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  #11  
Old 05-16-2013, 12:05 PM
afar afar is offline
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Follow up:

Recently, there have been some new developments to my situation. When we agreed to close the marriage in counseling back in mid-March he said he needed a week to 'transition' his relationship with his outside partner to a platonic friendship. The marriage was open prior to closing it a grand total of 3 days. I immediately become suspicious for that fact. If there had been no sex, and he only had the freedom of a potential sexual relationship with her for 3 days, why did he need 7-9 days to 'learn how to connect to her in a platonic way' when prior to that 3 day period of open status that's all they were anyway? I thought it smelled fishy, but recognized that if I was going to say no to this ever happening I had to give in gracefully, so I did. The goal between the three of us from day one was that even if sexual relationships couldn't work, we would all 3 be friends. I had been working to that end with the other woman until a couple weeks ago. She opened up to me mistakenly and told me that their 'friendship' never became a platonic one, and that they had essentially been having an affair for the last month. When I confronted him about it in therapy, he denied it and said she was lying in order to drive a wedge between my husband and I because she was in love with him. I also found out that they had made plans to move in together. It took several hours of fighting, but he finally came clean and admitted that what she had told me was the truth. He also said that he was wrong and wished he could take it all back, but that he obviously couldn't. He has said that he does not want a divorce, and can emotionally commit to our marriage now and wants to continue working on it. I am not opposed to this, but I don't know how to ever trust him again. Open marriage was something I needed in order to explore my sexuality but because of how wrong this went, I know I will never attempt it with him again. The worst thing I discovered was that at the end of March, I had to leave town for the weekend. I didn't feel ready to leave home for an extended period of time, but he guilted me into going by accusing me of throwing my career down the drain. While I was gone, she came over and they were on my couch. I am sickened by the deception and manipulation the two of them played on me. I am even further angry because she came into my home while she knew I was gone, and knowing that I was not ok with them having a sexual relationship. Top that off with the fact that when I confronted the two of them with my suspicions prior to learning the truth, they both acted offended and told me how much my suspicion hurt their feelings since I had no evidence. They both let me apologize for something that was actually going on, and they both made me a fool. Now I feel worthless and humiliated and uncomfortable in my own home. My husband and I have not divorced or seaprated. We are trying to work things out. He has told her that they can no longer be friends because he realizes how badly they screwed this up. My problem at this point is how do I get over all of this? We are still seeing the marriage counselor, and I do want to save the marriage, but I wonder if I would be better off splitting up and remaining friends for the sake of our child? I am very angry and hurt by him, and a lot of the things he said to me during all of this and I don't know if I will ever get over his cruelty. Any advice?
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  #12  
Old 05-16-2013, 12:40 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I am so sorry.

I do not know if anything here helps.

http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

GG
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  #13  
Old 05-16-2013, 01:07 PM
afar afar is offline
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I will print that link off and take it with me to our next therapy session. I am just so confused and hurt at this point I don't know how I feel. This has been an ordeal that I've been surviving since the beginning of February, and am very much exhausted emotionally at this point. I don't know how to 'rest' emotionally either so I can't really make a plan to move forward with whatever future is best for myself and my family.
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  #14  
Old 05-16-2013, 01:12 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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You do know how you feel -- you feel confused.

You do not know how to behave next in this situation. And that is totally ok, and not an unreasonable place to be at right now under the circumstances. Go easy on yourself.

BREATHE. Literally -- if you feel a wave of "yargh!" coming on, stop and take some deep breaths. Most people hold their breath with tension. Feel whatever wave of ugh and let it blow on through as best you can. Holding it in just makes you more tense.

SELF CARE BASICS: Triage at this point. Take care of your basic maslow needs -- air, food, sleep. Skip the sex unless it is masturbation. Y'all will need STD testing. As you re-secure one level, you can begin to climb up to address issues on the next maslow tier. That could be one approach.

Ask your counselor about the stages of grief. It may still be TOO NEW for you -- and you are in "shock" stage. The "I can't believe this is happening to me!" place.

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-...-of-grief.html

If you are a visual person, perhaps this also could help you navigate your emotions until you arrive at the crisis point where things shift... in the previous link that's the "stage 5 upward turn" place.

Could talk to your counselor about supporting you through this internal emotional work on the (me to myself) layer of relationship.

When you think about the layer of (me & DH) layer of the relationship... You may not want to polyship with spouse again, but reading through these pitfalls may help you understand how to cope with emotional management fallout:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im..._Polyamory.pdf
http://www.kathylabriola.com/article...u-in-poly-hell

And perhaps some of the page 5 & 6 things below could help in the healing/trust rebuilding. That doesn't mean you polyship at all, much less with the other woman... but it helps you work toward repair if that's what you and your husband want to do. Some practical triage "doables" while sifting through the fog as formulate the long term plan for your next future.

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/im...ed_10-6-10.pdf

Again, I am so sorry. Breaking trust this way -- it's terrible.

Hang in there!
GG

PS If it is looking like breaking up... and if it is not arranged that way already? Could secure your own finances with money in your OWN name in your OWN account. Know the laws in your area.

You are emotionally vulnerable and don't need NEW shenanigans making it worse. Old thread -- may or may not be helpful

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-16-2013 at 04:34 PM.
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  #15  
Old 05-16-2013, 01:57 PM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
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Default if you have to leave him,

be careful of trying to get back at him through any means of divorce or with custody battles and children. I know all to well how it feels to deceived, My first poly relationship I wasn't even aware of it.

It's hard to not be pissed off and hurt when you look back and realize all the shitty treatment and making you feel like an asshole was really them lashing out due to guilt. I am sorry you are experiencing this.

It took years to get over the anger and resentment, but it does happen, although I still don't contact one of the women who put me through that. Co-parenting after a divorce can happen and doesn't have to get ugly, but it was hard to always remember that, and I am so glad I never made it any worse than the divorce already was, but it does eventually get better, and you can still work it out with husbands however some people aren't capable of being 100% honest, but I know that is what would have made a difference in my relationships, even after the fact and all the hurt.

But they weren't willing to do so, and because of that, I am seriously glad that I didn't stay with them

hang in there
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  #16  
Old 05-16-2013, 02:50 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is online now
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This happened with my ex husband. We were 20 and in no shape to get involved in poly. He met a girl, wouldnt stop seeing her and it bothered me he was actively dating her against my wishes when he'd treat me like crap and do with her the things he refused to do with me I finally had enough and left him. After being separated a few months he chose to brink things off with her to repair our marriage. It was a really hard, emotional time for all of us.
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  #17  
Old 05-19-2013, 10:36 AM
Oly1 Oly1 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FullofLove1052 View Post
Opening a relationship is not an easy feat. Asking him to slow down to work on your marriage is a good idea
I think this might be the crux of the matter. Did you ask him to "slow down"? or was it more of a "chose between me and her" situation?

You say he is frustrated with the open/closed/open/closed dynamic. I get that, and can see why he might be bitter and feel like YOU don't respect his feelings and experiences. I also get that you need to slow down and heal and take care of your issues before your marriage collapses in front of you. Believe me, I do. And sometimes "closing" i's the only way to regain focus on your own relationship. But if he is really into her, and feels like you are making him lose something that's good for him, that could be worse for your relationship.

Maybe if you could agree to discuss the situation in a less Binary-ic way, things will get easier for you both? Have you tried talking about the "closing" of the marriage in less permanent terms? It doesn't have to be an "either or" situation. Could be seen as a continuum, where you NOW need him to slow down this other relationship, and maybe in a while they could have a relationship of some sort, sexual or otherwise.
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  #18  
Old 05-19-2013, 09:57 PM
afar afar is offline
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Yes, I did at first ask that they just slow down and he spend more time engaged with me so I didn't feel like he was just punching a clock with me so he could spend time with her. He got to the point where he wouldn't even kiss me in front of her for fear that she might be upset with him. The more I asked him to spend time with me, the less time he actually did. He forbid me from contacting him if I thought they might be together when he wasn't at home. For me, it became a 'me or her' ultimatum when I saw the texts on his phone from her talking about how in love they were. He told me they were just friends many times, and to 'get the hell over it'. I can sympathize to a certain extent, but there is no excuse for blatant deceit. Once I realized they were having an affair behind my back, I decided there was no way this woman could ever stay in my life. His behavior when he was at her house with our son has caused confusion and fear for our son as well. There is no room in my family for her anymore. I believe its one thing to not be able to stop a sexual or emotional affair, but to manipulate and lie to an injured party and make them feel like they're the problem is just cruel.
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  #19  
Old 05-20-2013, 05:46 PM
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Harborman Harborman is offline
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Default Something missing

Afar, I notice two things. First, you said the marriage wasn't that stable prior to trying the open/poly approach. I think most of the other posters will agree that open and poly are not good ways to save a marriage. These are very advanced forms of relationship and not a bandage.

The other thing I noticed was the absence of a relationship between you and the other woman. You have met and conversed, but it didn't sound too constructive. Perhaps if you had a friendship with her based on more than just a man in common. You two could and probably should have something between you (not suggesting romantic or sexual) that is just between you. Him knowing that will really change things among you all. He won't know everything you do and say and he will have to respect that.

But it's probably too late for any of that. We all are sympathetic. You get a big hug from the forum members.
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  #20  
Old 05-20-2013, 06:15 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by afar View Post
His behavior when he was at her house with our son has caused confusion and fear for our son as well.
Was he juggling chainsaws?
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