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Old 04-12-2013, 08:32 AM
FreeLoveDove FreeLoveDove is offline
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Default Poly lifestyle questions

Hello there. I am a newbie and wonder about a few things that maybe you can help clear up? I am excited to meet other poly friends so as to strengthen my beliefs with a healthy attitude, etc.etc. Of course finding someone to become close friends with and something leading towards companionship would be great, but so far while looking through the personals threads, it seems that most posts are from couples looking to find a bi girl to join the sex triangle as a new found discovery of their sexual desire to spice it up. Forgive me if that is assuming too much. I am sure that the discovery of being poly has the potential to happen to anyone at any time in their life, whether it be during a time they are in a committed relationship or not. For me, I am on this forum to meet others who are interested in making connections with people that are sincerely genuine and not focused on fulfilling a sexual role. So here are my thoughts...

-If a couple decides to be poly and seeks a "bi girl" to join the relationship, how can this be poly? Am I confusing the idea of poly with pan? Maybe I am. I suppose I am a bi-sexual poly or maybe a pan sexual poly... but there are in fact all three hetero and homo and bi sexual poly people...?

-Based on experience, I would be quite skeptical of a couple claiming to be poly while seeking only a girl to join them because if they genuinely wanted to expand there circle and leave room for the possibility of sexual encounters, wouldn't they also like to invite a male for the satisfaction of sharing love in a open way.

-My idea of poly is that one has many lovers... Period. Meaning that ONE person has many lovers. A straight couple seeking another female, who would therefore be the secondary simply by definition, would be more polygamy. Which is not bad either, at all. But does polygamy and polyamory get smeared when considering this scenario?

-My concern is that if a couple goes hunting together, that one of the persons in the relationship might still be attached to the idea of monogamy and may simply be conceding to their partner's desire to be poly and so joins in the pusuit half heartedly. I myself would like to find various one on one companions with varying levels of shared interest and/or intimacy and if perhaps one day they should overlap and form a closer union of more than two, great! But only if all persons are whole heartedly content. (I have been approached by men in commited relationships who simply want to have a side relationship with me but do not want to tell the main girlfriend. I can't help but wonder if someone who has cheated and starts to feel bad about it opens up the idea of being poly in order to get their committed lover to accept that they are no longer monogamous... Or is no one really monogamous and we all just try it because it's a cultural thing...)

Please please do know that I ask these questions out of sincere acceptance of all those seeking their passion and full expression of self. I am just new to this community and am curious about it. I would love to hear from some of the couples seeking and hear there side and why they believe it is poly. I would also like to hear from those people who are in a relationship that seek other relationships one on one without necessarily seeking together.

Thank you thank you for reading and sharing thoughts. I'm curious and look forward to learning more
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Old 04-12-2013, 10:59 AM
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Many on this forum have a "big tent" understanding of polyamory, defining the term simply as openness to having more than one committed, loving relationship at a time.

This can take many different forms, including closed triads. Remaining single and having many lovers, as you describe, is sometimes called "solo poly", or sometimes "network" or "cluster" poly, depending on who knows whom. There are also Vees and Ns (and Ws) and quads and DADT arrangements with "play" partners . . .

However, if you look for posts on "unicorn hunting", you'll see that many on this forum share some of your concerns about couples seeking to "add someone special" to their relationship.

It's not that such an arrangement cannot work out equitably for all three partners, but that there are a number of factors stacked against such an outcome, including the extreme difficulty of locating a "hot bi babe" (the community's term, not mine) willing to enter into such an arrangement on short notice.
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Old 04-12-2013, 01:22 PM
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Another note, is that this isn't really a site to find people to have a relationship with. There's a lot of dating sites for that and people have discussed them before. Not that it's impossible to find someone on here that you click with just like anywhere else.

Mostly this is a forum to discuss, blog, ask questions. It's more a forum for people to commiserate and all that.

Now, I understand what you are saying about the 'unicorn hunters' and to be perfectly honest, you have probably stumbled into the area where people are either introducing themselves or asking about others in their area. Many times these couple post that they are looking for someone but don't actually participate in discussions going on here.

That's a misrepresentation, I feel, of the couples that ARE active here. As someone that has been married and then came out poly, it gets a little exhausting to explain over and over that not EVERYONE is in it for a perfect little triad or quad. That not every couple is putting unrealistic and unfair expectations on partners.

I, for example, am pan. While I would love more relationships with women, romantic or otherwise, I do not put out there that all I want is a woman. I most certainly do NOT put out that they have to be secondary or interested in my husband as well! I look for relationships, period. Whatever form they take, male female, serious, long term, short term, they sort of evolve from that person. Not a preconceived notion of what will work.

That doesn't mean that there aren't things I have in place as far as the boundaries of a relationship but everyone has those. They are the things we personally are or aren't comfortable with. They are because I have children and becoming a part of my life long term or intimately means at some point the kids know and possibly there's involvement there. However, that would be the same if I were single with kids.
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Old 04-12-2013, 02:12 PM
FreeLoveDove FreeLoveDove is offline
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Default Thank you

Thanks for the insight! I understand this forum is not to meet up for relationships. I was looking through the personals posts and just looking for a little insight about it all.

I have been in dating sights too and just got turned of by all the couples who would contact me looking for a HBB to please them. Now that I am not on the "dating" sites and on this forum, when I saw similar postings I was a little surprised to find pretty much the same in those posts. That is all.
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Old 04-12-2013, 02:18 PM
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Please don't get the wrong idea about polyamory from the "personals ads" here. That area is full of newbies looking for their hot bi babe to be added to their marriage. Yuck. Hate it. It's a common newbie mistake however. Having 2 women is the most common sexual fantasy of men. If he has a bi wife, they reckon, voila! Let's get ourselves a gf to "share."

Is it a fantasy of most women to be a shared toy for a married couple? No. And secondaries like that, when those relationships do happen, are often treated like shit, pardon my French.

Most people here, married, coupled or not, date as single people. Finding themselves a significant other, one on one. Occasionally, one person's OSO is attracted to his or her metamour (partner of their partner) and 3 way romance/sex/love can happen. That is key, letting it happen, not coming in with the expectation of a triad or quad where all 3 or 4 are equally attracted to each other and always ready for orgies.
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Old 04-12-2013, 04:29 PM
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Oh and dating sites for women are just hard. I know men have it hard, in that women don't reply much. For women, it seems to be the opposite. I have in my profile that I am poly, that I have a husband and a boyfriend, that i am NOT into casual sex, I do NOT date couples, I will NOT have a 'discreet affair', all parties must be on the same page aware etc. I still get those people that did not bother reading my profile. Couples that ask about a date, men who are all, hey wanna meet up for some 'fun'? That's just the price of admission on those sites! I weed through. For every 10-15 I find someone I can actually talk to!

Newbies, especially couples, are not aware of how they look to outside eyes. They also, most of the time, haven't done the research. so they haven't really figured out their own issues and instead go into poly assuming that they can expect to find that one special person who will bend and just deal with their issues. If they are insecure or worried and so want to do EVERYTHING together, others just will deal! If there's one thing I've learned in poly it's that hiding your issues and not dealing is hard in one relationship. In multiple? Nearly impossible without destroying the relationships. It's as if your own personal issues have no where to hide! So really you can be difficult and expect everyone else to deal, but sooner or later, you are going to have to do your own work on yourself.
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Old 04-12-2013, 08:16 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Because the term "poly" is relatively new, I think it does get used a little loosely and poly seems to have a obtained a proverbial black eye because of it.

I personally believe it is irresponsible to become involved with someone without meeting whoever else they may be involved with. You would be amazed at what gets rationalized and miscommunicated between partners when someone tells you that their partner is aware and OK with them seeing other people, as often that may not be the case. Unless you know them fairly well, the only way to know for sure is to meet their SO. Maybe I have just had bad luck, but I think meeting in person is very necessary if you really want to know.

It's not that people are necessarily, intentionally being deceitful, but sometimes in the process of "figuring it out" when a person talks with the SO about other people they are "friends" with, the terms they use are vague. Being vague causes trouble and the trouble it causes is common until specific language is used and it will wreak havoc in your life and you will want to avoid relationships with people who do not fully understand aftermath of being vague when you need to be specific.
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Old 04-12-2013, 09:13 PM
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I am one of the people who takes issues with the "unicorn" hunters. But it is their life and they are allowed to search for their heart's desire.

My poly experience is my own and I can not speak for others.

I am a straight female. Have absolutely no interest in women what so ever sexually. I have a husband of almost 12 years and a boyfriend of a year. I have no interest in beyond my guys. They fulfill my needs. I do not do casual sex.

I consider myself in a Vee with me as the hinge between my boyfriend Murf and my husband. Murf is mono. My husband has play partners. They just partake in BDSM play only no sex even though I have laid out rules in case things go to that level. His partners keep trying to gather a tribe around themselves. I warned Butch that it was going to get ugly with the different personalities involved and it has. The central unit on their side is a couple who are unicorn hunting. Luckily my dh has kept himself out of the mess other than being who everyone seems to run to with their problems.
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Old 04-13-2013, 01:53 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FreeLoveDove View Post
I suppose I am a bi-sexual poly or maybe a pan sexual poly... but there are in fact all three hetero and homo and bi sexual poly people...?
Polyamory is just a structure or approach to relationships. Anyone who desires multiple loving relationships can practice polyamory if they are willing to meet the challenges it presents, whether they are straight, gay, bi, pan, ace, whatever. There is no requirement to be bisexual to have multiple relationships!

Quote:
Originally Posted by FreeLoveDove View Post
-My idea of poly is that one has many lovers... Period. Meaning that ONE person has many lovers . . .

. . . I myself would like to find various one on one companions with varying levels of shared interest and/or intimacy and if perhaps one day they should overlap and form a closer union of more than two, great! But only if all persons are whole heartedly content.
Great! You have a pretty clear idea of what you want. Sounds like you are single and wish to practice "solo poly." There are others here, including myself, who fly solo also. I am straight, and my ideal is to have several lovers, and I also like to keep my relationships separate - no poly tribe for me.

For some more viewpoints from other solo polyfolk, go here to this thread: Solo poly people - what's your ideal?. Feel free to contribute your own post to it.
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-13-2013 at 01:56 AM.
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Old 04-13-2013, 02:49 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is online now
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I am bi and poly.
My husband is hetero and poly.
My boyfriend is hetero and mono.

There's many ways it can be configured.
In our situation, whilst I am poly and choose to have two lovers, my husband is poly but chooses to have only one lover at this time and my boyfriend is mono he has one lover and doesn't see that changing.
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