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  #41  
Old 04-18-2013, 04:27 PM
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Originally Posted by KerrBear View Post
To throw another confusing wrench into this all. My husband brought over my bf today as a surprise. I honestly think he's okay with the poly thing but then sometimes he's not. I don't really know what polymath score we are right now. . .
My ex-husband used to say I had an alcohol problem, and then when I'd say the heck with it, and not have any in the house, he'd bring it home for me, because he "felt bad."

It was very fraught with mixed messages, ended up just proving to him that I couldn't "give it up" and kept me completely confused as to what I could trust and what I couldn't.

You can control this. If you don't want the three-way stuff because it leads to problems, don't even do it when your husband brings him home. Don't give him that control to keep you off-kilter. If this is your decision, own it. Easier said than done, but I wish you the best of luck...
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  #42  
Old 04-19-2013, 02:03 AM
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Go to your bf's place and let your husband stay at home!!!

And I don't understand why hubby gets upset if your bf treats you to dinner - with most poly partners who complain about spending, it is just the opposite issue. They get upset when they feel they have to shell out money for their partners to see other people, while their metamours don't spend enough in their opinion. Your husband definitely has a possessive streak and seems to feel he owns you. He needs to grow up a little - everything he has done sounds so out of control and a bit immature.
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  #43  
Old 04-19-2013, 02:14 AM
KerrBear KerrBear is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Go to your bf's place and let your husband stay at home!!!

And I don't understand why hubby gets upset if your bf treats you to dinner - with most poly partners who complain about spending, it is just the opposite issue. They get upset when they feel they have to shell out money for their partners to see other people, while their metamours don't spend enough in their opinion. Your husband definitely has a possessive streak and seems to feel he owns you. He needs to grow up a little - everything he has done sounds so out of control and a bit immature.
I would LOVE to go to my bf's place, but right now he lives with his parents so that wouldn't be a good idea.

Yeah, I don't completely understand my husband's money issue either. He says it's because he cannot afford to take me out right now so he feels it as a slap to the face when my boyfriend can.
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  #44  
Old 04-19-2013, 03:06 AM
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It all sounds passive agressive to me. Just my own view.
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  #45  
Old 04-19-2013, 04:47 AM
KerrBear KerrBear is offline
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Originally Posted by choctaw103 View Post
It all sounds passive agressive to me. Just my own view.
Okay? What do you mean?
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  #46  
Old 04-19-2013, 07:41 AM
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Hmmmm, I'm thinking your boyfriend could use a bit of that extra cash of his and move into his own place ...
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  #47  
Old 04-19-2013, 04:03 PM
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Originally Posted by KerrBear View Post
Okay? What do you mean?
This is a textbook example of "passive aggressive". I see people labeling things as "passive aggressive" when they are just sarcastic or evasive. The real meaning of "passive aggressive" is when a person tells another person what they think the other person wants to hear, then they go and do whatever they want anyway.

Your husband is telling you what you want to hear "i'm ok with this, you go ahead and do it" then he is doing whatever he wants anyway, which is counter-productive to the type of relationship he said he was ok with.

It's obvious to me that your husband sees your boyfriend as a thing and not a person. Boyfriend is a sex toy who is "allowed" to be kept and played with by you as long as husband had the final say about who does what, when, and for how long.

YOU and BOYFRIEND are allowing this to be done to yourselves. If you like it, keep doing it. If you don't like it, stop. You are in control of your own choices. Strangers on the internet cannot fix this for you. You have to fix it yourself.

You know what this situation reminds me of? Ever try a new food where you eat a whole plate of it and still can't make up your mind whether or not you like it? Yeah, me too, that. I think you DO like this dominant-controlling sex thing your husband does, and i think your boyfriend tolerates it in order to be with you.

I do not envy you folks one bit.
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  #48  
Old 04-19-2013, 04:22 PM
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Here is a really good site that explains passive aggressive behavior and how to deal with it http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/a...a/Pass_Agg.htm

Do your own google search on passive aggressive behavior and see what comes up. When I did this, I recognized that my husband fits about 80% of the classic descriptions. Learning how to deal with this type of personality can make communicating much more effective.

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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
This is a textbook example of "passive aggressive". I see people labeling things as "passive aggressive" when they are just sarcastic or evasive.
Sarcastic and evasive are passive aggressive. I'm sure we are all guilty of passive aggressive behavior on occasion, while others make a habit out of it. When looking at a list of 10 items, I found 2 I do on a regular basis, while my husband does about 8, all of which he denies and provide excuses for. His denial doesn't make it any less passive aggressive.

Last edited by SNeacail; 04-19-2013 at 04:27 PM.
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  #49  
Old 04-19-2013, 05:01 PM
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I apologize for not having much to add, except that I would agree that it does seem to be a passive aggressive relationship, stated in agreement with others who seem to think so.

I simply wanted to tell you thank you for sharing your plight and thank you to those who have added in their two cents. This has provided me with a wealth of knowledge. (I wish you luck)
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  #50  
Old 04-20-2013, 07:05 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Here is a really good site that explains passive aggressive behavior and how to deal with it http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/a...a/Pass_Agg.htm

Do your own google search on passive aggressive behavior and see what comes up. When I did this, I recognized that my husband fits about 80% of the classic descriptions. Learning how to deal with this type of personality can make communicating much more effective.



Sarcastic and evasive are passive aggressive. I'm sure we are all guilty of passive aggressive behavior on occasion, while others make a habit out of it. When looking at a list of 10 items, I found 2 I do on a regular basis, while my husband does about 8, all of which he denies and provide excuses for. His denial doesn't make it any less passive aggressive.

Sarcastic is sarcastic and evasive is evasive. They are only passive aggressive if they are used in a passive aggressive way, that is, to pretend one is agreeing with something that one has no intent to follow through with. I can be sarcastic or evasive without being passive aggressive. They don't go hand in hand with each other by default.
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