Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 04-15-2013, 12:39 AM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 7,326
Default

Keep us posted; I hope things work out okay.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 04-15-2013, 04:11 AM
KayFin's Avatar
KayFin KayFin is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Helsinki, Finland
Posts: 18
Default

Quick update,

They had a date yesterday, no melt down on my side. We had a short online discussion after their date ( I was not home last night due my children) and I told her about my insecurity and that I do not want my problem limit her. She once again told that she can pull back (from the new relationship) if I need time and space. At this point I am not asking her to do so.

I am not trying (much at least) to be a superwoman who can handle everything, just being a realist that either I can handle this or then I am not the right person for my partner (and that is not a thing I really want to happen)


Well time to take the kids to school now, have a great week everyone
__________________
the truth is out there..... I only know my side of the story as I see it, it is not the full story or the final truth of things


Kay: tall, lesbian, poly
A: my wife, bi, poly
M: Kay's GF, poly
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 04-15-2013, 05:37 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 3,617
Default

Partner is not in too deep and she's willing to pull back for your well being and the well being of the relationship of (you + her). You state you don't want them together. Those things line up... so why not go with it?

What's so horrible about saying "Hon, thanks. Since you are willing to give it a pass? I'd appreciate you giving this one a pass then. I'm just not feeling great about this one." If the goal is a shared harmonious polyship -- don't be signing up with people you already know you don't get along well with. That's not upping the odds of success for the new polyship.

And thank your partner for her willingness to hear you on that and consideration of you.

Some people are just "messy people." Too messy to date/polyship with. Maybe people like your boss, your parents, etc. Maybe she's on your "messy people" list.

Doesn't have to be a bigger thing than it is. YKWIM?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 04-15-2013 at 05:46 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 04-15-2013, 05:55 PM
KayFin's Avatar
KayFin KayFin is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Helsinki, Finland
Posts: 18
Default

And the saga continues.....

Well my emotions have been in a rollercoaster ride, I had a long talk with my partner and then with my friend. Basically telling them both that I am ok with their relationship what ever it may be in future. Told both of them that I do have insecurities and fears but that they are my problem (and not that huge problem in anyway at this point) and that I do not want to meddle much in their relationship, just that I let them know it is ok by me and after that it is their own thing.

Mymown emotions have been swinging quite wildly, but I would like to think I am adult enoug to think things through and let reason shine through my worst fears. And like I said to the both of them, my partner was in a poly-relationship when we met and I did have open eyes when I became part of her life.... So if I cannot handle things in the end it is my problem not theirs.
__________________
the truth is out there..... I only know my side of the story as I see it, it is not the full story or the final truth of things


Kay: tall, lesbian, poly
A: my wife, bi, poly
M: Kay's GF, poly
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 04-15-2013, 06:03 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 909
Default

There is something I want to note. You are making your feelings seem like they are inferior. They matter, and you have the right to have insecurities, need time to adjust, or whatever else. That is what you feel. Your fears are valid until they subside via reassurance or of your own work from within. I do not care how comfortable you are supposed to be or should be or even what you signed up for. You are owning your feelings. Stop worrying about how your feelings or insecurities will affect anyone else. Remember that you cannot control anyone else's behaviour or how they respond. If your partner decides to back off from the relationship with your friend, know that it was not your fault. You have every right to make your feelings known and to be comfortable. It has nothing to do with limiting her or anyone that you date. Keep working on your fears and insecurities. If your partner is patient, she should be able to slow down and listen to you at the bare minimum and ask what it is that you need from her. Be it understanding, patience, time, or whatever. I wish you luck.

-Ry
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 04-15-2013, 06:41 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 7,326
Default

Right, being poly (or poly-friendly) doesn't mean you have to be perfect. Everyone has their peculiar needs and limitations. I don't think you should just have to choke your worries down, they're not just your problem, you're in a relationship. I would keep a close eye on this partner's budding relationship with this competitive friend and put the brakes on it fast if it is beginning to overwhelm you.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 04-15-2013, 06:53 PM
KayFin's Avatar
KayFin KayFin is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Helsinki, Finland
Posts: 18
Default

Thank you for the input.

I am kind of practical in this, I listed the pros and cons of this (looking things from solely my own perspective) and in the end there are more weight in the pros side... They both do know of my fears and insecurities, but I did say it clearly to the both of them that I want them to proceed and explore what is ahead them.

One of things in me is that I do want to deal with emotions like these and be done with them, all they do is hold me back. I really do not like emotions that hold me back that much. To me this is turning into an opportunity to grow as a person (and yes I do hope it will not backfire) .....

oh and those pros (few of them anyhow)
-I get more time to myself, writing etc. activities
- My partner is with (reasonably) sane woman {there is no such thing as a sane lesbian}
-My partner is not with some psychotich ex of mine (I have been around, and only half joking about those ex's)
-Her new partner is a person I like a lot
__________________
the truth is out there..... I only know my side of the story as I see it, it is not the full story or the final truth of things


Kay: tall, lesbian, poly
A: my wife, bi, poly
M: Kay's GF, poly
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 04-15-2013, 06:59 PM
KayFin's Avatar
KayFin KayFin is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Helsinki, Finland
Posts: 18
Default

And Kevin, no ofcourse not.... exept being me I need to try to be perfect, flaws in me are not acceptable
*joke*
__________________
the truth is out there..... I only know my side of the story as I see it, it is not the full story or the final truth of things


Kay: tall, lesbian, poly
A: my wife, bi, poly
M: Kay's GF, poly
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 04-15-2013, 07:01 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 909
Default

Those are good pros, so you are on the right track. It takes a bit of work and time to adapt to things. As long as she/they are being supportive and understanding, then, it will be fine.

It helps to be able to get those feelings out, and I write when I am in deep thought. You may not ever be able to get rid of these emotions permanently. They may very well pop up again, but the beauty is that, you will know how to deal with them and work through them. I consider that a pro.

-Ry
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 04-15-2013, 07:15 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 7,326
Default

It sounds like the situation is pretty much under control. Carry on, but with caution.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:14 AM.