to the doctor. he was tested for thyroid and he doesn't have the numbers to be diagnosed. in the last year he gained 100 pounds. they have run tests and he is healthy in all the emergency kind of things.

as to the intimacy no it doesn't stem from his weight gain. i never have liked kissing him. i however love cuddling and sleeping together.


@flamekat i want to thank you for pointing out that maybe a new definition of a relationship with Patrick might be needed. i agree.

i am just having problems wrapping my head around it. my past belief was that people you love and want to marry should have some physical connection. i say past because the fates are teaching me a new lesson. i just wish i could be better for him. to me i think he deserves so much more. but i love him and don't want to loose him. its a good thing that i don't mind him being with others. but i dont' think that this might be possible with his body being the way it is .

[TheBlackSwede]

Not to turn this into a thread about Patrick, but it sounds to me like he's having major health problems that are not being properly addressed. A 27 year old man with ED who has gained 100 lbs in the past YEAR is far from undiagnosable, regardless of numbers. I've had friends with not totally dissimilar health problems related to endocrine dysfunction who were able to finally get help from an ACAM physician. If he hasn't had a second opinion, or even if he has, I recommend looking on their website to find a doctor near you who may have a different outlook on things. I myself began suffering from some adrenal fatigue and other problems which were solved by Dr. Mora in the Sacramento area. Don't accept "there's nothing we can do" as an answer for problems like this. /tangent.

Interesting that intimacy has been distasteful for a long time. Agreed that there may need to be some redefining of relationships - I hope that's something he can handle, but from the sound of things, he's a very kind and understanding person. Best of luck to the three of you.

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by frogprincess21ca

as to patrick's erectile problems he has gone to the doctor. he was tested for thyroid and he doesn't have the numbers to be diagnosed. in the last year he gained 100 pounds. they have run tests and he is healthy in all the emergency kind of things.

I would urge him to find a new doctor and try again. Most people take more than a year to put on 100lbs unless there is some underlying condition. All these things seem conected somehow. I have noticed that some men have a hard time revealing everything to their doctors (or they forget 1/2 of what they need to tell them). If he is willing, go with him.

It sounds like Patrick is OK with the way things are between the 3 of you. Find what things make him feel loved and do those. I imagine it took a lot of courage for him to accept his physical limitations and he probably feel just as guilty that things aren't the way they were. It will take work on your part to make sure you don't neglect one for the other.

[patman023]

I've had many checks and so far nothing substantial :-( My next step is seeing a second doc at a different clinic in the new year.

I did start on anti-depressants just before the weight gain started, but i was also under high stress from financial issues at the time (mortgage broker messed up hardcore), and stress --> belly fat. 1+1=window...

@SvartSvensk: no ACAM here in Canada :-(

either way, it's an issue i def need to address (along with school, money, and the newer dynamics of everything)...

[SourGirl]

Originally Posted by patman023

I've had many checks and so far nothing substantial :-( My next step is seeing a second doc at a different clinic in the new year.

I did start on anti-depressants just before the weight gain started, but i was also under high stress from financial issues at the time (mortgage broker messed up hardcore), and stress --> belly fat. 1+1=window...

@SvartSvensk: no ACAM here in Canada :-(

either way, it's an issue i def need to address (along with school, money, and the newer dynamics of everything)...

All this information is great to have. Thanks to both parties for chipping in with more to say. When both parties chime in (in a non-defensive way) that speaks volumes.

SvartSvensk, hit the nail on the head. I was going entirely off the OP`s words.
Thank you Svart for clarifying.

Some people get very co-dependent, even though the actual relationship has died, or they have grown apart. With more info, neither of you strike me to be that way.

Patrick- your symptoms and issues are a cause for concern. I think right now it`s imperative that you keep pushing different doctors to help you figure out what is going on. SOMETHING is causing all this......

Once you two have some kind of answer, or even a direction to focus on, you`ll be able to look at the rest, without so much pressure or feeling angry at yourself.

From your own words ( I guess I need to make that disclaimer now. ) I see you both feel a whole lot of pressure from various sources, on various topics. School, money, health, new relationships (even ones that are good and healthy).....can influence how we show 'love'.

What things have you tried, to take the pressure off yourselves, so you can connect with each other ?

[TheBlackSwede]

Pat, some anti-depressants can cause or add to symptoms like you are experiencing, and with pharmaceutical influences involved, problems can be hidden and more difficult to diagnose. I didn't realize you were in Canada - that is actually a good thing for you, as you won't have to deal with the expense of medical care in order to get to the bottom of your health issues! Depending on where in Canada you are, I may even be able to recommend someone to you, a good friend of mine (the same person who turned me on to ACAM here in the States) knows quite a few people medical community, particularly near Vancouver. You may also want to do some searching on the forums over at t-nation.com - there are a lot of knowledgable people on that site (I know, it's a silly bodybuilding site, but they have a lot of people who are focused on fitness and athleticism as well), many medical professionals, and plenty of men who have been right where you are and are currently recovering. If you post some numbers from some of your tests and share some details there, they might be able to point you in a better direction than myself.

[MrFarFromRight]

OK, I'm thinking seriously of changing my user name on here to "House Pedant"! frogprincess21ca, I've read through the 3 threads that you've started on here and I have to comment on this contradiction:

Originally Posted by frogprincess21ca

we love sleeping next to each other and cuddling. [...] i don't physically want Patrick. i feel terrible. [...] i still feel the loss of the ability to love Patrick in a intimate way.

You DO "love Patrick in a intimate way"! You DO "physically want Patrick"! What's more intimate than "sleeping next to each other and cuddling"??? So you don't want to kiss him, so you don't want hot sex. As the Spanish say, "¡No te comas el coco!" [Don't eat your head!]

Frankly (and speaking personally here as a Class A1 Pervert), if I had to choose between a relationship of hot sex with no cuddling then going home to sleep alone, and one of cuddling and sleeping / waking up together but without the sex... I'd choose the latter. But DON'T let me tempt you down the path of perversion!

Seriously, you 2 love each other. You love each other physically. You just don't happen to get it on in a way that our society has brainwashed us into believing the ONLY proof of sexual love.
I don't know, but I suspect that you don't like kissing because it's an obvious prelude to other stuff that doesn't turn you on.

I could play the therapist here and ask if your distaste for sex started when Pat "couldn't get it up" or if it was the other way around. It might just be possible that one of you is afraid of unenthusiastic response from the other (= failure) (= rejection) and so a vicious circle has built up.

I don't want to downplay the physical / medical problems here, Patrick needs to get supportive (concerned) advice.

But don't overdo the worry -> stress -> pressure on the sex front. Relax! Enjoy the cuddling! Don't eat your heads!

[River]

Damn! I wish someone had warned me against eating my head! >burp!<