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  #11  
Old 04-17-2013, 05:03 AM
KerrBear KerrBear is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
"still wants to blame me or more so blame my bf"

Blame you for what? What is it that's making him so upset, exactly? Can he articulate it?
Okay, so at work my husband approached my boyfriend and told him that he would like to have a weekend with just us and the kids. Apparently, my boyfriend agreed to this. He also brought this up to me that he wanted a weekend just to ourselves.

Now, I took this as I needed to make sure I make extra time with my husband. We do get each other all evening as a family and I honestly have only seen my boyfriend once a week since we've started the relationship.

That weekend, we did go out. My bf and I both asked if it was okay if we did. He did not say no but was really ticked off that we went. We found that out after we had gone and come back though. This is when my husband flipped out and called my bf "two faced". . .

It's not like I'm not trying to express my love for my husband, either. Tonight, we got rid of the kids and went and had a dinner. He even told my bf to stop texting me for the evening because we were out together. This weekend, I'm going to go fishing with my husband. I won't see my bf till next week and it sucks cause I want to but I have to wait.

He's also taking it that I'm thinking he's terrible when I want to go off and be with my bf. I have tried over and over again to reassure him this is not why I'm with my bf. I just really want to see my bf and has nothing at all to do with him or me being mad at him or feeling he can't provide for me. I don't hate him, I'm not mad at him. I think he's an amazing husband that provides for his family. I'm here trying to figure stuff out because I still love him and want for him to be happier about the situation.
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  #12  
Old 04-17-2013, 05:11 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
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Originally Posted by KerrBear View Post
He's mostly just taken aback by how quickly I developed emotions for him. I'm the first woman my husband has ever loved, but I have been in love a few times before. I understand that love happens very quickly for me but I don't necessarily fall in love easily. Just that when I do happen, it's fast and hard.

My husband also fell in love with me quickly, but he's not really understanding how this would work for me and someone else.
I think that different people experience "falling in love" quite differently and it is hard to imagine it happening a different way.

I have "fallen in love" twice in my life (and I am 39) - once with my husband and once with my boyfriend. But I resist it the whole time...

My husband and my boyfriend have both had other loves before me and have "broken up" with people despite still loving them. A concept that I find fascinating - I understand that people do "break up" and that they may still love or NOT love their prior partners but...it has never happened to me, so it is hard to internalize. (Both the idea of NOT being in a relationship with someone that you still love AND the idea of no longer being in love with someone that you once did love.)

No point here...just some random reflections.

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Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (5+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic girlfriend and BFF
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  #13  
Old 04-17-2013, 05:44 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Hmm, ok, actually I'd be pretty pissed off in your husband's position too. He stated his need very clearly -- a weekend to yourselves. That's pretty unambiguous, and also not at all unreasonable. Just one weekend. You agreed to it. He actually took the step of checking in with both of you about it, even though really it should have been fine just to confirm with you (you could then communicate to bf).

In a way, whether he meant it consciously or unconsciously, this could be seen as a test... he may well have been thinking "I'm feeling less special now that my wife has a boyfriend. A weekend to ourselves would make me feel special and solve this problem. I'll ask for that. If they give it to me, it means that I'm still special to my wife, that my needs matter and will be respected, and that if I'm promised something, they will keep their word."

Then, when you and your bf asked for time that weekend, you flunked the test, and all his insecurities just became worse than before. He said yes because he was either too angry or too sad (or both) to, argue, but it seems clear that this hurt his feelings, possibly badly. And I can totally understand why.

I would sit down with him, apologize for the weekend incident, promise him a different weekend to make up for it (ideally as soon as possible), and ask him if there's anything else he needs to feel safe.

However, while I'm clearly on his side on this particular issue, many things about his behavior aren't ok and need to be addressed. Calling your boyfriend to yell at him -- really really not ok. Saying he is fine with poly, but then monitoring your interactions with your bf and refusing to accept any alone time is not ok. Ask him how he'd feel if he was trying to develop a relationship with a woman and you treated her/them this way. Explain to him that these behaviors HAVE to stop if he really wants this open marriage to work.

Hopefully, these two things will work hand in hand -- you taking the time and care to find out his needs and meet them, and him learning to be less of a jerk. Whereas the idea that finding him a gf will solve the problems is, I think, false -- it'll likely just being up a whole set of new ones, while leaving the old ones unresolved. So, here's hoping you can resolve them now!
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  #14  
Old 04-17-2013, 06:13 AM
KerrBear KerrBear is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Hmm, ok, actually I'd be pretty pissed off in your husband's position too. He stated his need very clearly -- a weekend to yourselves. That's pretty unambiguous, and also not at all unreasonable. Just one weekend. You agreed to it. He actually took the step of checking in with both of you about it, even though really it should have been fine just to confirm with you (you could then communicate to bf).

In a way, whether he meant it consciously or unconsciously, this could be seen as a test... he may well have been thinking "I'm feeling less special now that my wife has a boyfriend. A weekend to ourselves would make me feel special and solve this problem. I'll ask for that. If they give it to me, it means that I'm still special to my wife, that my needs matter and will be respected, and that if I'm promised something, they will keep their word."

Then, when you and your bf asked for time that weekend, you flunked the test, and all his insecurities just became worse than before. He said yes because he was either too angry or too sad (or both) to, argue, but it seems clear that this hurt his feelings, possibly badly. And I can totally understand why.

I would sit down with him, apologize for the weekend incident, promise him a different weekend to make up for it (ideally as soon as possible), and ask him if there's anything else he needs to feel safe.

However, while I'm clearly on his side on this particular issue, many things about his behavior aren't ok and need to be addressed. Calling your boyfriend to yell at him -- really really not ok. Saying he is fine with poly, but then monitoring your interactions with your bf and refusing to accept any alone time is not ok. Ask him how he'd feel if he was trying to develop a relationship with a woman and you treated her/them this way. Explain to him that these behaviors HAVE to stop if he really wants this open marriage to work.

Hopefully, these two things will work hand in hand -- you taking the time and care to find out his needs and meet them, and him learning to be less of a jerk. Whereas the idea that finding him a gf will solve the problems is, I think, false -- it'll likely just being up a whole set of new ones, while leaving the old ones unresolved. So, here's hoping you can resolve them now!
Thank you! This was really good advice. We are going to have a weekend to ourselves this weekend because we are going trout fishing. I think the only reason why we didn't obey him right then on that weekend is because I was looking more for a positive "no" from him and because I did really want to see my boyfriend and was being selfish.

I admit that but I haven't fallen in love in a really long time and I had only had honestly ONE encounter with my boyfriend at this point where I was completely alone with him. I needed alone time with my boyfriend. Just to make sure that what I was feeling was real, cause I was surprised by my love for the boyfriend but also NRE. Like super NRE.

My husband has also been reading everything I have posted. He doesn't always like what he reads, but I'm just using it as a good opportunity to express myself more clearly than just talking about it, but we do that a lot as well. I'm just a natural writer.

He also thinks this is sound advice and that you "hit the nail on the head."

I'm hoping that spending this weekend with him will allow him to get over his feelings enough to let me and my boyfriend have a nice weekend together ALONE and he won't get butt hurt about it. Cause him feeling upset about it zaps all the fun out of what I'm feeling with my boyfriend.
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  #15  
Old 04-17-2013, 03:44 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Well, it would seem there is a reason many couples have a "no co-workers" guideline/rule.


The language you use in talking about this really stands out to me. You mention "being allowed to" do certain things and "disobeying" your husband. You make it seem like he's your boss or father and you are trying to get away with what you can, like a kid. I think you need to adjust your perspective and come at this like two equals. He isn't your boss. He isn't your parent.

In reality, you two are partners and each of you make your own choices. All you can do is come to agreements and stick to them, but agreeing is something you both choose to do. You are both individuals. It sounds like hubby keeps making up new rules as he gets uncomfortable with things, and since you see him as in charge, you either go along with it or rebel against him. That is not a partnership! I get a sense there is a lot of emotional chaos in your dynamic. It seems rather turbulent to me, and that may have to do with not having clear guidelines nor enough respect for each other's autonomy.

I think you and hubby need to sit down, as two equals, and get really clear on boundaries and be willing to compromise. Use some of Tristan Taormino's lists as a guide: Free Downloads from Opening Up
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-17-2013 at 03:47 PM.
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  #16  
Old 04-17-2013, 04:08 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Originally Posted by KerrBear View Post
I think the only reason why we didn't obey him right then on that weekend is because I was looking more for a positive "no" from him and because I did really want to see my boyfriend and was being selfish.
Is this a recognition of where you went wrong or an explanation of why what you did is understandable and acceptable?

If he'd given you a more positive NO, would you then say he's controlling you?
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  #17  
Old 04-17-2013, 04:17 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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My husband Butch made a good point when I was all lost in NRE over my boyfriend Murf. He was having an issue with me "spending too much time" with Murf. I pointed out he got 70/30 or 60/40 of my time during the week depending on things like work schedules. Which was true BUT my husband was stuck sharing my time with the kids and household crap. He was not getting the quality time with me that Murf was. Plus I was pining for Murf when we were apart want to talk with him and etc. It hurt my husband he wanted my undivided attention without having to compete with anyone else.

Your husband need his time. No token moments given just to shut him up. You need to shut off the cell phone stay off the gaming system and spend some quality alone time with him.
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  #18  
Old 04-17-2013, 05:25 PM
KerrBear KerrBear is offline
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Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
Is this a recognition of where you went wrong or an explanation of why what you did is understandable and acceptable?

If he'd given you a more positive NO, would you then say he's controlling you?
No. I've never said he controls me. I would have taken it that no meant he wanted THAT weekend to himself. The way I took him asking for a weekend that he needed a weekend soon, not THAT weekend because he did not specify. If he would have specified when we asked if bf and I could go out that weekend, we wouldn't have gone out and would have rescheduled for a following weekend. That didn't happen. He never told me no. He never called the whole time I was gone. He didn't get angry until he found out that my bf bought me dinner and then he got pissed about him buying me dinner. . .

Actually, I've never thought about him being controlling at all until others here suggested it. . .
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  #19  
Old 04-17-2013, 05:31 PM
KerrBear KerrBear is offline
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Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
My husband Butch made a good point when I was all lost in NRE over my boyfriend Murf. He was having an issue with me "spending too much time" with Murf. I pointed out he got 70/30 or 60/40 of my time during the week depending on things like work schedules. Which was true BUT my husband was stuck sharing my time with the kids and household crap. He was not getting the quality time with me that Murf was. Plus I was pining for Murf when we were apart want to talk with him and etc. It hurt my husband he wanted my undivided attention without having to compete with anyone else.

Your husband need his time. No token moments given just to shut him up. You need to shut off the cell phone stay off the gaming system and spend some quality alone time with him.
He does get quality time. My bf and I have only had two encounters where we had quality alone time since I've met him. Every other time, my husband has been present to watch and engage. It really pisses my bf off because he feels like when he comes over and my husband is there, it's all about sex and that's NOT what he wants. Neither is it what I want but my husband calls my bf a MUTT and starts demanding him around like he's beneath him. Which gets kind of old for him because at work, my husband IS his boss.

My husband and I stay up late and watch movies a lot. We just went out for dinner and spent the evening together. I even told my bf to stop texting for the evening. This weekend, we are going trout fishing together, just my husband and I. I'm really trying hard to give him my undivided attention, but I want "rewarded" (Because that's honestly what it feels like I'm pinning for) to having some quality time with my bf too!
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  #20  
Old 04-17-2013, 05:36 PM
KerrBear KerrBear is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Well, it would seem there is a reason many couples have a "no co-workers" guideline/rule.


The language you use in talking about this really stands out to me. You mention "being allowed to" do certain things and "disobeying" your husband. You make it seem like he's your boss or father and you are trying to get away with what you can, like a kid. I think you need to adjust your perspective and come at this like two equals. He isn't your boss. He isn't your parent.

In reality, you two are partners and each of you make your own choices. All you can do is come to agreements and stick to them, but agreeing is something you both choose to do. You are both individuals. It sounds like hubby keeps making up new rules as he gets uncomfortable with things, and since you see him as in charge, you either go along with it or rebel against him. That is not a partnership! I get a sense there is a lot of emotional chaos in your dynamic. It seems rather turbulent to me, and that may have to do with not having clear guidelines nor enough respect for each other's autonomy.

I think you and hubby need to sit down, as two equals, and get really clear on boundaries and be willing to compromise. Use some of Tristan Taormino's lists as a guide: Free Downloads from Opening Up
Hmm, interesting. I guess I've never thought of him as controlling before but I guess he is being that way as there are a number of people saying they see this.

My husband and I don't yell and scream and fight. We rarely fight and we talk a lot about things. But yes, his rules do keep changing and it's so hard to follow them and sometimes it's unrealistic and I don't WANT to rebel against him at all but I have needs and wants too. . .

This link will help with the "yes you can" "wait, that didn't make me feel good, now you can't unless you do this first." type things that he's been doing with my boyfriend and I.
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