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  #31  
Old 01-15-2011, 03:47 AM
lovinhimloviner lovinhimloviner is offline
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I can relate to your story more than any of them I have read so far I think. The difference is my husband fell in love with another straight girl. I never had a problem with it except maybe time concerns. He knows in his head it isn't "fair" to tell me that I can't have what he has but in his heart he just can't take it. He has suggested that I be allowed to date. He doesn't ask me to tell him anything he just says "I know you will tell me if I need to know". I am not looking for anything to happen but I will be open to it now. I love watching him being in love with her it makes me extremely happy. I am sad only because I know he will not feel the same way if it does happen to me. He said that he KNOWS there is no one that can replace me. He worries that there are LOTS of people better for me than him. It doesn't seem to matter that I tell him and show him that I love him a hundred times a day or that we have been in our honeymoon phase for 8 years and that we love each other more than either one of us ever thought possible. He is still afraid I will love someone more than him and that he will lose me.
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  #32  
Old 02-04-2011, 02:37 PM
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Default Temptation & our two month poly anniversary

It's now been two months since forming our poly vee: me, my wife (the fulcrum), and her OSO/wife. (The two of them were pining over each other for seven month's prior... so it's a total of nine months in some sense, but the vee itself was only formed two months ago.)

My wife's OSO is a solid mono... jealous over me, struggles being in a poly relationship, but at the same time is trying to make this work as a vee. She is a very nice, wonderful person. She would prefer to have my wife all to herself in a mono relationship, but she also know it would break my wife's heart to only have one of us, so she bears with it and attempts to be friends with me. And as I said, she is very kind-hearted, so that works for the most part.

My wife is both poly & mono. Huh?? She's poly, in that she formed the vee and wants to be with both me and her wife/OSO, in a polyfidelitous relationship. But she's mono in that she wouldn't want anyone else for herself... or for us. She only wants one man and one woman for herself... no more, no multiples. And she struggles like a mono (extreme jealousy, self-doubt, wondering what's lacking in herself, etc.) if me or her OSO would ever be interested in seeing someone else or falling in love with another partner. We've been married 17 years and known each other 20 years, 2 kids, and a wonderful, happy life together.

And me? I think I'm mono with some poly tendencies. I'm poly in that I feel great compersion for my wife and her wife/OSO being together... it is a great relationship for my wife, she glows when they're together. Plus I think I could take on an additional partner myself as well, if I found just the right person and we could all live happily ever after. But if not for my wife and her needs for a vee, then I would be the poster-child for monogamy... never look at another woman while married, never stray, completely dedicated and devoted, and not interested in participating in poly. A mono relationship makes me the happiest... again, if not for my wife's needs and how good her vee has been for her. Compersion.

Ok... now for the temptation. Over my 17 years of marriage, I met someone that I felt sparks for. Being a strict monogamist, I therefore put up emotional barriers with her, and we worked together professionally but kept it strictly professional. I'd love to have her join our poly family, so I went out with her (all with my wife's permission, of course). I found out that she has strong feelings for me too, always has since we first met, and that she would be with me "in a heartbeat" if I were single. That said, she's also monogamous, and therefore, would not be interested in dating if I'm still married, and definitely not poly relationships. Therefore, we decided to be friends while I figure out what I want, and she will be "waiting for me".

And my wife if flipping out over all this emotionally. Don't get me wrong, my wife even encouraged me to see her... she gave me dating tips, etc. But she is extremely jealous as well, even with us as just friends... that seems to make her even MORE jealous (because she sees the spark doesn't know where this will all lead).

I want to stay with my wife and kids. I also personally, strongly prefer a monogamous relationship, 'tho I can handle a poly relationship if my needs are met by it. My needs are mostly met by the vee, and when we all do things together, it's great. But there are times when it feels somewhat private or secretive, unequal, unfair, or alone. During those times, I feel like running outside screaming to go dating and find balance, solace, or normalcy.

So now I have a great temptation. I have my wife of 17 years whom I love, but she needs to be in a poly vee. And I have a strong love interest that I could live happily ever after with, but only in a monogamous relationship. I'm staying with my wife (because I love her so!) and believe I can put up living in a vee relationship. At the same time, I suspect I would be even happier starting a new life with the other woman in a strictly monogamous, traditional marriage.

So I guess that answers one question: am I mono or poly? Answer: definitely a mono, but open minded and with great feelings of compersion.

But I still have one other, very important question to answer: who should I be with? If the other woman would join our poly family (and if my poly/mono wife could handle her extreme jealousies, and her mono OSO doesn't kill me for bringing in another person into their vee), then it would be great and I could feel complete, whole, and happy. But that's not likely.

At some point, I suspect I'll have to make a choice, but in the meantime, I'm seeing both of them while I try to figure this all out. I'm confident that time will tell... I just need time to figure out what to do. On the plus side, we all love and care for each other, so no matter which direction it goes, we have the opportunity of keeping it loving and nurturing. It's just a matter of who of the four of us are married vs. lovers vs. just friends, plus the relationship dynamics. :O
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  #33  
Old 02-04-2011, 05:00 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Any poly person would have issues with this new woman you are seeing, she is and will continue to try and get you to leave your wife. She has stated very directly that she will NOT do poly and will "wait" for you. You really need to stop seeing her until you have decided if you are staying with your wife or if you are leaving. It's not fair to either of them.

Last edited by SNeacail; 02-04-2011 at 07:53 PM.
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  #34  
Old 02-04-2011, 07:50 PM
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Cowboy? I don't see how its fair that you should decide on one or the other. It sounds like this is your thought though, not on this other woman or your wifes. Confused on that.

I'm also not sure how knowing she's interested after mearly talking to her at work justifies your thoughts that you should maybe leave your wife for her. You barely know her. At least romantically anyways. You don't know enough to make a choice I think. Apart from this one time hanging out with her you don't know some important stuff. I'm thinking like whether she has the same values as you, compatible lifestyles. Loves dogs and owns ten and you hate dogs... Know what I mean?

It sounds like you do need the time you think you do. Do you think you would love them both? Do you think the vee you are in means you and your wife are done eventually? Is the demise of your relationship imminent do to her time being stretched to thin? What of your wifes one vagina policy? I think she has some work to do around that. All of you have some work to do it seems. I think that is what this woman has produced in your life more than should you decide who to be with.

Besides, the very few months you have been in this is way too short I think to make such huge decisions, but then, that's just me.
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  #35  
Old 02-04-2011, 09:10 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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There sure is a lot of mono in that poly dynamic. Sounds like a couple of cowgirls and some mules. Or something like that.

Why can't you just be open? Before poly there were those of us in loving OPEN relationships. Don't overthink it too much. You are capable of 2 romantic relationships. Welcome to non-monogamy

Anyways, in all of this, you can't force a square peg into a round hole. If the girl you are interested is monogamous...don't try and force poly on her by bringing her in. For some reason I get big red flag feelings from a potential quad...with 2 of the people being monogamous for the others. I think this could create a lot of problems, I would tread very carefully into that design. Also with you wife having jealousy problems...before I would consider getting involved with anyone, I would try to get that resolved if its even possible. Of course there will be a spark, its new.

Well my take anyways. 2 mono's...1 possible poly, 1 poly but insecure about the potential relationship of the possible poly...yep...tread carefully

Ari
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  #36  
Old 02-04-2011, 09:42 PM
monolicious monolicious is offline
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First,
Thank you so much for sharing your struggle with this.

The scenario you describe is one I fear I will find myself in eventually.

My husband (of 20 mono years) has recently gone poly. I am very much mono.

And as much as I love my husband (and I Really do- we have an incredible relationship), I find the poly thing extremely challenging.

Let me put it this way. I am an amazing, loyal, dedicated, affectionate, trusting, mono wife. But honestly, I hate the way I feel, act, think, struggle, when he is actively poly. I feel like I suck at it, that I suck at something I had previously been amazing at (my marriage). He doesn't think I suck at it. But that is the way I feel. It is like the difference between breathing air (which I like and have always done- and breathing something poisonous). And that comparison is apt because sometimes I feel like his poly is slowly destroying me. I thrive as a mono; I endure his poly. Conversely, he thrives in poly, and isn't sure he could endure mono for any length of time ever again.

I suppose one difference is that my husband is more than eager to have me develop outside relationships (male or female ones). He thinks that will be great (he is the eternal optimist But I'm not poly. So if I looked for an outside relationship, I have no doubt I would be drawn to (and seek) a mono one. And yet, the last thing he wants is for our marriage to end.

It all just doesn't add up to a happy ending.

I would say that given what you've said about your wife, I don't think she is very poly (at least not yet). It sounds like she is a mono person in love with two different people at the same time (which is not the same as believing and desiring many loves for yourself and others). It sounds to me like you are three mono people trying to make a vee work, which I'm sure must be incredibly challenging and I'm impressed with how you've all handled it so far.

I guess the one other thing I would say it that in every post I've read by you, I've felt overwhelmed by the pace you take, by how quickly you seem to need to resolve everything. And others seem to be responding as well with "Slow down. Take time to process. Don't rush decisions." etc.

Ambiguity is very hard for some people to live with. I know it is very hard for me personally, and sometimes I just want to make a decision so I can move forward in surety of what the hell my life actually is. I sense that in you, and as tempting as it is to do, I'd say, "Try to live in the ambiguity for a while." Don't make reactive decisions. Stew in your own emotions and process for as long as you can. There may be discoveries in that you never would have found otherwise.

Keep being brave and loving, and sharing your journey. You inspire me.
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  #37  
Old 02-04-2011, 10:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by monolicious View Post
Ambiguity is very hard for some people to live with. I know it is very hard for me personally, and sometimes I just want to make a decision so I can move forward in surety of what the hell my life actually is. I sense that in you, and as tempting as it is to do, I'd say, "Try to live in the ambiguity for a while." Don't make reactive decisions. Stew in your own emotions and process for as long as you can. There may be discoveries in that you never would have found otherwise.
I love this and agree entirely. Thanks for saying it.
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  #38  
Old 02-04-2011, 10:12 PM
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I love this and agree entirely. Thanks for saying it.
You're welcome. It actually helped me understand myself to voice/write it.
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  #39  
Old 02-05-2011, 12:20 AM
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Polymonial Polymonial is offline
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Default Riding the storm

First, a couple questions (forgive my ignorance, I'm still a newbie here)... what is the meaning of the following terms: Cowboy, cowgirl, and mule?

My ideal would be for this other woman to join us in an "N". I could definitely love both my wife and this other woman, and I think we could all be happy together, over time, if everyone could be poly about it. That said, I seriously doubt she would be interested, and even my wife (who started her vee in the first place) struggles with me having an OSO of my own. Therefore, for now, I'll be friends with this other woman but open to the possibilities as everyone gets to know each other. My wife and the other woman know and like each other, so maybe there's hope? In any case, it's a "E TICKET" ride!

If I left my wife, it wouldn't necessarily be for this other woman. Instead, it would be for a simpler life, which may (probably) or may not have this woman it. I could also just be single for awhile... that's cool too. Either way, I'll still always love my wife, her wife, and everyone else that's been somehow involved in this most complex of happenings. LOL

And yes... there's a lot of mono in this relationship. In fact, even my wife (who is the poly) feels she's actually mono... just mono in love with two people at the same time. She jokingly uses the term "bi-mono" for this. Monolicious is spot on correct when she says:

Quote:
Originally Posted by monolicious View Post
I would say that given what you've said about your wife, I don't think she is very poly (at least not yet). It sounds like she is a mono person in love with two different people at the same time (which is not the same as believing and desiring many loves for yourself and others). It sounds to me like you are three mono people trying to make a vee work, which I'm sure must be incredibly challenging and I'm impressed with how you've all handled it so far.
I think we're basically three monos in a poly relationship, but with very open minds to the possibilities and trying to make it work, 'through all the challenges. I'm just not sure how easy it is for a bunch of monos to maintain a poly relationship together in the long run? Usually, there's at least ONE poly in the group! ;-)

Quote:
Originally Posted by monolicious View Post
Ambiguity is very hard for some people to live with. I know it is very hard for me personally, and sometimes I just want to make a decision so I can move forward in surety of what the hell my life actually is. I sense that in you, and as tempting as it is to do, I'd say, "Try to live in the ambiguity for a while." Don't make reactive decisions. Stew in your own emotions and process for as long as you can. There may be discoveries in that you never would have found otherwise.
And I agree with this as well. My life and relationships are ambiguous right now, and that's ok. They'll work themselves out over time, and so long as we all continue with love for each other, open minds, and free communication, then whatever the outcome is (stay together, split up, etc.), it will be ok and we'll all continue to be best of friends... or more.

Ok... I feel some tears coming on, so I'm going to stop now. ;-)
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  #40  
Old 02-05-2011, 12:22 AM
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Oh... and as always, I want to thank all of you for your great replies. This is a wonderful group, and I am indebted to all of you and your support as I go through this journey!
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