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Old 04-04-2013, 06:36 PM
Chewy Chewy is offline
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Hello! I'm "C" - 29, married to "W" for 10 years. We have three children ages 8, 6 and 4.

W and I were married young (23 and 20) and we've had a lot of bumps along the road in our marriage. I have always had sexual hangups due to sexual abuse in my childhood and that has led to a lot of intimacy issues. I was self-conscious about sex and very hesitant to let go of control, which made W feel rejected and perhaps emasculated. W has sought out attention from other women in the past, flirting with female coworkers, etc. This happened in cycles, with me finding out and confronting W, and W promising never to let it happen again. I have been very suspicious and found it difficult to trust W over the years...I became less and less interested in being intimate with him and found myself snooping in his email and going through his text messages because I was sure he was doing it again. The snooping made me feel guilty and ashamed, but I justified it to myself because I knew he wouldn't tell me the truth if I asked him.

About a year and a half ago I noticed that our cell phone bill was higher than usual, so I went online to figure out what was causing the extra charges. I saw that W had hundreds of texts when he usually didn't text much at all. I looked up the one number he seemed to be texting the most and tried to figure out who the number belonged to. When W came home from work I managed to grab his phone and look through some emails and texts, and I found out that the number he'd been texting so much belonged to a woman named "H" who worked with him.

I asked W about H...who she was, why they were texting, etc. He said they just worked together, that she was married and nothing was going on. She lived a couple of hours away but traveled here to work some weekends, and sometimes for a couple of weeks at a time. I remembered he'd mentioned her before, that she sold nutritional supplements and had given him samples of energy drink powder.

A while later I realized he was still texting a lot and I looked through his emails and texts once again. I saw a lot of flirting between them, but also a lot of sex talk. They weren't talking about having sex with each other, but telling each other the details of the sex they were having with their spouses. I confronted W and he told me that they did email and text quite a bit, but that it was mostly just venting to each other about their marriage issues, which led to giving each other updates on how things were going (especially with regard to the intimacy issues between W and I).

I felt hurt, betrayed and violated. I wanted to know what kinds of things W was venting about to H...was he telling her I was a crappy wife, a crappy housekeeper, that I was frigid or bad in bed? I asked him if they were discussing sex because it was thrilling and exciting. He said it was sort of fun/exciting but that it had never progressed further than that.

I told him it was inappropriate to be talking to another woman in that way, that their discussions had violated my privacy and trust. I told him I didn't want him talking to H anymore and he agreed. He apologized and we talked for a long time, opening up a little more than we had in the past.

Fast forward to this past July. I've been seeing my hairstylist for a few years and I've referred a couple of people to her, and she's always thanked me and given me 25% off my next service. She messaged me on Facebook to tell me thank you for the referral and I had no idea what she was talking about. I went in for my next cut/color and asked her who had said I referred them to her. She said it was a woman named H who worked with my husband. I knew immediately it was the same H. I asked W about it and he said that they hadn't been talking except for a quick hello in meetings, but that she asked him where his wife got her hair done and he told her, and that was all.

I had recently gone out with my hairstylist (J) and another girlfriend for a girl's night out and we all had a blast. J told me that H had asked her if we would all like to go out for another girl's night out with her, since she hadn't lived in the area long and didn't have many girlfriends. Now, up to this point I believed she still lived a few hours away and was only in town a couple of times a month. Apparently she'd been offered a position working here full-time and had been living in the area since February.

I told J I'd check to see if I was free but I was a mess inside. I told W about it and he said he thought she was honestly wanting to meet some nice women but he'd understand if I didn't want to go. I was feeling pissed off because I wanted to keep going out for girl's nights with my friends but I didn't want H inserting herself into it.

I was really curious to meet her, sort of a "checking out the competition" sort of thing, but I had a feeling that W had not been completely honest with me about their relationship. I told Wyatt I wanted to go but I didn't want to look like a fool by walking into the restaurant thinking one thing (that they'd talked inappropriately but that was it) if there was more to it than that. I also felt more than a little embarrassed knowing he'd shared such intimate details with her, and complained about my shortcomings.

He opened up a little about what they had talked about - his feelings of rejection, how he resented coming home from work and having to jump in right away to help with housework and taking care of the kids, etc. He also admitted that they would talk to each other in explicit detail about the sex W and I were having. He said he would tell her those things because he used to vent to her about feeling rejected sexually, but W and I had been much more intimate in the last several months. I was happy he'd opened up to me but I asked him to please tell me if there was anything more I should know, and he promised that there wasn't.

Despite my reservations, I went out that night to meet J and H for sushi. I was extremely nervous and felt awkward walking in there to meet her for the first time. I was relieved that H and J were already there when I arrived because I didn't want it to be just H and me staring at each other in awkward silence.

I think H and I both felt awkward at first, but after a cocktail or two we were chatting away and laughing. H and I seemed to have similar senses of humor and a lot in common. I was surprised to realize that I actually really liked her.

Continued in my next post...
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Old 04-05-2013, 04:28 AM
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Hi C,
Welcome to our forum.

I'll look forward to your next post, it sounds like there is quite a bit of story left to tell. It sounds like you and W have some things to work out in your marriage before venturing into poly territory, but I'll wait for your next post without running too far with that assumption.

Glad you could join us,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 04-05-2013, 04:46 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chewy View Post
I told W*** I wanted to go but I didn't want to look like a fool by walking into the restaurant thinking one thing (that they'd talked inappropriately but that was it) if there was more to it than that.
Was that a real name? Did you want to edit that for privacy?
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Old 04-05-2013, 01:30 PM
Chewy Chewy is offline
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That was an oversight...is it too late for me to edit that out? :/
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Old 04-05-2013, 02:15 PM
Chewy Chewy is offline
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It turns out H had bought a house just a few streets away from ours in a neighboring subdivision. She had young children as well. I found myself thinking we could be really great friends...maybe our families could get together and the kids could play with each other. After dinner that night, we chatted on FB quite a bit and arranged to meet for a quick drink after she got off work. We met at a bar&grill and had a couple of beers. H and I seemed to just click...I'm a little more reserved, an introvert and a homebody, but H came off as very confident, outgoing and forward. As we chatted, we got into the subject of "romance parties"...basically a Tupperware party but for adult toys, etc. I told H I'd never been to an adult store and she asked if I wanted to go with her that weekend, and I thought, "sure, why not?"

We went to the store and browsed around...I think H got a kick out of my reaction to some of the more "out there" products. I think the atmosphere made it easier for us to open up and we started talking about more personal things..I shared that I had always felt a bit self-conscious and prudish about sex and H said she'd like to help me come out of my shell. She told me how her best girl friends had sort of done that for her years ago and she'd never looked back. She told me that she'd always fantasized about having a threesome, and my reaction was, "hey, good for you, no judgment here."

We continued to chat on FB throughout the next week and she asked if I wanted to come over Saturday night to hang out. Her husband was going to be gone and she thought it would be fun to lounge around in sweats and talk. We had a great time...a few drinks, girl talk. W texted me at one point asking if we were having fun and said he was bored at home. We had family visiting and the kids were in bed, so H suggested that he come over for a bit. I wondered if it would be weird or awkward for them to be around each other with me there, after everything that had happened, but he came over and we talked and laughed. Around 11pm H said her husband would be home soon and she had to clean up so he wouldn't know she had people over. I wondered what that was all about, but I didn't ask. W and I went home.

Last edited by Chewy; 04-05-2013 at 02:20 PM. Reason: accidental c&p
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Old 04-05-2013, 04:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chewy View Post
That was an oversight...is it too late for me to edit that out? :/
You have 12 hours to edit; but you can appeal to a moderator to change it for you, given the circumstances.
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Old 04-05-2013, 07:41 PM
Chewy Chewy is offline
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H and I chatted a lot the next day. I opened up to her about the issues W and I had (were having) with intimacy. She encouraged me to talk to him about it, for us to open up to each other. That it might be hard at first but it would get easier. I said I felt like I hadn't made W feel wanted in the past, but she pointed out that's it not all on me, that he has to talk to me about what he wants and needs.

Then H told me she had a wild dream the night before about having a threesome. She said she'd always wanted to try it but finding the third person was the hard part. I joked that I'd have to be really drunk to ever do that, and she said if we'd had more to drink the night before who knows what would have happened. She told me she'd often thought about having a threesome with her and two other people...to which I replied, "Oh, I see..." She was like, "I hope you don't think I'm a bad person," and I told her I didn't think that at all. She admitted that she'd been thinking about herself, W and I the night before.

I was surprised but kind of flattered. It was sort of exciting talking about it, but in a hypothetical way. I was like, "Wow, do you think he'd ever go for that?" She said why not ask him, you'll never know unless you ask.

That night when W and I went to bed I decided it would be good for us to talk and open up to each other. We talked about our intimacy issues and really did open up a lot more than we ever had in the past. We got on the topic of spicing things up in the bedroom, so I asked him if he had any ideas. He suggested buying some toys, which I thought could be fun. Then I asked him if he had any fantasies that he'd never shared with me. He hemmed and hawed for a while, then I told him he could tell me anything...I might not be into it but I wouldn't judge him.

Finally, he says he'd always fantasized about being with me and another girl, and seeing me with another girl. I was sort of surprised but only because that was exactly what H and I had been talking about earlier in the day. I asked him if he'd ever pictured that happening with anyone in particular and he said no. I kept pressing him and finally he admitted that H and I had looked good together the night before.
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Old 04-05-2013, 07:59 PM
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I take it the story continues ...
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Old 04-05-2013, 08:09 PM
Chewy Chewy is offline
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It does! I'm sorry to keep you in suspense
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Old 04-05-2013, 08:26 PM
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