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  #21  
Old 04-17-2013, 05:54 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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"my husband calls my bf a MUTT and starts demanding him around like he's beneath him"

Wait, what? A mutt? Like, a dog? Or is it a reference to being of mixed race? And is this puppy-play/race-play/humiliation-play/whatever-it-is a consensual kinky thing, is your bf into it too? Cuz, if not, between this and the emotional abuse (being randomly yelled at), I'm beginning to get really concerned for your bf's emotional safety in this relationship.........
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  #22  
Old 04-17-2013, 06:00 PM
KerrBear KerrBear is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
"my husband calls my bf a MUTT and starts demanding him around like he's beneath him"

Wait, what? A mutt? Like, a dog? Or is it a reference to being of mixed race? And is this puppy-play/race-play/humiliation-play/whatever-it-is a consensual kinky thing, is your bf into it too? Cuz, if not, between this and the emotional abuse (being randomly yelled at), I'm beginning to get really concerned for your bf's emotional safety in this relationship.........
We are into the puppy/kitty play. My bf introduced it to me (us) and we've been experimenting with it. The Mutt gig is mostly for me though. My husband calls him Mutt at work sometimes but it's mostly when they are just messing around. In the bedroom, it's also for play but my bf sometimes doesn't like it. My husband is very dominate naturally and my bf is more in-between and because of the dynamics (my husband is the boss because he's letting me fuck his wife) type feeling he has, he doesn't voice himself to my husband. However, he does with me.

For example, when I was on top and making love to my bf, my husband was watching and jacking off. He came up and cam on me and made sure to sprinkle my bf. It pissed my bf off and turned him off so bad. He still is mad about it and my husband practically told him that was payback for taking me out to dinner and fucking his wife. . .
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  #23  
Old 04-17-2013, 06:21 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Woah woah woah. Does your husband understand that he's doing things sexually to your bf that your bf doesn't want, but that he feels coerced to accept these unwanted sexual activities (including getting ejaculated on and being verbally humiliated, wich are not at all un-serious forms of activity) because of his financial dependence on your husband? I mean, this may not be "rape" in the sense that your husband isn't fucking him, but "coerced, unwanted sexual activity" is WAY WAY WAY too close for comfort! I am waving the largest red flag I can find right now and begging you both to stop creating such an unethical situation!!!

Please be clear, that I am the most pro-kink person you will ever meet, it's not about that.

Would you be letting this continue if your husband was coercing a female co-worker into types of sex she didn't want???? Where is your personal responsibility in standing up and saying "you can't treat anyone this way without their consent, especially not someone I love"????

So upset right now.
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  #24  
Old 04-17-2013, 06:37 PM
KerrBear KerrBear is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Woah woah woah. Does your husband understand that he's doing things sexually to your bf that your bf doesn't want, but that he feels coerced to accept these unwanted sexual activities (including getting ejaculated on and being verbally humiliated, wich are not at all un-serious forms of activity) because of his financial dependence on your husband? I mean, this may not be "rape" in the sense that your husband isn't fucking him, but "coerced, unwanted sexual activity" is WAY WAY WAY too close for comfort! I am waving the largest red flag I can find right now and begging you both to stop creating such an unethical situation!!!

Please be clear, that I am the most pro-kink person you will ever meet, it's not about that.

Would you be letting this continue if your husband was coercing a female co-worker into types of sex she didn't want???? Where is your personal responsibility in standing up and saying "you can't treat anyone this way without their consent, especially not someone I love"????

So upset right now.
He's not his employer, just a manager. He doesn't have the right to fire him or anything, just that he gets to tell him what to do. My husband would never go and get him fired.

Also, I did stand up and tell him that wasn't cool. Why do you think I'm bringing it up now? My bf wont because he is "use to being mistreated".

This is a complex thing and I don't think my husband thinks there is anything wrong with it. My bf doesn't voice up but I have on several occasions and my husband gets upset and circles around about how horrible he has it because I'm not spending enough weekends with him and how he feels he can't provide for me financially. It's talking in circles with him. Trust me, I'm NOT okay with my husband being mean to my bf but I'm also wanting to make sure my husband is not feeling slighted either. I don't know how to manage this because I've never done this before. It's why I'm here. . .

How am I creating an unethical situation? Every time my bf has come over, everyone has been happy. Then my bf leaves and he texts me all the things my husband did wrong. I then have to talk about it with my husband, which is difficult because I'm not the one feeling those feelings, my bf is. So I think this should be talked about as a whole. . . But my bf won't bring it up by himself. What am I suppose to do to make this better?

Last edited by KerrBear; 04-17-2013 at 06:48 PM.
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  #25  
Old 04-17-2013, 06:52 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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I would strongly suggest you take a step back from all of this.

Your husband is clearly unhappy with you having a boyfriend. Not a good situation for him.

Your boyfriend is clearly feeling some form of pressure to do things sexually he is not happy with. Not a good situation for him.

You are having rules changed on you and being yelled at? Not a good situation for you.

Forgive me if I'm reading wrong, but I see a lot of you blaming your husband and excusing everything you've done to contribute to this situation: he asks for a weekend alone and you promptly make plans with your boyfriend and explain that your husband should have been more clear about which weekend he wanted?

You keep talking about how you 'need' time with your boyfriend, and 'need' to be with him. No, actually, you don't. We've all survived massive crushes where, for various reasons, we couldn't be with the one we wanted...and we're still alive to tell the tale. You absolutely can stop seeing him. You absolutely do not need anything in particular with him. You want it very badly. Badly enough that it looks like it's causing a lot of stress in yoru marriage that apparently you're willing to keep causing. But you don't need it.

BTW, the only reason I brought up controlling is because we live in a world where people often accuse someone else of 'being controlling' for things like, oh, not liking their wife sleeping with other men. I personally don't find that controlling. I find it perfectly acceptable to want a monogamous marriage.

As someone else said, your husband's behavior is not exactly admirable in many instances, either. I don't know employment law, but I would think your boyfriend feeling any coercion in this sort of thing, from his boss could put your husband on dangerous ground. This is a terrible situation, work-wise.

And on top of it, did I read in your other thread that you think it would be 'fun' to have babies with your boyfriend? Sorry if I got the wrong word. But babies and children are serious business. Please don't go bringing more children into this situation until there's some major work done by all three parties and there's PEACE all around with the situation. There clearly isn't right now, from any of you.
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  #26  
Old 04-17-2013, 07:02 PM
KerrBear KerrBear is offline
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My husband and I spent most the evening out alone, without the kids. We had a nice supper out and then spent the majority of the evening just talking about all kinds of things.

I went through and let him read all my posts I've put on here. He didn't like reading most of them and the replies, said it wasn't fun to read them. Wanted me to add parts here and there, so I did.

I did mention I thought how he texted my bf to stop texting me for the evening while we were out to eat was disrespectful, because it was. He got upset and just said, "Whatever. You're doing the same thing you did when I first met you and I tried to discipline your son. Being overly protective." I didn't really know how to respond to that. . .

Anyway, my bf texts me and he's upset because my husband was bragging that he went out to dinner with me last night and how my bf isn't allowed to take me out.

Not really sure what to take of this. My bf asked me not to say anything to my husband about it. To just ignore it but he told me because he was really pissed about hubby rubbing his nose into it.

I'm seriously stuck at home and those two are bickering over this and I don't know how to get them to fucking KNOCK IT OFF! It's so stupid.

I don't know what the rules are. The rules are always changing. One day it is okay, the next it is not. When I voice what i want and if my husband doesn't like it, he twists it around and makes me feel bad about feeling that way about it or that my feeling on it are not valid.

Some days are good days. My husband brought my bf home with him from work last week and we had a good day together. My bf doesn't like how much my husband talks in the bedroom. I don't really like how much he talks either and some of the stuff he says is a turn off. I've always complained about that and my bf is feeling the same thing I am. I just honestly think sex between the three of us needs to stop. I mean, I'm not really interested in being intimate with my husband when I'm with my bf anyway. Not like when we have a swinger couple over, that was totally different dynamic.

So, I'm thinking I'm going to ask my husband to butt out when the bf is brought over. To not watch or be a part of our bedroom time together at all. Is that too much to ask? Do you think I'd be crossing a line if I requested that?
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  #27  
Old 04-17-2013, 07:08 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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We rarely fight and we talk a lot about things. But yes, his rules do keep changing and it's so hard to follow them and sometimes it's unrealistic and I don't WANT to rebel against him at all but I have needs and wants too. . .
Time to sit down together and put some rules and boundaries in WRITING and signed by everyone! Post them to the bathroom mirror or pin them to the wall, whatever. That way no one can argue, they don't remember saying something was OK only to change it later. If someone finds they can't stick to the written boundaries, time to sit down and re-evaluate everything.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KerrBear View Post
my husband calls my bf a MUTT and starts demanding him around like he's beneath him. Which gets kind of old for him because at work, my husband IS his boss.
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Originally Posted by KerrBear View Post
He's not his employer, just a manager. He doesn't have the right to fire him or anything, just that he gets to tell him what to do.
Legally this would be considered sexual harassment. This needs to be taken seriously and stop IMMEDIATELY! Some employers have clauses in their contracts that prohibit co-worker relationships and your situation could be cause for termination of both parties, especially since your husband is bringing the bedroom stuff to work and using it against your bf.

Last edited by SNeacail; 04-17-2013 at 07:11 PM.
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  #28  
Old 04-17-2013, 07:12 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Your husband thinks he is in competition with this other guy, so he feels inclined to rub his nose in every thing. And they work together? Oy vey. Definitely not the right approach. I do wonder how into the whole poly thing is your husband. How much time was devoted to talking about this? Why are the rules constantly changing? Is he even sure he wants to do this? How much time occurred between transitioning from swingers into polyamoury? I am trying to establish a timeline.

No, you are not asking for too much, but I gather that your husband is not comfortable with you being alone with him in the bedroom. Or he could just be into the whole voyeurism thing. It turns some people on to watch someone pleasing their partner. No, it would not be crossing a line. Who knows what his reaction might be? He might decide that he is totally against you and the boyfriend having sex in the house. You never know.
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  #29  
Old 04-17-2013, 07:13 PM
KerrBear KerrBear is offline
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Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
I would strongly suggest you take a step back from all of this.

Your husband is clearly unhappy with you having a boyfriend. Not a good situation for him.

Your boyfriend is clearly feeling some form of pressure to do things sexually he is not happy with. Not a good situation for him.

You are having rules changed on you and being yelled at? Not a good situation for you.

Forgive me if I'm reading wrong, but I see a lot of you blaming your husband and excusing everything you've done to contribute to this situation: he asks for a weekend alone and you promptly make plans with your boyfriend and explain that your husband should have been more clear about which weekend he wanted?

You keep talking about how you 'need' time with your boyfriend, and 'need' to be with him. No, actually, you don't. We've all survived massive crushes where, for various reasons, we couldn't be with the one we wanted...and we're still alive to tell the tale. You absolutely can stop seeing him. You absolutely do not need anything in particular with him. You want it very badly. Badly enough that it looks like it's causing a lot of stress in yoru marriage that apparently you're willing to keep causing. But you don't need it.

BTW, the only reason I brought up controlling is because we live in a world where people often accuse someone else of 'being controlling' for things like, oh, not liking their wife sleeping with other men. I personally don't find that controlling. I find it perfectly acceptable to want a monogamous marriage.

As someone else said, your husband's behavior is not exactly admirable in many instances, either. I don't know employment law, but I would think your boyfriend feeling any coercion in this sort of thing, from his boss could put your husband on dangerous ground. This is a terrible situation, work-wise.

And on top of it, did I read in your other thread that you think it would be 'fun' to have babies with your boyfriend? Sorry if I got the wrong word. But babies and children are serious business. Please don't go bringing more children into this situation until there's some major work done by all three parties and there's PEACE all around with the situation. There clearly isn't right now, from any of you.
We are not in a monogamous relationship and haven't been for years. So him not wanting me to having a poly relationship is not fair because we are swingers because he didn't want to be monogamous with me. Besides, I have straight up asked him and he has told me that he is okay with me having a poly relationship but just that he's feeling unhappy about how it makes him feel sometimes. I don't think he understands himself either.

YOU might find it acceptable to attempt to have a monogamous marriage, but for ME I'm find that this is not what I want. Our marriage would not have succeeded to this point if we would have continued down that path. I have probably never wanted monogamy either because I took to swinging quickly after my husband was caught being non-monogamous behind my back. I was okay with swinging, it was fun at the time.

I don't have a "crush". I'm in love with this man and have a deep connection with him. I'm a young woman who cycles. It is instinct to want to have babies. I cannot get pregnant easily so it's not like I can just have an "oops". It was just extreme NRE when I was thinking that. I'm smart enough to know that it's not a reality, just a fun "hot" thought. Please.

My husband cannot and will not get my bf fired. My husband is a higher ranking employee because he's been there longer. This isn't easy for them and I know this. It's not like this was planned but they work together okay. They have came to agreement that they don't talk about it at work and they usually follow that.

I COULD walk away from my bf, but that would cause me a lot of unhappiness and wouldn't really resolve anything because the two of them still work together and nothing was ever solved, just badly bandaged.
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  #30  
Old 04-17-2013, 07:21 PM
KerrBear KerrBear is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Time to sit down together and put some rules and boundaries in WRITING and signed by everyone! Post them to the bathroom mirror or pin them to the wall, whatever. That way no one can argue, they don't remember saying something was OK only to change it later. If someone finds they can't stick to the written boundaries, time to sit down and re-evaluate everything.





Legally this would be considered sexual harassment. This needs to be taken seriously and stop IMMEDIATELY! Some employers have clauses in their contracts that prohibit co-worker relationships and your situation could be cause for termination of both parties, especially since your husband is bringing the bedroom stuff to work and using it against your bf.
Yeah, there is no legal paperwork like that where they work. My bf isn't even paid legally. He's under the table, like a good majority of my husband's employers employees so he doesn't have to carry insurance for anyone. But, I agree, I think it needs to stop.

I'd be okay with sitting down, all three of us, and making a guideline list.
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