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  #51  
Old 02-14-2011, 10:26 PM
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Smile

I am really happy for you both!
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #52  
Old 02-15-2011, 04:04 PM
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thanks Cindie..

sadly my excitement was short lived.
my husband cannot handle this lifestyle. not really. he needs to be a cheater.

He was planning next weekend away with J4 (her name has 4 letters) and he can't go because we have prior plans. HE LOST IT. He's insane truly. He just can't figure this out. He is so lost... and I can't help him.

He can't deal with my being friends with J. He can't see that I am not ending my marriage, that J is not a BETTER man or more anything.. just DIFFERENT... he thinks that J is going to steal me away... LIKE I HAVE NO SAY in who I am with. He is insanely jealous of J and my friendship with him. He careens from

you can be friends to

you can't be friends to

you can be friends and lovers to

you can't be friends to

ok I'll try this for a couple of months...

I told him PICK ONE and STICK WITH IT.

I also told him if he picks NO CONTACT with J then he needs to have NO CONTACT with any of his female friends and if he does then I am ending the marriage... so not what I want to do but he really wants to do what he needs to do and not let me do it.

he is insecure and he has no self-esteem. I have told him he needs therapy. he won't go.

I am getting sick and tired of this.

J and I talked about the fact that my marriage may NOT survive this mess and that he would NOT be the cause of the breakup but that B would blame him... and that our mutual friends (a large international community) would think that J was the cause of the marital break up.... we know this is not true and we are prepping to deal with this as needed.

my relationship/friendship with J is not the problem it's just bringing the problem to a head. Ending my friendship with J will not fix the problem it will just put a band aid on something that's pouring out blood and needs to be fixed. Sadly B does not see this.
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  #53  
Old 02-16-2011, 10:10 AM
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bigtime hugs to you... bigtime hugs
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  #54  
Old 02-16-2011, 03:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FlameKat View Post
bigtime hugs to you... bigtime hugs

thanks! ever so much! last night was a bit better.

B has said on his own that he will go to therapy. I'm pleased. Let's see if he can do it.
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  #55  
Old 02-16-2011, 07:23 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whatamIdoing View Post
I told him PICK ONE and STICK WITH IT.
How about YOU pick one and stick with it, and let B figure out how to deal with it?

I don't think you need to keep twisting yourself in all directions every time he waffles. You two have talked and talked and talked about it, do you still feel you need his permission to be with J? I often see that people who waffle, and go back and forth in their insecurities, really just need to be told what to do. They want to know how things are gonna go, and underneath it all appreciate being told directly, firmly, lovingly. If you always make your actions conditional upon what B wants, you guys will never get anywhere. He might be insecure because he feels there is an unknown element that can come into play. I sense that B needs direction or structure, which can come from you standing your ground and saying "this is how it is." Not in a harsh way, but with respect and yet leaving no doubt that this is a new stage in your relationship that he needs to cope with. It could help him to know what he's dealing with, and lead him to find solutions for handling everything, if you just tell B that you and J will continue and he has to learn to trust that you won't leave him. Just a thought.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #56  
Old 02-16-2011, 07:45 PM
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I agree with NYCindie. Sometimes, when a partner is continually indecisive about an issue, you just have to say fuck it and do something to really see what will happen. This does however come with the responsibity of accepting what the outcome could be. His way of coping could be to leave you at the extreme end of the spectrum. On the other hand..you won't know unless you push it.
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  #57  
Old 02-16-2011, 07:52 PM
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whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
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to Cindie and Mono,

Thanks... GREAT advice... and I think I can do that. I think I have to really. And while I'm ok with B leaving me if he has to I doubt he will...

I think I have no choice... B has made an appointment with the therapist. He sees her on the 24th.. she is already seeing me about WLS issues and is well aware of what's going on with B and J and me... I told B that he could and should be totally open and honest with her and he was "she knows about J??? " and I'm like yeah of course.... and she's OK with it... not judgmental at all....

I just worry that until B is more secure in himself and his feelings and really believes I'm not leaving him that I'm not physically safe when he gets upset.
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  #58  
Old 02-16-2011, 08:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whatamIdoing View Post
I just worry that until B is more secure in himself and his feelings and really believes I'm not leaving him that I'm not physically safe when he gets upset.
WHAT???!!! Are you saying there is potential for physical harm directed at you? That is a serious issue that needs addressing, Sweetie!
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #59  
Old 02-16-2011, 08:16 PM
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whatamIdoing whatamIdoing is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
WHAT???!!! Are you saying there is potential for physical harm directed at you? That is a serious issue that needs addressing, Sweetie!

The other night he was in my face... I turned my back to him in bed and he flipped me over on my back by my shoulder... but it's the first time he laid his hands on me in anger in 8 years together...
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  #60  
Old 02-16-2011, 08:16 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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So J is an addict and alcoholic, and B is a time-bomb.

Sounds like you picked yourself a couple of real winners.

Maybe you should drop them both and figure out what it is about yourself that makes you pick partners with such... textbook issues.
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