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Old 05-27-2016, 05:04 PM
WanderingINTJ WanderingINTJ is offline
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Default Divorce, Custody Rights, Does Poly desires affect?

Has anyone divorced because they wanted to pursue poly and mono partner was not interested? How does the legal process work out for you? We're your desires to be poly used against you as far as legal/custody rights? Is there a better type of lawyer or divorce mediator to find for this type of situation? TIA
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Old 05-27-2016, 07:38 PM
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Spork Spork is offline
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I do know that in the US that is going to vary TREMENDOUSLY by state.

I'm in the process of a divorce, just starting the legal part barely at this point, I've been dragging my feet on it because I'm worried that some of the financial logistics won't work out the way my ex thinks. I wish we didn't have to go all "legal contract" and could do much of this on gentleman's agreements, because for one thing I am afraid he won't be able to keep the house and when he finds out that's the case, he'll freak out.

Seems anytime I talk to anyone about it, they talk like I could "nail him for this" or "get him for that." What I know all too well since I still manage and advise him on his budget...is that he doesn't have any money. I can't get him for anything, he ain't got it. And I don't want it, honestly. We're both struggling a bit. I don't feel any need whatsoever to make him struggle more.

But all of that is irrelevant to your question. One hugely significant factor is if you are in a "fault" or "no fault" state, if you have already begun to move on and take an interest in other partners. I'm fortunate that mine is no fault. But even so, I'd think that if you get a judge on your case who is some sort of a hardcore 'Murica clean-livin' kind of uptight fundie sort...and your ex painted a picture of you as heading into a "life of degeneracy"...it could go badly.

Also the age(s) of the kids is relevant, because teens are sometimes just asked outright by a judge who they want to live with, and a lot of weight put on that if neither parent can really be PROVEN to be unfit.
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Old 05-27-2016, 11:14 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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I'm thinking things will tend to go less well for the poly spouse than for the mono spouse. However, what you really need to do is consult with a lawyer (well ahead of time).
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Old 07-10-2016, 07:59 PM
missmindful missmindful is offline
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I recently went through a divorce. I did not have the experience you described with my partner, but we did indeed go to trial. My state is a no fault state, and as stated above, that does matter. I do not believe that Poly issues will be brought up unless these issues immediately effect the children. You do not give enough details of your case to really get further into it than that. But, if there is no concrete evidence that your lifestyle effects the children negatively, it will not be brought up in court. For example, I suspect my ex is a functioning alcoholic. He was verbally and emotionally abusive, but there is no way to prove that. He has not been treated, I never involved the police, and there is no record or evidence supporting my suspicions. These things were not brought up in court. The court is mostly concerned with the health and welfare of the children in my experience. They are much more likely to be concerned about whether or not the parties are paying support, making visitation, and providing a healthy and supportive environment for the children when they are with them. Get a good Lawyer. IF you do not think that you will be able to work things out in mediation with the help of lawyers, than get one experienced in trial work. I can not express this enough. I retained an amiable lawyer at first, and had to retain a trial lawyer when it became clear that mediation was indeed not going to be possible. It was a very costly mistake. Trials are expensive, if you have any thought that it is headed there get the best trial lawyer you can. Mine was excellent.

I think this needs to be said. Divorce is very hard on all parties involved, but it is especially hard on the children. It is my personal belief that it is best to keep romantic partners away from the children for a good length of time in order to give the kids a chance to come to terms with their new lives. Bringing another person or people into the equation only seems to cause confusion, and more anxiety when the child is simply trying to comes to terms with the fact that mom and dad are not together anymore. I did not date until my divorce was final. It was very difficult to wait that long, but it was the best choice for me and my kids. I have been dating for a little under a year, and I have yet to find someone special enough to introduce them to. I think that I will wait at least a year after meeting before I make those introductions. This is what I have chosen for my family. Think through what is best for yours. I also can not stress the importance of support. Get a good therapist, form a good support network around yourself, and try not to bring your divorce into your new relationships. I wish you the best of luck.
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