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  #21  
Old 04-20-2013, 04:37 PM
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Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
So G is the one who is saying he wishes he had been with B this whole time? (I'm so confused with all the names.)

I guess forgiveness is one thing as long as the behavior doesn't continue. Also, G owes you an apology.
G wishes he was J. he does yes, he is making some repairs on our relationship.
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  #22  
Old 04-20-2013, 04:40 PM
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Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
Sweetie, you sound like a place holder. He rushed home after your first date because he missed her? It sounds like he is just not that into you. It does not matter if he said that six months ago or six minutes ago. He still said it, and it had to hurt. He has selective memory.

You had series of bad dates. I would have left then. He wants her so bad? Let him go and be with her. Why would you want to be with somebody so cold? You want to cuddle and he tells you to go? The nerve.

You deserve to be treated with respect and love. You also deserve someone who is not rushing to end dates or asking the other person to stay the night on your date night. That is BS.
yes very good points, he knows that this upset me and that is what I worry about if it isn't with her it may be someone else, he sees their relationship as a good thing but I see it as poison.
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  #23  
Old 04-20-2013, 05:26 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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I believe that the only people who are a threat to a relationship are the two people in it. Even in a nonmonogamous situation, each relationship really is between one person and one other person. It is ultimately only those two people who can make it or break it. G or B or J or whichever one you're married to is the only one who can "poison" your marriage. The female of the other married pair can't do anything to your marriage or relationship with your spouse unless you and/or YOUR SPOUSE ALLOWS IT. Your husband is the "poison" i'm afraid, not her.

The thing about poison is that some of them such as cyanide kill you quickly. Others such as arsenic and mercury build up little by little over time and kill you slowly and give you all sorts of diseases that you try to cure without getting to the root of the cause which is to stop eating the fruit from the tree growing next to the hazardous waste landfill.
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  #24  
Old 04-21-2013, 12:47 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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How about SHOWING it then? Like not taking you for granted and talking mixed messages that cause pain? Make up his mind to be with you, love you, and not alienate you so you want to leave him by demonstrating loving/kind behaviors?
I told him this and he just says I should leave him if I am so unhappy, so he is not willing to take this onboard, he just sulks and tells me to go because when I get home and I have been away from him all day I want a cuddle but he won't even look up from the pc.
All that sounds like he's emotionally detaching.

You want something from him he is just not willing to provide right now, and maybe not in future or at all.

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maybe I don't know as he doesn't know. I try talking about it and we fight.
To me it sounds like he does know. Maybe you aren't ready to hear?

It is hard to tell just reading.... you are there and live it. But it sounds like perhaps you could believe him when he says he loves her more, and behaves like he rather be with her.

It's hard to take and digest. I know you have to finish going through the grieving process to arrive at the "acceptance" stage of it. It's easy for forum people to see it without the emotional ties than for the actual people in the situation. But it sounds like he's broadcasting pretty clear. Just too wishwashy to say it out right -- "I want to break up with you."

This dangling along thing sucks.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you could be in "bargaining stage" to me in the stages of grief. You said ok to him seeing her with no sex... hoping maybe that he'd give you loving/kindness in return because he gets some of what he'd like? But you are getting nothing here.

On the other hand, it is further along than "shock/denial" in the process so... you kinda are making progress? In yourself at least? That at least is something right?

Hang in there. You aren't suffering alone out there. People see you.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-21-2013 at 12:52 AM.
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  #25  
Old 04-21-2013, 07:51 AM
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
I believe that the only people who are a threat to a relationship are the two people in it. Even in a nonmonogamous situation, each relationship really is between one person and one other person. It is ultimately only those two people who can make it or break it. G or B or J or whichever one you're married to is the only one who can "poison" your marriage. The female of the other married pair can't do anything to your marriage or relationship with your spouse unless you and/or YOUR SPOUSE ALLOWS IT. Your husband is the "poison" i'm afraid, not her.

The thing about poison is that some of them such as cyanide kill you quickly. Others such as arsenic and mercury build up little by little over time and kill you slowly and give you all sorts of diseases that you try to cure without getting to the root of the cause which is to stop eating the fruit from the tree growing next to the hazardous waste landfill.
thank you, I guess because she is the person who is involved in the hurt, I get mad at her as well like when she didn't use a condom, she put off taking the pill and told me afterwards it wouldn't be a big deal if she got pregnant and everyone would be happy. it may not be her that can break this relationship but she is helping a lot.
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  #26  
Old 04-21-2013, 08:15 AM
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All that sounds like he's emotionally detaching.

You want something from him he is just not willing to provide right now, and maybe not in future or at all.
that is the thing, its too early to tell, yesterday he sat by me and stroked my hair because I was sleeping and then sat by me when I woke up, he doesn't do this but it felt nice but there is a little feeling is he doing this because he wants to or because he is trying to keep me happy so when J does become single he can have her?

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To me it sounds like he does know. Maybe you aren't ready to hear?

It is hard to tell just reading.... you are there and live it. But it sounds like perhaps you could believe him when he says he loves her more, and behaves like he rather be with her.
I think maybe he does but doesn't want to tell me the truth, all I have got from him is:

he loves us both the same ( so its changed now)

he gets jealous when J sees someone else but its them and not him and I live with him so I am always with him.

I know he thinks that if he got with her when we broke up or when he was in uni with her ( he didn't know her then) he may not have got back together with me.

Quote:
It's hard to take and digest. I know you have to finish going through the grieving process to arrive at the "acceptance" stage of it. It's easy for forum people to see it without the emotional ties than for the actual people in the situation. But it sounds like he's broadcasting pretty clear. Just too wishwashy to say it out right -- "I want to break up with you."

This dangling along thing sucks.
I am so torn... yes he has said some shit things but I still love him but its like he has settled for me, he is here but only because he has to be. a few weeks ago he said:

''I am only here because I have no other choice''

he said he said it to hurt me and he didn't mean it.

we need to talk, I want to know how he really feels if he is happy being here.

Quote:
I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you could be in "bargaining stage" to me in the stages of grief. You said ok to him seeing her with no sex... hoping maybe that he'd give you loving/kindness in return because he gets some of what he'd like? But you are getting nothing here.

On the other hand, it is further along than "shock/denial" in the process so... you kinda are making progress? In yourself at least? That at least is something right?

Hang in there. You aren't suffering alone out there. People see you.
thanks gg I didn't see it like that, I know G and J, so many times I asked them not to have sex and they still did it so no I don't trust them and may never will trust them, I can't see anything changing, if he got back together with her, they would still act selfish. why should I let him be with a woman who he caused some much pain to be with.


or don't I have a choice? xx
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  #27  
Old 04-21-2013, 08:27 AM
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... she didn't use a condom, she put off taking the pill and told me afterwards it wouldn't be a big deal if she got pregnant and everyone would be happy.
Was this with your shared partner or with someone else?
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  #28  
Old 04-21-2013, 09:47 AM
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Was this with your shared partner or with someone else?
the first time she didn't use a condom with my primary partner G, she said if she got pregnant with gaz, her partner B would be happy because he would love to just be a father ( not true, he only wants her having his children)

the second she did it, it was with S her ex, it had no affect on me but clearly she didn't learn and hurt B.
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  #29  
Old 04-21-2013, 01:06 PM
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. . . so many times I asked them not to have sex and they still did it so no I don't trust them and may never will trust them, I can't see anything changing . . .

why should I let him be with a woman who he caused some much pain to be with.
Well, you don't "let him" do anything - it's not about giving permission. It's about having personal integrity regarding YOUR OWN boundaries of what you will accept in your life and what you will not. You state them clearly and directly. If your partners step over those boundaries and you do nothing about it but complain and still accept it, then you are training them to do it again. As long as there are no consequences, your boundaries don't mean anything.

Furthermore, I think you are focused too much on HER. Why not just look at HIM. HE is not honorable, HE steps all over you, HE speaks to you in a way you should not tolerate, HE is the one you do not trust. Why do you stay?

LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH! Healthy relationships need more than love to be satisfying and nurturing to those involved - relationships require respect, consideration, and caring.

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or don't I have a choice? xx
Honey, you always have a choice. Wouldn't you rather walk away with your head held high, building your self esteem, than to be cornered and ground down by the stress of being treated as less important, less appealing, less anything? You have value, now act like it!
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  #30  
Old 04-21-2013, 02:39 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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To answer the second question in the title of this thread, now that people have answered the first one and it isn't helping:

No, jones. I don't think you can move past this. I think you are stuck there, you do not have any choices except to wait for G to decide what he wants and if he decides to be with J, then you should be quiet and make it as easy for him as possible. If he wants you to be there while they hang out or have sex, then you should because it will prove that you love him more than she does. Maybe he will change his mind and decide he loves you more than her after all, or at least ALMOST as much. Just make sure you do whatever you can to keep G happy, otherwise you will NEVER move past this.
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