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  #1  
Old 12-21-2010, 08:44 AM
felid felid is offline
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Unhappy looking for advice...

Hi, i'm new, and having some troubles.

Background info:

Im new to poly, my boyfriend isn't. I've known from the start that he would be with other women, and he usually has had other people during our relationship.

My issue starts:

So, this summer was basicly just my boyfriend and i, having no other partners at the time, and we planned on going to a kinky camping event. At the event, boyfriend met a woman, C, who he seemed to be very interested in. That night i had a migraine and went to bed early. He went and ended up having sex with this new woman we had both barely known for 10 hours. i found out about it when he came back to our tent early the next morning. Needless to say i was very upset.

First i blamed her, and fantasized about destroying her in true Frank Miller style, but after venting, and crying, and talking extensively i realized that the real issue was with boyfriend, although i still feel like she shares some of the blame. Eventually, again, i forgave him.

I was releived when that weekend was over, as she lives far away from us. In september, boyfriend surprised me by saying that she was coming to visit. i avoided her like the plague but was civil when i had to be. i also took her out for breakfast to try and get to know her better one on one. We talked about my perspective and both of our feelings. i still don't like her.

Fast forward to now:

So, C has now gotten a new job and is moving to our city. i still very much dislike her and know that boyfriend will want to try and pursue a relationship with her.

I don't want to be around her, but i don't want my relationship with boyfriend to be strained either. We don't live together and both of us work as well as go to school. Recently, without the added person, we've seen eachother once or twice a week, and even that is too little for my tastes.

How can i make sure that he doesn't forget all about me when he's overwhelmed by NRE?

I don't want to miss out on anything, but i dont want to be in the same vicinity as C. Am i being unreasonable?

-felid
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  #2  
Old 12-21-2010, 10:08 AM
pixie pixie is offline
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I'm only new to this too, but are you actually ok and accepting of him being with other women at all? And what is your understanding of what is and isn't acceptable for him to do? Have you agreed he informs you before pursuing other women? Are these other women supposed to be only sex, or have you discussed the idea of other emotional relationships too? Reading your post sounds like you don't feel that secure in this relationship, but I think it depends on what the agreements were between you, as to whether he did anything wrong for you to have to 'forgive'.

I have an open relationship, it's complicated by being long distance, but the understanding is that it's perfectly acceptable for him to sleep with other women and doesn't need my consent for that or to tell me first. If we had gone to a 'kinky' camping event together (that sounds fun, btw) and I'd left him alone for the night, to be honest I'd probably have found it odd if he hadn't hooked up with someone else!

Would you like this woman, and get on as friends, were it not for her relationship with your boyfriend?
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  #3  
Old 12-21-2010, 11:25 AM
frogprincess21ca frogprincess21ca is offline
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hi, firstly i would say my best wishes to both of you

so the (nre) is coming closer and it is making you anxious. it would make me anxious as well. have you talked to your boyfriend about this? to me communication is one of the most important things in a relationship.

to me it would bother me if i went to a kink event with one of my boyfriends and he had sexual relations( lol i can't believe i am saying it this way ) with another person. the reason that i would feel this way is that he went to that event with me. That being said in my relationship we have a rule that prior to patrick engaging in anything out of the relationship he tells me/ asks my permission. i placed this in place at the start of opening our relationship so that i would be aware of who he was sleeping with and being that i was first i could help him in his decisions. to me i didn't want to be cheated on and this was the way i got rid of those feelings.....for myself. the other reason that i requested this be one of the important factors was that i have seen it work very very well. one of my really really good friends has had a successful open relationship with this one proviso for well over 10 years. that said if this had happened i would be upset because i went to the event thinking that it was going to be a special time with my boyfriend and me and he ended up going elsewhere on our special weekend. have you truly dealt with your feelings of betrayal in regards to this. healing this rift may take more time and work.

that said, it seems to me that either your relationship is fairly new or is still in the progress of further development. it may be that you may be worried that you will loose the time that you currently get as yours. being that is sounds that you have so little time already i can understand how this will effect you. i take it that you love your man lots( i love my two), the loss of the contact maybe something that maybe causing a bit of your anxiety as well

my best suggestion to you is to sit down and discuss this with your man. maybe you need some clearer boundaries set. a open relationship is different from a poly relationship. and a open poly relationship is uber complicated. i know that there is more stress with a poly relationship but there is more beauty as well( to me anyway). something that is big to me is that there is complete openness and communication.

the other thing to me that might be a bit of a stressor is you don't know this women well enough to know who she is. you don't know what she expects from your partner or how she truely feels about you. you don't know if she will be respectful of your time of be a complete meanie head(yes i know i am not a kid).

anyway i truly wish you the best, big hugs
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  #4  
Old 12-21-2010, 03:14 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by felid View Post
Hi, i'm new, and having some troubles.

Background info:

Im new to poly, my boyfriend isn't. I've known from the start that he would be with other women, and he usually has had other people during our relationship.

My issue starts:

So, this summer was basically just my boyfriend and i, having no other partners at the time, and we planned on going to a kinky camping event. At the event, boyfriend met a woman, C, who he seemed to be very interested in. That night i had a migraine and went to bed early. He went and ended up having sex with this new woman we had both barely known for 10 hours. i found out about it when he came back to our tent early the next morning. Needless to say i was very upset.

First i blamed her, and fantasized about destroying her in true Frank Miller style, but after venting, and crying, and talking extensively i realized that the real issue was with boyfriend, although i still feel like she shares some of the blame. Eventually, again, i forgave him.

I was releived when that weekend was over, as she lives far away from us. In september, boyfriend surprised me by saying that she was coming to visit. i avoided her like the plague but was civil when i had to be. i also took her out for breakfast to try and get to know her better one on one. We talked about my perspective and both of our feelings. i still don't like her.

Fast forward to now:

So, C has now gotten a new job and is moving to our city. i still very much dislike her and know that boyfriend will want to try and pursue a relationship with her.

I don't want to be around her, but i don't want my relationship with boyfriend to be strained either. We don't live together and both of us work as well as go to school. Recently, without the added person, we've seen each other once or twice a week, and even that is too little for my tastes.

How can i make sure that he doesn't forget all about me when he's overwhelmed by NRE?

I don't want to miss out on anything, but i dont want to be in the same vicinity as C. Am i being unreasonable?

-felid
I have been in your shoes. It is NOT fun by any stretch of the imagination.

Disliking your partner's other partner is NOT the end of the world! It makes things a lot more difficult but it's certainly not anything that can't be over come by a LOT of communication, setting of boundaries & learning.

You need (MUST) to communicate to your boyfriend your feelings about her & why you feel that way.

Set some reasonable boundaries for if/when the three of you are in the same space which will give you the security you need yet will give him the ability to be with you both at the same time if the situation arises.

Sit down with with yourself (or wherever, however you think best) and figure out what it is about her that sets you off. Write it down if you need or want to. Remind him of how little time the two of you typically get together. Tell him how you feel about it. Let him know you are NOT ok with even less time together than you already have.

For me that all important boundary was that as long as she wasn't getting MORE physical affection (sex included) I would be OK. As an aside: this had to be put in place because his libido is very low & I needed it to feel secure.

It sounds like the two of you don't have many rules/boundaries in place, if any. Maybe the two of you need to set general boundaries first then work on specific ones for her?

Good luck. It's a long road but if handled correctly the rewards could be wonderful!
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  #5  
Old 12-21-2010, 09:10 PM
pixie pixie is offline
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The reason I compared to my open relationship, was that it sounds like you only have a problem with her because she was someone he 'cheated' on you with - was it 'cheating' within the agreements of your relationship with him? Have you been jealous of other women he has been with?

My point being - is the problem you have with him and other women full stop, or with her specifically - either because of a personality clash between you and her, or because of how her relationship with your boyfriend began.
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  #6  
Old 12-21-2010, 10:22 PM
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TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
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I'm not sure there's much for you to do at this point other than being loving, supportive, and honest. Be the best lover and you that you can be, and I think the rest will fall into place. I don't envy you in this position, and I know it's going to be uncomfortable, but if you've really dealt with your issues with being poly and are really ok with it, I just don't know if there's any more you can reasonably do that will help the situation.
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  #7  
Old 12-22-2010, 04:32 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I'm wondering how much communication is going on here. That and what kind of arrangements have you made with him? It sounds by what you've said that he has said he is poly and that means he can do what the hell he wants; not talk to you about his feelings openly and honestly, not respect yours or what your nature is, not act with integrity and does not have compasion for your position and point of view.

I agree that his behaviour sounds more like cheating and using poly as a means to make it okay. Being honest about who you sleep with does not make you poly as far as I am concerned. Its more open cheating.

Not that you have to completely have total control either. Giving *permission* for him to do things is controlling to me and not respecting him in return. If you want respect, you have to give it and trust your partners decisions. The whole idea is to negotiate boundaries and come to an agreement about how your relationship will and is unique to the two of you. Then you follow those boundaries, try them on, change them if need be and trust that they will act with integrity and stick with what's agreed to. I don't hear any of that happening and wonder if perhaps this is why you hate this woman so much.

I would like to bet that in sorting some boundaries out, talking about feelings together, your and his and establishing some compassion/empathy between you, him and her will mean your hatred is lessoned. It might even go away. Or at least turn into compersion laced with *good for you, keep it over there please*

I get the feeling that there is some denial going on here or perhaps he isn't all that into you. He doesn't sound all that committed to you and you sound like you are in some denial about him being committed. Maybe sorting that out and seeing your relationship for exactly what the two of you are it as is in order? If you are mono, perhaps that means moving on to someone that wants to be with only you. That way you can have the commitment you need and not the stress of his other partners he thinks he can fling into his life with no work at all.
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  #8  
Old 12-22-2010, 05:36 AM
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TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
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Red - I don't think this is open cheating... We're talking about one other person here, who he's been involved with since meeting her, and he hasn't hidden anything about their relationship. They met at a "kinky camping" event - isn't meeting potential partners to be expected? I think you're right on the money with seeing a need for additional communication here, but I'm just not seeing how this behavior qualifies as "cheating".
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Old 12-22-2010, 05:51 AM
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But it doesn't sound like he communicated his intent to begin a sexual relationship with C? Simply discussing being open wouldn't make that okay unless the OP and her partner had agreed that sex with anyone without discussing it first was ok. From my understanding, that discussion didn't happen prior to the sex. So, wouldn't that be more like cheating?
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Old 12-22-2010, 06:52 AM
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Perhaps not directly, but I'd argue that circumstances may imply intent.
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