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  #1  
Old 04-17-2013, 12:15 AM
SSmith SSmith is offline
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Unhappy Should me and my wife just call it quits?

I am a mono trapped in a poly relationship, she wants it, I do not.

I love her dearly, but when isn't love enough? Every time she fools around or sleeping with one of her partners I feel cheated on, literally sick to my stomach. It doesn't turn me on in any way whatsoever to think of her with her partners (all female). Attempting to compensate I try to begin my own relationship but I feel nothing and more then likely will let it fail. She tries to urge me to be "open" but I feel like it's her way of not feeling guilty if we are both doing it, if that makes any sense.

The reason I have not it quits yet, is because I cant put my finger on what is bother me.

I am not especially jealous, I see the person as competition more then anything else. I have no problems personally attracting women to me, so it's not a confidence thing. I have no issue with the lifestyle in itself, just the thought of her being with someone else makes me ill.

I want her to be happy, and it's almost like I love her so much I wanna leave her so my feelings don't mess with her poly "inner self".

TLDR - I am miserable, I dont want her to be miserable to make me happy. And Id do anything to save us and figure out how to work through this.

Thank you.

Last edited by SSmith; 04-17-2013 at 01:31 AM.
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  #2  
Old 04-17-2013, 03:56 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default Do you have children?

If you don't have kids, and you are that distraught, but cannot figure out why, some time away might help you figure it out. A couple of weeks or months with no contact might make it real clear that whether you don't want to live without her or better off not together.

Sometimes people think they want something or don't want something, and they are so sure about it until they don't have it or until they get it.

Of course, it would be a much much better if you could figure it out without doing that. But if truly have honestly talked yourselves blue in the face and you there are no more words to say, what else can you do?

Just make sure you really cannot communicate any more than you already have, because it is human nature to fool ourselves into believing we did everything we could, but I find if I am being real, for me anyway, if I am not careful I'll take the easy way out. Which would be to claim I can't take any more, but unless I am really at my wits end, it is more like trying to pull strings to get my way.

What does your wife say when you talk to her about it?

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 04-17-2013 at 04:00 AM.
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  #3  
Old 04-17-2013, 04:07 AM
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nancyfore nancyfore is offline
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Have you asked her to take a break with her partners for a little while so you can work through your feelings?

Starting other relationships isn't going to help with the problems of the current one and it isn't really fair to the women you would be in a relationship with.
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Old 04-17-2013, 04:59 AM
Nox Nox is offline
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One of the tricks is figuring out how to learn deep inside that you aren't in competition with her lovers any more than you're in competition with her friends.

It isn't easy at all. I'm struggling with it the evening... again. But it's less than normal, so there's hope.
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  #5  
Old 04-17-2013, 01:08 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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It is up to you.

Is this a HARD LIMIT? Like polyshipping is just NOT your cup of tea and never will be? No amount of time will ever change the fact that for you, you like your romances to come in a monoship shape?

Is this a SOFT LIMIT? One that could change in time because the problem is not polyshipping in general but HOW she is doing it right now? You have objections to some of her polyshipping practices?

Since sex is the trigger... is it her moving too fast into sexual relationships before you can know/trust the person with your beloved? Unsafe sex practices that put you at risk? Something else? Is the sex share poking you not in your "Physical health bucket" but in your "mental health" bucket -- arousing jealousy things like fears of abandonment or other kinds of jealous like how you fit into her life NOW?

If you know deep down it is a hard limit... let her go. As hard as it is, choosing an end point and short term break up suffering is better than no-end-in-sight continual suffering.

If it is a soft limit and you really want this for yourself too, perhaps schedule an honest talk about the HOW she approaches polyshipping right now and what could be improved so you can feel physically safe, emotionally safe, mentally safe, and spiritually safe. So you can work toward being comfortable and happy in polyship.

Hang in there!

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-17-2013 at 07:16 PM.
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  #6  
Old 04-17-2013, 01:59 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Drill down to the essence of what is underneath your discomfort. Keep asking yourself "why does this make me nauseous," "why do I hate it," "and why did I consent to this?"

Here are some ideas (you don't have to answer them here, but these are just food for thought, for further self-examination):
  • Do you think your repulsion to her other relationships has to do with some cultural and familial beliefs that were drilled into you at an early age about what relationships are supposed to look like?
  • And/or about what marriage is supposed to look like?
  • Do you feel like your masculinity or manhood is threatened if your wife is with someone else?
  • Do you, somewhere in your thoughts and beliefs, view her as "belonging to" you? In other words, is this about possessiveness and a sense that she is being "taken away" from you when she is with someone else?
  • Do you ever experience feelings of being inadequate when you think of her with other people?
  • Do you have underlying issues/prejudices with same-sex relationships?
  • Does she make time and effort to be fully with you, have romantic dates with you, and give you what you need from her while balancing her other relationships, or is she caught up in NRE (New Relationship Energy) and ignoring you to some degree?
  • Do you ask for what you need?
  • Do you view sex as more threatening than emotional involvement? Or visa-versa? If one is okay with you but the other is not, keep asking yourself what your logic behind that is.
  • Did you and your wife set up boundaries to help each of you manage this, or did you both just throw yourselves into it willy-nilly, winging it (with you possibly feeling like you have to go along or be more permissive than you wish) without discussing clearly any areas that make you uncomfortable? If not, then start negotiating.
  • Did you acquiesce and go along with allowing a poly arrangement when you really didn't want to, and now you are dealing with the fallout, ie., feeling victimized or coerced, or mad at yourself for not speaking up or betraying yourself?
  • Do you have enough other things in your life (hobbies, friends, activities, passions) that satisfy you or do you make her the center of your world?
It always helps me to just keep making inquiries whenever I am struggling with something. Not to just accept, "I am feeling this way or that way," but to ask myself what factors have contributed to that. Many feelings arise out of our thought processes and belief systems, and the more we become aware of what kinds of beliefs are running inside us like "default programming," and how our minds work, the better able we can just let those thoughts come up without paying credence to them or letting them run our lives and create emotional storms.

Hope this helps you. Have you done any reading about poly? I recommend Opening Up by Tristan Taormino.
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-17-2013 at 02:32 PM.
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  #7  
Old 04-18-2013, 05:02 AM
SSmith SSmith is offline
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I am doing this by cell phone, so forgive spelling andIll try to answer all the questions.

We have 2 kids, six and two. We recently spent 6 months apart and we came back together wanting the relationship to work.

We communicate very well (this time, the first time not so well) and she understand my feelings and was the once that directed me to this site.

The poly was not rushed, she has had 2 partners in the last 3 years.

She says she told me she was poly going into the relationship (I don't remember) and the first 4 years of us being together we were mono, she then decided she wanted the poly lifestyle. So after a kid and wonderful mono relationship I was forced to accept her as poly.

I am unsure if I have a soft or hard limit. I will never be apart of a triad. That isn't for me. If I formed a relationship with someone else of my own, it would be so I would be more like her. Not because I actually cared for the person I was in a relationship with. (Which is unfair to everyone)

Sex is the trigger but I don't know whether its unsafe or not, to save myself pain I refrain from asking about it at all, she is a lesbian and has only had relations with woman, so I don't know how unsafe that can be.

Last edited by SSmith; 04-18-2013 at 06:33 AM.
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  #8  
Old 04-18-2013, 05:14 AM
SSmith SSmith is offline
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  • Do you think your repulsion to her other relationships has to do with some cultural and familial beliefs that were drilled into you at an early age about what relationships are supposed to look like?
    No, I have nothing wrong with any of the sexual lifestyles in the world, I am extremely open minded.
  • And/or about what marriage is supposed to look like?
    It hurts me that she is enough to fill my world, but I am not enough to fill hers.
  • Do you feel like your masculinity or manhood is threatened if your wife is with someone else?
    No
  • Do you, somewhere in your thoughts and beliefs, view her as "belonging to" you? In other words, is this about possessiveness and a sense that she is being "taken away" from you when she is with someone else?
    No, maybe in the sense that I have to share my time (I work a lot and crazy hours) with another person that I want to be spending with her.
  • Do you ever experience feelings of being inadequate when you think of her with other people?
    No
  • Do you have underlying issues/prejudices with same-sex relationships?
    No
  • Does she make time and effort to be fully with you, have romantic dates with you, and give you what you need from her while balancing her other relationships, or is she caught up in NRE (New Relationship Energy) and ignoring you to some degree?
    No, we are sexual and loving , more so when in another relationship though, which is disheartening.
  • Do you ask for what you need?
    Don't understand this question.
  • Do you view sex as more threatening than emotional involvement? Or visa-versa? If one is okay with you but the other is not, keep asking yourself what your logic behind that is.
    I think both bothers me equally, but the sex is the one that makes it real.
  • Did you and your wife set up boundaries to help each of you manage this, or did you both just throw yourselves into it willy-nilly, winging it (with you possibly feeling like you have to go along or be more permissive than you wish) without discussing clearly any areas that make you uncomfortable? If not, then start negotiating.
    We have boundaries. Very reasonable too.
  • Did you acquiesce and go along with allowing a poly arrangement when you really didn't want to, and now you are dealing with the fallout, ie., feeling victimized or coerced, or mad at yourself for not speaking up or betraying yourself?
    Yes.
  • Do you have enough other things in your life (hobbies, friends, activities, passions) that satisfy you or do you make her the center of your world?
    I am a gamer, but she hates that I do it and tries to control it. I have lots of friends and keep myself easily entertained.

Last edited by SSmith; 04-18-2013 at 05:16 AM.
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  #9  
Old 04-18-2013, 05:14 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I am unsure if I have a soft or hard limit. I will never be apart of a triad.
You do not have to be in a triad. But you ARE in a polyship right now. A "V" of 3 people.

(you + [wife) + GF]

The wife is the shared sweetie hinge person in the "V."

The question is if you want to STAY in this polyship like it is.

Quote:
If I formed a relationship with someone else of my own, it would be so I would be more like her. Not because I actually cared for the person I was in a relationship with. (Which is unfair to everyone)
Then you seem to know that you are monoamorous. (The want, desire or capacity to love only one person at a time.)

It seems like you may be facing this question:
  • Am I monoamorous for myself but willing to be in a poly relationship configuration as a V-arm with wife as the hinge?
  • Am I monoamorous for myself and willing to be only in a monogamous relationship configurations?

Quote:
Sex is the trigger but I don't know whether its unsafe or not, to save myself pain I refrain from asking about it at all, she is a lesbian and has only had relations with woman, so I don't know how unsafe that can be.
So you experience pain. This does not feel safe to you. (Mentally safe -- because this causes painful thoughts? Emotionally safe -- because this causes painful feelings?)

You could examine more deeply like NYCindie suggests, to determine if you have a soft or a hard limit on this.

Then if it turns out to be a hard limit? It just IS. A monoship is your preference for relationship model so you can feel best in.

Neither shapes are right or wrong in general. But when you guys do not match in desired shape? It's not matching, and not compatible.

Have you both talked it out? Considered if breaking up IS the most healthy thing here for all parties? Don't avoid having the conversation just because it is scary or sad or...

Could accept this is just a stinky time right now for BOTH.

Could decide to speak to FUTURE then -- where is the path to a less stinky future for both then? So both can arrive there? What is each willing and not willing to do?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-18-2013 at 05:20 AM.
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  #10  
Old 04-18-2013, 06:40 AM
SSmith SSmith is offline
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Thanks for the replies everyone, sadly this thread hasn't helped me at all. It just repeat things I already know and questions I've already asked myself. Thanks for your help though. I will continue browsing other threads and see if others experiences will help me more.

The only question that really matters is if it's a soft line or a hard one, all others are irrelevant really.


Thank you again.

Last edited by SSmith; 04-18-2013 at 06:54 AM.
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