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  #31  
Old 07-16-2009, 07:46 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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But Mark, you don't feel the need for your "own" room? Just curious.

Maybe your wife would feel "more equal" if you did. It's a symbolic thing. Right now, she's "sharing" "both of your" room with you, and you "visit" your other wife in "her own" room; so it prob'ly stands out that you're "missing" even though you say you had spent plenty of nights apart before you went the poly route.

I do realize that this may not be possible, that you just may not HAVE an extra room to use. But it is something to consider in an intellectual/ academic sense.

I put quotes around a lot of things because I feel those words do not perfectly capture what I am trying to express, but I do not have all day to spend with a thesaurus, so I try to choose the closest possible terminology.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 07-16-2009 at 07:48 PM.
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  #32  
Old 07-17-2009, 01:51 AM
tigrrrlily tigrrrlily is offline
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y-girl makes a sound point. And how has has a thread about single poly turned into another discussion about couples and triples? to bring back a single view - some people i can love but not live with. I'm comfortable with their rooms being in different buildings to mine!
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  #33  
Old 07-17-2009, 03:45 AM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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YGirl, I hear ya, but the only extra room in the house is the game room and I'd have to sleep on the pool table!......my wife does think it a bit unfair though, since each of them has an alone night everyother night while I never have to sleep alone......unless I piss both of them off, then I still get the couch! lol
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  #34  
Old 07-19-2009, 10:08 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by XYZ123 View Post
At the same time, try not to close yourself off to couples because of bad experiences. There are those who exist that strive for equality and not an accessory to fit into their life. I don't think it's any easier for couples to accept a third after years than it is for the joining single to feel equal.
I've remained open to relationships in whatever form they take. I've dated people who are parts of couples and am currently dating a lovely couple. I'm not trying to say that these are bad things in and of themselves. However, if I were to "join" a couple in some form of a triad, I would be giving up a lot more than the couple. They will have already built a life and made decisions about that life that I would never have had a voice in or been a part of. And many of those decisions that were already made would directly affect the life I have with them. That's not to say that I don't value the relationship we have, just that they have access to something that I would like, but am not going to find in that relationship with them.

I would like the privilege of building a life and making those decisions in partnership. This doesn't mean that I desire monogamy or exclusivity. I have appreciated all of the relationships I've had in all of their different forms. But I have yet to be able to find a long term poly relationship where I wouldn't have to cede that privilege to partners who are already coupled in a primary way or are couples themselves.

My point is that poly communities with their couple-centric views tend to make finding such things harder for those of us who are not "coupled".


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Originally Posted by vandalin View Post
But this set up reminds me very much of things I read in Ethical Slut. They have an entire section devoted to "Single Sluts". Although the book does seem more sexually the emotionally focused, it was still a good read.

And just as there is no one right way of having or being in a relationship, there is not one right way to be poly.
What's interesting is Ethical Slut has one small section in a chapter about this. Most of the book is geared towards people who are already in couples, as is most of the literature out there on poly.

And yeah...it's true that there is not one right way to be poly and that's a good thing, but I often find that using this phrase is a good way to dismiss concerns that may be raised by a group of people. (I don't think this was your intent at all- the context was quite the opposite and thank you for that) Issues like this continually get raised by single people and they are continually not heard (especially with the unicorn hunting). So sure, even if there's no "right" way to be poly, that can't be used as an excuse to remain ignorant of practices don't work for a large number of people and the issues behind why they don't (even if those practices do work for some).

I often feel that single poly people are marginalized within the poly community. When such concerns have been raised by us, they are often not heard, dismissed or even worse, coddled ("But you would never be secondary if you joined us....we would treat you completely equally"). If the pronouns you use in the context of the relationship are still "we", "us" and "ours" while mine are still "I", "me", and "mine", I can't find balance that way.

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Originally Posted by Mark1npt View Post
my wife does think it a bit unfair though, since each of them has an alone night every other night while I never have to sleep alone......
That's one of the reasons why a poly V model wouldn't work for me unless I was able to have additional partners if I was on one of the arms of that V. I'm curious, Mark. How are you addressing that perceived unfairness?

Last edited by Ceoli; 07-19-2009 at 10:18 PM. Reason: grammar correction
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  #35  
Old 07-19-2009, 11:49 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
I often feel that single poly people are marginalized within the poly community. When such concerns have been raised by us, they are often not heard, dismissed or even worse, coddled ("But you would never be secondary if you joined us....we would treat you completely equally"). If the pronouns you use in the context of the relationship are still "we", "us" and "ours" while mine are still "I", "me", and "mine", I can't find balance that way.
this this this this THIS!

Recently a "unicorn-hunting" couple posted here and it was all "we/us and you". Not "my [husband or wife] and you".

thank you thank you thank you for putting it into those words! that's exactly what i'm talking about!
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  #36  
Old 07-20-2009, 01:16 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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It's always nice to know when others feel the same way. Thank you and you're welcome!
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  #37  
Old 07-20-2009, 07:24 AM
tigrrrlily tigrrrlily is offline
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thanks Ceoli, you have summarised my own thoughts on this extremely well. I was saying to a friend this morning, is this the polyamory (multiple loves) or polygamy (multiple marriages) site?
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  #38  
Old 07-20-2009, 06:08 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Originally Posted by tigrrrlily View Post
I was saying to a friend this morning, is this the polyamory (multiple loves) or polygamy (multiple marriages) site?
Yeah, it's funny you should say that because I was feeling the same way. There are a growing number of poly singles out there because people are becoming more and more aware of non-monogamy before they begin a monogamous relationship. Yet it seems to be such an alien thing among poly groups, online or not.

I think what gets me the most is the value judgments that come out of it, intentional or not.
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  #39  
Old 07-21-2009, 01:18 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
I think what gets me the most is the value judgments that come out of it, intentional or not.
I can completely understand your viewpoint here, Ceoli.

I think it is more a product of vocal majority on this sight rather than judgement however. There seems to be a large number of poly relationships with at least loosely similar future goals.

I myself can come off somewhat judgemental and very stringent of what poly is to me and apologize for this. This is due to a lessening fear that other approaches to poly instil in me as a mono natured guy. It is an area I have made a lot of progress in recently and hope to continue growing.

I hope you and everyone else here does not feel judged, that is not what this sight is about. It is about expressing personal views and sharing.

Take care

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 07-21-2009 at 04:06 AM.
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  #40  
Old 08-31-2009, 11:06 PM
OneSoul OneSoul is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
I wasn't offended as much as just trying to raise questions about those general perceptions that I see in the community and the general couple-centric views.

I guess what I'm trying to say that as a person who has had multiple partners on a secondary basis, that does not mean that I'm just sleeping around and I know that this is the case for many poly single people. I have loved my partners deeply, yet have not had access to the benefits of a primary relationship. But many people in the poly community are quick to put the kind of love I have on a lower level than their couple units. Just because I don't have that primary relationship does not mean that I don't experience deep love or know how to love deeply.

And yes, I would like to have some form of partnership that involves cohabitation and building a family, and I guess the frustration stems from the fact that the very community in which I should be able to find such a partner seems to only let you in if you already have such a partner. There is a definite view that single people are not available for deep, loving partnerships but more available to just have "lovers". I think that perception is generally unfair.

I don't think it's necessary to already be partnered to be able to love multiple people deeply. And I find it ironic that many poly communities profess this idea that people can love in many different ways, yet seem to dismiss this ability to love deeply if the person is not partnered already.

I do appreciate your thoughts, so thank you for that. But I am a debater at heart and I guess these are issues I feel pretty strongly about. I'm not only posting this to sort out my own feelings, but to also give voice to what I see as a pervading problem in many poly communities.
I agree with you
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