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  #11  
Old 04-14-2013, 06:23 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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You have a reason. You are not attracted to her. Your husband needs to suck it up and let go of this kumbaya, rainbow coloured pixie dust fantasy. If I were you, I would sit her down and tell her that while you respect her as a person and whatever, you want to end the intimate side of things and just be friends and cordial. She can transition from your girlfriend/romantic interest to your metamour and call it a day. Her feelings may be hurt, but she will bounce back. You just wish not to be involved in the sexual aspect, and that is your right. It is your body. Your husband does not have the right to get mad about what you want to do with your body.

You said they dated while you and your husband were apart. Did they ever stop dating, or did it just continue while you and your husband worked out your issues? The foundation and introduction to poly make all the difference in the world.

Just know that your feelings are valid, and you have the right to say no.


-Ry
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  #12  
Old 04-14-2013, 06:26 PM
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KayFin KayFin is offline
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I almost got my G&T on the computer screen too!

I am in a poly relationship that has always been a poly relationship, my soon-to-be-wife was with her BF already when we had our first date and he knew of our date...

Anyhow, me and her BF are on good terms even though there is nothing romantic/sexual between us, and honestly I believe he has never really even thought there would be. But I admit that he is rare kind of straight guy, he actually closes the bedroom door if it we have forgotten to do so if we are having sex ... Not his thing as he puts it.
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Kay: tall, lesbian, polycurious?
A: my wife to be, bi, poly
O: her BF, straight, poly

to be continued?
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  #13  
Old 04-14-2013, 07:11 PM
counterclockwise counterclockwise is offline
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I may as well level. They stopped dating. She was heartbroken but their friendship repaired over time. So for the last 3-4 years they have interacted professionally and maintained some sort of friendship. I resented her for a log time because they denied that they cared for each other beyond professional interactions and "friendship" and then they immediately jumped in when we filed for divorce. But to credit her fairly, the two of them have been hands off the three or so years since. Only recently, when he and I decided to open up our marriage did the possibility of igniting something again come up. She is successful, kind, has a full life, and seemed a good fit. It just didn't pan out as expected.

I talked to husband after reading some of your responses. He says he respects my position. So I will have a convo with her as suggested above.

I appreciate you guys!
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  #14  
Old 04-14-2013, 07:14 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I concur with the other posters but want to say, besides your h's 3some fantasy, his OSO might have her feelings/pride hurt, especially if she IS attracted to you... So you need to be sensitive to that

It's good she still gets to see and fuck him. When my ex-h and I first opened our marriage, he had the 3way kumbaya, 2 wives fantasy. We had the other issue, I was attracted to our unicorn but she wasn't attracted to me! And I was the bi one who wanted more. I got nothing (except a h with heavy duty NRE) and she got a bf. I got no gf!

(Things are better now, no worries. )
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me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #15  
Old 04-14-2013, 07:38 PM
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Natja Natja is offline
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Yeah it does seem a little 'Boohoo my threesome fantasy won't come true...' pity fest.

Tough, I want an orgy with the whole cast of Law and Order SVU...I don't think I am in luck though. We don't always get what we want in life.

Counter, I think you are really cool and balanced, you are working through your feelings and being rational. Kudos! Don't doubt yourself, wait for 'your' connection, there is no obligation for all love to be shared ALL the time. To be honest it is rather refreshing to read this!!

Natja
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  #16  
Old 04-14-2013, 08:32 PM
counterclockwise counterclockwise is offline
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Thanks, Natja! What a huge compliment.

I'm sure we will figure this out.

I appreciate the guidance here. (Doesn't it always feel weird to talk about a forum or any "place" online as a geographical location? Speaks to a lack of sufficient vocabulary. I always feel like a jerk when I say something like "here." I mean, really.)
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  #17  
Old 04-14-2013, 09:40 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by counterclockwise View Post
BoringGuy, you just made me spit my drink out. Hahahaa! Awesome and at least partly true.

I knew I joined this forum for a reason.


You're welcome; at least i am relieved that your sense of humor appears to exist. I made some assumptions that were based on things you did not say, which could have been incorrect. Since the tone of your reply does not seem offended, i infer that my assumptions turned out to be not entirely incorrect.

tl;dr Sometimes i make new friends, sometimes i make new enemies.
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  #18  
Old 04-14-2013, 11:56 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I would think it more unusual if you all were into each other, actually. That rarely happens, and I am definitely glad to hear you are not one of those wives who goes along with it and has sex with someone they don't really want to have sex with, just to please some unrealistic fantasy of their husband's. Some husbands only want their wives involved to assuage the guilt they have over being sexual with someone outside of their marriage - they think that if wifey is there, then at least she is sanctioning it and it must mean that he's not cheating. Nonsensical, really.

Tell hubby to stop pouting and get over it. For goodness sakes, he's in a happy marriage with a wife who's cool about him having a girlfriend, and he's got a girlfriend with whom he's compatible and has hit it off -- and who meshes with your family -- he should be counting his blessings, not being bummed out about anything!! Does he realize how lucky he is? Wives are not required to, nor should be expected to, have sex with girlfriends of their husbands. If you don't dig her that way, you don't dig her. No big deal. Time for him to have a reality check, methinks.

Both of you will probably be happier if you each seek out your own independent relationships. And if any threesomes happen someday down the road, it should be because they just evolve that way and it all falls into place, not because it "should" be that way or it is expected to happen. FMF threesomes are not necessary to practice polyamory!
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Last edited by nycindie; 04-15-2013 at 12:12 AM.
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  #19  
Old 04-15-2013, 12:14 AM
counterclockwise counterclockwise is offline
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Hubs isn't that one dimensional. Sure, sex is part of it; I'd be an idiot if I didn't acknowledge that. I think he also was looking forward to merging these two parts of his life. I guess we didn't merge to the degree he'd have liked. He even said once that he thought she would fall in love with me, which I thought was ambitious.

We're clear now. I think I'll have a vodka tonic to celebrate.
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  #20  
Old 04-15-2013, 12:44 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by counterclockwise View Post
We're clear now. I think I'll have a vodka tonic to celebrate.
My favorite drink! Have you ever tried Tito's Vodka - it's awesome! Well... cheers!
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
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