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  #41  
Old 12-15-2010, 12:45 AM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I am sorry that you are having this dilemma; however, I am glad you didn't leave the forum like you thought about doing after you posted your first thread.

So I'm not sure if I understand correctly - did the three of you have this discussion face-to-face, or not?
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  #42  
Old 12-15-2010, 03:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
I am sorry that you are having this dilemma; however, I am glad you didn't leave the forum like you thought about doing after you posted your first thread.

So I'm not sure if I understand correctly - did the three of you have this discussion face-to-face, or not?

HA! the THREE of us talk together about this... so NOT going to happen. AND YES I KNOW THAT'S NOT RIGHT. I know that it's best if the three of us can sit and talk and not have me be the middle man back and forth. I think J could deal with it now...although the first night when we had a chance he wanted to talk to me alone and that pissed B off and started us off on the wrong foot...

Sadly for me, B is not comfortable with this. He is so afraid of losing me. J lives 2 hours away and I can't even get B to talk with him on the phone or via email even though they have known each other nearly 3 years... They were never close friends... not even friends.. just friendly and now B views him as a rival... B can't see how having J in my life enhances my feelings for him..

J probably would be more amenable to being Poly and being secondary and being ok with all that... but there is no sense in my even talking to him about it until I can get B on board... I mean what's the point in even broaching the subject if B can't deal? J as a secondary relationship for me suits me so well. In my ideal world I would have both.

In reality I have to deal with the current stipulations from B:

1. he can't even bear to hear me talk about J as a secondary relationship. I can only call him MY FRIEND

2. he currently (as of this morning which is a change from last night even) states.. if he knew I was only going to have sex with J once he could deal with it... he could even deal with my continuing to be friends with J if we only had sex ONCE... and that would include my going up to see J... and not have overnights if B was not going to be away overnight.. (as of last night it was NOT having sex EVER with J)...

3. I can talk to J, I can talk about J, I can go and SEE J... he just can't see me having an ongoing sexual relationship with him.

J and I had already agreed to table sex for around 3 months to try to help B deal with his comfort level... I told B this...

There has been a subtle emotional shift in J since our visit that I'm picking up on.... a bit more emotionally open to me and a bit more dependent on me for input and support in things... so not like J from what I know of him

B also has shifted to being more attentive and more loving... and CRYING A LOT... it's so hard when 6'4" 290 pounds cries in my lap like a baby....

B is so scared. and he has no need to be. but only time will heal this for him...

I really really really don't want to give up my friendship with J.
I would MUCH rather have a full relationship with him.. that was the original intent.. NSA sex.. but I think B thought it would be a one shot deal...

now... things are changing...

B is my heart and soul and my life partner and my love and my husband.

J is the counter weight to B... J is not a BETTER man than B (what B thinks) but J is a DIFFERENT man from B... so very different in so many ways that the ONLY things these two men have in common are gaming and ME... that's it.

I'm hurting. I'm hurting for B and his fears that I can't assuage. I"m hurting for ME for being torn and not being able to make B feel better because I REFUSE to lie to him about how I feel about J.... and I hurt for J for not even knowing yet the full extent of what's going on down here... (and it's NOT something I can tell him in email and phone calls right now are limited due to time constraints on his end and timing issues on mine)

IF B cannot COPE with this I can't even begin to bring it up with J.... I can't see that. and i surely can't see J and I presenting this to B... he will take that as an attack and as us ganging up on him...
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  #43  
Old 12-15-2010, 06:53 PM
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Interesting convo with B this afternoon.

He really is trying to process this.. and it takes a lot of screaming and yelling and threatening...and roundabout things to get to the truth of the matter.

so where we stand right now:

1. he does not want to give up the lifestyle
2. he likes when we do things TOGETHER in the lifestyle
3. he does not want me to do things without him
4. he thinks that J wants to and will take me away from him
5. he needs to hear from J that he does not want to take me away from him

I think I can manage this... I told B I have to call J and talk to him about it that our email is reserved for silly stuff and this is an important thing so talking is the critical part...
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  #44  
Old 12-22-2010, 02:53 AM
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well it's been quiet for us...

B and I are both battling some weird virus that starts with multiple cold sores... I even had a fever of 102 on saturday... then we move to a cold. NOT FUN! and B has been so kind and cuddly and worried about me... apparently in the 8 yrs we are together i've never been this sick... he is worried.

He is still struggling with my relationship with J and yet he is letting me play this out as best he can. We have had a lot of fights about this...

this morning he said to me "i hope you are better by the 8th so you don't have to cancel your date with J" .... half facetious half serious. I asked him didn't he want me better for the 31st our anniversary... he's like "I don't matter".. UGH.... i'm not feeding into his insanity.

B went shopping tonite after work... i took advantage of his being out and called J... (it's not that I am hiding my contact and relationship with J it's just that until his comfort level is higher I am trying very hard not to impact on his time with me) it's like night and day... I can so talk to J about how B is or is not coping...

we talked about what B said this morning... J laughed..
we talked about the fact that B and I are fighting about him and J was so amazing... he said "i knew that this was going to be hard on B" I asked him how and he said "anyone who sees him can tell how much he loves you" I was floored. J continued "I knew we were going to have to take this very slow..." He really really amazed me with how aware of B's feelings and needs he is. So NOT what I was expecting from him... again this was supposed to be NSA sex and clearly it's NOT that...

I told J that currently B is on the "you two go at your own pace for sexual contact" and he was pleased. I am pleased and yet nervous too. J and I have a date on January 8th and now I'm attempting to placate B enough so that he can deal with my spending his racing weekend in February with J... it's like the ONLY time of year ever I can have an entire weekend with J without impacting on B's time... and currently that's our deal... My relationship with J cannot impact on B's time. That's not B's rules that's what J and I decided was best for all of us...

we talked about how B thinks that J is going to steal me away from him... J and I feel bad for B but there is a twofold reason we find this amusing.

1. J does not view me as a lifetime partner I'm here for a season or a reason or both... but not forever...
and
2. B makes it sound like I have no free will.. apparently he seems to think if J wants me I have NO say in it... NONE... it's almost comical

so currently things are on an even keel....

of course, I want to be poly. I would love for B to find someone so he can deal with J because I get the feeling J would and could deal with being poly...

i just can't see B ever feeling comfortable with the idea..... but time will tell.

and sadly I still think B hides his contact with other women from me... I was even talking to J about this.. how B hides it... I think for him part of the thrill is NOT getting caught... but i always catch him...

now he asks if when he is off next week can he spend time with his friend C... (yes the one that gave him the bj in the truck) and i'm like FINE... because when I ask to go see J on that february weekend and B says he doesn't want me to I will bring up all the times he does what he wants and I never tell him no.... and i'm going to go.. I fear that it will still be a battle with B for me to go spend time with J that weekend... J and I need to talk about it more and decide how we want to approach this with B....
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  #45  
Old 02-01-2011, 03:48 PM
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well it's been a long time since I've been here... and sadly I'm ranting about the same old stuff....

we have not moved forward much in terms of how my DH is dealing.

J and I have moved forward in our relationship and I fear sadly that my marriage may not survive... and sadly that does not bother me as much as it should.

DH keeps telling me how insecure he is. How J is a better man etc etc etc... same old same old with B...

what's changing is my relationship with J... we've gone from sporadic emails and no phone calls to:

email daily (or almost daily)

several phone calls a week.

we've had three visits and plan a weekend for president's day weekend (B is off racing that weekend and I am free so I am going)

J always said he would not give up Gaming weekends or his one day off a week to see me.. J always told me he was heavily scheduled and would need to fit me in. J lied. we've had two "spontaneous" visits. One of his request... we are friends... we are important to each other... there is sex but it's so NOT the important part of our relationship...

I keep trying to talk to B and explain it to him but he's too needy and I'm tired of being his mommy.

Since B knows about my friendship with J it's not an affair.... but sadly it's not POLY either....

I don't fit in with the affair having people (thankfully) and yet I don't quite fit here either...

and I'm being selfish now.

B wants me to give up J and yet he sits and texts and talks to his female friends (often in front of me) and thinks that's ok since they are not physically intimate. I told him I'd give up the physical part of my relationship with J but that we like to visit and that means overnights since we are two hours apart. but that's not good enough. of course giving up his friends is an option until I say "OK give them up and I'll give up J" then he says no it's ok for now...

the one thing I've made him promise is that IF he needs me to really end it with J that I get one final visit with him to do it face to face... ending a relationship is not something to be done over the phone... especially one that's turning into a close relationship.

And i'm at the point that I do not think I want to end it with J.... so now I have to decide what I want to do.... B is being insane and pushing me and his neediness is sucking me dry...
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  #46  
Old 02-09-2011, 09:09 PM
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well well well things have changed for us in the last week or so.

My DH has met a woman (online at OKCUPID) who is local, married and very POLY.... he likes her. He likes her husband. He knows her husband's GF from high school...

His new friend is willing to wait him out and see what develops as hubby is not ready to take it to a physical level.

I think I like this woman. She's also a J. (how funny is that).... and she constantly tells DH that he needs to chill... that he needs to trust me and let me go and be with MY J and see what happens but to KNOW that I"m always coming back to him.

DH has seen HIS J a few times. They text and talk daily (a lot... which is more than I can say about my J and me)... and he is starting to spend MORE time with her... he was with her on Superbowl Sunday and will see her this friday night... He's starting to relax about my time with J....

I am going to see him next weekend... and I'm relaxing more and more about it.

He's gone scarce on me but I believe it's his pattern to do this before a planned weekend...
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  #47  
Old 02-09-2011, 09:10 PM
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Woot!
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  #48  
Old 02-10-2011, 01:47 PM
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Ha Thanks Cindie!

I'm getting very excited to go see J next weekend... it's our first time together for more than one night...

we had a small family crisis yesterday and while B's J was there for him emotionally my J is nowhere to be found... that's hard for me... that I have jealousy that even though B does not see his J as a sexual partner (she is waiting for him on this aspect of their relationship) he has total support and adoration from her already. She texts him emails him IMs him and talks to him daily.... I'm very jealous of that.

I'm also very concerned that my J is not being honest with himself about how he feels about me. I don't know how to deal with this with him. I have asked him how he feels and he told me "after three visits up here you don't have the right to ask me how I feel"... deep sigh... yeah I do but you don't have to tell me.... but the anger and defensiveness tells me a lot more than you think.

My J is an addict and an alcoholic. I know this... it's NOT a good situation for him... but for what I want/need him for, it works for me.... I just wish we could be there for each other more than we are.
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  #49  
Old 02-10-2011, 10:35 PM
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how surreal is it that I'm upset about something J did (not) do and B picks up on it and asks and he feels bad for me that J hurt me... wow.
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  #50  
Old 02-14-2011, 09:00 PM
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Ah how things change yet more and more..

Friday night B went to be with J and when he walked in at 4:30 in the morning he was all aglow... and I knew... and I was so happy for him.... I pointed out that he should have just stayed the night with her but he had not cleared it with me so he felt bad... He has guilt and he does not know why... J is helping him work through this.

We went away Saturday morning and we had Saturday-Sunday afternoon away from everything.

Some fights about my J again... and texts between B and his J but it was a GREAT time... we needed it.

We got home and B, who is in total NRE rushed to be with J because he won't get to see her for the next two weeks... he got home a bit after midnight all forlorn.. He and J had words over something she said that he took offense at. He over-reacted because he was stressed about something else she spoke to him about.

Seems J is moving a bit faster than B is ready... she'd like a weekend away with him to discuss making their friendship a more formal arrangement... B is still not sure he's ready to be truly poly and is struggling with this... I keep talking to him and letting him know how very ok I am with this for him... and we will see how it goes.

Meanwhile I leave Friday afternoon to spend a weekend with my J... I'm excited about it.. the first time we get more than one night together and the first time I'm comfortable enough to NOT have to talk about B and work through my feelings...
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