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  #1  
Old 04-07-2013, 07:27 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Default Hello again

Hi all. I am not really a stranger.
Just dropped back in today to see how everyone is doing.
Way back in june last year I decided to not be in any relationship at all (or rather, just be in one with me and my kids) for a whole year. That has gone by in a whizz and is nearly over.
I figured that being on my own sexually is just as valid a state of being as being in a mono relationship or a poly one. I think it was the right decision for me. Did a lot of thinking and also spent a lot of time having the freedom NOT to have to think (about relationships) which was more important.
I am quite happy at the moment, I have got on top (almost) of financial stuff and am quite settled in a new place to live in the town. I see lots of my kids and they can come visit and stay over whenever.
Wondering whether to get back out there and what sort of relationship would suit me.
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Old 04-07-2013, 08:03 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Hey V ,

Glad to hear things are looking up for you.


How did things work out with your wife and the new baby ?


What type of relationships were you considering upon getting back out there ?
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Old 04-07-2013, 10:26 PM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Hey V ,

Glad to hear things are looking up for you.


How did things work out with your wife and the new baby ?


What type of relationships were you considering upon getting back out there ?
Hi Dinged, that's nice of you to remember me. Well nothing has changed really. We still live in separate houses and we co-operate over the children and get on as long as we don't discuss what happened. Neither of us are in a relationship. The other possible father is long gone it seems. The baby is over a year old, she is cute, obviously she is too young to know anything
I don't really know what type of relationships I would want. The last one I tried to keep light but the woman had plans of her own and it quickly became in her mind a commit-or-else thing that I had to get out of.
My polyandry experience (if I can grace it with that name) has helped me have more insight into how relationships work I think.
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Old 04-08-2013, 12:16 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Wow, good to hear from you again. Your absolutely right that being on your own is just as valid as any other relationship configuration.
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Old 04-08-2013, 12:45 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hello vodkafan,

Good to meet you; I've been a member for just about a year now. It's interesting to hear of your situation, and I like the unique approach you took to things. One might call it a "relationship sabbatical," although I'll bet your parental relationship with your kids benefitted from it.

So now you are thinking about maybe getting into a new romantic relationship. Just from what I've read on this thread, it sounds like something relatively light and not too committed would be more your style. Do you think "friends with benefits" is something you'd consider?

I figure there's no need to rush anything; take some time to contemplate your feelings and what works for you, and just ease into the "dating scene" or perhaps better yet, just getting to know people on a platonic level and if it leads into something romantic, well that's nice too.

It sounds like you've taken the lessons of the past into stride, and it seems encouraging that you and your wife usually get along okay. I take it things got pretty rough awhile back there.

If the baby turns out (or appears) to be the "other guy's," do you think you will still think of her as sort of like being your own child? I am curious what your feelings are, but if I'm prying (something I sometimes do), you need not answer that particular question.

Heh, sorry if I started to ramble there; I do that sometimes too.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Old 04-08-2013, 01:42 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Hi thanks SNeacail and kdt.
@ Kevin,
well those are all great questions , I wish I could answer them! Last june I really did decide to completely opt out of worrying or thinking about relationships for a year and give my brain a rest.
So I haven't thought about any of those questions.
Because of that a lot of things just became easier. I adopted an attitude all around of just "let's wait and see what happens" .
One thing I found was that a lot of stress around life is caused by the role we are "supposed" to play. I am talking about gender roles here.
As a man and a husband I was always trying to sort things out. I had to smack my head against a wall to get around this or that problem. Because that's what a man is "supposed " to do.
Like everybody around me was saying that , "hey you have to make your wife do a DNA test- find out who's that baby is ASAP"
I started to think why? The baby is not going anywhere . She's going to be here for a long time.

Friends with benefits sounds good I suppose. They would have to be a friend for me to have sex with them as I couldn't have sex with someone I didn't like.
One thing I did think about was getting more open minded altogether. I have some friends I made online who are into some harmless fetish stuff. Some are male and some are female but of all sexualities. At first talking to them I was very straight in every sense but then I thought where has that got me in life? I let myself go a little way down the road of thinking out of the box sexually.
One of the guys I talked to is also single, the same age as me and is bi curious. We have talked about meeting up.
Although I no longer think that I will be struck by lightning if I played around with some same sex stuff, I don't know what would happen. That would not be a relationship but again a friends with benefits thing. And maybe this whole curiosity is just a reaction to being cheated on by women I trusted in both of my marriages.

A polyamory type situation is, I think, NOT what I am after. Although I could certainly play at it, it would not be fair on the other people in the mix. That's because right now I am lazy. I know that polyamory is extremely hard work. I would , on the face of it be extremely laid back and would not stress about how much I was seeing someone or whether I was getting my fair share of attention. But that would only be because deep down I wouldn't give much of a shit anyway.
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Last edited by vodkafan; 04-08-2013 at 01:46 AM.
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  #7  
Old 04-08-2013, 01:57 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Forgot this.
The one thing I WON'T do is get involved with a married woman (or man, covering all bases I guess!) sexually in any way who wants to hide it from their partner.
I don't do affairs. They hurt.
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Old 04-08-2013, 02:34 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vodkafan View Post
One thing I found was that a lot of stress around life is caused by the role we are "supposed" to play. I am talking about gender roles here.
As a man and a husband I was always trying to sort things out. I had to smack my head against a wall to get around this or that problem. Because that's what a man is "supposed " to do.
I found letting go of the "supposed to's" extremely helpful in being able to let go of my resentments, which enable us to start to re-define and repair our marriage. Still a major work in progress.

Quote:
One thing I did think about was getting more open minded altogether.
this also helped me become all around a happier person.
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Old 04-08-2013, 02:35 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Vodkafan, I've missed you!
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  #10  
Old 04-08-2013, 02:12 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Re (from vodkafan):
Quote:
"I don't do affairs. They hurt."
Well-said.

It sounds like you have gained quite a bit of wisdom and self-understanding, and some of that wisdom was hard-earned. We often work hard at fulfilling the scripts life/society writes out for us, when in the end, it's just as well to be ourselves and follow our own script.

Whatever relationships you have going foward, I hope they bring a sense of rest and happiness.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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