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  #21  
Old 05-24-2013, 04:58 AM
Zed Zed is offline
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That's kind of how we play it too Full Of Love. We're already getting a lot better at it. I can feel a big difference coming from me. Nisha notices it too, she told me just yesterday that I'm expressing my self and my emotions a lot better these days, without going into denial or into a fight. I think she too had become a lot better at listening to what I have to say and not take everything personally. It's definitely a two way street! It feels so good when things go like this.

Today I woke up a little annoyed though. Lately, Nisha has had a rough time at work. She's overloaded and OTing all the time. In Singapore, OT is just a way of life, you don't even get paid extra for it. The last two/three weeks have been hard on her and she's had to bring her work home, sometimes staying up till two in the morning to finish a project which she doesn't even like working on in the first place.

So lately, there's no mood for sex obviously. And I've been craving pretty bad. I think I have a big sex drive, and I'm not sure if Nisha's is the same. I'm up for it anytime, anywhere, any how. But I know Nisha's under a lot of stress and I won't make her do anything she's not in the mood for. But even if it isn't sex, we hardly spend any awake time in bed at all. I'm usually asleep before she gets to bed, and she wakes up earlier than me normally. But yesterday and the day before, she didn't need to get any work done! And I thought we could, you know, make sexy time. But she was on her computer, playing video games!

Today morning I woke up alone in bed again. The difference is today is a holiday, we don't have any work to go to. So I thought I'd find her by my side when I woke up, she wasn't there. She was out at the breakfast table having a coffee and watching videos on YouTube. AM I THE ONLY ONE HERE WHO WANTS SEX?

I suddenly found myself missing Greta a little, because she is quite the cuddly one. I feel bad for missing her but I can't deny that I did. On one hand I'm thinking Greta probably did a lot of things out of ignorance herself, and I wonder if we should forgive her instead of cutting her off. On the other, she's never really been ok with Nisha and treated her pretty badly when we were in Berlin, I don't want anyone like that in our lives.

I haven't told Nisha about how I felt yet, I'm not really sure how I feel myself. I'm not sure how Nisha would react if I told her I missed Greta in the morning, because Greta would have still been in bed when I woke up. But I only missed Greta because Nisha wasn't there... so where does it all begin?

Maybe I am poly because I need a lot of attention, more than one person can possibly give. But maybe I can't give that much attention back? I don't know. Am I wrong? Am I being greedy and selfish? These questions must have been lurking in the back of my mind, now they've come up and given me a lot to think about...
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  #22  
Old 05-29-2013, 03:06 AM
Zed Zed is offline
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Default The Good Days

The last weekend was wonderful! Friday was a public holiday, so we had a three day weekend to ourselves. We decided to take it easy and enjoy a relaxed weekend, full of love and conversations and sexy time!

It's funny, when things are going smoothly I think less of blogging about it. It's when things get sucky that I want to write them down and share my misery. But not today, today I'm here to say that I had a lovely weekend with Nisha and I've fallen even more in love (and even harder) if that's possible at all.

It was like we were dating again. One night we went to a pub and then dinner, by ourselves. We joked and laughed and ate new food! The next night we cooked a couple of whiskey steaks with grilled potatoes and opened a nice bottle of wine and watched a movie. A quiet romantic night, perfect! The night after that we got our ROCK on and went for an Aerosmith concert! Those guys seriously kicked the shit out of Singapore! All of them senior citizens now and kicking a lot more ass than any of these new punk bands today. And on sunday, we simply relaxed at home playing video games and baking banana bread with cranberries and cashew nuts. First time baking bread, turned out pretty good if I do say so myself! YUM! Sprinkle a lot of love making throughout these days and

Things are not back to the way things were before, they seem to be better! I'm so happy and I want to share that happiness, just like I shared my misery before.

HAPPY VIBES! SENDING OUT HAPPY VIBES! GET EM WHILE THEY'RE HOT! CAN YOU FEEL IT?
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  #23  
Old 06-30-2013, 04:59 PM
Zed Zed is offline
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Default In retrospect...

I keep wanting to write something in my blog, and yet I find myself unsure. I'm unsure of what's going on, I'm unsure of what I want, I'm frustrated. Well, I was. And I just couldn't figure out how to express myself.

Looking back, I think I harboured some resentment towards Nisha for not letting me keep in touch with Greta. The thing is, I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep talking to Greta or not. On one hand I didn't, because of the way Greta sometimes treated us when we were in Berlin. I couldn't be sure if she really was my friend, or someone who selfishly thought about herself. She did try to muscle Nisha out of the way at times.

Then again, Greta was so kind to us too. She offered us her bedroom and slept in the guest-room, so that we could be more comfortable. She gave Nisha her good winter boots because Nisha's broke, while she wore her other not so good boots. She was good to us and that's what confuses me. Absolutely confuses me.

Looking back, I think she must have tried to be a good polygamist but perhaps failed, just like Nisha and I did. And I think we failed because we bite off a lot more than we could chew. We overstayed at her place, we didn't give ourselves the space we needed to deal with the situation. Perhaps the three of us should have had a sit down and talked about our desires and what we wanted from this. We never did that. All of us had unvoiced expectations which weren't known to each other and so never acknowledged or satisfied.

In short, I've been thinking about Greta and what happened and I thought about it long and hard until I had some sort of clear idea of how I felt. Then I finally brought it up with Nisha, and I told her that perhaps cutting Greta out wasn't the best solution. Nisha listened and she took a few days to think about it before honestly telling me that she wouldn't have a problem if I wanted to talk to Greta again. She needed some space and time to recover from what happened in Berlin and that she was OK now.

I really appreciate that from Nisha, it think it took a lot of courage from her. Berlin really shook us bad and we've had a hard time getting over that. I haven't spoken to Greta yet, I'm still not sure if I want to yet. I have forgiven her, and I hope she has forgiven us, but more than that... perhaps things are better left this way. Sometimes we learn a lot more from letting go...

Speaking of letting go, weirdly enough, I dreamt of an ex girlfriend whom I haven't spoken to in years last night. It started of very fun and even got a bit sexual, but in the end we tried to drown each other. I remember her trying to kick me off a ship into the stormy sea and I took her with me and tried to tie her to a pole underwater. No one died, but the dream was an angry one... I know I have a lot of unresolved resentments in my past and I just might need therapy to figure myself. I've seriously considered getting some but I'm somehow I don't like that idea, specially not in Singapore. I don't trust them to understand me and my kind of lifestyle here, they will try to "fix" me and turn me into what they consider "normal". But that's another story...

Besides the Greta incident, Nisha has been terribly busy with her new job. They've been overworking her and one of her bosses is an absolute asshole. He messed up on some project and now he's trying to get Nisha to take the fall. The thing is, Nisha's never had an issue with any of her other projects or clients exept for this one, so it's quite obvious that it's him that's the problem, not her. But in any case, she's working extra hard now to not give them the chance to put anything else on her. But all that extra work has just given us so little time to relax by ourselves. She's been very stressed, bringing work home everyday, sacrificing weekends and not getting enough sleep or exercise and that in return is getting me stressed.

I tried to tell her many times over the last few months, that she's been ignoring herself and ignoring me. I told her really nicely at first and she always listened but never did anything about it. Then I started to get annoyed and put pressure of her to get out of this work spirla but that didn't help. I started to feel like I was fighting a losing battle, that Nisha wasn't going to do anything to get a new job, to help find a new country we could move to, to make a change. We stopped talking, in some ways I had stopped feeling connected to her. I stopped feeling any spark or exitement in our relationship and I thought that the time would come for me to make a very important decision, to stay or to leave. And I didn't want to let her go but I couldn't continue simply waiting for a change that might never come.

Finally all that over work and no exercise caught up and she fell terribly ill. We had a haze problem in Singapore and Nisha, with her asthma caught a terrible throat infection. She's been so ill she's been coughing blood sometimes, but luckily that's ended now. Last night, we had a good talk about how she needs to get out of this spiral. Get on track with her projects and also balance out a healthy life. I've spoken to her about it before, but last night we drilled it down to the cause, her procrastination. She's accepted she has a problem and we're working on it together. She knows I'm always there to hold her hand all the way. Today we've started putting life back in balance. We worked (even though it is the weekend) but we also went to a park and did a little exercise. We talked and laughed and put on some jazz and cooked a good lasagna and had wine and just enjoyed ourselves like we used to in "the young new days". We really needed that, to connect with each other again. And although she's gone back to the study to work again (tough life, I know), I have a good feeling that this madness is coming to and end and life is balancing itself out again. And that makes me really happy to know that if there is an end for Nisha and me, we are no where close to it.

-----------------------------

We had a problem with the haze in Singapore because of the forest fires in Sumatra. They've been burning down thousands of acres of forests to grow palm trees, killing hundreds of forest animals like the orang-utans without giving a flying fuck. But the farmers aren't the real ones to blame. The real bad guys are the big multi million corps that buy this oil for dirt cheap, but won't pay for sustainable farming. The bastards. Here's a little app some of my friends and I worked on in our free time, to spread awareness about the haze: www.factsbehindhaze.com. Please take action and boycott products that don't support sustainable farming. There is no excuse for destroying forests and their inhabitats like that, only the reason of greed and corruption.
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  #24  
Old 08-15-2013, 03:33 AM
Zed Zed is offline
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Default Wavering attractions

I feel real shallow sometimes… but I know I'm not that kind of a guy.

The thing is, I've been feeling less attracted to Nisha the last few months, not emotionally, but physically. And I think it has to do with two main reasons:

1) Nisha's parents have been pressuring a marriage.

Nisha and I have been talking about getting married for a long time now. And looking forward to it! I had the proposal all planned out but it was going to take some time to execute. Her parents want the marriage sooner than later, and now the whole family has started making marriage and wedding plans without me even having proposed. I wish they would get off our backs a little because it's taking all the romance and excitement out of it. They don't seem to understand that, I guess because to them a marriage is a practical thing. Having said that though, they've been very understanding and patient, but I think their patience is running out. Anyways, all this pressure has made Nisha and I look at this whole thing as a chore and we aren't looking forward to it as much anymore.

2) Nisha's been… how do I put this… stress eating

She's been stressed the last few months and she stress eats… and so she's put on a bit of weight here and there. Now, she's been fat before and she's had pimple outbreaks and other things and I've loved her and stood by her through thick and thin, so let me tell you that I'm not a shallow pig who's only in it for the looks. I feel terrible for thinking this, but she's not taking care of herself and that's made me less physically attracted towards her and this has been affecting our sex life.

What really troubles me is, she didn't seem to want to do anything about it. I tried various ways to get her to do something about it, some methods were bad perhaps, but in the end all I did was show support and even do all the research for her. I kept going to my gym hoping that maybe it would motivate her too.

She does realise that she's not taking care of herself and she does want to do something about it, it would be wonderful for her and her confidence. She is absolutely beautiful and if she kept healthy, she would be unstoppable.

I wish I knew how to proceed with this, I want to be supportive. I've already told her that if she wants to diet, I'll do it with her. If she wants to go for yoga, I'll go with her. If she wants to run, I'll run with her. But she doesn't seem to initiate anything, also she says she needs time to get on her agenda herself. I'll support her anyway I can, she knows that.
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  #25  
Old 08-15-2013, 03:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zed View Post
2) Nisha's been… how do I put this… stress eating

She's been stressed the last few months and she stress eats… and so she's put on a bit of weight here and there . . .

I wish I knew how to proceed with this, I want to be supportive.
The overeating is just a symptom. She needs to address the cause - what is she stressing about? If, for example, she is stressed over her family pressuring her to get married already, then maybe instead of eating, she needs to stand up to them and tell them to cut it out.
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  #26  
Old 08-15-2013, 06:47 AM
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Yeah, but it's not like we haven't tried. We've been trying to tell them to let us do it our way for years. And they have, but I guess they can't wait any more...

Thing is, it is the right time and I'm ready to do this but the pressure is getting to me. Nisha too. Thanks for your advice!
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  #27  
Old 08-15-2013, 01:26 PM
Zed Zed is offline
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Default Kelsey and coming home

Here we go again! Only this time, I want to do it right.

Kelsey. I met her about 3 years ago and I thought to myself... yum! She had red hair, a pretty face and rode a Royal Enfield. She was sexy. But I didn't really get to know her at that time, I guess we only bumped into each other at parties and had a few laughs, but that was it.

Then last week, I met her again. And although the Enfield is gone, she's still sexy as hell.

She's a tattoo artist now and also into pottery and sketching and stuff like that. Creative stuff. We chatted a few times online, but I don't think we ever seriously flirted. Then last week, while I was visiting home for three days, we met every day. Our first meeting was coincidental, but there was this spark, this little sexual feeling and I think she felt it too. Because after that, everything was intentional.

The very first night, I was at a party and it was getting late. I was sitting on the couch and talking to my brother's girlfriend Jin who was lying down on the couch, feet in my lap. Jin is like a sister to me, we're very close. Suddenly Kelsey jumps into the couch and gives Jin a big hug and they start chatting away and now Kelsey's feet are in my lap too.

I absentmindedly started to massage her calves and I wondered if we were going to hook up that night, but I think there was another guy at the party who didn't want that and so he massively cock blocked. Somehow or the other, she left with him and some other people who were all heading the same way. The next day, I messaged her asking her out.

My aunt was performing at this chik restau/pub, so I invited Kelsey to it. She came and hung out with us for a while, and I began to get shy and tongue tied, just how I usually do when I feel attracted to someone but not sure if it's returned. But we got to chatting and it wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. For one thing, I decided I wasn't going to try and seduce anyone. I was just going to have a conversation and see how things panned out. We chatted and talked about our jobs and stuff like that, luckily we have interesting jobs! But she had to leave before midnight, not because her carriage was going to turn into a pumpkin but because it was her aunt's birthday and she wanted to wish her at the stroke.

So I hung out with my brother, his girlfriend and some others at this pub but it just wasn't my scene. The music was good but the people, not my type. Pishy poshy with their nose in the air, waving it about like they just do care. I spent some time wondering if she would return, but she didn't. I asked my brother, "Do you think she's coming back?" "No, but she just messaged and she's invited us to her aunt's party if you want to go jam there." "Yeah, that sounds like more fun. Let's go!"

We got there and that party was WAY more fun. Everyone was having a good time and chilling out and jamming with guitars and singing and it was in this open air restaurant that Kelsey's sister is the head chef at and it was raining and we got high and sang under the warm roof whilst it pourded just outside. Perfect!

Kelsey and I were really getting along, we were always chatting away in one corner or the other and I really wanted to kiss her, but there were so many people there and I didn't know if she wanted to kiss me back so we slowly made our way to the back of the restaurant where no one was around and we flirted and spoke and Kelsey finally asked, "You have a girlfriend right?" And got all red and tried explain the poly side of things, that I love my girlfriend and that we're poly, and that I find Kelsey not only physically attractive but also fun to be with. I was a bumbling idiot turning pink! I thought she wasn't going to understand me or I was was going to turn her off but she just laughed and told me how red my cheeks were getting! So I asked her if she wanted to go to the car park.

And on our way there, we bumped into Jin and for some reason, Jin just didn't realise that we wanted to be alone! And then the same guy from the night before, tried to cock block me again.

One thing led to another and before we knew it, the night was over and we were all going home our own separate ways... I was so pissed off that my last night, my last chance with Kelsey was just blown away. I had a fight with Jin, something I've never done before. I was so frustrated that I thought Jin purposely tried to cock block me too. But I realised later that it was my angry cock speaking, that Jin would have never done that intentionally. Jin is really a sweet heart, a heart of gold. We fought a all the way home but we made up in the end, before going to sleep.

The next morning, I woke up and I thought, my flight is leaving in 6 hours, I have to be there an hour before that and it takes me an hour to get to the airport. Which gives me 3 hours to see Kelsey one last time.

I msged her on her phone and on facebook asking her if she wanted to meet before I left, because we never did get to say a proper goodbye. Almost an hour later, she replied. She could meet me, when, where? I told her to meet me half way from her place, I have another house near there (well, it's my mom's house but she was away on vacation!)

And so she came there and we went upstairs to my old bedroom and we spoke. "Well, this is a bit awkward" she said. "Yeah, I know, but I don't want it to be like that". And I genuinely was ready to just leave things on a conversation instead of having awkward sex, at this point my mind was clear and I knew that I wasn't going to force anything to happen. I liked Kelsey and I didn't want to mess things with her. I love Nisha and I wasn't going to do anything to make her feel sad. And so Kelsey and I just sat there, on the edge of a bed, talking. We must have spoken about 3 sentences before we couldn't hold it anymore and jumped on each other.

The kissing. The biting. Clothes on the floor. I saw her tattoos, one by one, licking and kissing each one. It was so hot. One hour and a few orgasms later, we were still kissing and then she asked me, "Don't you have a flight to catch?"

And so that was it, she jumped out of bed saying, "Well that was fun". I smiled. We kissed goodbye one last time and then both of little more and then I really had to dash for the airport. I had a stupid grin on my face all through the day and the next.

I was just happy, simply happy. And I couldn't wait to go back home to Nisha. I had missed her so much.
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  #28  
Old 08-15-2013, 03:48 PM
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Oh, wow, that was totally hot! Thanks for the good read. Glad you had such a great experience after all the apprehension and nervousness!
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  #29  
Old 08-15-2013, 04:16 PM
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Awww, you persevered despite the cock blocking! How fun!
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  #30  
Old 08-16-2013, 08:23 AM
Zed Zed is offline
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Default I'm a mess

Nisha, I love her to bits. Every bit of her I love and I'm crazy over her. I know it, I feel it and I can't imagine my life without her. The thought of losing her kills me. And yet, I hurt her with stupid things. She says that we haven't been having much sex the past few months, or that when we do it's usually her who initiates. And I wouldn't say that's a 100% true, but my sex drive has dropped.

Some nights I wouldn't respond to her moves, I just wanted to sleep. That's not at all like me normally. At the same time, I couldn't stop eyeing every other girl around me. I realised that I was somehow feeling less attracted to Nisha and looking for sex elsewhere.

Nisha noticed that I wasn't going down on her anymore. I noticed it too, I had stopped enjoying it. I thought it might have had something to do with her gaining some weight and I felt terrible for that. Nisha's not even close to being anywhere near obese or unattractive. She's a very pretty girl, with beautiful eyes and mmm, those perfect tits.

But here's the thing. Even though I was initiating sex with Nisha less and I had stopped going down on her, I was ready to do everything with Kelsey. And I enjoyed it! It was new and it was hot. And when I told Nisha about it, she was very hurt that I gave somebody else something I hadn't given her in a long time. Who wouldn't be upset with something like that?

We've had long heated conversations about this since I returned home. It's sad because I missed Nisha so much while I was away from her. It's sad that I love her so much but my sexual attraction for her had dropped so much.

Is that really love? How can it be? Is this a phase? Is this something that all couples face 8 years into their relationship? Is the passion really finally slowly dying or is it just that we've both had a lot on our minds lately and that's affected us? Or am I really so shallow as I never thought I was, and am affected by a little gain in weight?

In my mind and heart, I know there's only Nisha for me. But it seems like my actions say something different. I'm not sure what we should do, if this problem lies within me alone or if she has some part to play in it. This drop in libido is going to seriously affect our relationship.

Nisha suggested that we continue living together as friends, that way we can have each other's company and friendship and we're still free to have sex with who we want. But there's no way I can do that, I can't stop feeling for her as I do now and just be friends living in different rooms in the same house. No way. I was surprised she thought I'd find that a good idea.

Last night Nisha and I slept together again and we kissed long and deep before going to sleep. She knows that I love her, I know she loves me. She's scared that I would leave her because of her looks, but at the same time I think she knows that I wouldn't do that. I'm scared that she might take me or my desires for granted and that my drive will eventually drop to zero. Maybe we just need some time off...
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