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Old 10-08-2015, 06:26 AM
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Tsuki Tsuki is offline
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Default Tsuki's Hella Long Life Story

I feel like Louie in the beginning of "Interview with a Vampire";
"So, you want me to tell you the story of my life? You'd have to have a lot of tape for my story. Shall we begin like David Copperfield... I was born, I grew up... or shall we begin when I was born to darkness, as I call it? That's really where we should start, don't you think?" In my particular case however, I was 'born to light'...

I was born biologically male. I lived like most boys, I had my bullies, and my friends, and my homework, and my bike. I never really fit in very well, so I was always a victim as I grew up. I discovered I was, 'different' at the tender age of 12. I wanted to dress in my mothers clothes, wear her shoes, shave my legs... My dad was very homophobic in those days, and did his best to shame me in front of the rest of the family. I was an outcast in society, and in my own home. After many years of bottling up all my frustrations and sexual confusion, I learned to tuck it away and swallow it deep... and keep it hidden so I could pretend to be 'normal'.

Throughout high school, I never had any relationships, beyond a semi-steady group of male friends... most of them outcasts from society themselves. We used to sit outside my chemistry class at lunch and play "Magic: the Gathering" when it first came out (yes, I am hella old). It was easy to fit in, because no one fit in... and no one had ever had a girlfriend... so we didn't sweat each other about it. We nerded it up, and it was a nice relief from everyday life.

My college years were a little easier, as everyone was entirely too busy to give any fucks about me. I shuffled around campus, avoiding eye contact with anyone in an effort not to stand out. I worked 2 jobs and got myself an online girlfriend at the age of 20... my very first. We thought we were in love and we arranged to meet each other a few times over the next year. We had sex for the first time on our 3rd meeting, and we were both virgins. I will spare you the gory details, but I learned 2 very valuable lessons that day:
1. 2 virgins should NEVER have sex with each other.
2. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't... finish.

I had been going 'solo' ever since my very first erection at 12... but I wasn't able to finish with another human being. My brain was so occupied with pleasing my partner, that I just couldn't take any pleasure for myself. For many years after that first experience, it was a consistent disappointment for me, and my partner. I could finish... occasionally, but only about 1/3 of the time. Sex always became an elephant in the room with me and my ex's. They would tell me it was fine, and experience taught me it was never fine, and so I couldn't escape my own mind, and it more often than not, led to total failure in the bedroom. I gave up on serious relationships after that, and I lived on my own for a year.

During my time living alone... I bought some female clothing items, and some sexual paraphernalia to revisit my secret feelings. The more I dressed up, the more often I would have dreams of being female, secret longings to know what being penetrated felt like, to go outside my door and let the world see who I was inside. I didn't however, because the sheer notion of doing such a thing seemed ridiculous and impossible. The shame foundation my father lay upon my heart all those years ago, was unshakable at this point in my life. I dressed and fantasized only in secret.

I moved in with a friend in my early 20s and we spent most of our time completely stoned. We would go through a dub a day, and wake up high, go to work high, go to bed high and do it again the next day. I was high easily 85% of the time in those days. I worked at a gas station, took up smoking weed/cigarettes and drinking so much that I would throw up a couple times a week. My friend and I were the 'party house' that all the 18 yo kids would stop by and drink and smoke themselves stupid. While those days were filled with parties and non-stop irresponsibility and fun, I was still miserable and closeted most of the time. The constant buzz was a nice way to distract myself from real life. I ended up in several casual relationships with girls that were just looking for a fuck buddy, and I was committed to having as many uncommitted relationships as I could, in those days.

I ended up hooking up with a man I met online, as more of a personal fantasy fulfillment. I was on a mission, I wanted to be submissive, I wanted to know what it was like to be penetrated and to not have the pressure to perform, and just let my partner take me. I was really heavy into 'furrydom' and I was wearing dog collars and going by animal names and associating with some rather interesting characters. I got so deep into the subculture, that I was actually submitting artwork to furry comics and doing collabs with popular furry artists. This man I met online, was sorta sketchy, and a shit ton of red flags were flying, but I was desperate for the experience and so I went anyway. He specialized in devirginizing young boys and as a badge of honor, he would give you a number to show which one you were. He was also very emotionally possessive and would e-mail me frequently to remind me that I 'belonged' to him. Sorry sir, but no.

Despite the shady experience, I didn't regret it... in fact, to this day I am proud I went through with it. I learned a lot about myself, and I really did enjoy just letting go and doing something just for me. However, I wasn't attracted to men in the least, and other than the pleasure of the experience itself, I wasn't interested in having additional experiences. I said my goodbyes and moved on with my life. Around this time, I was starting a new job, and I had taken on 2 lovers simultaneously. The agreement between us, was that they didn't want to know anything about each other. When I was with one, the other didn't exist. I was still smoking a lot of weed, and being with 2 partners boosted my confidence level for a while. I was having sex on a daily basis, and I almost never slept at home. My confidence, and the weed did wonders to enhance my lovemaking abilities. I would finish 95% of the time and in a surprising turn, one of my partners experienced female ejaculation for the first time in her life. Long after our relationship came to an end, she happily reported to me that I was still the only one ever consistently able to do that to her. I won't lie, it was a confidence booster.

I ended up falling in love with a girl, and we ended up moving in together. I stopped smoking weed, helped raise her kids, and started moving up in my job to provide for my new family. We ended up having a 4th child, together, and this is around the time that shit started getting weird... Our sex life was pretty amazing the first few years we lived together, but I wasn't smoking week anymore, so the thoughts of inadequacy came back gradually with each bedroom failure. I became sullen, and she became angry on occasion. When we drank together to enhance the mood, sometimes it would build to a head and she would let out all her pent up aggression, and I would get depressed and pass out intentionally to avoid fighting. I retreated back into my private fantasies and dress up while she was at work, and the kids were at school. She discovered my 'stash' of clothes n' things, and began to ask uncomfortable questions, and I tried to cover it up but she pressed on. I confessed everything to her over lunch one day on Valentines. She seemed genuinely curious and almost aroused as I explained everything. I poured out my heart and soul and she quietly listened, only stopping me to ask the occasional question.

I thought that I had finally found a real outlet for my darkest secrets, and for a brief period, she seemed very interested. We discussed it at length, and even played with me dressing up in the bedroom... but it soon became weird again. I still wouldn't be able to finish consistently and she would still get frustrated. I try to look at it from her standpoint... after all, how would I feel if I could have an orgasm, but I couldn't give her one no matter how hard I tried. I am certain I would begin feeling frustrated and inadequate. After 10 years of disappointing sex, we began sleeping apart. My son slept in bed with her, and I slept on the couch. We began drifting apart, and it wasn't long before we stopped kissing, or hugging, or even cuddling. Our relationship was pretty much lost. During this transitional period in our relationship, I was becoming more and more miserable, and I was angry and unhappy all the time. My ex suggested I get some help, and so I did. I began seeing a therapist who really helped me try to figure out what was wrong with me, and why I was so unhappy. I pretty much told him the very same story I am writing here, and he was intrigued. He asked me if I had considered the possibility that I might be a woman.
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The dark night sky separates us
To lay bare our hearts as they call out to each other
Cast off your useless trappings
Some things can only be seen
When you've lost everything

-Translated from "Kiseki No Umi" by Sakamoto Maaya
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  #2  
Old 10-08-2015, 06:27 AM
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Part 2: (it wouldn't allow me to post the last little bit due to size restrictions. I apologize for the inconvenience)

I had never considered being a woman a possibility. I have never even heard of 'transgender' before that day. I heard about transsexuals in the news, in movies, and on Jerry Springer... not the best portrayal btw... and I knew literally NOTHING about them. My therapist recommended I do some research online and come back the following week with what I learned. It was like standing in a dark room, staring into a mirror... and suddenly someone clicked on the light. For the first time, I saw my reflection clearly and it wasn't a man looking at me, but a woman. My life did a complete 180. I went from disappointment and misery, to purposeful happiness almost overnight. I told my ex, and she cried... we decided to officially end things after that. She just told me that she wasn't a lesbian and it was just that simple. In all honesty, I think she was hoping for something like this, because if gives a 'legit' reason for a clean break. We decided to stay a family however, for the kids, and for the financial support we provide each other. We don't fight anymore, and we aren't 'friends' per se, but we get along like quiet room mates.

Currently, it has been over 2 years since my transition began... and I really couldn't be happier. I am proud of my kids, my ex graduated college with a masters degree, and is working at the very same college she graduated from. I love my job and most the people I work with. I am so deliriously happy, that I seem to actually infect other people with it. I have more friends now, than I have ever had in my life, and the funny thing is, they call me the 'well adjusted one'. I have been taking up new hobbies like learning Japanese, and dancing... 日本語が大好きです、でも私はまだ勉強しています。 As for dancing... I am still working on it LOL. I have taken up a new relationship with a lovely Poly girl that I am calling 'Missy' for the sake of anonymity. I am hoping that Missy will accompany me through the next portion of my life, and I am happy that she gets to be with the real me, and the happy me. This will be the first new relationship I have had in 12 years, so I am hoping that things go well.

Thank you for sitting through that, and if you made it through that mess then you deserve a cookie. I am sorry, but I am out of cookies, but you certainly deserve one.
__________________
The dark night sky separates us
To lay bare our hearts as they call out to each other
Cast off your useless trappings
Some things can only be seen
When you've lost everything

-Translated from "Kiseki No Umi" by Sakamoto Maaya
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  #3  
Old 10-11-2015, 10:51 PM
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What wonderous developments in your life It was really interesting to read about your story and I am wholeheartedly rooting for you on your newfound path to yourself. You surely sound happy ^.^
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Old 10-12-2015, 03:20 PM
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Thank you very much! I feel like I have lived... SO many different lives, and none of them have been good for me, except the life I am living now. I am grateful for all the blessings that I have been given, and all the people who have helped me, and supported me on my difficult journey.

I have more than half my life to go, and so much to look forward too, but I wouldn't have gotten here, without my past.
__________________
The dark night sky separates us
To lay bare our hearts as they call out to each other
Cast off your useless trappings
Some things can only be seen
When you've lost everything

-Translated from "Kiseki No Umi" by Sakamoto Maaya
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  #5  
Old 10-12-2015, 04:28 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
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I'd love to hear more of your story. I know you're posting updates in your other thread, but have you thought about turning this into a blog?
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Old 10-12-2015, 10:13 PM
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Tsuki, I am also glad you started blogging, and it's so exciting that you finally came to the realization about your true gender and immediately started working on transitioning! Some people stay in a no man's land (pun not intended), for years (or forever) spinning their wheels and living a double life, out of fear of the unknown or fear of their families' reactions.
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Old 10-12-2015, 11:52 PM
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*Blushy laugh* Wow, that's really nice to hear. I s'pose I could start chronicling my experiences. I didn't really think I was all that interesting, but thanks for reading! I think I will begin here, where I left off in my other thread, and maybe write a summary of past events for the sake of continuity.

Thank you for your interest in hearing about my stories.
__________________
The dark night sky separates us
To lay bare our hearts as they call out to each other
Cast off your useless trappings
Some things can only be seen
When you've lost everything

-Translated from "Kiseki No Umi" by Sakamoto Maaya
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Old 10-13-2015, 01:00 AM
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Tsuki Tsuki is offline
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So it has been suggested, that I start blogging my experiences here. I don't mind, after all it feels good to share with a nice group of people that seem to enjoy listening to what I have to say. I guess the most logical place to start would be a short summary of this thread: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=76644 . However, if you would like to read through the whole thing, you are most certainly welcome to.

Rundown of important players up to this point:
Tsuki = Me (37yo MtF Trans/Asexual/Mono)
Missy = My current girlfriend (21yo Cis F/Pansexual/Poly)
Van = Missy's Primary whom she lives with (37yo Cis M/Hetero/Poly)
Mika = Girlfriend of Van/Missy's roommate (21yo Cis F/Hetero/Mono)

Previously, in the other thread:
I have no poly experience, and I haven't had a relationship in 12 years. I was having some doubts about Missy's interest in me, but it turned out to be something else. Missy has demonstrated that she is still very much into me. I wanted to get some time alone with her to explain my feelings and hopefully resolve some unanswered questions, however Mika monopolized all the time we had together and so we still haven't had that conversation. Van came to visit me at work, and invite me to his home to get to know Missy's current love interest better. I accepted happily because I really like Van. He told me about getting Missy an interview at his new job in a town quite a distance away, and talked about moving out there. My entire relationship with Missy, was dependent upon my ability to walk to her home, from my home... both due to time and schedule restrictions, and the fact that I have a family to maintain... so our relationship seems to be in peril.

And that's where we left off I think!
__________________
The dark night sky separates us
To lay bare our hearts as they call out to each other
Cast off your useless trappings
Some things can only be seen
When you've lost everything

-Translated from "Kiseki No Umi" by Sakamoto Maaya
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  #9  
Old 10-13-2015, 01:33 AM
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Tsuki Tsuki is offline
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Default Journal #1 Dodging Bullets

In the epic tales, things always have a way of working out in the end. That's what makes a great story. The journey may not be what you anticipated, but the end result is the same. Frodo destroys the ring... Neo saves humanity... Himura Kenshin defeats Makoto Shishio and brings peace to Japan. That's what makes them great, the struggles, the losses, and the wounds they bear, only to end up victorious in the end. Real life is rarely as clean and tidy as the movies however. Sometimes though, sometimes things work out... at least for now.

I was up all night, worrying about the interview that Missy would be going to in the morning. I tried to consider different alternatives, options, and answers... but nothing that made sense, or were possible in the physical universe we occupy. I got maybe 4 hours of actual sleep and did my usual morning routine. I got dressed, got my son dressed, fed him, and walked him to school. I got back, sat on my bed and waited... then I passed out.

I woke up about 3 hours later and saw that her interview had been over for about an hour. I texted her quickly and jumped in the shower. I got out of the shower and her reply was that her interview was a huge flop. She got over anxious and started crying during the interview. The interviewer said that the job would likely be too stressful for Missy and it wouldn't be a good fit for her. I threw on my clothes and texted back "I am so sorry baby doll *Hugs*".

I sat there, on my bed for long moments and tried to sort through my feelings. On one hand, I was relieved, but on the other Missy was unhappy. I let the news sink in, and I considered texting her again, but I thought I should just leave her be for now. I went to go pick up my son and came back to do housework. As I was doing the dishes, Missy texted that she went to the mall for a couple things, and that made her feel better, but she was exhausted so she was going to take a nap. I texted her back, "I am glad you feel better! Sleep well hon! I left a little doodle in your apron pocket, just a heads up!". I frequently doodle cute little pictures of us cuddling, or hugging... this one was a drawing of her playfully biting my finger and a cute little heart above each of our heads. She texted back "LOL Dork! I will sleep very well! See you at work tomorrow".

So I sat and pondered for a moment, and now that Missy was feeling better, I gave myself permission to smile. It's strange; life. I was happy that she didn't get the job... if only that it will give us more opportunities to see each other in the near future. I know she NEEDS to either get a new job, or find a way to get 40 hours at our job. However, I feel like I dodged a bullet... for now. I know that eventually, things will change, for that is the immutable law of the universe. Change is always certain, but for the moment, I am relieved that things are staying the same, for at least... a little longer.
__________________
The dark night sky separates us
To lay bare our hearts as they call out to each other
Cast off your useless trappings
Some things can only be seen
When you've lost everything

-Translated from "Kiseki No Umi" by Sakamoto Maaya
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  #10  
Old 10-13-2015, 06:51 AM
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Tsuki Tsuki is offline
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Just a quick FYI... my friend just talked me into setting up a tumblr for blogging my random happenings. I will continue to post 'Missy updates' here, and other stuff there I think. If you're interested, you can find me here: http://lunanatsume.tumblr.com/

...Also my blog is going to have pics of me, and my art, ect... and it's under my real name, so if your curious, you can head over there and peek. I decided to use an alternate name here, because I wasn't sure if anyone I knew would be here as well, and I didn't want to cause any unnecessary drama. Anonymity was a preference, but having gained a new level of comfort with the people here, I am okay with the 'big reveal' LOL.
__________________
The dark night sky separates us
To lay bare our hearts as they call out to each other
Cast off your useless trappings
Some things can only be seen
When you've lost everything

-Translated from "Kiseki No Umi" by Sakamoto Maaya
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