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  #1  
Old 10-02-2015, 06:46 AM
Portia Portia is offline
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Question Advice for Mono Partners

I previously responded to a few threads on here started by my husband "Lysander." To summarize for those who weren't following, my husband has come to the conclusion that he is poly. I am mono, and this is not going to change. Therefore, I've expressed to my husband that I cannot be in a poly marriage. If necessary, I will divorce him but with great regret and personal sadness.

While I thought the poly discussion was temporarily tabled, we enjoyed a wonderful family vacation with our kids. Things were going well (or so I thought).

About a week ago, my father collapsed and almost died. He was diagnosed with cancer and had surgery on Monday. It has been incredibly stressful on me. My 7 year old saw my father collapse and bleed out several pints of blood. (We are a close family, and we love my father very much.)

Less than 24 hours after surgery, "Lysander" posted a dinner on our family's shared Google calendar. The title was "Poly Dinner." He wanted to make sure I would be home from the hospital so he could attend. I had NO idea he had taken the step of taking to people "in real life" as opposed to just online. He said I was welcome to come because it might help me accept his poly.

While I could understand interaction with people on an anonymous forum, this dinner is with other people in our local area. He did not say he wants a divorce and claims to "love me." He thinks it's "crazy" that I'm hurt by this step.

I feel that this is a form of emotional abuse with the intention of pushing me to file for divorce (and thus be the "bad guy" to our children) or otherwise to use my emotional weakness at this time to get me to consent to poly.

He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to be the good guy and loved by his children and yet have freedom to explore. I feel that it is a lack of character and courage to do this while in a marriage with someone mono. If you want to be poly, have the integrity to say so. Don't try to test it while asking the mono person to hang around in case you fail or find it isn't what makes you happy.

"Lysander" is not an easy person to be married to. He was recently diagnosed with Aspergers and can be very critical. He is not emotionally supportive. For example, his response to my tears about my father was "well everyone had a 100% chance of dying eventually" and "dying at 69 surrounded by family is not a tragedy." On a previous thread, he admitted he was mainly interested in the sexual part of polyamory. He is not someone who wants to go on dates or provide emotional support.

Is it normal to ask your mono partner to wait around while you explore poly after they say they don't want a poly relationship? If you came out to your mono partner or ended a relationship, did you do it AFTER you had entered a sexual/poly relationship or BEFORE? How did they react? Is this type of behavior the norm for poly or am I just married to someone who is handling this in an emotionally abusive way?

If he wanted to hurt me, I would have preferred physical abuse to this ongoing level of emotional torment. At least then it would be easier to explain to my family and friends who cannot comprehend the idea that a man would ask his wife of 15 years for permission to enter a poly relationship and continue to pursue the issue though groups like this and now an in person group in an attempt to convince her she should be supportive.

Also, am I wrong in thinking that poly women would still expect w man to be emotionally supportive? I truly think Lysander thinks poly is free sex without all the pesky emotional stuff in a marriage.
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Old 10-02-2015, 07:26 AM
MightyMax MightyMax is offline
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I think that your husband's approach to this was summarized in this post he did way back when: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...6&postcount=51

If I were you, I'd assume this to be true and make my plans from there.
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Old 10-02-2015, 07:28 AM
MightyMax MightyMax is offline
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Oh, and my comment to him is the same as I will say to you: don't expect your partner to handle this perfectly and do what would be most healthy. It's too complex to expect that from a human. Even my pc has emotions!
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Old 10-02-2015, 09:11 AM
Portia Portia is offline
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Well...I suppose that does sum of up. He writes,
"
I see now that I'm essentially trying to bargain my way into a different relationship with her, and that's futile. If she doesn't accept the change then I have to decide whether I value my happiness more than hers.

So the healthy conversation boils down to the following: I say, "I love you, but I need to change the terms of our relationship." She says, "I can't tolerate those terms." I say, "Oh well, sorry we couldn't work it out. I wish you luck?""


It appears that he's made his choice that he values his happiness more than mine or more than our children's. However, I can't help feeling some pity for him. He wants to change the terms of our relationship to reduce his risk of being unhappy. He was very unhappy before he met me. We were happy for 10 years of marriage. He was unhappy over the last few years with the demands of children. He's told me he would not have had children if he'd known how difficult it is.

But he believes that poly is some magic pass to lots of sex without commitment or emotional requirements. I suspect he will continue to be unhappy unless he manages to find women who require little to no emotional support, don't require dates or someone willing to be romantic and want to have sex 2x a day. I think he's trying to hold on to his family while also shopping around for these imaginary women. That part seems particularly cruel.
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Old 10-02-2015, 11:18 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I am sorry your husband has chosen the worse time possible to be a selfish jerk. I am sorry he is not being a supportive partner during your family crisis.

To answer your questions...

Is it normal to ask your mono partner to wait around while you explore poly after they say they don't want a poly relationship?

Yes some people do ask their partners to stay with them while they explore poly. It is up to their SO if they decided whether or not to stay.

If you came out to your mono partner or ended a relationship, did you do it AFTER you had entered a sexual/poly relationship or BEFORE? How did they react?

I came out to my husband Butch BEFORE I started any outside relationship. Actually I tried to leave my marriage my husband when my eye started wandering. He was the one who put poly on the table.

Is this type of behavior the norm for poly or am I just married to someone who is handling this in an emotionally abusive way?

Your husband is not handling things properly in my opinion BUT everyone does poly differently.

Honestly he is going to find out really quickly that poly is hard for men. Women have most of the power. Most mono women do not want to date a poly man, poly women don't have to put up with a narcissistic men because he is replaceable, and poly is much more emotionally involved. You just don't have lots of sex with lots of people. It is about building sometimes deep emotional bonds with more than one person.
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  #6  
Old 10-02-2015, 01:08 PM
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PinkPig PinkPig is offline
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May I ask what sort of poly dinner it is? If it's similar to the poly meet-ups I've been to, they're generally just about gathering information and making connections in the poly world, not a date or even meeting someone to date. Blue & I have been to several and I've found them helpful & informative. None of the events we attended were 'pickup' or 'dating' type activities. More like a social group? Not necessarily threatening. If that's the type of dinner he's attending, then I wouldn't necessarily take that as 'he's decided to end the marriage and put his happiness above everyone else's." Of course, if by poly dinner he means an actual date or pick-up style dinner, then that's something entirely different.

Regardless, his timing is selfish and the manner in which he broke it to you is cowardly (in my opinion), I do think his Asperger's may have a role in that (not an excuse, just an observation.)

I was married for over 20 years. We grew apart during our marriage, and probably never were fully compatible to begin with; however, we did have many happy years. We were both monogamous so polyamory was not a factor in our divorce. In retrospect, I will absolutely say that it's more damaging to the children to force a marriage that isn't working. It's far kinder to have two parents who are relatively happy and adjusted apart then two parents who are unhappy together. My children are proof of that, unfortunately. There's a really fine line between not trying hard enough to salvage the marriage and staying in it for the wrong reasons, in my opinion. Given what you've typed about Lysandar, it doesn't particularly sound like you're happy with him, either. If you're not already, you may want to consider exploring that in counseling.

I am sorry you're going through this... particularly at this time when you need your emotional strength for your father

Last edited by PinkPig; 10-02-2015 at 01:11 PM.
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Old 10-02-2015, 01:37 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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When he quit posting on that thread I had hoped he had moved on to talking about an amicable split with you. That he had accepted that you had a BOUNDARY for yourself. You don't want any poly -- your preference is mongamous. And it was not argumentative for you to have that preference and not want to poly. It did not need "rebuttal."
You are allowed to want what you want for you.

I had hoped he would stop beating you over the head with it trying to make you want it just because he does.

I am deeply sorry that he continues to try to force poly on to you. He doesn't seem to want to do the decent thing. Asperger is not an excuse for this behavior.

Quote:
He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to be the good guy and loved by his children and yet have freedom to explore. I feel that it is a lack of character and courage to do this while in a marriage with someone mono. If you want to be poly, have the integrity to say so. Don't try to test it while asking the mono person to hang around in case you fail or find it isn't what makes you happy.
Yup. It lacks character. If he is this way -- lacks consideration and is hell bent on seeking other partners without your blessing? You could file for divorce. Take care of you so you are out of the line of fire. Don't get hung up on who does the filing. Focus more on being free or torment.

You do not have to stick with a loose canon who chooses behavior that hurts you over and over.

One doesn't throw in the towel over every little thing in a marriage, but when it is SERIOUS like this? You children need to see that a marriage that is terribly incompatible is best ended. You don't want them to grow up and put up with even worse in their marriages because what they see in yours they think is "normal."

The main thing at this point in time seems to be to get you away from his behavior so you can be free from "poly" stuff you do not want. It doesn't matter who does the filing. Just that it gets done. You guys are not compatible.

Quote:
Is it normal to ask your mono partner to wait around while you explore poly after they say they don't want a poly relationship?
One could ask. But I wouldn't be up for being someone's "back up plan." How he's doing it? I think it's in very poor taste and poor timing right after your Dad. You have said you want NO part of poly. If he's Opening the relationship to seek other partners without your consent? It's a major breech of trust.

Quote:
If you came out to your mono partner or ended a relationship, did you do it AFTER you had entered a sexual/poly relationship or BEFORE? How did they react? Is this type of behavior the norm for poly or am I just married to someone who is handling this in an emotionally abusive way?
I came out to my partner before we dated seriously. Well before we got married. We are still together. At the moment our agreement is "Closed for raising children, re-evaluate when kids graduate HS." If I wanted a change in the agreements I would talk to him BEFORE taking any actions.

It is not respectful otherwise. If things had to end because we are no longer compatible, I would end it with him clean FIRST. Finish the old agreements before taking up with new people. Because taking up with new people before would be cheating on agreements and I don't do that. The agreements have to change or be disbanded first.

Quote:
If he wanted to hurt me, I would have preferred physical abuse to this ongoing level of emotional torment. At least then it would be easier to explain to my family and friends who cannot comprehend the idea that a man would ask his wife of 15 years for permission to enter a poly relationship and continue to pursue the issue though groups like this and now an in person group in an attempt to convince her she should be supportive.
You are in so much pain. I am so, so sorry.

You could file for divorce. If anyone asks -- state it plain. You are divorcing him because he no longer wants monogamous marriage. You are not up for that.

Whether your family and friends understand that or not... that's their issue. They don't have to get it for you to be free of pain. You have to get you out for you to be free of pain. Because it doesn't sound like Lysander is doing the right thing -- either stop pestering you or file for divorce. When he does neither one to set you free of pain? Then you have to set you free of pain.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 10-02-2015 at 02:09 PM.
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  #8  
Old 10-02-2015, 04:21 PM
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vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
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Playing Devil's Advocate here for a minute...

Mono people seem to feel that if their partner says they want poly, then they can't possibly love them because they want to be with others. Yes, it is a hard concept to grasp.I am going through a bit of that now with someone who is trying to get me to be monogamous.

I noticed you mentioned that he is picking his happiness over yours. But by insisting on monogamy, aren't you asking him to put your happiness over his? Point being neither one of you is going to be happy unless you are on the same page. People grow and change. It's great if a couple grows together, but that is not always the case.

Your questions are very generalized. There are no "norms" in poly or any other type of relationship. Relationships aren't really all that different between mono and poly when it comes to the one on one stuff. Some people need emotional support, some don't.
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Old 10-02-2015, 05:55 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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I allowed my ex to explore, when I wanted to I was told only a closed triad with a bisexual female. I begged for years to have a girlfriend but he refused. When I met my husband I told him I wanted an open relationship and he agreed so I left my ex for someone more compatible.

I don't think exploring the philosophical side of poly like going to poly conventions etc is abusive. He can be a poly person in a monogamous relationship but he should not be acting on it without your consent because he did make a vow and to do otherwise would be cheating plain and simple.

My husband doesn't identify as poly. He's had many sex partners and dates but he won't be someone's boyfriend or be obligated to anyone else. There are plenty of non monogamous women out there who are only looking for a fun casual relationships although it definitely makes meeting people harder because a lot of women don't want to be used for sex.

You could keep saying no and if he cheats you will have an absolute good excuse for leaving, no one would expect you to stay with a cheater. Although I agree if you leave no it's fine to be frank about your reason (him not wanting to bw monogamous )
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Old 10-02-2015, 06:01 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vinsanity0 View Post
Playing Devil's Advocate here for a minute...

Mono people seem to feel that if their partner says they want poly, then they can't possibly love them because they want to be with others. Yes, it is a hard concept to grasp.I am going through a bit of that now with someone who is trying to get me to be monogamous.

I noticed you mentioned that he is picking his happiness over yours. But by insisting on monogamy, aren't you asking him to put your happiness over his? Point being neither one of you is going to be happy unless you are on the same page. People grow and change. It's great if a couple grows together, but that is not always the case.

Your questions are very generalized. There are no "norms" in poly or any other type of relationship. Relationships aren't really all that different between mono and poly when it comes to the one on one stuff. Some people need emotional support, some don't.

Well he agreed to monogamy when they married. He really is choosing his happiness because they have an agreement.

He doesn't sound poly at all, he sounds like a sex addict who is unhappy with his wife not putting out enough. He wants to have carte Blanche to fuck anyone he wants with his wife's consent but she won't give it.
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