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  #11  
Old 04-11-2013, 08:59 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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It's tough. I have those same insecurities.

The one thing to remember is FJ has been with you 13 years. If y'all are good, and it sounds like you are, there's no reason you're going to be left behind. You might not get the attention you want, but that's negotiable.

edit: Oh, one thing I've been working on, being psycho (directed at me) certainly isn't going to make anyone want to spend time with you. Be as supportive as possible, and they'll want you around and want to support you.

Doesn't make it easy though. Good luck.
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Last edited by Nox; 04-11-2013 at 09:01 PM.
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  #12  
Old 04-11-2013, 09:20 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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"My biggest question, is what do I have the right to ask for?"

Let's start with this: what do you WANT to ask for?
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  #13  
Old 04-11-2013, 09:43 PM
kkxvlv kkxvlv is offline
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I have no experience with this situation but it sounds like what you need to ask for is the freedom to experience, talk about, and work through your feelings without them jumping to fix it by pulling away from their connection or declaring you can't share them. You don't know that yet so don't let them tell you what you can handle. You're just having a bit of a freak out and need the time to figure it out for yourself. Something has changed and change can be jarring. I would imagine it would be especially jarring when it happens right in front of your face during a threesome. Its ok to need some time to adjust. Allow yourself that freedom to feel too.
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  #14  
Old 04-11-2013, 09:48 PM
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franchescasc franchescasc is offline
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Default What to ask for

That's a good question. I am not comfortable with the thought of them together solo. Is that my issue or something I can ask for? I get alone time with them. I don't want to dictate their relationship. But I am not sure o could handle that level of a relationship between them.
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  #15  
Old 04-11-2013, 10:08 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by franchescasc View Post
That's a good question. I am not comfortable with the thought of them together solo. Is that my issue or something I can ask for? I get alone time with them. I don't want to dictate their relationship. But I am not sure o could handle that level of a relationship between them.
Do you feel like that's a "forever" thing or an "until I get more comfortable" thing? Because if they're really falling in love, I do think it would be too much to ask for them to never be alone together forever, and they might just wanna stop now. But for a while, sure. Just my take.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #16  
Old 04-11-2013, 10:11 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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For the record, it's also ok to not know the answers to these things now. This is all pretty new. Your feelings shifted from positive to negative pretty quickly, they could potentially shift quickly again, given some time and space.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #17  
Old 04-11-2013, 10:13 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Just a few thoughts...

Quote:
Originally Posted by franchescasc View Post
Last night was pretty awful, with the 2 of them interpreting my words as saying I couldn't share them, etc. Which is not fair, because I explicitly said that I was not the only person to consider, and that their feelings for eachother were important to me. I said to both of them that these emotions are normal to come up, that I just needed to be heard and work through them, and have the space to feel safe saying them. They both responded that they would just back off, and we didn't have to have a relationship. The more I tried to assure them that was not what I was asking for, the worse it got. So I finally shut up, they both processed what I had said, and today seems good, I got some of the reassurances I was looking for. Still have some reservations, but it seems like we're all going to make it through this.
It seems, from this, that they need a little more time to process things that you say...or they jump right into "drastic fix-it mode" (we'll stop, it's over, etc.) You mention that they are introverts - I am this way as well - I often need at least a day to respond to a situation/statement and really contemplate my response - I often have an initial reaction that then gives way to my "true" feelings on a subject. And if I feel like an answer is needed urgently (i.e. MrS is upset and in pain) I jump right into "sacrifice" mode because I so desperately need him to "feel better." You should keep this in mind for your Saturday talk.

I've seen some really excellent suggestions (here and elsewhere) for conducting these discussions. Some things you might consider - have everyone write up a little blurb about what their primary concerns are and how they think they could be addressed. Share these with everyone BEFORE Saturday but agree to NOT talk about them UNTIL Saturday - this is to give the introverts time to process.

(So you could write something along the lines of: "I am really excited about the connection you two are forming but I worry that I am going to feel left out. And THEN I worry that if I SAY that I am feeling left out that you two will want to STOP forming your connection - because I know you both care about me and don't want me to be unhappy. I want you two to be free to develop your connection - because I want you guys to be as happy as you can be TOO. I think that we could address this by: 1.) making sure that EACH dyad has "alone" time (without sex for now) - uninterrupted by the third person - including texts etc. 2.) We could hold off on "3 somes" for two weeks (or some other shortish period of time) - to let the new dynamic settle it OR we could rotate which person is the "center of attention" for any given encounter 3.) We could all three email each other once a week with our thoughts/concerns/experiences and then discuss them all together a few days later after everyone has had time to reflect.")

Also, you probably won't get through as many topics as you think in one session - and you should plan frequent "breaks" to account for the fact that you are going to be talking about some pretty emotionally laden stuff that each person will need time to process. If someone starts to get upset or agitated...call a break.




Quote:
Originally Posted by franchescasc View Post
I told her I worried I had pushed her and FJ away and she responded that it wasn't that easy to get rid of her.
THIS sounds very, very reassuring to me given your concerns about her levels of communication initially and her expectations of where your relationship can go.

JaneQ
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MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


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Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 04-11-2013 at 10:23 PM.
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  #18  
Old 04-11-2013, 10:19 PM
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franchescasc franchescasc is offline
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Default Forever?

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Do you feel like that's a "forever" thing or an "until I get more comfortable" thing? Because if they're really falling in love, I do think it would be too much to ask for them to never be alone together forever, and they might just wanna stop now. But for a while, sure. Just my take.
I'm not sure. I feel like I can imagine a safe space where my needs are being met and be ok with it. But I didn't think I'd react like this, so who knows. I just feel selfish asking for something they're not asking for.
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Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous
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  #19  
Old 04-11-2013, 10:23 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by franchescasc View Post
I'm not sure. I feel like I can imagine a safe space where my needs are being met and be ok with it. But I didn't think I'd react like this, so who knows. I just feel selfish asking for something they're not asking for.
I honestly think asking them to wait until you've passed through this new, panicky period is ok. And I think not knowing for sure that you will pass through it, but being ready to aim for it, is ok too. But I also do think that you're going to want to set some very clear boundaries in that case, so that misunderstandings don't leave them feeling frustrated and you feeling betrayed (ex. can they make out alone together? second base? etc.? or just no alone time period?).
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #20  
Old 04-12-2013, 12:29 AM
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franchescasc franchescasc is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
Just a few thoughts...
THIS sounds very, very reassuring to me given your concerns about her levels of communication initially and her expectations of where your relationship can go.

JaneQ
I am extremely reassured. It seems like she is being more vulnerable and willing to talk. This is a relief
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MD-35, gf for 8 months
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