Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #61  
Old 02-16-2011, 08:19 PM
whatamIdoing's Avatar
whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: maryland
Posts: 145
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
So J is an addict and alcoholic, and B is a time-bomb.

Sounds like you picked yourself a couple of real winners.

Maybe you should drop them both and figure out what it is about yourself that makes you pick partners with such... textbook issues.

and i'm such a prize myself!
Reply With Quote
  #62  
Old 02-16-2011, 08:24 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatamIdoing View Post
and i'm such a prize myself!
I assume you meant that in a cheeky way, meaning that nobody's perfect.

That's exactly why you should work on yourself instead of getting involved with more people. The better you know yourself, the better equipped you are to deal with partners and their baggage, and you will find that you're not as willing to put up with other people's bullshit when you have worked through your own bullshit. Not "I'm a piece of work so it's ok if my partners are pieces of work because one piece of work deserves another".
Reply With Quote
  #63  
Old 02-16-2011, 08:25 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,105
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatamIdoing View Post
and i'm such a prize myself!
YES, you are! Don't doubt that!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #64  
Old 02-16-2011, 08:34 PM
whatamIdoing's Avatar
whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: maryland
Posts: 145
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
I assume you meant that in a cheeky way, meaning that nobody's perfect.

That's exactly why you should work on yourself instead of getting involved with more people. The better you know yourself, the better equipped you are to deal with partners and their baggage, and you will find that you're not as willing to put up with other people's bullshit when you have worked through your own bullshit. Not "I'm a piece of work so it's ok if my partners are pieces of work because one piece of work deserves another".

Actually no I was being QUITE serious.

YOU guys have no clue the baggage I carry around.... I know myself quite well... therapy from age 9 till past age 40 several psych ward hospitalizations, a degree in psych myself...

as for putting up with the bullshit of others... I have my limits.

J is exactly what i need him to be when I need him to be what I need..... he suits me as a secondary part time relationship just fine. B... well B is my heart and soul. I often mend torn clothing and wear it also.
Reply With Quote
  #65  
Old 02-16-2011, 08:58 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatamIdoing View Post
J is exactly what i need him to be when I need him to be what I need..... he suits me as a secondary part time relationship just fine. B... well B is my heart and soul. I often mend torn clothing and wear it also.

That's a pretty weak metaphor. I've never heard of torn clothing laying its hands on someone in anger.

If things are working so well, then good for you.

Have a great week!

Last edited by NeonKaos; 02-16-2011 at 09:01 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #66  
Old 02-16-2011, 10:38 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,105
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatamIdoing View Post
The other night he was in my face... I turned my back to him in bed and he flipped me over on my back by my shoulder... but it's the first time he laid his hands on me in anger in 8 years together...
Oh, I understand better now.

My husband had one moment of anger like that while we were together (10+ years), but he never actually struck me, nor even pushed me. I never worried that I was "not physically safe" with him, even when he was furious. I always knew he would never hurt me. If he did anything out of rage, it was more likely to be that he would deliberately knock things off a table or something. He only did that once, too. Generally he would just storm out or give me the silent treatment. We actually fought very rarely.

If he ever had tried to hurt me, he would've been out the door immediately. I would never put up with that, and I believe that because of this, I've never attracted the kind of man who gets violent. I am ashamed to admit, however, that once while we were arguing after he told me he wanted a divorce, and I was literally begging him (tearful and screaming nonsense) to stay and not move out, he said something very hurtful and insulting to me -- to which I reacted by slapping him across the face. I was such a mess, but that's no excuse. So, I have experienced how those moments can take possession of our senses. Unfortunately.

You may want to tell B how much that frightened you when he did that, though (if you haven't already).
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #67  
Old 02-16-2011, 11:01 PM
SNeacail's Avatar
SNeacail SNeacail is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Near Disneyland
Posts: 1,532
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatamIdoing View Post
YOU guys have no clue the baggage I carry around.... I know myself quite well... therapy from age 9 till past age 40 several psych ward hospitalizations, a degree in psych myself...
This doesn't mean you have to put up with or accept self destructive/abusive behaviour from others. Just because you have your own issues, that I assume you are working on, doesn't give anyone else in you life license to ignore their own nor should you be expected to excuse it.

I believe a one time thing needs to be addressed immediately, but is not necessarily a reason to walk away, but definitely not ignored or excused.


Quote:
I often mend torn clothing and wear it also.
NK said this metaphor was weak, I just don't get it. It's not your job to fix your partners problems, psych degree or no, especially if they don't want to be fixed.

My husband used to get right in my face (like an inch from my nose) and back me into a corner where I had no escape. It was horrible and I finally told him that he might as well just hit me, because then my terror wouldn't last as long. He was actually horrified when I told him how it effected me and he hasn't done it since.
Reply With Quote
  #68  
Old 02-16-2011, 11:49 PM
whatamIdoing's Avatar
whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: maryland
Posts: 145
Default

The one time thing was addressed. He starts therapy next week. He called and made the appointment himself.

He was told if he EVER lays his hand on me again in anger (even to flip me over in bed) that he's GONE forever. He agrees. He feels he should be arrested and punished for doing what he did. I think that's a bit much.

he is on medication but I am thinking we need to get him evaluated.

A lot of his issues stem from lack of self-esteem which is currently being made worse by body image issues.

both of us in the last 18 months have lost a lot of weight... him over 200 pounds and me over 130... we both have terrible sagging skin that can only be corrected by plastic surgery... we both feel terribly ugly... I'm coping better with it than he is because I'm going to have surgery soon... he's not ready yet as he's still 25 pounds from goal...

B horrified himself when he did it... he sat on the edge of the bed and cried like a baby... saying... call the cops i need to be arrested.... it scared him enough that he begged to go to therapy finally...

as for J... I have no clue what will be with him but I am not his caretaker. We are not even at the point where I know how to define our relationship... If he abuses himself that's his choice. When I go to see him, it's my vacation, it's my party, it's my respite from my day to day life... so drinking and eating bad food and being mindless and useless is a perfect way to spend the weekend....
Reply With Quote
  #69  
Old 02-21-2011, 04:16 PM
whatamIdoing's Avatar
whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: maryland
Posts: 145
Default

my head hurts...

I spent the entire weekend with J.... our relationship is changing... my two new favorite movies have to be "No Strings Attached" and "It's Complicated"... they pretty much describe my life right now...

J brought up the concept of Poly at dinner Saturday night... we were both straight and sober and having a lovely meal out.... we talked about what it means to be a secondary relationship and how it would be too difficult for me to be a primary to both him and B... and how J4 has asked B to be her secondary relationship but she's pushing him a bit too hard too fast and he's not sure he's ready...

I explained NRE to him... I was just being clinical... it never occurred to me that he wanted this info for a reason...

J has said WE need to find him a primary.... he knows that he needs that to be able to deal with having to be second with me....he knows without a primary relationship for himself he will start to place too many demands on me and my time

Sunday was a lovely day until later in the day... we talked about how we feel about each other... we care we both care... we both care more that we've wanted to admit....

towards the end of the visit we were standing in the kitchen hugging each other and I was saying things like "fuck you" and "damn you to hell"... J knew what that was all about... I'm mad... this was supposed to be JUST fun and games and it was supposed to be NSA.... and here we are falling in love with each other...

I got home last night about 10:30 and called him... as requested. he started with "i'm drunk" he was drinking wine... he can't hold his wine... and he was drinking... I knew he was going to he opened the bottle before I left... and why is he drinking himself lonely.... because the bed is empty... because he misses me... because our weekend was awesome... and because he said to me "I'm in NRE with you...." and because he said "I can't see you often unless it's to help me work on finding a primary... and I know you would step aside if you needed to..."

I know this is the fear talking I know this was the wine talking... I know he's talking about staying away to protect his heart... I know I can't be what he needs... I know this makes me sad....

I never ever wanted to fall in love with him.. that was never the plan!
Reply With Quote
  #70  
Old 02-21-2011, 05:04 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by whatamIdoing View Post
I never ever wanted to fall in love with him.. that was never the plan!
You're trying to fight human biology and chemical reactions in your brain my friend....physical intimacy has physiological affects that some people can ignore...but not many. I think the box you just opened is referred to as Pandora's.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
marriage vs. polyamory, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:45 PM.