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Old 03-23-2011, 11:32 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
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I only have one partner right now... But when I'm thinking about Raga (ex partner) or W (interest with whom things didn't happen), I tell Seamus about it, and he's very understanding, and that helps.
Sometimes, just saying that is enough to get it off my mind, but sometimes I need to talk a bit longer, and then he listens and provides feedback and advice if asked to.

I find that in the end, it makes me more at ease in my feelings for the other people, but also for the one who is right here with me, I feel closer to him because I can be myself with him.
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Old 03-24-2011, 02:17 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

I do best if I can talk about what's on my mind. Whether it's finances, kids, other lovers, D/s... doesn't matter the topic, if I can talk honestly and openly for a few minutes with my partner I'm more able to let it go and then move on to enjoying our time together.

When it's most difficult is times like right now, when there is an ongoing conflict. It's hard to just set it aside and have a day-but I have to, because it could be MONTHS before it's resolved. Usually, in moments like this-I acknowledge the emotion I'm feeling about the conflict in present moment, 5-10 minutes and then I can move on.
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 03-24-2011, 03:32 AM
HappiestManAlive HappiestManAlive is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Vegas, Baby!
Posts: 348

Originally Posted by NYCindie
How do people in a poly situation manage not to be distracted by the dynamics of one relationship when they are in the company of another?
When you figure it out, let me know.
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Old 03-24-2011, 04:35 AM
Beodude123 Beodude123 is offline
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 69

Hmmm... Very good post! While it doesn't apply to me, it definitely applies to the situation. One thing I've been feeling lately (lots of back and forths for everybody) is sort of that distraction. Sometimes I feel like talking about poly is eating up way too much of my mental energy. Jen has been very preoccupied with figuring things out for herself. Nothing ridiculous, but it is something I am noticing.

It probably has a lot to do with my jealousy too though. I tend to notice unfavorable things more than favorable right now unfortunately... Anyways, it's kind of the emotion too. For example, because Jen and I are in a stable relationship, there isn't that crazy outburst of emotion. When there is a lot of emotion, it's deep love, which isn't exactly flamboyant. When we're talking about partners etc, a lot of different emotions come up, and most are a little more in your face.

While I didn't see anybody else really posting good "answers" to the question, I figured I'd put my side up there as well.
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Old 03-31-2011, 02:36 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I like what Fidelia said; pay attention to your partners needs and then your own with this one. Talking about it with them can help, but it isn't always appropriate, so make sure you have your timing right or that you should be talking with them about it at all.

There is a lot of sucking up in poly... at least until later... it's part of good boundaries I think
I think this is a crucial point. We poly-people tend to go to "more communication" as our first answer to everything... I know I do... but processing takes a lot of mental energy, both from you and from the person you're doing it with. Sometimes you just need to summon your inner zen and let things be what they are.

And when the processing you're doing with someone is about your other lover, it's a real gift for the person doing it with you to take the time and energy to help you work through things. Don't always bite your tongue when you're struggling, but don't risk abusing that gift either!
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communication, dating, distraction, poly, relationship dynamics

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