Compersion Suddenly Hits a Wall

I feel like I should link to my stories before diving into my newest poly struggle:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=40446
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=44029

But I'll try and summarize here as well: My hubby FJ and I have been together since I was 14 and he was 17. We dated for 4 years, and remained virgins (although we were physical in other ways) until we were married at 18 and 21. Sex is not something frivolous for us at all. It has always meant commitment and an almost spiritual bond. Life has been full of ups and downs, but in the end FJ and I have grown together, communicated the hell out of things, and are absolutely 100% head over heels in love and on solid foundation.

We have a fabulous sex life. Honesty helps with that tremendously, and previously having never been with anyone else. I can talk to him about anything.

When I really got honest about my physical attraction to women, and desire to be with a woman, he absolutely supported me. We discussed our boundaries, etc., before it was even a possibility. He expressed fantasies of being with another woman, but said he didn't think he could ever have just a fling, and didn't think he could handle another relationship, which was fine by me. I didn't expect to ever have the chance to be with another woman, and didn't really like the thought of him with another woman, anyway.

I met MD about a year ago, and we casually hung out in groups of people off and on. I always enjoyed being around her, and developed a major crush on her one night listening to her sing. In November, I took MD home one night after hanging out at a birthday party. She had been flirting, saying she'd fuck me all night. She was definitely drinking, and was maybe saying more than she wanted to, but I was surprised as hell. We made out that night and got pretty physical.

We had an instant connection, and dove headlong into NRE, not able to stop talking, sneaking in kisses, etc. There have been ups and downs, as MD gave her ex (and father of her daughter) another chance in December and we stopped the physical part of our relationship. Then he broke her heart again after Christmas, and things started up again in February. Since the very first day, we've been in constant contact. We are very close friends, as well as lovers. We are in love with each other, and both express that we feel this is way beyond a merely physical relationship.

I have often felt like I can't tell MD exactly how I'm feeling. I tend to overanalyze and overthink emotional situations, because I am a very logical person. I like to have answers and conclusions, a future goal, if you will. MD is reserved with her feelings. I really have to draw them out of her sometimes. I have felt like my intense need to communicate would push her away, so at times I've sat with my mind reeling, obsessing over the relationship. But that has gotten much better. We have really had a turning point, and she has emphatically insisted that we talk openly, and has said that's one thing she loves about me, that I say what I'm feeling, and check in on her feelings. So, as a result, I feel a lot more vulnerable because I'm not holding back.

About 2 weeks ago, I could tell there were sparks between FJ & MD. I talked at length with FJ about it, and how we felt about the three of us being together. I talked with MD about it. She was surprised, but definitely interested. At the same time, she was very hesitant, and insisted she didn't want to come between what FJ and I have, and kept asking me if I was sure.

I honestly had only positive feelings about it, these two people that I love with every fiber of my being connecting and loving each other. It made me smile, and it was all we could talk about. I encouraged it all very much. Not long after, MD came over and spent the night. A glorious, entangled night. There was no sex between FJ and MD at that point, just lots of touching and kissing.

Everyone was happy after that Saturday night, and we all felt good about it, including me. Watching them kiss was magical. I loved it! I spent the next Monday with MD at her house solo, and we had the most intense night of our entire relationship. It felt like we had let the walls down, and were now completely vulnerable to each other. I saw her that Thursday night as well, and we had a great time.

The next Saturday rolled around, and we all had dinner together again, and once the kids were asleep, we fell into bed with each other. FJ and MD did have intercourse, but it was brief, and I was definitely still the center of the intensity. We all loved it, and had a great night. I was still completely happy, and in fact, had wished they had more of an opportunity to have sex that night.

At this point, MD & FJ had been texting back and forth pretty regularly, flirting and building a relationship beyond the bedroom, which I loved to hear about. I insisted FJ didn't need to share his texts with me, because I trust them implicitly. I hung out with MD the next night, Sunday, but just a couple hours of couch snuggle time, just the two of us.

Continued....

Now to this week....if you're keeping tracking of time this is just a mere 8 days since our first threesome, and 2 weeks from the subject coming up....Mondays are MD's nights off of work, and FJ and I were both really hoping she would come over that night. There had been lots of sexy flirting via text all day between the three of us. That night, MD couldn't come over, but we had a little fun via text, and FJ took the lead with the texting. At this point, I'm still a happy camper, and happy that FJ and MD are talking and building feelings for eachother. Yesterday evening, we went to have dinner at MD's house. Totally unplanned, on a school night. We had the kids with us, and all enjoyed the warm day, some cold beer on the porch and pizza and movie time. MD & FJ had a new intensity for eachother last night. I could feel the electricity, and they both described it as mind blowing and out of body experience. When the sun went down, the kids all went in to watch a movie, and there were lots of make out sessions between all of us, but certainly MD & FJ more. After everyone was asleep, we moved into the bedroom and they had sex twice. They both played with me, but when they were together, it was def like I wasn't there. The intensity I usually feel with the both of them when I'm with them wasn't there, it was their connection. FJ took the kids home and I stayed at MD's house since I work early in the morning right down the street from her place, and we live pretty far away. I also got up to give FJ a kiss goodbye, and he lingered with MD and barely hugged me.

MD could tell something was wrong and immediately asked me. I said that I felt we got carried away, I was uncomfortable with the kids being asleep elsewhere on a school night and then home late, but that I was happy for them. I said that I felt a little uneasy, but that I was unsure why and needed to sort my feelings. We talked a long time about the future, and how I was scared that we would hurt her. (I've read so many stories here from a secondaries perspective to try and make sure we aren't falling into the same traps). She said that she had her eyes wide open, and wouldn't be involved with us if she didn't want to be. When I pressed her about what she wanted/needed, she said she'd never have what FJ and I have, that she wants someone to share her life with, someone to make coffee for her in the morning. But she said she knew she'd never have that. She's been screwed over pretty hard in her life. And she always says-"It's not like this can be much more than it is now, but I don't want to lose you". Refer back to my future-planner-goal personality, and you know that hurts to hear. We ended that convo with the purpose to live in the moment and enjoy it and stop overanalyzing and worrying about what the future should look like. (We live in a VERY small town, and could absolutely not come out without perhaps losing one or all jobs) We fell into bed together again, and then blissfully asleep.

I woke up this morning next to her, feeling mostly good. A little worried about last night's events, but not too bad. As the day progressed, I certainly did not feel okay. I am a jumble of emotions, but this is what I've got so far:

-The intensity of FJ & MD's connection while they were together yesterday surprised me. It was fast and furious, and I didn't expect it to be that way so quickly.
-FJ did not have sex with me to climax last night, and that bothered me paired with the intensity they were sharing. Made me feel unwanted.
-MD said a couple of times how she wasn't really attracted to women, that I was the first, and she never imagined being with a woman like she is with me. This was all said in the context of-"but it's amazing", but it felt weird to me. I can't put my finger on why.
-After FJ left, MD said that I got her off faster and better than FJ. I believe it was in an attempt to compliment me. But I don't ever compare the sex I have with the two of them, and I didn't like being compared, especially after all that had just happened. It felt like a consolation prize.
-After FJ left, MD and he texted several times and it irritated me. All about how amazing the night was, very sexual things, etc. I got a text from FJ that said goodnight, have a good time with MD. Again, I felt slighted.
-MD is the only person FJ has ever been with besides me.

Up until last night, I felt total joy when the 2 of them flirted, made out, had sex, texted, etc etc. I'm not sure how to handle my feelings about this. I don't know if I'm jealous, insecure, upset, or what....or all of those things?? In my attempt to tell MD how I was feeling, she is now feeling guilty. Saying she was afraid this would happen, that she'll back off from our marriage, stay out of the bedroom, and that she saw fear in my eyes last night. I am trying to explain that last night was the only time I had a problem at all, that I was conflicted, and just working things out. That I needed reassurance, not for her to back off necessarily.

I know that her and FJ both still feel like last night was amazing. In fact they are telling eachother I love you. They both still have intense feelings for eachother-NRE. I don't feel like it's fair of me to ask them to give any of that up. After all, I encouraged it. Who the hell am I to have a pity party over being insecure about what went down one night.

Question is, where do I go from here?

I would suggest being clear about your feelings, and asking them to go slow, but not putting on the brakes entirely. It would be way hypocritical, and would likely breed resentment, if you denied them the very passion that you've enjoyed being in the center of, just because you're not necessarily front and center at all times any more. But your feelings are important, and it's ok to be having more trouble than you expected. Do some reading about jealousy (in case you haven't already been over there, www.morethantwo.com is great for this), keep talking, ask for special treatment if you need it (maybe an extra-fun date just for you and her, or you and him). Encourage them to be completely honest with you -- there's a danger that they might hide certain things to spare your feelings, not realizing that that'll just make you feel a million times worse when you discover it.

Maybe it would be better not to do threesomes for now, if you have a hard time watching them? Just stick to the three dyads, maybe.

I really think you guys are going to be ok, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders! Just remember, compersion does not make you a good person, jealousy does not make you a bad person, they're just feelings to either enjoy or work through.

This interests me because it touches on the NRE I hear so much about. I understand your feelings, but I also understand the guilt you feel because you have them. It's a slippery slope, you want them to bond, but you don't want to live in a state of high anxiety. I would think that sitting both down and expressing your feelings in a well thought out manner would alleviate everything for you, and for them. It seems like if the scenario is as it seems you will all be the better for it.

I had many similar feelings the first 2 times my gf, my bf and I had sex as a threesome. First we had a sort of sexy cuddle session with me in the middle. No real sex. After the movie ended that we were barely watching, gf left the room and bf and I went at it.

Second time, same scenario, only we proceeded to hot exciting fun 3way sex. I was still emotionally fine.

Next time, bf decided to concentrate on my gf, and I felt left out. Awkward, third wheelish.

I discussed it with them both separately. Ginger, my bf, was understanding and sensitive to my feelings. Gf had also felt he was paying "too much" attention to her and so we didn't have a conflict.

Next time was my birthday and I ate sushi off gf while bf took pix, then we had nice sexy time that was relaxed emtionally... Ginger went back and forth between the 2 women in a equal sort of way. I was also more aware that I didn't need to freak out if I wasn't the center of attention. I even got tired at one point and let them both go at it and I just enjoyed watching for a while.

I posted about all this here. I got good advice from others. Sometimes 3ways are equal, sometimes 2 of the 3 are more in tune... No one session is the be-all, end-all. Not every one is going to be fireworks for all 3 people.

Now, you have the added wrinkle of having both been virgins til you got married... Whereas Ginger and miss pixi and I have had dozens of lovers each over the years. Your husband especially, is head over heels to be making love with a different woman. It's a huge turn on! This soul mate, out of body exp they are feeling is NRE combined with other emotions. It will level out as long as no one does anything drastic and time is managed well.

Nothing wrong with asking your h and gf to take a break from sex while you get used to the whole thing. There are ideals, and then there is reality.

update

Thanks for all of the advice. Still working through the feelings, and getting my partners to talk to me about theirs, and considering they are both introverts who tend to hold things in makes this difficult! In fact, as an intense communicator (I've led communication seminars and majored in interpersonal communication in college), it makes me feel like I'm obsessive and pushing them away. That's tough when all I'm looking for is reassurance. I am not blaming, or even mad. Simply looking to communicate my needs and have them heard for the future. Sigh. I don't read people very well, and these 2 are both quite intuitive. Whereas they can tell if something is amiss, I often have to ask to make sure I'm not missing something.

Last night was pretty awful, with the 2 of them interpreting my words as saying I couldn't share them, etc. Which is not fair, because I explicitly said that I was not the only person to consider, and that their feelings for eachother were important to me. I said to both of them that these emotions are normal to come up, that I just needed to be heard and work through them, and have the space to feel safe saying them. They both responded that they would just back off, and we didn't have to have a relationship. The more I tried to assure them that was not what I was asking for, the worse it got. So I finally shut up, they both processed what I had said, and today seems good, I got some of the reassurances I was looking for. Still have some reservations, but it seems like we're all going to make it through this.

Thankfully, MD has continued to be open, and suggested we schedule out a time without kids around to sit down and put it all out on the table, and discuss what we all want and what would hurt us. I told her I worried I had pushed her and FJ away and she responded that it wasn't that easy to get rid of her. Whew. I had lunch with her today, and it was good to see her face to face. Her and FJ have been texting, and they both seem less doomsday-ish. So, here's to finding a babysitter for Saturday so we can all sit down and work on the relationships.

I am not blaming, or even mad.

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If I had a nickle for every time i've said that!

Just talk to me!! Need input!

Main Concern

I have identified my main concern:

Since this started, I have had all of the intense feelings focused on me from my 2 partners. I worry that now they have these new and very exciting feelings for each other that they will lose their intensity for me. That I will somehow be left behind.

I don't know that this is an irrational fear or not. I can't control their feelings....and if they do take a turn for the two of them primarily instead of me, I can't do anything about that. But I would be devastated. Not sure what if anything to do about that.

Any advice welcome.

It sounds like they think that this should be effortless if it's "meant to be".

I hope that you can help them understand that a little effort could make a huge difference for the better. I have met people who are monogamous and approach things with this mindset, so this is not a "poly issue" you have here, it's a people issue. It just has aspects that are a little unfamiliar.

Can't you call a time-out and get everyone to just be real for a minute? You don't sound like a bunch of irrational people. You're not throwing tantrums and pouting like children, like someone described in one of the other threads... are you?

I'll try...

That's the plan, to talk on Saturday and lay it all out on the table. We are not irrational, or pouty at all

My biggest question, is what do I have the right to ask for? Yes, I can voice my concerns and fears. But then what? What am I asking for? I've had so much freedom to explore with MD, so I feel almost obligated to give that to them whether I'm comfortable with it or not.

It's tough. I have those same insecurities.

The one thing to remember is FJ has been with you 13 years. If y'all are good, and it sounds like you are, there's no reason you're going to be left behind. You might not get the attention you want, but that's negotiable.

edit: Oh, one thing I've been working on, being psycho (directed at me) certainly isn't going to make anyone want to spend time with you. Be as supportive as possible, and they'll want you around and want to support you.

Doesn't make it easy though. Good luck.

"My biggest question, is what do I have the right to ask for?"

Let's start with this: what do you WANT to ask for?

I have no experience with this situation but it sounds like what you need to ask for is the freedom to experience, talk about, and work through your feelings without them jumping to fix it by pulling away from their connection or declaring you can't share them. You don't know that yet so don't let them tell you what you can handle. You're just having a bit of a freak out and need the time to figure it out for yourself. Something has changed and change can be jarring. I would imagine it would be especially jarring when it happens right in front of your face during a threesome. Its ok to need some time to adjust. Allow yourself that freedom to feel too.

What to ask for

That's a good question. I am not comfortable with the thought of them together solo. Is that my issue or something I can ask for? I get alone time with them. I don't want to dictate their relationship. But I am not sure o could handle that level of a relationship between them.

franchescasc said:

That's a good question. I am not comfortable with the thought of them together solo. Is that my issue or something I can ask for? I get alone time with them. I don't want to dictate their relationship. But I am not sure o could handle that level of a relationship between them.

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Do you feel like that's a "forever" thing or an "until I get more comfortable" thing? Because if they're really falling in love, I do think it would be too much to ask for them to never be alone together forever, and they might just wanna stop now. But for a while, sure. Just my take.

For the record, it's also ok to not know the answers to these things now. This is all pretty new. Your feelings shifted from positive to negative pretty quickly, they could potentially shift quickly again, given some time and space.

Just a few thoughts...

franchescasc said:

Last night was pretty awful, with the 2 of them interpreting my words as saying I couldn't share them, etc. Which is not fair, because I explicitly said that I was not the only person to consider, and that their feelings for eachother were important to me. I said to both of them that these emotions are normal to come up, that I just needed to be heard and work through them, and have the space to feel safe saying them. They both responded that they would just back off, and we didn't have to have a relationship. The more I tried to assure them that was not what I was asking for, the worse it got. So I finally shut up, they both processed what I had said, and today seems good, I got some of the reassurances I was looking for. Still have some reservations, but it seems like we're all going to make it through this.

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It seems, from this, that they need a little more time to process things that you say...or they jump right into "drastic fix-it mode" (we'll stop, it's over, etc.) You mention that they are introverts - I am this way as well - I often need at least a day to respond to a situation/statement and really contemplate my response - I often have an initial reaction that then gives way to my "true" feelings on a subject. And if I feel like an answer is needed urgently (i.e. MrS is upset and in pain) I jump right into "sacrifice" mode because I so desperately need him to "feel better." You should keep this in mind for your Saturday talk.

I've seen some really excellent suggestions (here and elsewhere) for conducting these discussions. Some things you might consider - have everyone write up a little blurb about what their primary concerns are and how they think they could be addressed. Share these with everyone BEFORE Saturday but agree to NOT talk about them UNTIL Saturday - this is to give the introverts time to process.

(So you could write something along the lines of: "I am really excited about the connection you two are forming but I worry that I am going to feel left out. And THEN I worry that if I SAY that I am feeling left out that you two will want to STOP forming your connection - because I know you both care about me and don't want me to be unhappy. I want you two to be free to develop your connection - because I want you guys to be as happy as you can be TOO. I think that we could address this by: 1.) making sure that EACH dyad has "alone" time (without sex for now) - uninterrupted by the third person - including texts etc. 2.) We could hold off on "3 somes" for two weeks (or some other shortish period of time) - to let the new dynamic settle it OR we could rotate which person is the "center of attention" for any given encounter 3.) We could all three email each other once a week with our thoughts/concerns/experiences and then discuss them all together a few days later after everyone has had time to reflect.")

Also, you probably won't get through as many topics as you think in one session - and you should plan frequent "breaks" to account for the fact that you are going to be talking about some pretty emotionally laden stuff that each person will need time to process. If someone starts to get upset or agitated...call a break.

franchescasc said:

I told her I worried I had pushed her and FJ away and she responded that it wasn't that easy to get rid of her.

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THIS sounds very, very reassuring to me given your concerns about her levels of communication initially and her expectations of where your relationship can go.

JaneQ

Forever?

AnnabelMore said:

Do you feel like that's a "forever" thing or an "until I get more comfortable" thing? Because if they're really falling in love, I do think it would be too much to ask for them to never be alone together forever, and they might just wanna stop now. But for a while, sure. Just my take.

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I'm not sure. I feel like I can imagine a safe space where my needs are being met and be ok with it. But I didn't think I'd react like this, so who knows. I just feel selfish asking for something they're not asking for.

franchescasc said:

I'm not sure. I feel like I can imagine a safe space where my needs are being met and be ok with it. But I didn't think I'd react like this, so who knows. I just feel selfish asking for something they're not asking for.

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I honestly think asking them to wait until you've passed through this new, panicky period is ok. And I think not knowing for sure that you will pass through it, but being ready to aim for it, is ok too. But I also do think that you're going to want to set some very clear boundaries in that case, so that misunderstandings don't leave them feeling frustrated and you feeling betrayed (ex. can they make out alone together? second base? etc.? or just no alone time period?).

JaneQSmythe said:

Just a few thoughts...
THIS sounds very, very reassuring to me given your concerns about her levels of communication initially and her expectations of where your relationship can go.

JaneQ

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I am extremely reassured. It seems like she is being more vulnerable and willing to talk. This is a relief