Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 08-28-2011, 06:06 AM
DrunkenPorcupine's Avatar
DrunkenPorcupine DrunkenPorcupine is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 175

I would love to hear from other single or solo poly people, male or female, about their experiences in pursuing poly.
It's odd, I live in a community that has quite a few of openly poly folks and those that are seldom identify as poly. Many are open about having non-mono relationships, but they do not call themselves poly.

For some, it's the instance on "love" being involved. Love is scary to some people and the idea of being open to one love, let alone many, is something they don't want to make a focus.

Others use "polyamory" when they mean "open relationship". That might very well place ME on some "side" in a divide, but to me, there's a difference. Serial monogomy, non-commitment, those are all fine and valid, but it's not "polyamory" if the amorous component is removed or absent.

I've found that as someone who is identified as poly, dating single women is difficult. Even if the stated intention is a short-term, but emotional, relationship while I'm single, the "you're poly" thing has killed a couple of potential relationships. That kind of sucks.
Connection is the path to passion. Passion is not the path to connection.
Reply With Quote
Old 08-28-2011, 11:59 AM
bella123456 bella123456 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 182

hear you on these thoughts NYC,

I've considered myself someone exploring the world that some people would call single poly or solo poly, in that I've not had a primary partner, and I've not really wanted a primary partner type set up.

Yes...I think it is still the case that single women are considered to be fucking around. I was seeing someone for quite a while...he lived with his girlfriend. Some of my friends would say "oh...but one day you may have a real boyfriend". I'd been seeing him for 8 months, we were very publicly a couple. Yet, some of my friends did not consider it a "real" relationship simply because he lived with his girlfriend. I found that pretty difficult...I think I was thought of a side dish. It was quite insulting.

Now, the flip side is I've recently fallen very deeply in love...and he is someone I want to keep for my life. I had completely forgotten what this feels like. Woawww...big...big feelings.

And now I'm facing;

oh....she will settle down now that she is in love. or...

It was only ever a matter of time...now that true love is there. or...

It was a phase surely...

My mother is delighted....as now she thinks there is someone to look after me, and she won't have to keep up with more than one name....and I feel like screaming..."Well, the people with the other names also look after me !"

So, yes....I think un-coupled people in this realm certainly face different challenges.

It sometimes prompts me to feel this;

So, if I'm in a primary relationship and my partner is ok with open/poly/FWB (insert appropriate word) relationships...then that seems ok on some level and acceptable. Another party has validated that. But if I'm ok with it on my own, as a value and trust my own judgement and decision making...then somehow that is not up to scratch....as no one has validated that and perhaps I'm some poor lonely sad person who is desperately seeking love, sex and validation..

Oh, Please !!
Reply With Quote
Old 02-20-2013, 10:40 PM
energizerbunny energizerbunny is offline
New Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1

Hi Ceoli:
I too entered poly as a single person. I met my now poly boyfriend of 3 years at a party and he said he wasn't particularly looking for anything but was open to see what developed if I was able to accept that he had a Long distant girlfriend and that was not going to change, and if I wanted to explore anything with him it would be mutually nonexclusive. we have been together for 3 years, he now has 3 girlfriends, I am the local one, and I have a long distance sweetie, in my long distance relationship I am a secondary. In my local relationship I am neither primary or secondary, it don't fit in any mold I have read about so far.

I find myself always translating words in the poly literature when they don't quite fit my situation. I think we need to write some new books to fit the myriad of different possibilities. Please know that you are not alone and there are many solo or single poly folk around, whether by choice or circumstances and we have every right to still call ourselves poly, whether we are in multiple relationships or none.

Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2013, 01:17 AM
trixlg's Avatar
trixlg trixlg is offline
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Georgia (Marietta)
Posts: 15

Originally Posted by keiokaki View Post
i on the other hand think you are an awesome person and should keep trying, there needs to be more single poly's because with out a single poly there is no way for us couples who want to equally share our love with someone to do that. That sucks about you feeling secondary, i don't believe in heirarchy myself i like things to be equal and full of love
I agree I feel the same way .. equal and full of love.
Reply With Quote

privilege, secondary, single, solo

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 02:47 PM.