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Old 04-05-2013, 07:53 PM
KerrBear KerrBear is offline
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Default I'm finding myself in a polyandrous relationship

So I am new to the group and rather new to this lifestyle.

Let's get the background information outta the way. A year after my husband and I were married, I caught him red handed in bed with another woman. It turned me on but pissed me off all at the same time. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that both of us were not sexually monogamous and we became swingers.

I have a very hard time reaching orgasm with new men and even with friends with benefits. Swinging became very fun for my husband but less thrilling for me because I was not reaching climax with anyone other than my husband. And it wasn't for lack in trying. I just need to have an emotional connection or it doesn't happen.

I still enjoy sex with other men. I get a high off from meeting someone new and then I fuck my husband's brains out afterwards, so it's rewarding for my marriage sex as well as the fun sex with the new guys. We've had many three-sums with me, a boy toy, and my husband.

Then something interesting happened. My husband's co-worker started chatting with me online and then we started texting. I became completely infatuated with him and the weeks before I actually had sex with him, sex with my husband was amazing because I was so on high rev in a way I've never been before.

Eventually, I met up with him in his truck and we talked for two hours before I crawled on top and made that truck rock. He knew we were swingers before we even started talking because my husband had told him. At first, it was only suppose to be a friends with benefits type thing. . . But I found myself falling in love with him and he was falling in love with me.

I still love my husband very much and he has been very much a part of this. We have had a weekend long endeavors with the co-worker and, to my utter surprise, I was able to orgasm with him without my husband even present or helping me along! That has NEVER happened with anyone that isn't my long-term boyfriend that I have strong feelings for.

But the emotional aspect complicates things. My husband is really understanding and he likes that I'm so happy. He is trying to figure himself out at the same time I'm trying to figure myself out and to co-worker is trying to figure out how all this is going to work.

And then there came the fight. Not really between me and my husband but more so a small argument between my husband and his co-worker. So the co-worker started to back off and said we shouldn't sleep together anymore and I was really upset by this cause I don't even understand how we can be "just friends" with the emotions we have for each other. We will be having sex again the next time we hang out, how do you stop that drive when it's so strong between the both of us?

Anyway, after my husband and I talked about the situation some more, my husband went to work and talked to the co-worker some more and now everyone is cool. I think the boys need to learn how to trust each other and they both need to realize that I love them both very much and I want them both in my life.

There is no guide book out for this kind of relationship but eventually, I want the co-worker to share our home. I've even toyed with the idea of having children with him possibly. It's just hot to think about, I'm not sure I would actually do it.

So I really wanted to tell someone that would understand and maybe offer some advice on how this works and how it doesn't work. My dream would be to eventually find someone else for the co-worker that is also compatible with me and my husband so we can have a big family. I've always wanted to have a polyamorous marriage.

I just wanted to clarify to what the argument was about. It was mostly about spending so much time with the co-worker. It's been three weekends in a row that I've seen him but I don't see him during the week unless I stop over to their work with lunch. I even gave the co-worker lunch one day and it really made my husband jealous. The co-worker and I also text all day long. At first, I wasn't allowed to call him but I couldn't help it cause I love listening to his voice. So I've broken some rules we've created for our swinging, rules that I myself made. My husband saw me getting really wrapped up and is trying to pull me back down to reality plus there is some financial stress right now and the co-worker is financially in a better situation and has been treating me to gifts and nights out to the town and my husband is jealous because he cannot afford to do that for me right now. That's what started the argument.

My husband doesn't mind that I'm with the co-worker. He knows that we are in love but he told me that when he finds a woman that he has a connection with, that I be his leash and make sure he sees reality and always focus on our marriage life and not get too caught up on the romancing of a new love. But it's sooooo hard to focus in the early stages of love.

Last edited by KerrBear; 04-05-2013 at 08:39 PM.
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  #2  
Old 04-05-2013, 08:44 PM
elle elle is offline
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Sounds fun.

I know what you mean about the sex... and the falling in love. I think the falling in love part it what makes it hard. It's amazing and the drive is so so strong and also hard to stop!!

My husbands best friend and I fell for each other this winter... it's a story of its own (I'll post it soon) but now we are at the 'where do we go from here.' Although you guys are starting from a much better point than my husband and I are in relationship honesty.

Enjoy falling in love!! Keep posting- I am also a woman with two men (both pretty mono men too) and I often wonder, does that sort of thing ever work out for long?
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Old 04-05-2013, 08:49 PM
Nox Nox is offline
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Just from what you've posted, I think your husband has some valid concerns. However, he should have voiced them to you, not the co-worker.

I'm new to this too, but make sure it's not just the newness (NRE) that's got you so excited.
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Old 04-05-2013, 08:54 PM
elle elle is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by evad View Post

I'm new to this too, but make sure it's not just the newness (NRE) that's got you so excited.
Lol, I almost said that but wondered if I was too new to use the jargon!
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Old 04-05-2013, 08:58 PM
KerrBear KerrBear is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elle View Post

Enjoy falling in love!! Keep posting- I am also a woman with two men (both pretty mono men too) and I often wonder, does that sort of thing ever work out for long?
So, I'm not sure what all the terminology means, but does mono means that they like having you to themselves?

For our relationship, the co-worker likes having me more to himself but he isn't really jealous of my husband at all. He's completely okay with me having that relationship, but he wants those "alone times". While my husband would rather it be all of us together and doesn't really like the "alone times" that I really, really want to have. Not because I don't love my husband, but because sex and companionship is more sincere and fun that way. When it's all three of us together, it's very sex driven and less about the love aspect that I want and need to feel.

I really, really hope that it works. I mean, monogamous relationships do not work a lot of the time, so I don't think that being poly defines a failing marriage. I know that when we became swingers, we learned to communicate soooooo much better. We were able to be the people we really were and we're figuring out how to be poly in a monogamous driven country.
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  #6  
Old 04-05-2013, 09:06 PM
KerrBear KerrBear is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by evad View Post
Just from what you've posted, I think your husband has some valid concerns. However, he should have voiced them to you, not the co-worker.

I'm new to this too, but make sure it's not just the newness (NRE) that's got you so excited.
Well, we have been swingers for more than half of our marriage. For about four years. We've been married for six years. So we are very use to sharing each other, but it's never involved emotions like this. Plus, the boys having to work with each other every single day puts a really interesting twist to it.

I went and dropped lunch off yesterday and I saw both of them. They had been talking about me when I showed up, they were both all smiles when I pulled up and I made sure I wore something really cute too. When my husband started walking towards the car, I heard the co-worker tell him to have me come over there and give him a hug and then said it wasn't fair he has me all week. That made me smile so much cause it feels soooo good to be wanted by him.

I'm glad they are talking about things and I know it's hard for my husband to have to work with it but I'm really hoping they learn to trust each other and communicate openly. They have to if this is going to work...
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Old 04-05-2013, 11:26 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KerrBear View Post
So, I'm not sure what all the terminology means, but does mono means that they like having you to themselves?

For our relationship, the co-worker likes having me more to himself but he isn't really jealous of my husband at all. He's completely okay with me having that relationship, but he wants those "alone times". While my husband would rather it be all of us together and doesn't really like the "alone times" that I really, really want to have. Not because I don't love my husband, but because sex and companionship is more sincere and fun that way. When it's all three of us together, it's very sex driven and less about the love aspect that I want and need to feel.
Being mono means that the co-worker would want to have a relationship just with you and you with him. That doesn't sound like what he wants. He wants a relationship with you but not one that regularly or, ever, includes threesomes with you and your husband. To develop a real relationship, IMHO, alone times - and not just sex but being with and around each other - are required. Is that what you want? Make sure because it sounds like your husband, at least right now, would really prefer if you didn't develop a romantic relationship with the co-worker. It is something to talk a lot about with your husband before thing proceed further.
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Old 04-06-2013, 01:19 AM
KerrBear KerrBear is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
Being mono means that the co-worker would want to have a relationship just with you and you with him. That doesn't sound like what he wants. He wants a relationship with you but not one that regularly or, ever, includes threesomes with you and your husband. To develop a real relationship, IMHO, alone times - and not just sex but being with and around each other - are required. Is that what you want? Make sure because it sounds like your husband, at least right now, would really prefer if you didn't develop a romantic relationship with the co-worker. It is something to talk a lot about with your husband before thing proceed further.
we've already had threesomes together. More often than is being alone and he's okay with them but we want and need alone time. My husband is okay with alone time but he has a lonely feeling when I go out without him. Not that he doesn't want me to at all just that he wants attention too so I gotta make sure I spend a lot of quality time with him as well.

Actually im going to be spending my first official date with the coworker tonight. :-)

Last edited by KerrBear; 04-06-2013 at 01:22 AM.
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  #9  
Old 04-06-2013, 08:29 PM
KerrBear KerrBear is offline
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Okay, so I had a good night with my boyfriend. We went out to dinner and then went to his brothers party. I got to meet two of his siblings and some of their friends. I was rather concerned about this because well, im a married woman. I didn't go into details . The group is a good 5-8 years younger than I am. In their early twenties. My boyfriend is only 22 and im 28.

So that was a little awkward too but they were all very nice and his brothers gf said I was really pretty, which is always nice to hear. It was a good party all in all. I got home at about 6 in the morning. I don't party ever so this isn't like something I do a lot. This is the first time ever since married.

This morning my bf texted me asking me if my husband is angry. I said I didn't think so. He then called and told me that my husband called him to fuck.off and that he is a two faced ass hole.

So I had to call my husband and he said that he did say that because he was mad that my bf took me out to dinner. He said he didn't want him to spend a single dime on me and that he was my sugar daddy. But that he wasn't mad at me at all, that he talked to my bf while they were at work and he expressed his concerns and my bf told him he wasn't going to spend any money on me anymore.

So then I called the bf back and asked him and if this was true and he said that yes my husband did talk to him about that but he didn't say he wouldn't spend money on me but that he would back off a little. He then said that he didn't take me to a big fancy restaurant but just to dinner. That we didn't go to the movies or anything it was only dinner and we shared a plate. Of course this wad to me not to my husband... They are NOT communicating at all. My bf was even saying that he didn't understand my husband because in one breath he says that my bf can have a whole weekend with me and spend money on me but in the next he can't spend a single dime on me. It's all about money and I think it's fucking stupid. He's more angry about him buying me.dinner than making love to me and tell me he loves me.

I think the three of us need to sit down and have a heart to heart before they go to work on Monday all pissed at each other.
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Old 04-10-2013, 02:06 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KerrBear View Post
So I had to call my husband and he said that he did say that because he was mad that my bf took me out to dinner. He said he didn't want him to spend a single dime on me and that he was my sugar daddy.
"Sugar daddy?" Dear lord, what an antiquated notion!

It sounds like your husband feels he owns you. I would talk with him about that and tell him to nip that attitude in the bud right quick. Even if you were totally monogamous, you're not his property. Plus, he's really being a bit of a douche, isn't he? Saying one thing, and then another - that's fucked up.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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