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  #31  
Old 12-13-2010, 07:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whatamIdoing View Post
I really need a head banging smiley.
Here ya go!



But that looks like it hurts, so my wish for you is that it turns to this:

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"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #32  
Old 12-13-2010, 08:20 PM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Here ya go!



But that looks like it hurts, so my wish for you is that it turns to this:

Thanks Cindie!

It just goes from bad to worse to almost comical...

I had to text J and WARN him that B is on an insane texting warpath threatening and I quote: “he win I lose no hard feelings and I hope he can make you happer than I ever did” and NOT to engage with him.

I can't WIN here.

I am going to have end the relationship with J. more because it's not fair to him to have this insanity in his face too. It's bad enough I have to deal with it.

I never ever would have done this if B had been honest with me back in November.

this is so hard. I don't WANT to end it with J...
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  #33  
Old 12-13-2010, 08:31 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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I would highly recommend you toss your phone in the garbage and stop texting important information. Intonation, concern and sarcasm get badly lost in text. I "try" to make it a point to never have important discussions over text.

Quote:
I never ever would have done this if B had been honest with me back in November.
Some people just don't know until they are in it, fact of life. Sometimes we end up in situations we may have "wanted" but then couldn't in fact work with. Ideally everyone is adult enough to figure it out. Pull up the pants and move on to fix, or end it.

B loves you, he probably really wanted to try, and will keep fluxuating...poly isn't easy, it takes work. If one person in the grouping ends up giving up, then things fall apart. As long as everyone is invested and is willing to put in the work or have patience. Things can work out in the end.
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  #34  
Old 12-13-2010, 08:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
I would highly recommend you toss your phone in the garbage and stop texting important information. Intonation, concern and sarcasm get badly lost in text. I "try" to make it a point to never have important discussions over text.
thankfully J is not a texter. B I know him... this is word for word what he would say to me face to face. B is being insane. He's overreacting and he's acting badly. I am totally embarrassed by his behavior. When it's just the two of us and he's an idiot i'm ok... but to bring J into this... NOT FAIR to J.

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Quote:
I never ever would have done this if B had been honest with me back in November.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Some people just don't know until they are in it, fact of life. Sometimes we end up in situations we may have "wanted" but then couldn't in fact work with. Ideally everyone is adult enough to figure it out. Pull up the pants and move on to fix, or end it.
I know... I get that. and I know he wanted to let me. He still WANTS to let me. IF he could GIVE me an action to take that he would accept that would make him happy I would do it. But NOTHING I have offered is acceptable to him. NOTHING.

I offered to end it totally with J. NO GO
I offered to just be friends with J NO GO

The ONLY thing that B keeps saying is I should go and be with J because that will make ME happy. He can't seem to deal with what we need to do to make him happy. IF he insists on my being with J then I will do it. If I can't win with B I might as well be with J.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
B loves you, he probably really wanted to try, and will keep fluxuating...poly isn't easy, it takes work. If one person in the grouping ends up giving up, then things fall apart. As long as everyone is invested and is willing to put in the work or have patience. Things can work out in the end.
I keep trying to tell him Let's not talk about it now... he won't stop. I felt bad having to warn J but what else could I do?
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  #35  
Old 12-13-2010, 09:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whatamIdoing View Post
The ONLY thing that B keeps saying is I should go and be with J because that will make ME happy.
When my husband starts making irrational statements, plans and/or accusations I ask him for details on how he is going to carry out said plan and it tends to bring him back to reality. My first question would be why he is trying so hard to get you to leave?

It does sound like he might need to be evaluated for depression and a good marriage councelor would be very useful as well.
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  #36  
Old 12-13-2010, 09:09 PM
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When my husband starts making irrational statements, plans and/or accusations I ask him for details on how he is going to carry out said plan and it tends to bring him back to reality. My first question would be why he is trying so hard to get you to leave?

It does sound like he might need to be evaluated for depression and a good marriage councelor would be very useful as well.

He is already on wellbutrin for depression. as for marriage counseling.. he won't go to counseling marriage or otherwise.

I am not sure why he wants me to leave him... He is my third husband... I am done with ever getting married again... if he wants to leave he can. I will help him pack. I'm tired of this with him... to be honest.. it's MY house. I support us... he's never leaving me. he'd have to move back in with his parents which is where he was... I so love B I do. for so many reasons. but this insanity has to stop.

If he can't deal with my having a relationship with J then he should be ok with my offering to end it right?

but he's NOT!
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  #37  
Old 12-13-2010, 09:37 PM
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Originally Posted by whatamIdoing View Post
He is already on wellbutrin for depression. as for marriage counseling.. he won't go to counseling marriage or otherwise.
Then I seriously wouldn't rule out some kind of chemical interaction that is fueling his irrationality.

Quote:
If he can't deal with my having a relationship with J then he should be ok with my offering to end it right?

but he's NOT!
That is rational thinking, but he is not in a place to even process logic right now.

When I started asking my husband for exact details (his plans, what he would do to make it happen, etc) of a situation he was insisting on, he froze and started to realize what he had really been accusing me of. He hadn't been thinking beyond his own pain and was lashing out.
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  #38  
Old 12-13-2010, 10:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whatamIdoing View Post
He is already on wellbutrin for depression. as for marriage counseling.. he won't go to counseling marriage or otherwise.
Ecch, I hated Wellbutrin. After a while it lost its effectiveness. This is common, I have read.

Perhaps he should try a different antidepressant, or have an adjustment in dosage. My cousin tried about six different meds before she found one that worked for her. I am on Prozac now, and my shrink wanted to change meds but I expressed concern about weight gain, so he decided to up the dosage of Prozac since I've still been able to lose weight with it (I'm in a weight loss program and have a goal to reach). Anyway, I monitor how I'm feeling, and if the higher dosage doesn't do it, then I will change meds. It's important to do that. I know a few people who have been happy with Celexa.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 12-13-2010 at 10:13 PM.
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  #39  
Old 12-14-2010, 03:06 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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It's time to talk to his health care provider, psychologist, or whoever is prescribing his medication. It is possible his over-the-top behavior is a bad reaction to meds, or that the meds are making a bad situation worse. And the bariatric surgery (and the changes that come with that) may also be playing a role. Time to talk to the professionals. For his safety and well-being.

And as for counseling: you don't have to wait for him to agree to go. Go without him; it will be good for YOU. And he may follow your lead. Especially if he sees it's working.
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  #40  
Old 12-14-2010, 12:25 PM
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Thanks everyone... I appreciate it.

I've had years of therapy and I know what's going on with me. B has ALWAYS had this reaction to things. NOTHING new about HOW he's reacting just WHAT he's reacting to.

It looks as if we won't be doing Poly EVER... he can't deal. It also looks as if we are leaving the lifestyle (at least for now)... truth be told I don't mind leaving the lifestyle... but I'm truly sad that he's too afraid to try Poly. I don't dare approach it as he can be mono but I need to be poly. he can't deal with that...

Last night his behavior was so bad, was so manipulative, was so over the top when he asked if I loved him I really wanted to say no... He cannot deal with the thought of my sleeping with J. He has said he no longer feels the desire to be with other women either. But he's ok with us having close friends of the opposite sex.

And I'm ok with that. I'm not sure how J will feel about it since the whole original premise of our relationship was NSA sex... and yes it's morphed into something else. J considers me a sounding board and a friend and a confidant. J has said he's willing to wait for sex... he may have to wait a long long time now... Since neither J or I think lying is acceptable we won't do anything we have to lie about... as much as I would like to....

Sadly I realized I DO NOT want to give up even my friendship with J and B thankfully is OK with that... the problem for me is I don't dare explain to him that the friendship is more of a threat to B than the sex is. I guess since I have permission to be friends, it's not emotional cheating... but yet it is....

I brought this on myself... I did. I needed to keep things to myself and let it play out... lesson learned. I share everything with everyone and wear my heart on my sleeve in neon for all the world to see including B and he's hurting because of it.

He told me that he had a dream last night that he walked in on J and I having sex at our yearly convention and we turned and looked at him and laughed and said "ha we've been doing this since the day we met"... I have no clue if it's true but even if it's not he's thinking that... and it's not true. J and I have not shared so much as a kiss... well not a deep kiss...

I appreciate that B is going to try to move forward in learning to trust me and let me spend time with J... which still will involve my going up to see him and perhaps staying overnight... thankfully B trusts me enough to know a promise is a promise... and I won't break that promise.. so while I can see J and be friends (and being friends includes cuddle buddies for some weird reason THAT is ok)... I can't fully love or commit to J as more than a friend... and not even a friend with benefits...
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