Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 04-18-2013, 04:11 PM
Daisvinci Daisvinci is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 2
Unhappy Need advice on poly? I'm new to this.

I'd like to start off by saying I apologize in advance for this potentially long wall of text. I have a lot to say, a lot of questions, and a lot of worries.

My fiancee and I are long distance - he lives a state away from me, with his ex (our girlfriend, now) and his 2 children by her and her family. Naturally, this has always been a precarious situation even when we were monogamous together.
However, things happened and when he threw out the suggestion during idle conversation, I took the bate. I'm an open minded young woman, and apt to pleasing my fiancee. I adore him, and love him. He's..my soul-mate, silly enough.
That being said, I was apprehensive over the idea as a whole because I am a very...jealous person. Not so much now that I'm older, but I -am- paranoid.
Though I gave it 1 whole week to consider all the angles and details of it, and spoke about it with him (he's only really ever been in poly relationships) and he answered any questions I had. Of course I said yes, and now we're not very long into our new 'poly' relationship now. Maybe 5 days? It feels a lot longer. I had a lot of issues the beginning days, and managed to irradicate most of them in 5 days, proving I'm more than capable of doing this..
However It's very hard. I cannot see him yet, (We'll be moving in with one another in a few months) and it's difficult to see him and our girlfriend kiss, hug, touch, sexual things etc..while I sit there at a computer, useless to join. It makes me feel like the third wheel, honestly, even though I know I'm not - as he's told me multiple times. Surely this makes the situation that much more difficult, right?

Furthermore, I'm deathly afraid of him losing interest in me and gaining interest in her - after everything I've put in and all the effort..
How do I stop feeling that way? Deep down I know he'd never do that to me, I know he wouldn't leave me..or lose interest - but I'm so scared. I'm scared he'll fall deeper in love with her (again) than he is with me. How do I stop feeling this way?

I have set 2 rules..I hope this community understands the primace of them, he doesn't like the, though. These are temporary, of course.

1. No sex with her until I move in with them. I'm a virgin, and it's important to me to be the first one he makes love to in the X amount of time we've been together, and besides that, it just..means something to me. It's a lot to ask, but shes fine by it. He has an issue however. But, in my defense once more she's been able to have 2 children with him, and sleep alone in the same bed with him for years and years and have sex with him solo for years..and years.

2. When we are living together, I'd like to have more opportunity to sleep alone and be alone with him. He and I will be getting married, and I feel like at least temporarily I should have this privilege.

I'd do anything for him - and even thinks out of my comfort zone I'd do even if I wasnt comfortable. I just want to make him happy. Always. With every move I make. I feel as though, however, he wants me to be instantaneously comfortable with this, and not have insecurities at all. I hate disappointing him, and making him not proud of me, so I just feelwhat I'm saying yes to and approving isnt good enough. It isnt to be a nazi-bitch, it's..It's just to make things go smoother so I don't say yes then bawl crying 5 seconds later.

My fiancee and I are on skype 24/7 save for smoking breaks, and bathroom breaks and random errands. Always on cam, always together.
We sleep on Skype as well lately, all 3 of us..and do..do..'things' that aren't out of my comfort zone. I'm still building myself up to being okay with seeing..certain mouth related things. (wink wink)

I have no issue at all with our girlfriend, (his ex). She's lovely, and pretty, and funny and caring. Her and I are quite fond of one another, which is good.
I'm just so severely jealous of what she gets to do with him right now, while I sit in my desk chair sulking.


So, with all that being said..I need advice on it, or helpful hints on what I seem to be missing or whatever.
I really really REALLY want this to work out, and I love my fiancee with all my heart and would love to have a big family with him, his kids, and our now mutual girlfriend. The idea bothered me a bit at first but now..now I'm just excited..but I can't get past my hangups, and periodically he just doesn't seem to understand how difficult it is to be over the computer while they watch. He's beginning to find my questions of my insecurities to sate them - rather annoying, and I do have the insistent desire to be his favorite. Is that wrong? To want to be the favorite or the 'alpha'.

Thank you, thank you, please help <3
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 04-18-2013, 04:55 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

This may not be the type of answer you were looking for, but once again, enough people dislike me and the way i communicate that i have nothing to lose.

What you need to do is get a life. Do something for yourself. Make yourself happy. I don't know you so i don't know what kinds of action items will work, but this is a lifetime thing. Your post is all "him him him i would do anything for him he's the center of my world how can i be the queen of his life". Don't be like that. Please.

I have opinions about this "our girlfriend" business and other things, but i'll leave it to other people to dissect that part for all of us.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 04-18-2013, 05:44 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 847
Default

I was going to attempt to respond from my phablet, but I said forget that. I need the full keyboard on my laptop, so I waited until I got back to my hotel.

I have no idea where to start. He lives with his ex, who is the mother of his two children and her family? Are you moving in with them, or are the five of you moving into a place together? If it was already precarious, then I am not sure that is a good idea.

I think you moved way too fast. You thought about it for a week, and this has been five days? What did you think about over the course of that week? A mono to poly relationship takes a lot of communication, work, and reassurance. Your worries are normal and to be expected. Especially when you move that fast. I understand being open minded, free spirited, flying with the wind, and everything else.

How did it go from him being with both of you as the hinge in a V to it being a triad? I am puzzled by the "our" girlfriend thing. You speak of wanting to make him happy, but you say nothing about her. Are you only with her to make him happy, or do you genuinely have a romantic interest in her? There are a list of ways to do poly.

I understand wanting to please someone and making them happy, but does he feel the same about you? He wants you to magically get over your insecurities in this short amount of time? How unrealistic is that?

Do you have interests and hobbies outside of him? Too much togetherness is suffocating. I am of the mentality that I need to be away from someone so that I will have the chance to miss them. I second what BG said. You need to do something for yourself and be in control of your happiness. Just as he does. Just as she does.

As far as being jealous/envious of her, that is to be likely normal in a LDR. She gets to sleep next to him at night. She gets to see him and touch him every day. She gets the physical side that you will have soon. Anybody would feel that way. I really do not have any advice on that because you are moving there.

As far as your two rules, I think they are not ridiculous. In a poly relationship, it is perfectly acceptable to have needs like alone time, wanting to sleep next to that person, and so on and so forth. If he or she has a problem with it, that is a problem. How long have you and your fiance been together?

I would also suggest that you stop doing things out of your comfort zone if you are not really into them. I would do things because I wanted to. Not because it would make someone else happy. Not because it is what they want either. Stop saying yes or being a yes-woman. It is okay to have opinions, thoughts, feelings, views, wants, and needs of your own.

I need to figure out what else to say to this.

Ry
__________________
Lizzy formerly known as Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 12 years and father of our (3) children.
Closed.

My Blog
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 04-18-2013, 06:13 PM
kkxvlv kkxvlv is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 74
Default

I'm going to suggest you read this thread,

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=43306

because it really opened my eyes to the need to maintain independence in life and that my boyfriend and I (after 6 years) still aren't actually ready to move in with each other.

I've been in long distance relationships where it seems like the simple solution is one of you has a house, one of you isn't super tied down, so just move and be together!

If you move away from the place and people you know and allow yourself to be dependent on his existing life, you risk feeling trapped there no matter what ends up happening with the relationships within that house.

The whole story wasn't very clear. You said she is his ex but that they still live together with their children and they are now in a relationship again. Can you explain what happened there and your relationship with her? I also wasn't clear if you've visited them before. You need to do that. No amount of seeing their life on cam can really prepare you for being in the middle of it.

You also need to spend some time having some real detailed conversations about everyones expectations in living together. This was what really hit home for me from that thread. We've never talked about the day to day details and that is a recipe for a real surprise once all your stuff is there and it's not such an easy situation to reverse.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 04-18-2013, 06:47 PM
NutBusterX's Avatar
NutBusterX NutBusterX is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Central California
Posts: 98
Default

Hi DaisVinci,
I'm Jim. Welcome to the forum. Your situation is very interesting, and complex.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Daisvinci View Post
I have set 2 rules..I hope this community understands the primace of them, he doesn't like the, though. These are temporary, of course.

1. No sex with her until I move in with them. I'm a virgin, and it's important to me to be the first one he makes love to in the X amount of time we've been together, and besides that, it just..means something to me. It's a lot to ask, but shes fine by it. He has an issue however. But, in my defense once more she's been able to have 2 children with him, and sleep alone in the same bed with him for years and years and have sex with him solo for years..and years.

2. When we are living together, I'd like to have more opportunity to sleep alone and be alone with him. He and I will be getting married, and I feel like at least temporarily I should have this privilege.
Please understand I'm not picking on you or casting negativity your way with what I'm about to say. Your virginity caught my eye. I imagine "new to poly+ldr+entangled past of your man with his ex+virginity" to present some tremendous challenges to you. I'm hoping that some of the forum ladies will have good advice to give you. I have some thoughts on the topic, but I think it more appropriately explored from a woman's point of view.

Best of luck, and i will definitely follow this thread.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 04-18-2013, 06:47 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 911
Default

My fiancee and I are on skype 24/7 save for smoking breaks, and bathroom breaks and random errands. Always on cam, always together.
We sleep on Skype as well lately.


You really need to get out of the house and have a life. Stop with the 24/7 contact.

I am head over heels in love with my boyfriend he only live 24 miles from me. BUT we still have lives that need to be led. Folks have to work. Do none of you have a job? We talk once a day when we are apart. I am not even with my husband 24/7.

You need to step back and take a few days break with no contact think really really hard about this set up. I can see a bad train wreck in your future.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 04-18-2013, 06:56 PM
Daisvinci Daisvinci is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 2
Default

We have outside lives - when I made a comment that we're around eachother 24/7, it was a mild exaggeration. However, both of us are the type of person that likes that 'clingy' ness.

He left his ex for me, then we decided upon mutual understanding for betterment of our future and lives, that we should all be together.
He'd only been living with her because of financial situations at the time. I completely trust him in regards to that, as well as her.

I don't see a trainwreck, as he and I are stubborn people. But I -do- like our 'girlfriend'. Very much so.

All I'm wanting is advice on how to cope with the jealous portion of it, especially with it currenly being online.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 04-18-2013, 08:35 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Nowhere
Posts: 1,647
Default

O-kay, the jealousy, how to cope with it:

Try getting together with each of them separately, one-to-one. They have time together without you, you should have time together alone with each of them, especially with her, since you don't know her as well. That might help you cope with your jealousy problem.

Good luck with that.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 04-18-2013, 09:03 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 911
Default

Do have you all met in person and see each other in person or are you an online relationship? How far apart do you live from one another?
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 60/40 split of time. Only due to Murf's and Butch's crappy work schedules.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
internet, poly

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:10 PM.