Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-02-2011, 02:30 AM
Openman Openman is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 8
Default Sharing my story to poly so far...

After years of struggling with my monogamous relationships, and after 10 years of marriage, I have come to believe I am poly and want to try it out.

Recently, I realized that, all along, the "trouble" with my marriage was not my wife and what I perceived to be her faults, but it was me and my (unreasonable) expectation that one woman can fulfill all of my desires for intimacy,love and sex. It's a pattern that I've had in all previous relationships, all monogamous.

What spurred this insight on was connecting with a woman I've known very casually for about four years but have seen infrequently and briefly. We always had an easy connection and I had a crush on her the second I met her. Two weeks ago, we ran into each other at the store, and later, she went out of her way in the parking lot to catch up to me to chat. We have traded sessions (we are both healers) twice since then, and plan on one next week and more ongoing. It was in the midst of spending time with her that I realized that my wife cannot meet all of my needs. At first, my impulse was to somehow end my marriage for this other woman. More serial monogamy!

I told my wife about my feelings, stating simply: "I apologize for trying to get you to be someone you're not all these years. You are not broken or defective. You are perfect the way you are, but I've realized that I don't think any one woman can ever meet all of my needs (I wasn't thinking poly at this point, but just stating my feelings)." I left it there, and after thinking a long time, my wife thanked me for my courage and honesty and said, "I believe we can figure out an arrangement where we all get our needs met." We have beautiful 2 year old daughter and a relatively stable and low stress life and she was surely considering that I might want to move out.

That night, I realized that I wanted to continue to live with her and my daughter, but I also wanted to be free to explore other relationships. So the next day, I asked my wife if that was something she would be open to, and she said that it felt like the right thing and I should go for it!

Over the week, I opened up more and more to my wife and she met each opening with love and support. She knows the woman I have a crush on and was even approving of my taste when I told her! I've been completely blown away by the love I've felt from my wife in the last week and I have more affection for her than ever.

We've had the best sex ever in our marriage in the last week (she has even said so) and I love her more deeply than ever, and I have found myself completely unfazed by things that I used to not like about her. I can finally just enjoy her for who she is, and not see her as inadequate. She too, has relaxed as she feels no pressure from me anymore to be someone she's not.

And I am giddy at the prospect of dating this other woman. I have no idea if she has any feelings toward me. I suspect she might, but it's hard to tell because she knows I'm married and is not the type to have an affair (I'm quite certain). We are going to see each other next week and I'm planning on just telling her straight away about the change in my marriage--she knows there are changes going on, as I alluded to it last week, but didn't give her specifics because it wasn't clear to me where it was going at that point.

I realize that poly is a huge cultural mindshift and many folks just can't go there. So it could be that this woman likes me, but has no interest in a poly arrangement. Or, it could be that she doesn't reciprocate my feelings, married or not. She's a single mom (that's ideal for me, I prefer women with kids now that I have one!), and I think she has no partner currently, but she's very unconventional and has a strong independent streak.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much because I'm well aware that this could go nowhere. And even if she's not interested, I'm convinced I'll meet someone to date (I'm not interested in casual sex) as my life has always brought me what I needed.

I'm particularly curious to hear if anyone has had a similar story, and how did you approach someone that your marital arrangement has changed? I'm leaning toward telling her very briefly of our change and see if she is curious, but am not settled on this either.

And, thanks for hearing this, it's great to get it off my chest!
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-02-2011, 01:16 PM
bassman bassman is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Surrey UK
Posts: 262
Default

I'm new here, and dont have any advice, but Welcome!

And I'm very interested to see how it turns out for you - it sounds like your wife is an amazing woman!
__________________
Male M, struggling noob.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-02-2011, 01:39 PM
Zenferno Zenferno is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 13
Default

My story is eerily similar, but only 5 years of marriage and I had always thought the deficiency lie with me, not my spouse. When I approached my Paramour I was pretty straight forward. I asked her if she'd like to date and when she asked about my being married I gave her a brief sum up of poly and and said our marriage was open.
__________________
Late 20's bisexual, 2 years in a triad.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-02-2011, 03:28 PM
crazycanis crazycanis is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Columbia, Missouri
Posts: 6
Default

Welcome to the forums!

Please keep us posted on how your female friend takes the shift in your marriage commitment and whether or not she's open to that.

One word of caution to consider. In my now almost 8 months of searching for a female partner that is open to poly relationships I found one woman. During our 1st few dates things went very well, but once she met the wife, the false reality she created to deal with the situation was shattered. She is on longer a romantic interest but we did manage to maintain the friendship. I think men and women both sometimes talk themselves into it (poly) before they really understand what that means, which could spell trouble. The ONLY way to prevent that is complete honesty on all sides.

Good luck and I look forward to hearing more about it....
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-02-2011, 10:22 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,633
Default

Wow, what a great start! my caution would be to realize that you might be in NRE over poly and while you think it's all great, others might not. Its a great start and this woman might be receptive but don't dismay if she isn't. She might need time to come around and she might just be the catalyst you needed to start this journey with others coming up in the future. Take your time, take a breath and try and look at it all holistically and from a birds eye view. That's what has worked for me anyway.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-03-2011, 12:36 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,229
Default

I don't have much to add, but I just wanted to say that OpenMan sounds like a poly superhero.
__________________
The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 11-03-2011, 12:42 AM
Openman Openman is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 8
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Wow, what a great start! my caution would be to realize that you might be in NRE over poly and while you think it's all great, others might not.
Yes, I certainly feel NRE and I'm enjoying it fully while recognizing that it will change and be more 'normal' or perhaps even lead to some disappointment.

I'm really glad I've got a two week break (it's been a week since I've seen her) before I see this woman again. I need time to integrate this profound change in my system. Some of the initial rush is waning and I'm feeling much more grounded about it all rather than being overly giddy. I can literally feel my body opening and softening in a really lovely way....my wife even noted it while we were making love in my office today

We live in a large town and not inclined to tell anyone except my two best friends who I know can hold my confidence. And, I'm in a profession where it could be badly misinterpreted by potential clients, so we're being very discreet about this.

Thanks so much for the support!
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 11-04-2011, 11:47 PM
cheryl cheryl is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 28
Default

So will your wife be seeing anyone else, and are you okay with that as well?
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 11-05-2011, 12:26 AM
Openman Openman is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 8
Default

My wife is certainly welcome to see other people, how could I ask otherwise? At this point, she chooses not to. I think she's monogamous by nature. She's also an artist who has had to drastically scale back her work to take care of our child. I asked her the other night if she dreamed of having another lover and she said, "my Muse is my other lover." And based on twelve years together, I have no reason to think otherwise.

For my own purposes, I have frequently visualized her with one of my best friends who is a kindred spirit of hers. It felt ok to me, no negative visceral response. I've been doing that occasionally knowing that she may have a lover some day and it would be good to feel into it ahead of time for some practice and to make sure I'm not holding a double standard.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
new to polyamory, nre, opening a relationship

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:04 PM.