Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 12-28-2010, 06:54 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Polymonial View Post
Ideally, if she could just give me a little space in the early days of my meeting someone (doesn't have to be long... just a week or two, or even less if we hit it off quickly), then I think the process would be a LOT smoother and everything / everyone would work out great.
That sounds reasonable and I think that is what you should do if it is what you feel is right. Have you said it to your wife the way you said it on here? Perhaps the next step is to invite her to read what you wrote on this forum and maybe she'll want to create her own profile. Remember that she does not have to tell any of US she's your wife unless she WANTS to.

Other than that, the way I look at it is: since you appear to have identified the root causes of her hang-ups and insecurities, there shouldn't be any need for rules that validate them. You two should examine WHY she has those particular conditional insecurities and perceived threats and work on eliminating that counter-productive mindset. Then you can meet potential partners any way that seems natural (dating sites and clubs are not as "natural" as meeting someone through mutual friends, but there is nothing IMPROPER about them) and not be hindered by manufactured external factors so much.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 12-28-2010, 07:09 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,211
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Polymonial View Post
She's also afraid that I could find an OSO very quickly if I tried, that I have a lot of "charm", and that I could attract not just nice people (for whom she's have compersion) but also axe murders.
Not to burst your bubble, but just so you two realize, from what married men say here in this forum, and what I've been told by the married poly guy I correspond with, it isn't that easy for men to meet poly-oriented women, especially if they're married. For some reason, married men are attractive in the monogamous/cheating world, but a married man who is polyamorous apparently scares many women off. So, although I don't understand why it would be such a bad thing if you found someone quickly (seems common for married poly guys to bemoan the fact that their wives found someone but they have not for a long time), she probably does not need to panic about that.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 12-28-2010 at 07:22 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 12-28-2010, 11:19 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
That sounds reasonable and I think that is what you should do if it is what you feel is right. Have you said it to your wife the way you said it on here? Perhaps the next step is to invite her to read what you wrote on this forum and maybe she'll want to create her own profile. Remember that she does not have to tell any of US she's your wife unless she WANTS to.

Other than that, the way I look at it is: since you appear to have identified the root causes of her hang-ups and insecurities, there shouldn't be any need for rules that validate them. You two should examine WHY she has those particular conditional insecurities and perceived threats and work on eliminating that counter-productive mindset. Then you can meet potential partners any way that seems natural (dating sites and clubs are not as "natural" as meeting someone through mutual friends, but there is nothing IMPROPER about them) and not be hindered by manufactured external factors so much.
I'm glad you said this Neon. I cringe at the very IDEA of rules at the best of times as it indicates to me a one sided arrangement where no one can move but the one who makes them. When I was given "rules" in my early years of poly I set out to break them, not respect them. Now we talk about what is behind them so that they lose their possesive edge and so that they can be negotiated and made into boundaries instead of "rules." I agree, taking about what the threats are is far more productive after a time than sticking to a "rule." The natural flow should be, as far as I am concerned, to work towards boundaries.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 12-30-2010, 08:17 PM
Deuce Deuce is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Calgary
Posts: 6
Default

Isn't this moving a little quick? From going from a completely monogamous mindest to having the OSO move in and you starting to date?
I would probably say to take it slow for now as the lifestyle change for you is the most dramatic and not for your wife.
Just seems odd to me that your wife would be so enthusiastic from the start of this less than two weeks ago to going into protective mode and equally as odd that you have made this transition from being devistated to completely embracing the new lifestyle.
That would be something to address before moving on anything regarding your situation.
Sorry for this being my first post.
D
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 12-31-2010, 01:44 PM
Polymonial's Avatar
Polymonial Polymonial is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 27
Default The relationship is progressing well

It's been about a month now since my adventures into polyamory began. Prior to that, I've never even heard of the word "polyamory", let alone know anything about it. My wife and I were a straight vanilla mono couple... at least, we thought we were. Now we're a poly vee, my wife is bi, her wife is lesbian, and ya... I'm still straight vanilla, but I have to admit, I'm starting to really like this! ;-D

The three of us all get along wonderfully. I can't wait until she can move in with us. We all have a much better understanding of our relationship now, boundaries, feelings, interactions, roles, etc. We've been able to open up to a few close friends, all of which have been completely accepting... and a couple of which were poly as well! In fact, it turns out that a few of my friends are poly, and I never even knew! We opened up to our pastor, and she was also very accepting and welcomed my wife's OSO into the church. The level of support we've received has been truly heartwarming.

I also recognize that this just the beginning of a great adventure together, one that has already rekindled the love, romance, and passion between me and my wife (we're having extreme-NRE... it's like a second honeymoon, better than our first even!), helped my wife to grow and blossom, brought another wonderful person into our family, and re-established a healthy (and fun!) quality of life and work/life balance. True, we all still have a lot of learning and growing to do together, and there will be some jealousies, misunderstandings, and hurt feelings from time to time. But that's all part of the progress, and even that can be endearing if taken on with caring, love, patience, acceptance, and a sense of humor.

God bless you all. I can't thank everyone here enough for all their help and support. I'm no longer struggling like I was, but I look forward to continuing to be active within this forum... and I'll undoubtedly be asking for more help as our relationship progresses! ;-)
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 12-31-2010, 08:01 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,594
Default

As someone with over 10 years of experience in polyamory, I'd also like to warn against moving your wife's lover (she calls her her "wife" already???) this soon. We've heard plenty of stories here of poly partners moving in too soon, and it going sour within a few months. The metamours both feel NRE, but that fades, and personalities can begin to clash. It was just 2 weeks ago you were shattered and now you're over the moon! Meanwhile your wife is struggling with jealousy towards your dating, and you don't even have an OSO yet! Please don't complicate things just yet with having a live-in lover. Be cautious and responsible. NRE makes us see things thru rose colored glasses, but those rosy colors can and do fade. We all idealize our new lovers and present our own best faces, but that illusion fades.

With luck, the real person behind the ideal persona is just as good or better. But it takes time to find out. Time and a few life challenges test their and your true mettle.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 01-02-2011, 01:57 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

agreeing with Magdyln here. Easy does it.. It's so great to hear things are going so well. Remember though, NRE lasts up to a year and longer. The realy dynamic of your relationship is yet to come. You are making a good start for sure, but just enjoy it right now.

If you do a tag search for "moving in" there are some really good threads on the topic. Our tribe really went through a process with it and got some really good help from this forum. We took it slow and after 18 months or so we made the move for him to move into the apartment we have in the basement of our house. Both he and I have written extensively on this in various threads. I wrote about it in my blog too. Please feel free to PM if you have any specific concerns or just want to talk about it.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 01-02-2011, 06:01 AM
Polymonial's Avatar
Polymonial Polymonial is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 27
Default Moving in and moving forward

I agree that moving in is a major step in any relationship, and with poly relationships, everything is that much more complicated ('cause there's more people involved). I know that the three of us have really only cleared the first hurtle in our joint relationship together, but that first hurtle was a doozie... it told us if we could even handle forming a poly family in the first place.

In order to accept being a poly family, I had to explore and be completely comfortable with all of my options, including divorce and remariage. I had to explore my feelings of jealousy and compersion. I had to experience first hand how it would feel to share my wife's time with someone else. And I had to re-think all of my values regarding relationships and sexuality, with a completely open mind and willingness to accept the outcome, whatever is it. It was a difficult process and challenged the very bedrock of my belief system (being a staunch mono and all). There were periods of time where I had no moral compass or role models to guide me through it, other than the unconditional love I have for my wife. In Christian circles, we refer to this as "agape love" (http://www.gotquestions.org/agape-love.html). I also prayed to God for guidance.

(Did I mention before that I'm a romantic and a Christian. Damn... I'm just about as vanilla as they come! LOL)

From day #1, I've always felt compersion for my wife in recognizing she is bi and finding/falling in love with her wife. (I'm no longer going to refer to my wife's wife as an "OSO" because that implies a letter position in the vee. As far as I'm concerned, we're both my wife's primaries.) I saw the positive effect that all this all had on my wife, and something that wonderful can't be all bad. ;-) Furthermore, I like my wife's wife too... not in a romantic way but as a friend. She's a great person, and we all get along wonderfully. I'm sure that helps a lot in making a vee work.

One by one, I overcame my various concerns and jealousies while reforging and redefining my relationship with my wife, until there was really just one remaining issue... could I handle sharing my wife's time with someone else? I didn't think I could; I thought that may ultimately be the deal-breaker in all this, and I was mentally prepared to handle the consequences. But by having my wife's wife stay with us, we were able to resolve this last major issue / fear and figure out how to make it work for everyone. It was an eye opener, and it was the last major fear or hangup I had. I now just left with compersion for this new relationship, and I see it as wonderful. I still have jealousies from time to time, but they're more "cute" than hurtful.

Bottom line: I look forward to having my wife's wife move in is because it moves our relationship forward in a positive way. That's not to say we won't have challenges... everyone does, even mono couples after almost 20 years of marriage. But we'll all be together to resolve them, together, and become stronger in the process. And if ultimately this relationship is not meant to be (which I doubt), then that will become apparent as well and we'll address that too. Either way, moving-in is our next logical step, and we're (naively perhaps) plowing forward! Yea! ;-)

One funny side effect (that I didn't expect) of all this exploration is that I feel a step closer to being poly myself. I love the idea of adding one more to our family over time and adding a couple more kids. I don't know if we'll ever do this for reals... it's more of a long-term vision than anything we want to do right now. For the time being, I'm focused on continuing to rebuild the relationship with my wife. We have a lot of fun dating planned, catching up for lost time! ;-)
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 01-02-2011, 07:03 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,211
Default

Communal living is a challenge. I was just reading a thread about triads on another poly-focused forum, and I thought this quote might be helpful to you:

". . . many people looking for "moresomes" have little experience with roommates, & that rarely recent. It's a sweet little fantasy, but the reality of opening up your house & your life to a new person minute-by-minute is far more difficult that mere sex."

Just be as prepared as you can for the possibility of unforeseen bumps in the road.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 01-02-2011, 11:50 AM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,594
Default

Polymonial, please read the OP on this thread.

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...ighlight=moved

Heartbreaking story of how NRE led this couple to move their lover in, only to have the woman of the original couple change her mind a few months down the road.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
boyfriend, cohabitation, dating, lessons, new dynamic, new dynamics, new partner, newbie, opening up, triad, triads

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:05 AM.