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Old 04-05-2013, 01:20 PM
raingirl31 raingirl31 is offline
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Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
Just wanted to say that I really empathize with what you are feeling. I wrote about my own experiences with poly and infertility here. TL,DR version - I'm 38. I have endometriosis (which limits fertility). 9 years ago I had a miscarriage with MrS, 2 years ago I had a miscarriage with (probably) Dude (pregnancy possibility negotiated/discussed/agreed upon beforehand). I gave up - it was a hard, hard decision. You have my sympathy.

Thank you. It's nice to see someone who has been down the same road. I too have endo, but the doctors I've talked to are so wishy/washy on whether endo does affect fertility or not. There are soooo many studies out there that say it does, then an equal number of studies saying it doesn't. My current RE said that if we do a few more rounds of IUI and nothing, or more losses, we can consider fertility immune testing in New York. It costs about $5000 (with testing, consult, accommodation, and travel fees). I already have immune issues (I don't build certain IgE antibodies the same way as normal people do, so I have no immunity to mumps, measles, rubella, or chicken pox - those are the only ones I know of so far) but they don't know the cause or whether it could affect fertility. If I do have immune issues related to fertility, then I can do IVF with Intralipids which shows great success (but friggin expensive!)

Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I do feel compassion for what you're going through, but I'm going to be frank. My gut response says you should wait until after your next treatment and see how things go before bringing up anything about poly. Stay focused. I have a sense that it is out of frustration that your mind is going to (possibly fixated on?) this other guy. I would think the more sensible strategy would be to discuss surrogacy or adoption rather than bringing in another guy's sperm. In the midst of all you're managing right now, to talk to hubby about a guy you already know he doesn't like "at all," I think would add unnecessary stress to you both. You've been so patient so far, just stay with it a little longer and set aside poly as an option for now. Besides, if you do become pregnant, having an additional totally new relationship could just be another headache, when you will need to focus on staying well for the pregnancy, childbirth, etc. That's my take on it.
I agree with this 100%. I think I go up and down with my moods and thought patterns each cycle I have (period shows, I get depressed and hopeless, then close to ovulation I try to think of any which way I could get pregnant out of desperation, then I get hopeful after that maybe we "caught the egg", then when my period comes, the cycle starts over again). And yes, I've been patient thus far... P is patient as well. We both agree we've had feeling for each other almost from the first day we met so I guess we can wait a bit longer.
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Old 04-05-2013, 08:20 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Location: Yelm, Washington
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I somehow missed Post #8 yesterday, sorry about that. It sounds like DH is a rather jealous kind of guy, and would have a hard time accepting any kind of poly arrangement. I could be wrong of course, but that was the impression I got.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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Old 04-06-2013, 12:13 AM
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Phy Phy is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 651

Hey there.

I am really sorry you are having such a rough time. I can emphasize as my situation is kind of similar, even though I am the healthy one so far and my men have to deal with all this limited fertility and infertility shit. We have had our first IUI and I thought about sharing what my doctor told me. He said that the chances to get pregnant with this method is nearly as high as having conventional sex. It can help, when your cerviacal mucus is aggressiv towards sperm but overall the advantage of an IUI is about 5% higher than 'normal' sex.

Having covered this point I would like to tell you about my experience with suggesting another man could be the biological father to my husband. He wasn't thrilled at all. Especially as he had received the news that he himself couldn't be a father easily. And this other man in question is my other partner (who turned out to be infertile but that is another story). It's an enormous stressor for men to handle the thought of another father your children. Especially if they don't like them. So I would think twice about suggesting this to your husband in this situation.

And in regard to your thought about having a baby with this long time friend of yours: friendship is not a romantic relationship. Are you sure you want him to be the father of your child? I wouldn't go down that road as long as I wasn't sure of the qualities of said person as a partner and a potential parent. You don't really know how well you two mesh up to now if I got that right.

Wait some more and concentrating on your treatment seems to be a good way to proceed right now. It doesn't sound like your ground for poly is set yet. Your husband seems insecure, stressed and not totally open to that idea and maybe he is as occupied by the baby-topic as you are. Don't stress your relationship even more by adding poly to the mix.

Wishing you luck and success on your way.
Facts: 30, female, bi, v-type relationship with Sward (husband, straight, mono) and Lin (boyfriend, straight, mono), poly-fi and co-primary.

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Old 04-06-2013, 04:30 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,863

Originally Posted by raingirl31 View Post
I already have immune issues (I don't build certain IgE antibodies the same way as normal people do, so I have no immunity to mumps, measles, rubella, or chicken pox - those are the only ones I know of so far) but they don't know the cause or whether it could affect fertility.
Interesting, I haven't been tested for immune issues - BUT I have never managed to mount an acceptable immune response to rubella (despite repeated immunizations) and my titers to chickenpox have always been "equivocal" (even though I had the disease in third grade without problem).

I never bothered to get tested because I don't get "sick" any oftener that I would expect - I rationalized that my immune response was just "different" (i.e. the antibodies that I was making weren't the ones that they were testing for). Never really thought about it in terms of my fertility issues...

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (24+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (6+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost lover-friend to me, FWBs to SLeW
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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