Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 04-20-2013, 08:23 PM
SingletonRW SingletonRW is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 8
Default Looking For Advice

My wife and I have started a poly-fidelity relation ship with a man we have been friends with for over 5 years. I have known for years he had feeling for my wife and never had a problem with it. My wife and I have been married 18 years and together 21. My wife and I had discussed her having a relationship outside our marriage since I am away from home so much. Once I explained to her why it was not cheating, because I knew about it and approved, she warmed up to the idea. And of course our friend was the obvious choice.

It started as a threesome about three months ago. When I am home we are all three together, and she sees him when I am gone. We are all happy. We are planning on a commitment ceremony and all three living together and sharing the same bed.

The only rules we have is openness, honesty, and to discuss with each other any uncomfortable and jealous situations. And nobody else is brought into our relationship.

We are just looking for advise from others so we don't make mistakes that will hurt someone.

My wife's newest husband is also 18 years younger, so we realize that the day may come that he wants to start a family of his own.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 04-20-2013, 08:36 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 384
Default

My first question. With the realization that he might want to have a family of his own one day (a legally recognized spouse, his own children), would you allow him to continue to be with you guys or would you say good bye even if there was still the love between you?
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
N8: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: N8 girlfriend
Ruby: Part of the Leather Family
Logan: Leather Sir in the Family
Arc: Logan's boy
Holly: Leather family
K: Holly's sub
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 04-20-2013, 09:13 PM
SingletonRW SingletonRW is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 8
Default

I think that if he decided he wanted a traditional family, we would have to let him go. He would not need to start a new relationship without the commitment to that person. If we allowed our relationship to continue, that would only hurt someone and that is something we are not willing to do.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 04-20-2013, 10:07 PM
Vixtoria's Avatar
Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 299
Default

Why do you assume it would hurt someone? Ending it will probably hurt him? It makes it seem like you are only willing to be in a relationship with him if you can have him all to yourself.

I know I have also worried about if BF finds a woman to date and wants to be serious, settle down have a wife and kids. However, I have TALKED to him about it. I have let him know that, yes I would love to still be in his life, however, I would not make him choose. If we can only be friends, or even have to end things in order for him to have that relationship then I would do that. He deserves the life and loves he wants. I have not told him that if he wants another relationship that I would end things with him. That seems too much like a threat.

So have you asked HIM what he wants or is it just if you can't have him all to yourself it's too complicated and then you'd end it?
__________________
Me: Late 30s pansexual poly.
DH: My husband of 19 yrs and father of 3 teen girls.
DC: LDR of +4 year
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 04-20-2013, 10:47 PM
SingletonRW SingletonRW is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 8
Default

We have talked about this with him. We told him that if he ever decided he wanted the traditional life, that we understood. He says he does not want that and wants to be with us always. But wife and I also realize that he is only 31.

As far as continuing to see him, we really have not put a lot of thought into that one. It just seems if he wanted the traditional, that would include monogamy. Or at least from his partners point of view. We would want to continue seeing him, just not behind another persons back. If he was open and honest with that person, and they agreed then maybe so. It's not we want him all to ourselves, we just don't want anyone to get hurt. I see your point of it hurting him and I guess we would have to leave that decision up to him.

I know what it feels like for a spouse to have an affair and just don't want to be the cause of anyone else feeling that betrayal and pain. This might just have to be one of those bridges you cross when you get to it. then again, we may never have to cross it.

thanks for your reply, it gives me a different perspective on the subject
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 04-20-2013, 10:57 PM
SingletonRW SingletonRW is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 8
Default

Addition to last post

We will always continue a close friendship with him. He has been a good friend for years and don't see anything changing that.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 04-20-2013, 11:14 PM
CattivaGattina CattivaGattina is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 384
Default

Why do you assume that if he wants to get married he would only find a person who wanted monogamy? Neither you nor your wife are monogamous despite being married.
__________________
Cattiva: Me
Woodsmith: My husband
Tighearn: boyfriend/dom
Merry: Tig's wife/slave
N8: Merry's boyfriend/owner
Elle: N8 girlfriend
Ruby: Part of the Leather Family
Logan: Leather Sir in the Family
Arc: Logan's boy
Holly: Leather family
K: Holly's sub
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 04-20-2013, 11:43 PM
SingletonRW SingletonRW is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 8
Default

Very true. I guess that is just my former views coming out. Just assuming that the traditional is normal. Thanks for pointing that out. That's why we are looking for advice. We all kinda jumped in head first. We do talk about things all the time, just no real depth on this subject, just assumed.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 04-21-2013, 01:35 AM
SingletonRW SingletonRW is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 8
Default

Wife is also looking for advice on dealing with our children. They both are grown 24 y/o daughter & 19 y/o son. They learned of this by accident and oldest thinks it is disgusting and refuses to accept it. She constantly asking where mom is, what she is doing, when she is coming home and who we are with. Our son is gay and really don't seem to have major issues with it. Both still live at home. We are trying to figure out how to best deal with them.

We feel that we have sacrificed for so many years to provide for them, and now it is time for them to provide for themselves. And that we should now be able to live our lives as we determine is best for us.

Are we wrong in our thoughts
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 04-21-2013, 03:09 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,622
Default

You say it well yourself. So say it to them. You could tell the adult kids...

Quote:
We love you. But you are adult now. We feel that we have sacrificed for so many years to provide for them, and now it is time for them to provide for themselves. And that we should now be able to live our lives as we determine is best for us.
And spell it out for the rest -- guess what? Our house. We're the parents, the landlords AND your neighbors.
  • As parents -- we love you. But you are grown up and so are we. All adults here can play like adults.
  • As landlords -- Here is your rental agreement. Sign lease. Or move out.
  • As neighbors -- we try to live nicely side by side. Here is your roomie agreement. Otherwise go complain to the landlord.

The economy is what it is. So if adult kids have to return to the family home -- treat it like business. There's many online templates for rental agreements. Then everyone is playing like grown ups here.

Quote:
Are we wrong in our thoughts
Nope. Not wrong in your thoughts to want to live your life in peace like you like it in your own home.

So she doesn't like it/acccept it. That's nice. She doesn't have to like the things you do.

Where is problem? She being mean to mom? Rude to BF? Acting out? Otherwise it is just her not being wild about one of her neighbors. So? Live on.

You expect your adult kids to behave politely to guests in your home should they run into BF in your home. If they live in your home? You are their landlord. Don't like paying rent/doing chores in exchange for room/board here? Move out. Buddy up with friends and split an apartment.

Adult kids don't like the comings and goings of the parents and parent guest people in the house? Work it out with the landlord, adjust your attitude, or move out. What else is there?

Just because this is "a house with adult bedrooms" in it rather than "an apartment building with adult apartments" in it... no different. Out there in the world you STILL deal with the landlord and getting on with the neighbors. You don't have to like the neighbor's dog, their music, their friends. So long as people are maintaining basic polite? You deal. Or you move out. And if you cannot move out? You put up with it.

And guess what? YOU act out? The landlord has a thing called an "eviction notice."

The parent expectation/promise in my home was that parents would help give you a leg up, launchpad you into first flat and then wean you off. My parents helped me move out to my first flat since I was still a college student person with roomies. I worked PT. Each term mom would call me and go "Kid, new term. What's the check this time?" And I'd tell her something like "I need tuition, car insurance... maybe X for rent help. I can do Y for rent, grocery, gas, clothes, books on my own."

Each term I'd try to give her a number less than the time before.

It was a nice/proud day for both of us when she called me up and asked "Hey kid. What's the check this term?" and I could reply "Guess what? Zero. Send me a $0 check for me to hang on MY wall this time. You got your check on your wall. My wall is naked."

(When I got my first non-family job as a junior in HS she bought the check off me for cash because she wanted to hang it on her wall as the first dollar/paystub I ever earned. So I was ribbing her. )

Your relationship with the kids will change many times over the years. Encourage your young adult children into their adulthood. Not just in their financial independence and chronological age maturity, but their other maturities too.

How she feels about your polyship and handling those feelings -- that emotional maturity.
How she relates to all of you -- that's her social maturity.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-21-2013 at 04:14 AM.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:30 AM.