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  #11  
Old 04-09-2013, 08:57 AM
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Originally Posted by choctaw103 View Post
I guess what I am trying to ask is, what is the difference between defining boundaries and expectations between 4 people and 2 other than two more personalities to consider. I just believe that everyone needs different things and so long as those are for the most part met or worked out, what difference does quantity make?
The main problem occurs when the boundaries and expectations are set before there is anyone to discuss them with. You're more likely to build a successful relationship (of however many people there may be involved) if you meet them as people and get to know them rather than saying "Here are my boundaries and expectations. Fit into them or GTFO." Going in with an idea of what you'd like in mind is fine, but getting bent out of shape* when you have trouble finding someone to fit into the particular relationship-shaped hole you've made doesn't help anyone.

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Originally Posted by choctaw103 View Post
I have read here that people have outside relationships (I.e. secondary). Does that mean that you would be less concerned about their well being simply because they are secondary? I just have a hard time understanding because I envision in my head a relationship where everyone has equal say and the same satisfaction and happiness in it.
Some people would use that terminology for that type of relationship, some would use different words to mean the same thing and some use the same words for different things. It's always a good idea to make sure that you understand what the person you're talking to actually means rather than assuming that your definitions match.

* I'm not trying to imply that anyone in this thread is bent out of shape, but it does seem to be a common reaction.
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  #12  
Old 04-09-2013, 09:27 AM
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I have read here that people have outside relationships . . .
Outside relationships? Outside of what???
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  #13  
Old 04-09-2013, 11:58 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Outside relationships? Outside of what???
Outside of space! Of Time!



It's time I came clean. I'm dating a Time Lord. It's complicated but damn does he make a good mug of tea!

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  #14  
Old 04-09-2013, 01:18 PM
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You just made me spit my coffee all over the place.

What I meant was independent of the relationship already established, although yours would be a much more interesting option I think.
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  #15  
Old 04-09-2013, 01:33 PM
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I totally got what you meant, the problem is with what it comes across as. I'm sure you meant it innocently enough but it can come across as somewhat insulting to others.

For example:

I'm married and have a boyfriend. I could say that my boyfriend is an additional relationship. Well all relationships are 'additional' to the ones we already have. However, saying he's my additional partner makes him sound like that freebie sample size package you get when you buy your favorite scented cleaner. He's an extra, just added on. It sort of demeans him.

While you'll find plenty of people here that have spouses and non spouses, couples that have a primary/anchored/established relationship, most learn at some point that it's a matter of changing your thinking.

My boyfriend is not an ADDITION, to anything. He's a person in his own right. Our relationship is our relationship, not an add on, a bonus package. Thinking of my relationship with him in terms that come back to my marriage is a tad rude. I don't think of my husband as an addition to my boyfriend!

It's the idea that your established relationship is THE relationship and everything else must fall in line to that. No one wants to feel that way. NYC will often chime in because, IMHO, she is one of those people here that is NOT in an established relationship that then decided to be poly. She's what some refer to as 'single poly'. So is often the one people think of as 'an addition' so yeah, when you get the brunt of that kind of thinking it kind of irks you. She's not an addition, no one should be. It should be a relationship, on it's own. Not an extra or discount to an existing product.

I really hope I'm making sense here. No one means to be so 'anti couple' here, but it happens and it's frustrating, but it's also understandable. Many couples come to poly and for a sense of safety, they use the whole couple hood as a safety net. That everything else is AN ADDITION to their couple. I get it, but it's still insulting to others. Honestly, hubby and I have never tried dating as a couple, we don't search out a third or a quad. If it happens fine, but we are individuals and date as such. Metamours might never even meet, there is no besties, there is no need. BF is not dating hubby, he's dating ME. Sure he and hubby have jokes and talk through me, they have now met, and BF is part of my life so gets to hear about the kids and work and all that mundane stuffs, but he's not an ADDITION to our family, our marriage.


PS The comment was for NYC and others that were shaking their head at the ADDITION stuff and hoping to lighten things for those that might be frustrated by it. It's not a bad thing, I dont think anyway, but it's just something people don't think about until someone points it out.
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  #16  
Old 04-09-2013, 05:24 PM
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I meant no offense by my post. I also did not mean to offend by my lack of knowledge of acceptable terminology. I respect any dynamic and I think you are entitled to it, more power to you and all that fun stuff.

What I meant to say was, if we are truly tolerant and understanding people, why would any dynamic be out of bounds or off putting. I don't think that my way of thinking is the only way and I sure don't think that only one person here has all the answers, thus the forum and multiple members.

I was merely trying to understand why this way of being poly is unreasonable to some and why it seems so out of reach. I enjoy the company of my wife, and I enjoy the company of other people, excluding one or the other seems contradictory to my happiness, and possibly the happiness of those around me.

I am thankful to any and all of you who have weighed in with an opinion, and it has helped me realize that yes all manners and forms of relationships are good so long as they work for you. I don't really feel anyone owes me or my spouse anything, just as I don't owe them anything either except my honesty.

Once again if I offended, that wasn't my intention. I am new to this and I am just trying to understand how a majority of the dynamics work and then trying to adjust my expectations accordingly. It's not pleasant to think you're getting pie and then you get ice cream instead.

Oh and to the OP, I am so sorry, I in no way or form meant to hijack your post, and I hope you find exactly what you are looking for.
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  #17  
Old 04-09-2013, 05:49 PM
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Well think of it this way. When monogamous people start dating they look for someone that interests them that is interested in them and take it from there. Why is it so different being poly?

Would YOU date a person who told you up front, "Hey I'm only looking to date you, no matter how awesome you may be, if you come in a package deal with someone equally awesome to me." ?

I'm assuming when the couple who is looking for a couple first started dating there wasn't the rule, "Hey you're cool I'd totally date you but I don't like your friend so if you have another friend I like THEN I'll date you." It's all about realistic and unrealistic expectations. Also, learning how what you want may sound to the person you are trying to reach. It does no good to look for a couple you may be interested in if that perfect couple are immediately turned off by the prospect that not only do they have to have chemistry with two people but they must ensure that their partner has equal chemistry. Personally, I don't feel like being responsible for my hubby's or bf's chemistry with other people. That's kind of their deal.
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  #18  
Old 04-10-2013, 01:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vixtoria View Post

would YOU date a person who told you up front, "Hey I'm only looking to date you, no matter how awesome you may be, if you come in a package deal with someone equally awesome to me."
I have a hard time envisioning saying anything like that to anyone, mainly because i've never dated someone I wasn't already friends with. So if this were me, meeting a couple for the first time, my only intention on the table would be friendship. If we can't be friends first, I don't see romance coming from it, so talking about it would be rather cart-before-the-horse. If friends went well, and connections looked good, we could knock on that door; if connections weren't looking promising, then we've got new friends, and that awkward scenario above never had to happen. There's no need to be hurtful or rejecting in the face of getting to know someone.
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  #19  
Old 04-10-2013, 01:58 PM
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Which is fine, the question posed by the OP was about finding a couple specifically to date and when they don't right away like both members of the couple, they seem to give up. Looking for a couple that they both like equally and likes them equally. Taking it slow and getting to know people is the best way. hence the advice to actually get to know someone rather than just dismiss people off hand because they don't feel an automatic and equal connection to two separate people that just happen to be together as well.
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  #20  
Old 04-10-2013, 02:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Vixtoria View Post
Which is fine, the question posed by the OP was about finding a couple specifically to date and when they don't right away like both members of the couple, they seem to give up.
. . .and my ADD let me completely forget the OP's question >.< My bad!
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