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  #11  
Old 04-18-2013, 03:37 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I know I would walk right out the door if someone I loved said such hurtful things to me. Loves someone else "more than" me? I can't quantify love in amounts like that and find it distasteful that anyone would say that! And to my face? That is mean and cruel. Wishing he met her first and was "with her instead" of me? Fine, good, go for it and good luck - you don't deserve me. I've got better things to do than waste my time with someone like that.

Why do you think it's okay to stick around with someone who speaks to you that way and isn't interested in investing in a relationship with you?

I know it hurts but think about it - you can do better!
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  #12  
Old 04-18-2013, 04:10 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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You start loving yourself enough to expect to be treated decently. You tell him if he's not happy with you, there's the door. And you get on with life, focusing on who you want to be, the life you want to live, what you want to have to look back on one day that will make you proud of who you have been.

I know it's easier said than done, but sometimes seeing the way clearly is the first step. I think you're still looking for a magic answer to give you a happy life with a man who continues to do hurtful things, and there is no answer. I'm sorry.
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  #13  
Old 04-18-2013, 05:08 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Why do you want to be with someone who says that kind of shit to you?

Aren't you the same person who was in a quad with another couple and the woman of the other couple doesn't love you anymore, never loved you in the first place, loves your male partner and is pretending to love you in order to get near him, and you love her so much you want to know how to work things out so that you can all be one big happy poly family? Is that you or do i have you confused with someone else? If it is you, are these still the same bunch of people? The reason i ask all this is because the alphabet soup looks familiar.
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  #14  
Old 04-19-2013, 06:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
No matter how you slice this whole thing it is going to hurt.

I am so sorry you are going through stages of grief right now. Hang in there. Eventually you will get through the stages to arrive at acceptance and then be able to decide things with less pain. Maybe it helps to know the stages names and monitor yourself as you work your way through? You might wibble up and down but the overall trend getting better?

Do you self care that you need.

People see your struggle -- you aren't struggling alone.

Namaste,
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yes that is very true, it still hurts.

yesterday morning we spoke, he said she means so much to him and he can't and won't stop talking to her, I said if she was single would have date her and he said yes, I said to him that it still hurts and everything he said:

he explained: saying he doesn't get jealous if I sleep with someone else he would not get jealous but if she did it he would get so jealous because he didn't get to see her as much (as they don't live together) so that is why he thinks he doesn't love me as much.

J said he said ages ago he wish he never got back together with me, he is saying he doesn't remember this but he would, wouldn't he? he doesn't want to lose me and loves me so much but it hurts, he has known her for a year and known me for ten years, we have children, this feels like a lie.
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  #15  
Old 04-19-2013, 06:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I know I would walk right out the door if someone I loved said such hurtful things to me. Loves someone else "more than" me? I can't quantify love in amounts like that and find it distasteful that anyone would say that! And to my face? That is mean and cruel. Wishing he met her first and was "with her instead" of me? Fine, good, go for it and good luck - you don't deserve me. I've got better things to do than waste my time with someone like that.

Why do you think it's okay to stick around with someone who speaks to you that way and isn't interested in investing in a relationship with you?

I know it hurts but think about it - you can do better!
well the bit about loving her more and wishing he was with her was via text, I was on the way to my bf's at the time.

I told him I needed a day to think away from him, stayed with bf for a bit, he is my best friend too so we talked about it, while he was at home talking to J but he would allow me the time to heal and deal with this and work out what I wanted to do, he wanted a answer right away, I have told him if he EVER got back together with her I would leave him.
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  #16  
Old 04-19-2013, 06:50 AM
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Why do you want to be with someone who says that kind of shit to you?

Aren't you the same person who was in a quad with another couple and the woman of the other couple doesn't love you anymore, never loved you in the first place, loves your male partner and is pretending to love you in order to get near him, and you love her so much you want to know how to work things out so that you can all be one big happy poly family? Is that you or do i have you confused with someone else? If it is you, are these still the same bunch of people? The reason i ask all this is because the alphabet soup looks familiar.
yes sadly that was me, J and G were happy for a long time, B didn't want what I wanted so we worked on it, B was so unhappy with J being poly, he wanted out and he broke up with us, for months J would only talk to G and me a few times but only to shout at me, it all started when she said she felt she had to date me to date G.

I do love her yes but right now and for a very long time I do not want a happy poly family, not with her, she has done so much, broken my heart, lied to me but to G she is prefect and special.

B has left J now so G will be dating her soon enough and I'll be leaving him but I still need to think on the now, can I keep forgiving G? what will happen next?
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  #17  
Old 04-19-2013, 07:37 AM
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So G is the one who is saying he wishes he had been with B this whole time? (I'm so confused with all the names.)

I guess forgiveness is one thing as long as the behavior doesn't continue. Also, G owes you an apology.
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  #18  
Old 04-19-2013, 01:18 PM
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he explained: saying he doesn't get jealous if I sleep with someone else he would not get jealous but if she did it he would get so jealous because he didn't get to see her as much (as they don't live together) so that is why he thinks he doesn't love me as much.
So he's taking your for granted and devaluing you because you live with him? Explaining that doesn't make it any kinder/loving here -- "I love you less because I can take you for granted." Sheesh!

Quote:
J said he said ages ago he wish he never got back together with me, he is saying he doesn't remember this but he would, wouldn't he?
How long ago was this? A LONG time? If so, how about not grinding on the past? Because it is past and you have enough present probs?

But if this was recent past and still applies -- it just adds to the load. Him saying he doesn't remember? He either really doesn't or is lying. Another notch on the "taking for granted" stick then.

Quote:
he doesn't want to lose me and loves me so much
How about SHOWING it then? Like not taking you for granted and talking mixed messages that cause pain? Make up his mind to be with you, love you, and not alienate you so you want to leave him by demonstrating loving/kind behaviors?
Quote:
but it hurts, he has known her for a year and known me for ten years, we have children, this feels like a lie.
Of course it hurts.

He treats you with less than loving/kind behavior if he's telling you things like he doesn't love you "as much" because he can take you for granted.

You are grieving... and not ready to accept and make an action choice of your own.

But keep a journal, write all these things. Behavior done/not done. Remember that even without her, you state he does not meet your needs.

So maybe this isn't about her really? Could it be about growing apart in general and digesting that?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-19-2013 at 01:20 PM.
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  #19  
Old 04-20-2013, 07:59 AM
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Quote:
How long ago was this? A LONG time? If so, how about not grinding on the past? Because it is past and you have enough present probs?
I only found out this on tuesday but he told J this at least six months ago or more that he thought he loved her more and J says he told her be said he wishes he didn't get back together with me. he still says he doesn't remember saying this (maybe he doesn't want to remember this?)

I told him last night if he got back together with J I would leave him, but he doesn't want to lose me so he wouldn't date her and then it changed to ' what if I have a romantic relationship with her ie no sex but he'll still go on dates, kiss, hugs and tell her he loves her. I said no, the more he talks about the more I feel yes saying yes ok fine, last night I sent a text that I wish I didn't send. I know if I don't do this he will resent me, he told me this a very long time ago.

I gave in and said yes because I want him to be happy, 100% happy which I can't do and G can't understand that having a relationship with her should be enough to make him happy because she is in his life but no he wants a relationship with her.

he is confused, I said how can you love someone more than me who he has been with for ten years, how can he love someone more who he has only known for a year, to which he said more time doesn't equal more love.

Quote:
How about SHOWING it then? Like not taking you for granted and talking mixed messages that cause pain? Make up his mind to be with you, love you, and not alienate you so you want to leave him by demonstrating loving/kind behaviors?
I told him this and he just says I should leave him if I am so unhappy, so he is not willing to take this onboard, he just sulks and tells me to go because when I get home and I have been away from him all day I want a cuddle but he won't even look up from the pc.

when he was daing J, she use to babysit so we can go on dates. our first date he wanted to rush home because he missed her. ( sucks right?)

second date out: he got home and B was with us too and the first thing he did was sit next to her and hold her hand and talk to her. ( he has never done this to me)

third date: we had a lovely night out, he took me to the park, cuddled me on the swing ( something he did with J on a date with her) but we got home and wanted J to stay, on our date night, J left and gave us time alone ( good for J)

he put some much work in those 8 months than he has ever done with me.

Quote:
But keep a journal, write all these things. Behavior done/not done. Remember that even without her, you state he does not meet your needs.

So maybe this isn't about her really? Could it be about growing apart in general and digesting that?
I will thanks gg

maybe I don't know as he doesn't know. I try talking about it and we fight.
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  #20  
Old 04-20-2013, 12:35 PM
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FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Sweetie, you sound like a place holder. He rushed home after your first date because he missed her? It sounds like he is just not that into you. It does not matter if he said that six months ago or six minutes ago. He still said it, and it had to hurt. He has selective memory.

You had series of bad dates. I would have left then. He wants her so bad? Let him go and be with her. Why would you want to be with somebody so cold? You want to cuddle and he tells you to go? The nerve.

You deserve to be treated with respect and love. You also deserve someone who is not rushing to end dates or asking the other person to stay the night on your date night. That is BS.
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