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  #1  
Old 11-23-2010, 12:47 AM
oikord oikord is offline
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Default This site has helped, but I need a lot more

Hello,

This is my first post. I would like to preface this with saying I respect all of us and believe we really are equal - If at some future time I posted about my situation and it was about you, I'm not wishing you any ill will and looking for my own growth, and support.

This is a very new concept for me. I'm Male-Mono-hetero, 32 w/3 children together for 16 years and married for 12 and the love of my wife is now P as of 3 weeks ago. I am still sane in part due to the discussions on this forum - thank you all!

I am hurting, I am sad, depressed, freaked out, short of breath, panicky, angry, but mostly I am afraid of losing her sometimes when we aren't at home together and especially when they're together. When we're together (as of three weeks ago) I am on cloud 9, all my problems disappear and she is loving/supportive and quickly addresses my fears. Luckily we have one Friend couple who know as they have had the same exact thing happen more than once in their 20+ yrs marriage (M is M, F is P), and I've been texting them for support - but for the sake of my wife, we won't let anyone else in our lives know, EVER due to them not being like us. I've followed their advice and taken any restrictions off from my wife between her and her other (Male married poly for long time), except for Pregnancy and us getting STDs. Last weekend she saw him about 50% of time and me 50% of time and I had the kids the whole time.

I also have started a new Journey in my life (as of last week), and am working at following the advice to work on ME, make myself happy with ME, make myself love ME, make myself feel sexy to ME. I have begun reading/listening to my wife's reading list of personal growth books which I couldn't ever find time to start over the last 10 years (when her journey began).

What I'd like from this community right now is to forward posts that I could read and learn from and to explore my feelings and to cope. Maybe even find a friend for support who is/has experiened the same thing.
The search function is not working
and I'm hoping you experienced folks may be able to send me many posts on these topics quickly as I really need some help now. I may or may not be experiencing these things today, or they may be my key fears - but I don't want to discuss my specific situation in a public forum. Here are the subjects I'm really wanting to explore:

- Safe sex vs. unprotected in Polyamory
- After testing for STDs is it ever acceptable for unprotected
- Pregnancy issues outside of Marriage in the Polyamory consicousness
- NRE/falling in love with another - how should M treat P if M wants to stay together
- Guidlines for space, not being needy/clingy \
- What to do during panic attack when your responsible for three children
- Can lines be drawn by M and not crossed, what to do if P crosses the lines
- Therapist/therapy for a new M can it help
- Do modern therapists know about Polyamory or can be effective in dealing if this is the lifestyle we are going to have (i.e. we're not looking to change back to both Mono)
- Meeting P's other
- If M does not want to meet P's other, and believes deep down there can never be a meeting, can this work has this been experienced and things turned out OK
- P leaving M for another P (sound like a familiar fear :0)? )
- Warning signs
- Does M need to become P too?
- Can male-mono female-poly both hetero work?
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  #2  
Old 11-23-2010, 12:51 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=26

Have you tried this subsection. It has a listing of a lot of great poly threads that may cover some of your questions.
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  #3  
Old 11-23-2010, 12:55 AM
oikord oikord is offline
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Thanks.
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  #4  
Old 11-23-2010, 06:30 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I will attempt a few of your questions... most are common to this forum and you will find your answers quickly, I think, if you look around a bit.

Ari had some good advice... I'm not sure why your search engine is not working... weird.
Quote:
Originally Posted by oikord View Post
- Safe sex vs. unprotected in Polyamory
- After testing for STDs is it ever acceptable for unprotected
unprotected sex is called "fluid bonding," which really should only be achieved with the consent of all and with the understanding that protection will be used with new people or that everyone is poly fi; not having sex with anyone outside of the tribe.

Quote:
Originally Posted by oikord View Post
- What to do during panic attack when your responsible for three children
What are you doing caring for the kids all the time? When does she care for them so that you can go out and do your thing? Is she available when away? Can you reach her and have her be there in a moments notice? The idea is to achieve balance. Not be an absent parent.

Quote:
Originally Posted by oikord View Post
- Do modern therapists know about Polyamory or can be effective in dealing if this is the lifestyle we are going to have (i.e. we're not looking to change back to both Mono)
yes, there are poly friendly therapists that will be able to address the issues you are having with you

Quote:
Originally Posted by oikord View Post
- Can male-mono female-poly both hetero work?
yes, with more hard work than a poly/poly or mono/mono relationship it seems
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  #5  
Old 11-23-2010, 07:48 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
What are you doing caring for the kids all the time? When does she care for them so that you can go out and do your thing? Is she available when away? Can you reach her and have her be there in a moments notice? The idea is to achieve balance. Not be an absent parent.
My thoughts exactly.
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  #6  
Old 11-24-2010, 10:23 PM
oikord oikord is offline
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Thx for your insights. I just met his SO (I was told his wife but they're not married), and she really freaked me out - doh! My wife told me last night that she was just having fun (f**k buddy) and I immediately felt better, but according to his SO he is 'serious' about my wife. Also they have multiple STDs (not life threatening) and his goal is to have my wife bare - doh. I'm fixed but he is not and he has children with three women. His SO said 'they' are considering (my wife and him) she get an IUD for this so it wouldn't be long until I have multiple STDs - doh. I had surgery and pain for 6 months just to avoid IUD or her hormones because that is so important to me to have no interference down there. I think this poly thing is good for you who are poly and willing to compromise your deepest desires for the sake of multiple partners. For me this is turning out I make all the compromises and will get STDs (I'm STD free only 1 partner in life so far) if I want to stay with my wife.

OK I guess you call that venting I think I'm in trouble.
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  #7  
Old 11-24-2010, 10:44 PM
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FlameKat FlameKat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oikord View Post
Also they have multiple STDs (not life threatening) and his goal is to have my wife bare - doh. I'm fixed but he is not and he has children with three women. His SO said 'they' are considering (my wife and him) she get an IUD for this so it wouldn't be long until I have multiple STDs - doh.

OK I guess you call that venting I think I'm in trouble.
I'm sorry - WHAT??? THEY have multiple STD's and his goal is to have your wife bare??? WTF...

I would be running a million miles from this one - does your wife know about this - okay she knows about the going bare bit - does she know about all the STD's? Is she willing to go down this path? for the sake of being bare? I know I sure as hell wouldn't and knowing someone would be happy to risk me getting ill just for the sake of 'nothing in between' .... NO WAY...

If your wife knows about this and is happy to risk you as well...

Time for a Big talk with your wife...

big hugs to you, I can't imagine what this is doing to you...
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  #8  
Old 11-24-2010, 10:57 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FlameKat View Post
I'm sorry - WHAT??? THEY have multiple STD's and his goal is to have your wife bare??? WTF...

I would be running a million miles from this one - does your wife know about this - okay she knows about the going bare bit - does she know about all the STD's? Is she willing to go down this path? for the sake of being bare? I know I sure as hell wouldn't and knowing someone would be happy to risk me getting ill just for the sake of 'nothing in between' .... NO WAY...

If your wife knows about this and is happy to risk you as well...

Time for a Big talk with your wife...

big hugs to you, I can't imagine what this is doing to you...
Ditto...big ole red flag for me on that one too.

STD's life threatening or not, are your choice to engage with.

Kids too...wow. Why does this feel like an alpha trying to mark his territory.

The cynic in me is reeling for you. Are either of these things on the table? Or are they waves being created by that side. What does your wife say?...it sounds like you might be getting railroaded...
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Old 11-24-2010, 11:11 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oikord View Post
Also they have multiple STDs (not life threatening) and his goal is to have my wife bare - doh. I'm fixed but he is not and he has children with three women. His SO said 'they' are considering (my wife and him) she get an IUD for this so it wouldn't be long until I have multiple STDs - doh. I had surgery and pain for 6 months just to avoid IUD or her hormones because that is so important to me to have no interference down there. I think this poly thing is good for you who are poly and willing to compromise your deepest desires for the sake of multiple partners. For me this is turning out I make all the compromises and will get STDs (I'm STD free only 1 partner in life so far) if I want to stay with my wife.
This disgusts me to no end. I feel like puking right now but I haven't eaten any solid food today so I think I'll just go and dry-heave.

Are you sure you're serious? Or are you yanking our collective chain? You seem to be resigned to "getting multiple STD's". I guess it's your body, who am I to tell you what you can do with it...

Last edited by NeonKaos; 11-24-2010 at 11:14 PM.
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  #10  
Old 11-24-2010, 11:12 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
This disgusts me to no end. I feel like puking right now but I haven't eaten any solid food today so I think I'll just go and dry-heave.
ya, she said it better than I did...
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