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Old 04-16-2013, 02:50 PM
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BelleInconnue BelleInconnue is offline
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Default In a "V" triad and in the closet--feeling sad about it!

Hiya,
I'm new here and relatively new to poly. I'm a female who has been in a poly "V" triad relationship with a man who is married with 2 school age children (under the age of 10). This is my first experience in a poly relationship. His wife and I are on very friendly terms and get along well. I've been with him for about a year. We live separately and I am fine with that. However, what I have been feeling increasingly sad about is the fact that we are in the closet to everyone except 2 or 3 family members on each side. Now I understand the need to be closeted because her family would probably want to kill him if they knew he had another relationship and of course society in general doesn't approve of this type of arrangement. I thought it was fine to be in the closet for very valid reasons, yet I can't help feeling sad that everything has to be so secretive. I sometimes feel resentful that he and his wife have other couples who are friends they can do things with and are out there as a couple for all to see but he and I have to sneak around like we are doing something wrong. I love him very much but have been having trouble dealing with this aspect of it lately and wondering if I will be satisfied with doing this forever. It's primarily her family we are concerned about; otherwise, he says he wouldn't care what anyone else would think. Any advice from people who have experienced this? Thanks.
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Old 04-16-2013, 03:09 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am sorry you feel sad.

It's normal to wonder how long you can take it.
Can you talk to your polyship people about your feelings at least? Just to air out the frustration?

What are the reasons? With children that young... is child custody being taken away a concern if you were "out?" Fear of that kind?

Or is it fear of emotional loss -- like her family would cut you all out?

Galagirl
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Old 04-16-2013, 03:14 PM
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BelleInconnue BelleInconnue is offline
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Default in the closet

Hi Galagirl
It is both of those things you mentioned (custody and her parents--they think I am just a good friend and nothing more and I haven't even met them, but my boyfriend and his wife don't want them to know, period, because they would judge harshly and not understand). I can talk with my love about this just to get the feelings out, though I know there is no solution. I guess this just goes along with the territory sometimes and is a sacrifice one has to be willing to make, though I do miss the part of monogamy in which one doesn't have to hide and can be "out" in relationship! Just feeling blah today...thanks for the reply.
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Old 04-16-2013, 03:32 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I am in a vee where I am the hinge between my husband and my boyfriend. I am out to my family due to my 19 yo son getting mad at me and trying to smear my reputation. I found out who truly loved me. In general life it is a bit more complicated.

My boyfriend has no urge to live together full time which perfect for me. I split my time between my boyfriend and husband. When one starts to drive me crazy it is time for me to go see the other...lol.

My boyfriend live 25 miles away. I have a social circle that is built around my boyfriend and I. His family has no clue that I have a husband. I attend all important family functions with Murf including taking my kids along. When family asks when he is popping the question. He states he doesn't want to get married and neither do I. We can do forever without a piece of paper.

Then I have my husband and I social circle. Who know what is going on. My boyfriend does come here and spend the night. My neighbors have been giving me weird looks especially like this AM when I kissed my boyfriend goodbye.

It is hard when you want to scream your love from the roof tops but can't. MY situation is a bit different because I am not hiding anyone and will not. But I do not explain myself either.

You need to decide if you are ok with how things are. If not it may be time to move on.
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Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
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Old 04-16-2013, 03:40 PM
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BelleInconnue BelleInconnue is offline
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Default ntretcy really

Thanks for the reply! My love and I have a little distance between us, but maybe if we didn't live as close by it would be easier--we could do like you do and have our own social circles where no one knows anything about the "other" relationship. I def don't want to move on, just want to learn how to work through this situation as it is all so new for me.
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Old 04-16-2013, 03:53 PM
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Marvin Marvin is offline
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Hello
I'm Marvin. Our relationship is quite similar to your own. One side of our family knows, accepts and appreciates our situation while the others two sides do not. One of which is out of respect for them as they simply are close minded individuals.
I sometimes equate the frustration of hiding our relationship to that of threading a wet noodle up a bobcats ass- it's HARD to do!! Never the less I cherish my relationships more than my need to communicate with family. That is one reason I appreciate this forum and its individuals so much now that I have found it. It gives me an opportunity to discuss matters that previously had to be internalized.
I hope that you find some comfort in this forum and the folks that reside here and I wish you the best of luck. If you ever need someone to talk to or vent to I am sure that you are in the right place.

All the best

M
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Me- Linkin Park- the husband. I am the youngest, fast paced and admittedly full of issues.

Nina Simone- our wife- slow, gritty, and sexy like a smoky piano bar and a glass of brandy.

Led Zepplin- our wife - a rocker little tomboy that loves with everything. All she's got or nothing at all.
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Old 04-16-2013, 07:55 PM
elle elle is offline
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I think this aspects is one of the hardest parts of being okay with a V.

One person ends up as the 'single,' even if some family/friends 'get it.'
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Old 04-16-2013, 09:45 PM
KerrBear KerrBear is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BelleInconnue View Post
Hiya,
I sometimes feel resentful that he and his wife have other couples who are friends they can do things with and are out there as a couple for all to see but he and I have to sneak around like we are doing something wrong.
So you guys don't hang out in public at all, just the three of you?

What exactly are you looking for? You said you don't want to live together. Do you want the extended family to know?
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Old 04-17-2013, 04:43 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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We live together, we go out in public together, we are out to all of our friends, our families know something is up (but aren't asking questions)...and it is STILL hard at times. Some of it has to do with expectations and some has to do with personal comfort levels over and above the "poly" aspect. (We are NOT "out" publicly in the town where we live or the town where I work.)

Dude is the "single" person in the scenarios where we are not out or we are being circumspect. He is a more PDA person than either of us so I think this makes it harder. For instance, the other day we were talking about this very thing - he wanted to know if there would ever be a day where he could kiss me "goodbye" in front of my parents.

In my mind we were doing ok in the "slowly coming out to family" regard - they know he lives with us, they specifically invite him to family functions, they put his name on Christmas cards, they tease him and include him in our "in" jokes, my mother bakes him cookies for his birthday...but he wants to know when he can kiss me in front of my parents. I did point out that he has probably never seen me kiss MrS goodbye in front of my parents EITHER, and he has probably never seen my parents kiss each other, or my sisters kiss their husbands. He actually had never noticed THAT - he just noticed that HE couldn't... and assumed that it was the "secret boyfriend" reason and NOT a family dynamic that doesn't include kissing in front of other people.

We're working on it...

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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Old 04-23-2013, 02:08 AM
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BelleInconnue BelleInconnue is offline
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Thanks everyone for your input. I'm feeling better about the situation as my metamour and I have discussed it. Overall I am very happy with my relationship; just sometimes these feelings surface.
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